Safe to say no one had ever gone through life without a few moments when the wings of butterflies so great, vomiting seem to be the only viable option, no one understood this more than Junhoe himself. From the moment he had set out with the dream of becoming a star, it was audition after audition, survival show after survival show, there wasn’t a moment since Junhoe had set off to achieve his dream that anxiety hadn’t been a friend. Time and place might be different but in the end the feeling remains the same, more so now than ever. The thought of you being alone, of the long sleepless nights, and days will be spent away from home had twisted his guts into pieces as if the once docile butterflies’ wings now equipped with blades. A night away feels like a year, and this week-long concert feels much like eternity. All the practice, the sound checks, all the prep, nothing could ease his heart of the anxiety, of being away from you. No matter how many times you had laughed off his worries and the smile seemingly always on your lips, Junhoe see right through your façade but he won’t show. Because he knows the moment he crumbles, so will you and if the only good thing he could do to ease the mind of his seven months pregnant fiancée is to pretend then by hell he will.
The last few nights had been… Restless to say the least and the butterflies had grown into full fledge storms, twisting up inside his chest. The itching so deep within his bones to be by your side, to feel the light kicking of the little star, it ran so deep he suddenly found himself weak, clawing at the nonexistent burn on his skin. Not a second gone by that he didn’t think about the exhaustion so evident in your starlit eyes despite the warm smile, vigor on your lips. It’s funny really, he’s been your partner in crime for five damn years, five good damn years of the greatest hits and worst punches, ‘bout to get the promotion of his life yet you still got it in your head that you could lie to him. Junhoe knows all too well the moment he turns his back, your hand would be at your back, little circles rub in haste to alleviate whatever pain it could before his attention return. If he could have the world his way, you’d be right here with him but that was no longer even an option as your bump grows heavier each day. Even your weekly date night had turned into take-outs and watch movie at home on the couch night. Needless to say, you flying to every single concert to see him, well that was completely out of the question. He was sure by now too, you’ve grown tired of his endless calls and texts even if you had just picked up his call with the loudest, brightest greeting known to mankind.
“How are my babies doing tonight?” Nothing, he swears, nothing makes him happier than the sight of you enjoying your food, more so now that that you were eating for two.
“So good! Can you tell Yunhyeong the little one loves his soup? And I super appreciate that he took time to cook for me!” You gushed, dribbling a bit of soup down your chin and was rewarded with the best sound in the world – his laughter. Junhoe has the best laugh in the world, anyone who has a problem can come fight you. The night could be weary and day, hell. Just one smile and a bit of laugh, it was like none of the adversity you had faced matter. He lights up your days the way no one else could and you are so incredibly lucky to have him by your side through thicks and thins.
“I will let him know. I miss you guys so much.” Laughter gone, leaving a heavy sigh mingling in the silent of the night.
“I know, but only one more night!” You cheer, “One more night and you’re home!” Your cheer seems to lift his spirit. Even if it was only a tiny bit, it was enough to tug that handsome smile back onto his lips. It was hard to grumble and mumble when you insist upon showing him endless pictures and videos of your doctor appointment just that morning. Junhoe’s completely moonstruck, gushing and aweing the entire two hours he manages to get in before you scold him to go to sleep. Even then, good nights and love wishes taken nearly another half hour before a grumpy man finally hangs up the call. For the first time in months, Junhoe truly feel prepare, that nothing in this world could get him down as long as you and the little one were there with him. For the first time since he reluctantly packed his bags and left, the sandman finally graces him with a peaceful sleep.
Even as the blaring of his alarm piercing through his ear drums, Junhoe awaken with a smile on his lips. The hours to come fill with endless schedule but his heart knows, once midnight rings through, once more he’ll be on his way back to you. Yet all the happiness bubbling so close to the surface, the excitement, all that was shattered the second he realizes the 15 miss calls from both your parents and his. Fear wrecking through his body, the world that had seemed so bright and happy just a second ago begins to crumble beneath his feet as each dial tone tears away another piece of his heart. Calls after calls went unanswered, contact list runs short as panic engulfs his soul. It couldn’t be, he laughs in complete disbelief, you were still nearly two months away. This body had taken him through the highest and lowest, endured endless hours of practice as trainee with barely enough food, dosing him with the adrenaline of standing on the big stage of their first concert, supported him through the tears shed when iKON had their first win. Yet the moment he needed for it to work, to do its job just as it had for so long, his body left him to dry, frozen in shock. There wasn’t a thing he could do, not even the worst-case scenario creeping up in the back of his mind could get it to move. So, he stands there screaming, letting the tears stream endlessly down his cheeks, praying for someone to come help him… Help you. Yet just when he had thought all hope was lost, his managers along with the rest of the boys barge into his room, a commotion follows. His mind in a blur and the next moment he comes to, Hanbin was shoving his phone against his ears and the sound to spew from the speaker was one that left him in excruciating pain. You’re crying, calling for him. And all he could do was utters over and over again, “I’m coming home.”
The taxi barely has time to halt its speed before Junhoe already diving out the door, sprinting toward the white glow of the hospital, never mind that his manager was scrambling to pay the poor driver, shocked from the young man suddenly sprinting off. He didn’t know where, or how he could even reach you but he knows time was of the essence. He runs and runs until the call for his name echoes through the empty hallway filled with the scent of disinfectant and beeping of machines.
“Junhoe, hurry.” His father calls for him, not too far behind was yours, wearing the most painful expression on his features. His chest burning and legs failing but not now, he can’t stop now, not when you were so close, not when you were fighting so hard. So he follows the two men he had spent so much time looking up to as they lead him up the stair, no time waiting for the elevator. Almost immediately, his mom pulls him into a hug and your mom too, crying but she did the same.
“What happened? Where’s Y/n?” He rushes out, terrifies that he was too late. There had been a time when the fear of failing his members, the fear of not being able to make his parents proud was atop the list of things that would crush his heart and soul. Now, as panic and trepidation slowly wrecking every fiber of his being, your cries and screams echoing through his mind, Junhoe was sure nothing else could rattle distress through his bone as much as this. The thought of losing you, losing the little star… It wasn’t one he could fathom in his heart as his exhausted body collapses to the floor. Yet immediately, he pushes himself up, fighting the many hands doing their best to ease his mind, to help him.
“Junhoe, sit down. You’ll do her no good if you black out now.” Your mom protests when he springs to his feet, not knowing where to go or even what to do. At the tugging of the dads, he finally settles onto the cold plastic chair lining by the window to your room, curtain drawn, offering him no solace, no sight of you. Even now, the eerie silent that had replaced your cries for him strikes horror in his heart.
“She’s in there, the doctor doesn’t know why she went into labor early but…”
“What about the little star?” It was now that the implication of early labor had hit him, Junhoe nearly send the worried parents onto the floor when he suddenly propels upward, anxiety laces with every word, every stare he shares.
“Healthy, no worry.” Once more under the guide of his mom, he settles into his seats, stilling himself before lips parting once more. But of course, his mom knows just exactly the question about to fall from his lips. “But Y/n is having a hard time delivering, they’re considering surgery now.”
“Can I, can I see her? Please?” He begs as if his parents and yours hold the power, but to his dismay they only shake their head, expressing the doctor’s strict instruction to wait. Unable to keep still, not when you had been so silent, hidden away from his arms, surrounding by complete strangers. He should be in there, be right by your side, holding your hands. He had assured you times and times again that he’d be there no matter what, even if you cuss at him, even if you hit him. He’ll be there despite you insisting he didn’t have to, and that birth was a horrific mess of blood and guts. Junhoe had always just laughed it off, if you could push an entire tiny person out of you, he could handle a bit of blood. So he paces, pressing his ears close to the door hoping for even just a single sound but none came. It must have been half an hour before that door he had been ready to kick down swing open, a nurse slowly emerging before calling for family member.
“I’m here, I’m her husband.” Junhoe jumps from his seat, rushing over even before the nurse had time to finish her question, not caring that your plan of getting marry was one for the future.
“Good news, her blood pressure had decreased quite a bit, so baby is no longer in any harm. But if we can’t get it to normal level, I’m afraid surgery will be required.”
“Please, can I see her. I can calm her down…” Junhoe begs once more, praying silently that he’d be allow to see you, to be there for you. He watches impatiently as the nurse disappears once more behind the door, leaning just to steal a peek but he saw nothing but white curtains.
“Doctor approves, but only one person can come in. Please take time to decide-“
“I’ll go in.” The kind nurse once more emerges, but before she could get to finish her sentence, Junhoe had already decided. Any other day and he’d be respectful, giving your parents the choice but not today, and he hopes they’ll forgive him for needing to see his wife and baby. At once, he tails the nurse who then instructs for him to clean up, completing the look with a blue paper gown and hat. Another five minutes of instruction before the white curtain hiding you away finally lift, the sight of you so tired and worn steals a sharp gasp from his lungs. Junhoe sighs, wondering just what hell you had gone through while he was so peacefully asleep in luxury, away in another country. Tears begin pricking at the corners of his eyes but not now, he can’t cry now because you need him to be strong. With one sniffle, he forces them away even if you’ll be able to tell, you can always tell when something was bothering him.
“Junhoe…” You sigh, a smile blossoms on your lips the second that sniffle tears through the disgusting silent of the room. There was no word that could express the relief washing over your heart and soul the second he hobbles in, redden eyes and sniffles telling you he had been crying. But that smile, the way he was doing so much just to steady his breathing. You adore him so much for trying his best to stay calm for you even though inside, a raging storm of worries was probably tearing him apart. You can’t even begin to imagine the pain of not knowing, of being so far away from you at the most critical moment… you know he blames himself. He couldn’t utter a single word, not one but a tight embrace wrapped your body in solace and love.
“I’m sorry for taking so long…”The sentence choked out from his heart, but you only shake your head with an understanding smile.
“I should be the one to say sorry, for worrying you like that. I guess the little one is on a different schedule than us, hmm?” You joked and it lifted his spirit to see you smiling so brightly still despite the messy, sweat dampen locks. Junhoe winces at the endless wires and chords coming from your body, and though he couldn’t lay right beside you and wrap you in his arms, he does his best to lean in close, let you nuzzle under his arm.
“So, doctor tells me you’ve been doing great so far.” A soft kiss flutters its wings on your dry, chapped lips. “But we got a little more to go, okay?” He mused so gently, if wasn’t for the way his fingers delicately toying with yours, you wouldn’t even know that his nerve was so close to failing.
“Okay…” You sigh, shifting uncomfortably around, feeling another round of contraction reigning upon your body.
“Are you hurting a lot?” His arm only constricts tighter around your shoulder the second he saw the discomfort painting so clearly over your features. He got his hand gently rubbing at your back, spreading warmth and comfort into your aching back, though you could no longer feel anything below your waist.
“No, just uncomfortable.” You tried to heave laugh to ease his mind but all that comes out were small gasps of discomfort, feeling your entire body constricting. “Uh, baby is definitely coming.” You sigh, contractions no longer ease, not even when you let your body fall into the most comfortable position you could manage. Like waves crashing the shore that was your body, though these waves were nothing to remind you of bright summer days spent frolicking by the beach, your contraction worsen with each tick of the clock. With each wave crashed, its intensity on grow and you could do nothing else but grab onto Junhoe as if he was your last life line in the middle of a stormy ocean. The tears he had hidden come crashing in like a broken dam, rushing down his cheeks as he watches on helplessly. Though you insist times and times again, as with the doctor reassurance every time Junhoe winces aloud that you were not in pain, there was no helping his feeble heart from shedding tears. That fear still of the complication, the reason why you had gone into labor early, they hang over his head like a dark cloud ready to storm any second. His mind blank, for every time your face contorted under a push, a soft kiss pressed upon your sweaty skin. He knows full well that this very moment neither his kisses nor hugs could help, but that was the only thing he could do as the doctor and nurses tend to your need. It had been 8 hours, 8 excruciating hours since he first awaken to your frantic voicemails and endless miss calls. His mind weary but it was nothing compare to the stress your body and soul had been under. As the nurses cheer you on, doctor calling for one last push, this adventure share between you and him flashes before his eyes. From the moment he had laid his eyes on you, just an intern doing the grunt work for a big company that had hosted the launch party iKON attended. You were getting bossed by nearly everyone, yet the smile so bright on your lips mesmerized him in ways no one ever had before. He watched you grew from the shy intern to the confident, independent woman that can hold her own in this world. There will never be enough words to describe just what you mean to him, to be there in his lowest moments, to give him a life that he thought was just a dream being an idol, consumed with work. Till now, giving him a child that although neither of you had planned for, it’s the greatest moment of his life, no contest. As the first cry of the little star echoes through the empty room, tears stream down his cheeks, and the biggest smile blooms on his lips. Junhoe watches as you sigh a breath of relief, falling back into his arms with a smile too that very much mirrors his. For just a second, the entire world, the entire crew of nurses and doctor huddling over your still raw wound melts away. It’s just you and him, exhausted and worn, but ready to take on the world with hearts beating as one. For the first time in nearly 12 hours, you both share a laugh, letting the crisp sound welcomes in your little star.
“It’s a little boy.” The kind nurse that had put up with much of Junhoe’s impatient self just earlier coos gently, handing over the little bundle of joy all wrapped up and clean. She smiles, congratulation fills the air as she places your brand-new baby in your arms.
“We have a son…” He sighs, a moonstruck smile spreads on his lips, completely in awe at the little star. “Nice to meet you, baby. I’m your dad.” Junhoe experiments, letting the new title falls from his lips with a chuckle, joy surging through his every vein when the little fingers wrap tightly around his own.
He’s tiny, far tinier than what had predicted at the many doctor visits but he’s still so perfect. Tousles of soft hair swaying gently as you press a tiny kiss onto the crown of his head, admiring just how much he looks like Junhoe… Though your man insists that the little one very much looks like his mom.
“I think it’s time you meet the grandparents, little one.” You coo, gently petting his pudgy cheek. Though you weren’t ready to let go just yet, you know just on the other side of the door, your parents and his anxiously await. So you nudge Junhoe on, a soft smile to let him know it was okay to take the tyke away. Wide eyes, Junhoe stares back as if you had just grown a second head before hopping off the bed. For a second, confusion plague your heart as you watch him twisting and patting himself, reaching out his arms only to retrieve them back at lightning speed.
“Honey, what on earth are you doing?” You question, wondering if the doctor had given him drug on accident.
“Preparing myself. Don’t wanna drop our baby.” He mutters, this time shedding the bulky jacket from his body, grumbling about not wanting the zipper to hurt the little one.
“Definitely, do not drop our baby.” Your little tease clearly did not amuse the new dad as he sighs mournfully, no doubt wondering if he’ll ever be ready to hold his new son. “I’m just joking, Junhoe. Come here.” You call for him, pulling him right beside you before letting a small kiss flutters against his lips. “You’re doing great, stop worrying so much. You’ll be the best dad ever, so stop questioning yourself with everything.”
“Can you blame me? He’s so tiny… and I’m just scare. I don’t know what to do… I’ve never been a dad before.” Pressing a delicate kiss upon the tiny hand, Junhoe let himself lost in the small nose and rosy cheeks.
“I am too, but we got this. And our parents are here for us, the guys are here for us. We’ll take it one hour at a time, okay? Plus, we haven’t even named the little star yet, so it’s not time to have a meltdown just yet.” You muse gently, placing the tiny baby into his arms before waving him off.
As Junhoe takes his first step ever into fatherhood with the little star snoozing so peacefully in his arms, a wave of bliss washes over his soul and suddenly everything was right in the world. Junhoe’s so certain that he was always meant to be here, with you, with the little baby. Even if the road had been a rough one till the very last second, it was one he’d take time and time again if it meant always ending up here. Even now, as he carefully hands over the tiny one to the doting grandparents, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the adorable tiny fingers and toes, still in awe that just days ago he was still in your belly, peacefully resting, awaiting his days in the sun. But now, all the things he wanted to do, to kiss, to love, to take the little star on the best adventures ever, or even just to the grocery store… All that was possible and there was no word to express how thankful Junhoe was to you, and to his parents. There was so much he doesn’t know and future so uncertain. Hell, neither you nor him even have a single clue as to what to name your tiny son. There’ll be hardship, he doesn’t doubt that for one second but hand in hand, this little family of his will be virtually indestructible so long as he has you, and his little star.
