Inspired by: All in My Head by Tori Kelly
Requested: No, but it’s the first time in two weeks that I’ve been inspired to write a fic, so I thought I’d go for it.
Summary: You’ve been crushing on your best friend John B for ages, and thought that his feelings were reciprocated, only to be blindsided when another girl comes into the mix.
Warnings: Swearing, stray’s from what happened in the show, angst
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I see you with her
and it crushes me inside
guess I should stop thinkin’ about you all the time
I walk into the Wreck, Kie’s arm slung carelessly over my shoulder as we laugh about JJ and Pope’s childish bickering over who would could sweet talk their way out of getting in trouble with cops.
“Pope, you’re so by the book that you’d end up confessing everything to them before they could question anyone else. You can’t convince me otherwise,” JJ argues, a sassy look on his face. I shake my head at their pointless banter, tuning out Pope’s rebuttal as my eyes scan the room to search for John B. My heart rate spikes at the thought of him, eyes trailing over everyone in the restaurant before landing on him. Confusion floods my system, my heart dropping at the sight of him seated at a table with Sarah Cameron, his arm lazily draped over the back of her chair while she giggles at something he said.
I want to tear my eyes away from them, pushing down the hurt in my chest, but I can’t. All I can think about is the way John B is looking at her, touching her, in the same way he has been with me.
“Y/n, are you alright? You look like you saw a ghost,” Pope asks, keeping me from completely sinking into myself. Kie nudges me slightly, a concerned look on her face as the three of them stare at me.
“Y-Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” I stutter, forcing a convincing smile. “I was just zoning out.”
“You’re always zoning out,” JJ jokes, Pope joining in on his laughter before they rowdily move through the crowd to get to the table with John B. I move to follow after them, but Kie’s hand meets my wrist, stopping me from moving any further.
“Are you sure you’re okay? I wasn’t exactly expecting to see John B ogling over Sarah either, but I also don’t have the same feelings for him that you do,” she questions, hinting to the nights we’ve stayed up talking about him.
“I’m fine, Kie,” I state with a small shrug, straightening up at the sight of her unconvinced expression. “I promise.” I rest my hand on her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze before taking a breath and stalking toward the table.
“Took you guys long enough, I’m starving,” JJ groans upon our arrival at the table. I fake a laugh, moving to take a seat next to him, ignoring the fact that it’s seated across from Sarah.
“You’re so dramatic,” Kie tells him, finding the empty seat next to me. “You guys just sat down.” I muster a laugh with the rest of the group, fiddling with my silverware as I stare at the menu in front of me in an attempt to keep my focus on anything other than the couple sitting in front of me. Everyone falls into typical conversation in front of me, Sarah easily fitting in with the group dynamic, while I remain quiet, adding small comments whenever my name is brought up.
“Okay so, you made it sound like there was an urgent reason for meeting you here,” Pope begins, after the waiter took our order.
“Yeah,” JJ agrees, leaning closer to the center of the table and lowering his voice. “Is it about the 4 mill?”
“No,” John B responds, a light laugh falling from his lips. “It’s 400 mill, by the way, and it has nothing to do with that.”
“Then why was it so urgent?” Pope pipes back in, leaning back in his seat.
“I guess it wasn’t,” John B replies, shooting Sarah a soft smile. My heart lurches at the endearing look in his eyes, before he turns to meet my gaze briefly. “I was just tired of hiding it.”
“Hiding what,” I question, dread filling my system. I mentally prepare for his answer, knowing full well that he’s talking about Sarah. Why else would she be here?
“I know it’s weird timing, but,” he pauses, smiling as Sarah sends him a reassuring look. “we’re together.” Sarah smiles brightly at his statement, slightly leaning closer to him. I stare at the two of them in shock, trying to mask the hurt radiating from my chest. I take notice of the way John B refuses to meet my gaze, taking time to soak in everyone else’s reaction.
“No shit,” JJ laughs, taking a sip of his drink. “Welcome to the dark side, Cameron.”
“I’m not sure what you see in him, but welcome to the group,” Pope adds, leaning forward so that he could make eye contact with Sarah.
Kie mumbles her own congratulations before her hand moves to rest on my thigh, squeezing it reassuringly. I shoot her a quick nod, my lips curving into a lighthearted smile.
“That’s really great guys,” I tell them, smiling at the happy look on Sarah’s face. The conversation shifts to everyone asking them questions about their relationship while I silently contemplate how I can casually leave without raising any suspicions. The sight of Sarah and John B curled into each other across the table from me putting a bitter taste in my mouth.
Maybe this is what I needed
Maybe this is a sign
Maybe I’ve been blind to reality
“I think we need to have a celebratory night on the HMS Pogue. Give Sarah a sneak peak of what it’s like being a pogue,” JJ announces, turning to face the group as we walk out of the Wreck.
“I’d love that,” Sarah agrees, John B’s hand slipping into hers after he let go of the door. I inwardly cringe at the affection, remaining silent as everyone else agrees.
“Y/n, you down,” John B asks, addressing me for the first time since we’ve been together. He holds a light expression, his eyes hopeful as they bore into mine.
“Oh, um,” I pause for a minute, silently weighing my options. “I can’t tonight. My mom needs help doing inventory at the shop.” It isn’t a lie. Friday nights are inventory days, but that’s never been a responsibility that she’s given me. She knows that my Friday nights are spent with my friends, and she likes to respect that rather than making me work.
“Really? I’m sure you can get out of that, your mom never asks you to work on Friday’s,” I inwardly roll my eyes at Pope’s statement, silently cursing him for bringing it up.
“Really,” I lie, checking my watch. “Amanda and Avery called in so I’ve got to be there. I should probably get going.”
“We’ll see you later then,” John B hums, his shoulders dropping in defeat. “We can come pick you up when you’re done if you want. Maybe have a bonfire on the beach?”
“Don’t worry about that, I’ll be there pretty late. You guys have fun tonight,” I dismiss his offer quickly, simply wanting to go home and wallow by myself for awhile. Everyone drops the subject, Kie giving me a tight hug before we all bid our goodbyes. I watch as they all pile into the van, waving one last time before spinning on my heels to start the trek back to my house.
My shoulders slump as soon as the van is out of my line of sight. Images of John B’s arm casually draped over Sarah’s shoulder’s replaying in my head.
I feel so stupid. Of course he didn’t like me back. We’ve been best friends for years, nothing more. Obviously I thought too deeply of the soft moments we’ve shared the past few months.
Every little glance my way
Every time you wanted to hang
You seemed so interested
Could you tell me, was it real or was it all in my head?
I mentally scold myself, feeling so stupid at the thought that John B actually felt the same way about me. He made me feel so sure of it. The way that his eyes always lingered on me longer than anyone else, his hands always dancing across my skin delicately whenever they could, our late night conversations under the stars tucked into each others arms as the hammock swayed with every gentle movement, how time always seemed to escape us when we were together, and so many other aspects of our friendship had me completely convinced that he liked me too.
It always felt so real with him. Somehow he always made having a safe place seem easy. The quiet moments we shared with or without the other pogues around always had my mind reeling at the unspoken agreement that I felt we had when it came to our feelings for each other.
Now I’m sitting here, sulking in my bedroom alone while he’s with someone else, feeling completely embarrassed and stupid for thinking that we were anything more than friends.
I fall asleep, caught in a mental battle of trying to decipher whether the way his feelings always seemed to match my own was real or simply a concept that I made up in my head.
She’s so pretty, you two look so great
Time for me to move on now
It was probably just a silly crush anyway
Kie’s knee knocks against mine as she sits down in the empty spot next to me, the fire in front of us casting shadows against her soft skin. I shake out of my daze, pulling my eyes away from the flames to focus on her. A tipsy smile etches on my face at the sight of her gentle expression.
“You okay?” My smile falters at her question, eyes falling on the couple cuddled against each other on the other side of the fire. “You’ve been quiet all night.”
“I’m fine,” I nod, taking a sip of the beer in my hands. I bump my shoulder with hers softly. Trying to lighten my own mood. “I’m just trying to get used to seeing them together is all.”
“Me too,” she responds, toying with the bottle in her own hands. “How are you doing with all of this?”
“Not great,” I admit, averting my eyes to the sand beneath our feet. I push my hair away from my face, gathering my thoughts for a minute. “I mean, she’s gorgeous and clearly makes him so happy but seeing them together makes me feel sick to my stomach.”
“Y/n,” she pouts, a sympathetic look crossing her features.
“It’s okay,” I assure her, waving it off. “It was probably just a silly crush, but it’s going to take time to move on.”
“I’ll be here through it all,” she promises jokingly, but I can hear the seriousness in her tone. “I like Sarah, but John B is an idiot for not seeing what he’s missing with you.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle, my eyes hesitantly moving to look at him again. “He is.” I’m surprised to catch his eye when I look across the fire. Sarah was engrossed in a conversation with Pope whle John B’s focus steadied on me. He shoots me a soft smile, his eyes twinkling when I return it. My heart rate speeds up momentarily, a sense of longing settling in my chest before his attention goes back to the girl enveloped in his arms.
But I just can’t help but think
That we, we could have had something
Have I really been blind to reality? Baby tell me
I blink allowing my thoughts to wander as Kie stands to grab another drink. The small interaction with John B causing my mind to reel with endless scenarios and memories of what we used to be.
“We’re always going to be close, right?” I murmured into the silence of the room, my voice carrying for a moment.
John B shifted me so that I was facing him, his arms never leaving their position curled around my waist.
“Of course we will,” he promised, his breath fanning over my face. “You’ll always be my girl.” My heart hammered in my chest at the way the phrase rolled off of his tongue so easily. Him vocalizing that he sees me as “his girl” enough to make me putty in his arms.
That was the turning point in our friendship for me. The moment that the soft glances and one on one’s were more than just two friends hanging out. It seemed that he had that understanding too, he always wore a content smile when I was around, humming whenever my skin so much as brushed his.
All things considered, feeling as though my feelings were reciprocated didn’t feel so silly. It seemed like we had something going on after that moment, and I can’t help but get lost in the thought of what we could have been.
I shake myself out of the rabbit hole of thoughts threatening to pull me under, not wanting to get caught in the mind games. Maybe we were something, or maybe we could have been, but his choice is apparent.
Rather than focusing on what we could have been I begin focusing on who I want to be without him.
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A/n: Hello! This is the first fic that I’ve written and posted in a HOT minute. It’s kind of short, and definitely isn’t my best work, but I was inspired by the song so I thought I’d give it a try.
I hope you guys like it! Feel free to give feedback if you want. Thanks for reading!!
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