Yeah found family is cool but have you considered Lost Family. your brother who time travelled away while your sister died, your father who left you in the divorce but took your sister, your parents and lovers who were killed when you and your sister refused a villain, your older sisters who don't consider you anything more than a tool so maybe there's nothing else you'll ever be, your niece her father traded away because he couldn't bear to raise her without your dead sister, your father who was presumed dead and came back alive yet never came back for you, your mother and her seven other children who will never care for you like your late father did, the parents you thought you had but who raised you for money, your siblings who fled your father's castle to live as far away from you as possible, your aunt who gave you away as soon as someone else wanted you, your son whom you abandoned because you feared the power he had over you, your mother who haunts your house like a ghost because no one there returned her love, your half-sister who prefers her maternal relatives to her father's family, your father who is bound to kill or be killed by you, your daughters who never wanted the love you gave them because you couldn't give them power, your brother who stood by when you were engaged to someone you never knew. your dead parents your dead siblings your dead wife your dead children who all killed each other the moment you turned away to grieve.
Paton Yewbeam calling Ms. Ingeldew “Julia darling,” “Julia my dear,” and “Julia dearest” in casual conversation truly set my standards for romance as a child.
Amy wasn’t sure how to feel when she and her family moved back into Diamond Corner to live. On the one hand, it had been her home for many years and had many happy memories. On the other hand, it also had painful memories, particularly of the night she had lost Lyell.
From what she could tell, Lyell did not remember that day. But Amy did. As Amy walked through the rooms, she couldn’t help but remember. It didn’t matter that many years had passed since that fateful day. In her mind’s eye, she could still see the crib in Charlie’s old bedroom where she had hugged her upset son while trying not to cry herself. She could still see the phone where she had received the news of Lyell’s accident and death. She could still see the room where she’d said goodbye to Lyell as he left her that night to die.
It brought back everything that she’d felt that day—the pain and grief and fear. She tried to hide it, for as long as she could, but eventually it became too much.
After too many nights spent tossing and turning in bed, Amy went to see Julia Ingledew. Julia had become a good friend over the past months, and her door was always open if they needed someone to talk to. Amy hadn’t wanted to bother in the past with her troubles, but now she felt she had no choice. She needed to talk to someone about what she was going through, and she didn’t want to bother Lyell with it if she could help it.
Over a steaming cup of tea, Amy told Julia everything. The bookshop owner listened compassionately.
“I don’t know what to do,” Amy finally admitted. “I know I can’t go on like this, but I can’t—won’t—let Lyell see me like this.”
Julia raised an eyebrow at this—something Amy wondered if she’d learned from Paton. “Why not?” she said. “I’m sure he would understand what you’re going through.”
Amy closed her eyes and took a sip of tea before speaking again. “I know he would, but, oh Julia, he’s still healing from his ordeal in Bloor’s Academy. I don’t want to dredge up anything painful that’s better left forgotten.”
She’d already seen some of the after-effects of his ordeal. More often than not, she would fall asleep in their bed with Lyell next to her, only to wake up a few hours later and find the space beside her empty. Or she would wake up to find him in the midst of a dream that she could tell pained him. She never said anything to him about it. The doctor had told them that it was all part of the healing process, and that it would get better in time. But it still hurt to see him this way.
Julia sighed. “I don’t think that would matter to him. Listen, Amy, one of the reasons Paton and I had issues was because we didn’t communicate with each other properly. If I’d make it clearer sooner how I felt about his absences and my feelings for him, maybe we wouldn’t have fallen out the way we did.”
Amy looked at her, surprised. “It was hardly your fault, Julia.” From what she’d heard, it had been largely Paton’s fault for abandoning Julia during the time when she’d most needed him. “You had every right to be angry at him.”
“I know I did. But after my anger and hurt at him had died down a bit, I realised that I’d never truly let him know how much I felt about him, and how much I needed him. If I had, then maybe he would have stayed more often and been there when I needed him.”
“You think I should talk to Lyell about this,” Amy realised.
“Yes,” Julia said bluntly. “Amy, from what you’ve told me, you both need to heal. You can’t do that without talking to each other about what you went through.’
The two women finished their afternoon tea in a comfortable silence. It was only when it was time to leave that Amy spoke up again. As they walked to the front door and Amy was getting ready to leave, Amy turned and embraced her friend. “Thank you, Julia. You’re a good friend.”
Julia smiled. “There’s no thanks needed. Just think on what I’ve said.”
“I will,” Amy promised.
And so she did. Amy pondered Julia’s words during the next few days after she returned home to Diamond Corner. She could see the common sense in those words, and yet… how could she burden Lyell with this? And how could she bring herself to tell him, let alone anyone, about the most painful day of her life? For it would dredge up memories that she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with yet. And besides, she wasn’t sure how to speak about it.
Amy thought about it for the next few days and could not come to a decision about what to do. However, the matter was taken right out of her hands eventually. One night, a week after she’d been to see Julia, she and Lyell were sitting at the kitchen table, having a late-night tea. Charlie had already gone to bed, so they were alone.
It had become a habit between them, ever since they had moved into Diamond Corner. They hadn’t had much time alone since they had been reunited, what with everything that had happened in the past few months, and it was nice to spend this time together.
That night, she caught Lyell staring at her in concern.
‘What is it?’ she asked.
Lyell hesitated, then said, “Amy, what’s wrong?’
She looked away. ‘Why would you think anything is wrong?’
‘I’ve seen you tossing and turning in bed. You look paler than you used to, and you haven’t been smiling as much lately. It worries me.’
Amy sighed. She should’ve known that she couldn’t hide anything from Lyell for very long. Even after all these years, he still noticed the littlest things about her.
“I thought I’d be able to handle returning here to live,’ she admitted. ‘But now that we’re here, I can’t help remembering everything that happened on that… that dreadful day.’ Tears bit her eyes as she gazed at him. ‘You don’t remember it, but I do. It was horrible.’
“Why didn’t you tell me?” It pained her slightly to hear the hurt in Lyell’s voice.
“I don’t know,’ she admitted. “I just… I didn’t want to add to what you’re already going through. I know you still don’t sleep at night. And I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”
“I’m not made of glass,” he said. “Whatever you’re going through, I can handle it. I promise.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just worry. You’ve already been through so much.”
He squeezed her hand. “You don’t need to. Trust me, I’ll be all right. Whatever you need to say, I can handle it, if you want to say it.”
“I’m not sure if I’m ready,” she whispered. However, upon thinking about it, she realised that it would be better to speak of it now. They had just moved back into Diamond Corner. If they were to rebuild their life together, they needed to heal from their hurts and everything that had happened to them in the past. And they couldn’t do that unless they talked to each other about it. Julia had been right about that.
And so, when she finally made the decision to speak about it, it came out of her mouth in a rush—the strangeness of that day after he’d come home from the cathedral, how he hadn’t been himself and how much it had scared her. How she’d hugged Charlie to her chest, trying not to cry. The foreboding she’d felt when he walked out the door. And lastly, receiving the horrible news of his supposed death, how she’d struggled not to drown in her shock and grief.
When she’d finished speaking, Lyell had closed his eyes, a pained look on his face. He didn’t speak for a long moment. Then he opened his eyes and said, “God, Amy, I’m sorry you had to go through that. If I hadn’t—”
“No,” and she gently interrupted him. “It wasn’t your fault. Remember what the doctor said. You shouldn’t blame yourself for something that was out of your control.”
“I know, I know,” he sighed. “It’s just hard not to.” Then, in an effort to change the subject back to their original topic, he said to Amy, “Is there anything I can do to help?” More than anyone, he knew that something like this couldn’t be fixed so easily, but he was willing to do anything to help Amy feel better.
She took a deep breath. “I think… Just hold me. I want to feel your arms around me, so I know this isn’t a dream and we’re here together.”
“Gladly.”
Lyell did his best to make her desire come true. Two hours later, Amy drifted off to sleep feeling a bit more peaceful than she had before. Lyell’s arms were around her like a shield that attempted to blot out some of the pain and ugliness of her memories. When she woke up in the morning, they were still in that same position, meaning to her relief that they had both slept through the night without any disruptions. Amy was glad of that, more than she could say.
The memories that had plagued her for weeks now felt far away and insignificant. Whatever had happened to them in the past, they were both here now and safe. They had survived. Even if some of her memories were painful, she could endure it, because they were all together, a family again, and they had years of happy memories ahead of them. That, she thought, was the most important thing.
