#just random crap

[phantomcreeeper]

Today has been an all around extremely hard and lonely day. Mentally, emotionally, and physically it has been shite.

My lower back epidural has officially fully worn off. I need to set up an appointment for an injection, but my insurance decided to make that process more difficult. I'm really hoping my doctor understands that I cannot function at all once the inflammation kicks in. I literally cannot walk. He's a semi new doctor for me, so I'm really, really fucking hoping he'll tell my insurance it's legitimately needed and to schedule one ASAP.

I'm starting to find out my pain level plays into my anxiety a lot now. It didn't used to be the case but as I've gotten older and have physically deteriorated more I'm seeing the connection growing. I don't like it. At fucking all.

My brain and heart are both at war with damn near everything. I shouldn't care about certain things I see but I do. It shouldn't bother me the way it does, but I guess I'm too sensitive and I really wish I wasn't.

I feel like a fool. An absolute idiot actually, and not for the first time. I mean, I'm not blind. I can see it.

But I will admit I'm confused about a lot of things right now. There really doesn't seem to be anything pointing me in the right direction. I feel so lost and alone. I don't know where to turn to and I don't know why I can't snap out of this.

I'm dealing with so much pain physically and I can't seem to get my brain to snap out of this episode of...idk what to call it other than bullshit.

Between the physical pain and now the frequency of the nightmares ramping up it's keeping me from actually sleeping.

I'm so tired anymore.

I wish I could just get a break from all of this. The emotions. The memories. The pain... especially the pain.

I just need to go to bed. Even if I can't sleep I can at least try to rest my body. Pain meds aren't working. Tonics aren't working. Smoking isn't helping either. It's just a miserable type of day.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know how to feel.

I just don't know.

[mega-ch0nker]

b O r e d .

[ceruleantacosyum]

Friend: Getting a summer Camilla in FEH inevitable.

Me internally: Yeah but I doubt we'll get one soon..

FEH: Summer Camilla is in the upcoming summer banner!

Me: lol what

[phantomcreeeper]

Had to run errands after work. And at this time of year in Florida it's a race against time and traffic before the late afternoon/early evening storm comes beating down upon us little people.

And today it seems like I had a little luck following me around 👌😊

✨

✨

Traffic could have been worse and the stores weren't busy either. So even with my knees feeling as if there were a flame hovering just above them, while simultaneously feeling like a knife is being dug into my knee from the side and is just carving things up all willynilly-like...(the pain is bad today)..I was able to get in and out really quickly at a few places.

✨ !! Win, win !! ✨

So I managed to beat the invisible hands of time and make it home before the storm hit.

Granted, my windows are shaking from the thunder....but I made it 👌😊

Also managed to find another ice pack so now I'm relaxing in bed with an ice pack on both knees...feeling like I'm 98 years old and just ran a cross country marathon 3 times over 💀☠️👻

I'm going to do a dab and probably try and get some sleep.

Hope y'all are having a wonderful week so far!!

Stay lifted and always honor your spirit by protecting your own peace 🩷

✨✌️🖖✨

[britneyspearsandfences]

reading my old food diaries is wild coz "yeah, no wonder i got heavier, I've been eating crap for YEARS"

[probably-eating-poptarts]

It's shaping up to be an existential crisis sort of day, and I'm kind of struggling with it. 😞

I hope everyone who follows/interacts with me knows that I love them. 💜

[frcstbxte]

//   On a related note; I will literally put out the most random, illogical crap because my creativity isn’t there as it is. I kid you not, so don’t be surprised if you see some weird or dumb stuff 

[littydoodlez]

Asks are open!

I recently opened up this blog for asks, so if you guys are interested, ask away!