Spark Pt 2
Sneak Peek: He gestured to us and the room, “This! This should be enough of a reason to leave him!” He shouted.
“This? This what?” I matched his volume, “This is nothing. We hook up. We get dressed. You say bye and go back to work. You call me when you want to hook up again.” I paused, catching my breath. My chest felt heavy, “What is this?” I repeated his gesture.
“Apparently it’s nothing. Thanks for letting me know.” He said emotionlessly, spitting my own words back at me.
I was beyond nervous about the next day. It was something I’d never done before, that was nerve wracking enough. I had to be a fake couple with a man I actually had a huge crush on, who had a girlfriend, and on top of that I had to be flirtatious and do PDA with him in a room full of people watching us. It was so awkward.
The only bright side was that it got me out of going out with Gray. I loved hanging out with Gray, he was fun, he made me happy, he was just a good friend in general. I just hated going out.
I kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t sleep at all and it was already 11. I had to be on the set in 6 hours. I was going to feel miserably tired tomorrow.
I felt my phone vibrate under my pillow. The only people that usually text me this late was Gray or Jae Won. Either way I was going to be angry if it was one of them. They both knew I had to be up early the next day.
It was a number I didn’t know. I opened the message.
Hey, it's Zico. I hope it’s okay I got your number from Jae. I just wanted to thank you again for doing this. I know it’s not your thing, but I really do appreciate it. I promise to make it up to you.
I felt my heart flutter as I read his text. I reminded myself he was taken and was a client. This was a professional situation and I had to treat it as such.
I rolled over and responded.
Hey! It’s fine. Don’t worry about it :)
As I sent it I regretted the exclamation point. It made me sound way too excited that he was texting me.
Another buzz from my phone.
Are you nervous?
He had no idea how nervous I was or why I was nervous.
Absolutely terrified. I held my phone and waited for his response.
It came quickly. Don’t be. I’ll be there to help and if you ever feel uncomfortable just tell me.
That was the issue. He’d be there and I’d be uncomfortable the entire time. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t be honest with him.
Thanks Zico. :)
It was simple and professional.
You’re welcome. Try to get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.
I didn’t respond. I was sure he meant to ease my mind but it just made me even more nervous.
I found Gray’s number in my phone and called him.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” He asked right away.
“I can’t sleep, I’m too nervous.” I answered honestly.
“Don’t be. It’ll be easy. You just get to stand there and look pretty.” I heard fabric ruffle on the other line and knew he was in bed. I just hoped I wasn’t interrupting anything.
I had told him what my role in the music video was going to be. He thought it’d be easy but I disagreed.
I sighed, “I have an issue. I need your advice on.”
“Ah you need my advice for once.” I could hear the smugness in his voice.
“Gray, please. I’m already hating that I have to ask this.”
“You know I’m always here to help. What’s going on?”
I took a breath before confessing my real emotions. “I like him. Like for real. And now I have to pretend to be his girlfriend. I’m so uncomfortable about it and terrified that I’ll just fall for him even more.”
“What’s wrong with that?” He asked.
“He has a girlfriend.”
“Ah.” He thought for a moment before continuing, “Babe I wish I had some easy fix for you or great advice, but I don’t. I’ve been in that situation before too. It sucks.” He moved in his bed again, the sheets brushed against the phone. He sighed, “Take it as a hall pass. That’s what I’d do. You like him and he has a girlfriend. You get to act like his girlfriend in his music video, so go for it. Ignore everyone in the room and just see him. Be his girlfriend. Don’t hold back.” I wasn’t sure if I could do that. I didn’t like his girlfriend at all, but I still didn’t like feeling like I was helping him cheat on her. I had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t cheating. Actors do this all of the time. It’s not cheating.
“Besides, if you both go for it, the chemistry will be fire and the music video will be incredible. You’ll be the hero.”
“And after filming?” I asked. The fallout was what I was worried about.
He sighed, “After filming you go back to being you and he goes back to having a girlfriend. He’ll think you did a great job and will be grateful and you…” he paused. I think we both knew it wasn’t good news for me, “You will be hanging out with me every day until you don’t think about how much it hurts, because it will hurt unfortunately.”
Part of me wanted to smile at Gray's kindness but the other part of me was already crumbling into pieces. I was going to take Gray's advice as best as I could. I’d go for it. That’s what was expected of me. If I held back we’d look awkward together and it wouldn’t work. I'd go for it completely and worry about picking up the pieces when we were done filming.
I took a deep breath and released it. “Thanks Gray. I appreciate it.”
“Always.”
…
I arrived on set and immediately felt nervous. Everyone was running around getting everything ready, I just felt so out of place. I was happy to see Jae Won almost immediately, even if he was the reason I was in this situation.
“Hey, question, did all of the invoices for this get paid? Or at least in the process of getting paid?”
I smiled, of course he was asking a work question, he really would be lost without me. I nodded, “I made sure to pay everything yesterday before I left work. All receipts are in your email, in a folder labeled “One Man Show MV.” I also sent them to my email, and I have copies of them all on my computer at the office.”
He breathed a sigh of relief, “You're amazing. I need you in hair and make up.”
I was so much more comfortable talking about work things than music video things. I followed him as he walked me to where I'd be getting ready for the video. He introduced me to the hair and make up team and left me in their hands. I sat my bag down and squeezed my phone in my hands as I sat in their chair.
I watched them in the mirror as they pulled and curled my hair in every direction before pinning it temporarily so that the curls would set and last longer. They sprayed a cloud of hairspray around my head to ensure the curls would hold.
Make-up was next. It was nice having an entire team do my hair and make up, I could get used to it. I almost forgot what it was for, until my phone pinged
I held it up so I wasn't messing up the make-up artist, it was Zico.
You look nervous. I was extremely nervous, and now even more so knowing he was watching me.
I am I answered honestly.
Don't be, if you feel uncomfortable at any time just tell me. I want you to feel comfortable, okay?
I couldn't help but smile, it really was kind of him to be concerned about my feelings regarding the video. I didn't get a chance to respond. The hair stylists started taking my hair down and spraying, what seemed like, gallons of hair spray.
When I opened my eyes Jae Won was next to me. “Have you seen the outfit you're supposed to be wearing?” His tone and the look on his face told me I wouldn't like it.
“How bad is it?” I asked as I slid out of the chair.
“It's not you.” he rubbed the back of his neck, “it’s a dress. And frilly, and pink.”
It was literally everything I was not. I inhaled, “it might work.” I tried to sound positive.
Jae Won laughed quietly, “I've never seen you in anything pink, or frilly, or a dress. It's not going to work with your tattoos.”
“I'll try it on, it might work.” Deep down I was desperately hoping it wouldn't work. One of the nice ladies working the shoot came over just on cue and handed me the dress. Jae Won was right, it was even worse than he described. I followed her back to the dressing room. I could already tell it was going to be too short for my frame. It was a baby pink colour, with capped sleeves. The sleeve hem and skirt hem had ruffles. I definitely was going to look odd.
I pulled it on either way, fixed my hair and walked back out to my boss. This time he was accompanied by Jiho whose back was to me. I tugged the skirt down and smoothed it out as I got to them.
“Wow.” Was all Jae Won said.
“It's not good.” I laughed nervously.
Jiho turned around, his mouth fell open. I watched him look me over as Jae Won started talking. I couldn't focus on what my boss was saying, I was more focused on Jiho’s eyes.
“It's not that bad, but it's definitely not you. What do you think Zico?” Jae Won asked.
“You have a lot of tattoos.” was all he managed to get out.
I nodded and fumbled with my fingers. That was my giveaway that I was nervous or anxious–fumbling with my fingers.
“You didn't know?” my boss asked. Jiho shook his head. “Does that ruin the look you were going for?” Jae Won asked.
Jiho smiled and shook his head again, “No, it actually makes it better. I don't think the dress will work though.” He tilted his head and looked at me. It seemed like he wanted to say something else but he held back.
“Lennon, what did you come here in?” Jae Won asked.
“Jeans, a black tank top and a jacket.”
Jae Won called over the woman who gave me the dress and spoke to her in Korean. I think he was telling her I was changing outfits and to help me make it look fashionable for the video.
The woman motioned for me to follow her and I did. I tried to ignore the feeling of Jiho watching me as I walked away.
I slipped my own clothes back on. The concept of personal space when dressing for a music video was thrown out the window. The woman helping me tucked my tank into my jeans and did a single stitch in specific spots to my pants so no matter how I moved the tank stayed tucked and in place. She pulled out some body tape and further invaded my personal space by hiding tape below my bra, taping my boobs in such a way they looked like a perfect Victoria’s Secret set. I felt awkward, but I made sure to file that trick away in my memory bank for later use.
I walked back to my co-star and boss, somehow more nervous now than I was in the dress.
“Much better.” Jae Won smiled. “What do you think, Zico?”
Jiho also smiled, “Perfect.”
I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief and smile. I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath the whole time.
“How many tattoos do you have?” he asked, glancing at my sleeve.
“I'm not sure. Quite a few, I have them all over.” I wasn't sure why I suddenly felt so nervous. Tattoos were one thing I could talk about all day every day, but right now I was nervous. I knew he wasn't judging me, he had probably as many tattoos as I did, maybe a couple less.
“I'd love to see them.” he smiled, then quickly added, “I didn't mean it like that.” Realizing his statement could have been taken in a different and inappropriate context. “It’s fine, I don't mind showing you.” This felt vaguely like flirting and I didn’t know what to think about it. We hadn’t started acting yet, so I wasn’t in the head space to remind myself it was all fake. It felt real, but it couldn’t be real for more than one reason.
“You two can compare tattoos later. You have a visitor.” Jae Won nodded behind me.
I turned and saw my best friend walking towards me with a big smile.
It was such a surprise to see Gray, I immediately ran and jumped into his arms. I wrapped my legs around him and hugged him tightly, “What are you doing here?”
“I'm not going to miss your first music video.” He sat me down, “It's what friends do. I’m sure you'd do the same for me, if you were around for my first music video.” He smiled and held my hands.
“You're the best.”
He shrugged, “I know.”
We walked back to the two men I was just talking to moments ago. They all said their “hellos'' and did that weird high five bro hug thing guys do.
“The set looks awesome guys.” Gray looked around the studio.
“I think it's going to be the best music video released this month.” Jae Won spoke confidently, “What about our leading lady? What do you think?” Jae Won asked Gray. I felt like I was on display, all three men critiquing my appearance.
Gray looked at me and smiled, “You look hot.”
I couldn't help but laugh, “I literally wear this all of the time and you never say anything.”
He shrugged, “Something about it today is different.”
It was my duct taped boobs that made it different. I rolled my eyes at his typical man comment.
Jae Won started to go over how the day was going to work. He explained what type of scenes we were going to film and that we might have to film them multiple times. That's usually what took the most time was getting the scenes perfect. Because it was such an emotional song, there was going to be a lot of acting and improv involved and that terrified me. One of the scenes we had to shoot was an argument scene. Jiho and I would have to fight about something, even though we literally had nothing to argue about at all. Another scene was us being a normal happy couple, of course there would also be a lot of “B roll,” just extra random scenes filmed to fill empty spaces in the video or to get the vibe of the video on track. The final scene we had to do together was more of a physical scene, I was extremely nervous about that scene as well.
There were two sets we were going to be working on today. One was a plain white set, it was supposed to look almost like a dream, they were going to edit it in post to make it have that airy dream feel when appropriate. The second set was a bedroom. This set was where we'd have the fight and the “physical” scene. As Jae Won explained all of this, I became even more nervous. I squeezed Gray's hand nervously. Jae Won excused himself to go check and make sure everyone else was ready to start filming. Jiho followed him, his head bowed.
“Has he looked that bummed out all morning?” Gray asked, nodding towards Jiho. I shook my head, “No. He actually looked happy before you got here.'' I nudged him.
“I wonder if Jae Won has spread the rumour that we’re dating.” Gray laughed.
I didn't think it was funny. There was no reason for Jae Won to tell people Gray and I were dating, whether it was true or not.
“It shouldn't matter either way. He has a girlfriend, remember?” I looked towards Jiho. He was standing with Jae Won overseeing the production of his video. He did look like he was in a completely different mood than he was five minutes before Gray showed up.
Gray lowered his head closer to mine and spoke quietly, “If I were him and had to do a make out session with you, I'd want to forget I had a girlfriend. I’d also be nervous if your so called boyfriend showed up”
“Why? I mean other than it being awkward.”
Gray leaned in a little more, “Because you look hot. Remember what I said last night? About not holding back? If I were him I wouldn't want to hold back a bit, but now your “boyfriend” is here, it definitely puts a damper on his plans.”
“You just got here though, you can't leave me. This is the most comfortable I've felt all morning.” I was already nervous, but having Gray made me feel a little better. He knew my true feelings, he’d know what to say if he saw me having a tough time with filming. He’d remind me to “not hold back” like he said last night.
He smiled, “I'll stay if you want me to. He's not going to like it.”
I shook my head, “He has a girlfriend.”
Gray shrugged, “Okay don't believe me.”
“Lennon, are you ready?” Jae Won called to me. My stomach did flips. I absolutely was not ready, but I had to be.
As I turned to walk to the set, Gray wished me luck in his own way. “Go get ‘em tiger.” He said as he slapped my ass.
“Gray!” I turned to swat his hand away. He smirked and I couldn't help but smile at his attempt to ease my nerves.
Jiho was sitting on a white block on set. It was meant to blend into the surrounding white space. He was looking down at his hands, messing with his rings.
“You look nervous now.” I said gently.
He looked up at me then over to where Gray and Jae Won were standing. “Yeah. I guess I am.”
“Alright, let's get started. You two go ahead and start acting like a couple and when you’re in the groove of it we’ll start filming.” Jae Won clapped his hands together, his voice resonated through the entire set.
I looked at Gray, who gave me a look of encouragement. When I looked back at Jiho, I knew this was going to be harder than it was the other day at casting.
“Happy couple you two.” Jae Won spoke again.
I didn’t want to upset my boss, so I carefully took Jiho’s hand in mine. It wasn’t much, and I knew it wasn't what Jae Won was wanting, but I was hoping it let Jiho know that it was okay.
“This is painful to watch.” I heard Jae Won’s voice.
Jiho dropped my hand and stood up, “I just need a minute.” He spoke directly to Jae Won and walked away.
I looked back at Gray. He mouthed “Go” and nodded towards Jiho. I hesitantly walked over to where Jiho was. I didn’t know why he was nervous or why his confidence had gone down so much, it made me feel like it was my fault. Like I had done something to make him upset or to make him not want to do the music video with me.
“Hey.” My voice came out quieter than I expected. I was surprised he even heard me.
He looked up, his eyes were full of worry. “Hey.”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
He shook his head, “Just nervous I guess.” He looked at me then over to where everyone else was. “I respect Gray a lot as an artist and producer.” He began explaining why he was nervous, “I don't feel like I can do what I need to for the video for it to be what I expected since he’s here.”
I understood where he was coming from. I respected Jiho and I was a ball of nerves around him all of the time.
I sighed, “Just pretend like he’s not here. Pretend like no one is here, it’s just us.”
He laughed quietly, “I guess we’ve switched places. Now I’m the nervous one and you’re reassuring me.”
I smiled, “I need you to not be nervous. It makes me even more anxious. I thought I did something wrong or that you didn’t want to do the video with me anymore.”
“What? No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just in my head with Gray being here.” He reached his hand out to mine, his fingers grazing against mine.
I shook my head, “It’s just us here. Ignore them.”
Jiho smiled, “Thanks Lennon. You ready?”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t so sure that I was ready, “I’ll give you Gray’s version of encouragement, “go get ‘em tiger.”” I smiled at him.
Jiho looked at me, his smile gone. “you’re the one I’m supposed to be getting though.”
It was time to start putting my own emotions to the side and go into “don't hold back” mode.
I smiled at him as I walked past him, turning my head to look at him and say, “then come get me.”
When we got back to the set, the entire vibe had changed. It was uncomfortable before. There was a nervous tension in the air. Now, Jiho stood close to me, a different type of tension filled the room.
“Let’s try this again.”Jae Won cleared his throat, “Happy couple take two.”
Jiho looked down at me, a flash of nervousness crossed his face. I stepped closer to him, “It’s just us.” I said quietly so that only he could hear it. “Don’t hold back.” I repeated Gray’s advice.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” His voice matched my volume level.
I smiled and brushed my hand across his cheek, “You won’t. We’re here to make an incredible music video, so let’s do it. Do whatever feels right.” My confidence was surprising even me.
“Cue music.” Jae Won’s voice came from somewhere. I took that as he was pleased with what we were doing, and they started filming.
Without missing a beat, Jiho slid his hands down my waist and picked me up wrapping my legs around his waist. Our faces were inches apart. I smiled and slid my hand through his hair, cupping his face in my hand.
He smirked, “hold on tight.”
“Wh–.” Before I could ask why, he spun us around in circles. I wrapped my arms around his neck, “Jiho!” I laughed and squeezed him.
He stopped and looked at me, our eyes almost level for once. Without a word he sat me down on the same white box he had been sitting on earlier. He moved in between my legs and let his hands slide up my thighs. I kept my arms around his neck letting my hands slide through his hair pulling him closer to me.
He pressed his lips to my forehead and I could feel my heart melt into a puddle. He kissed my temple, down to my cheek. His hands slid around to my back and pulled me closer to him. He pulled back slightly and looked at me again. His hand tucked my hair back behind my ear before he kissed my cheek again as his fingers lightly glided down my neck. I automatically tilted my head to the side, opening my neck up. I closed my eyes and felt his soft lips kiss my jaw.
“Keep calling me Jiho.” He whispered before kissing my cheek again.
I hadn't realized I called him Jiho again. I didn’t mean to. For the video, I was happy to call him Jiho.
“Cut.” Jae Won’s voice pulled us out of my utopia. “That’s perfect guys.” He and the hair and make-up team walked over to us. As Jae Won spoke again, our hair was being restyled back into its perfect place. Our make up was being touched up where necessary and our outfits were even being tugged and tucked back in.
“Love what you guys are doing. Let’s save some of the hot and heavy stuff for the last scene. I want to get more cutesy couple shots. I loved the spinning around and laughing, that was cute. Keep the heat for later, but can we get some cute ones first?” Jae Won pat Jiho on the shoulder and walked back to the camera.
The hair and make-up ladies hurried off set behind him. I took a breath and tried to get back into my utopia world with Jiho. All of his hesitations seemed to have left as soon as Jae Won called action Jiho jumped into action.
He took my hands in his and kissed each of them before helping me down from the box. His music was still playing in the background, it echoed throughout the building.
“Dance with me.” He said sweetly.
“I crashed into you the last time we did that.” I laughed.
He nodded and stepped away holding my hand out, “I’m counting on that happening again.” He smiled and pulled me to him. I put my free hand up before I slammed into him. We both laughed and he wrapped his arms around me and gently rested his chin on my head. We both swayed back and forth, mimicking dancing. I let my head rest on his chest. I could feel his heart beating. Somehow hearing his heart beat got to me and I realized all at once how close I was to him which also reminded me that this wasn’t real. After today it was going to be like nothing happened. He’d go back to being Zico, and I’d go back to being Jae Won's personal assistant.
I heard Gray’s words echo in my head. I pushed all of that away and focused on right now, this moment. For right now, Jiho was mine.
I let my hands move up his back slowly, feeling every inch of his back, every curve and ripple of muscle. He moved and looked down at me, he smiled for a moment then spun me out away from him. I returned his smile knowing he was going to pull me back in and try to off balance me.
He did pull me back in, but didn’t off balance me. Instead he stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me, leaning down so his cheek was touching mine. I let my head fall back and rest against him. We continued to sway together. I closed my eyes for a moment just enjoying the feeling of his body against mine.
“Is everything okay so far?” He asked quietly.
I turned my head to look at him. He was so handsome, somehow even more so now than ever before. I nodded, “Perfect.”
A smile spread across his face.
“Now kiss.” Jae Won’s voice cut like a knife into our little world. Jiho’s smile faded.
He stood up and looked at my boss, “I can’t.”
It felt like a dagger through my heart.
“It’s what couples do. Just a quick peck.” Jae Won continued. Jiho looked at me. I gave him a sympathetic smile. I didn’t want to push him, if he felt like he couldn’t I didn’t want to force him to. I wasn’t sure how the rest of the scenes would go, but it was his video and I’d respect his comfort levels just like he was respecting mine.
“It’s fine. It’s cuter without a kiss. Especially with the meaning of the song.” I offered him an out. I knew he’d do the same for me. I also felt like Jae Won wouldn’t fight me as much on it as he would Jiho.
My boss sighed, “Okay, okay.” We were overtaken by the hair and make up team again patting our faces and adjusting our hair. “Is the bedroom set ready?” Jae Won asked someone off set. Jiho went over to Jae Won as Gray walked up to me, a big knowing smile on his face.
“How is it?” He raised his eyebrows.
I put my head into his chest and exhaled deeply. My chest felt so tight, which usually meant I was going to cry soon. I tried to take a deep breath.
“Oh,” Gray put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “That bad huh?”
I looked up at him, “We’re going out tonight and you’re going to make sure I get absolutely wasted. I don't want to remember any of this. Deal?”
He nodded sympathetically, “Deal.” He squeezed me tightly, “Hey, you know what they say, to get over someone, get on top of someone else. I’ll be your wingman.”
I laughed, “Slow down bud. One bad decision at a time, okay?”
He sighed, “If you say so. You’re doing the argument scene next.” He pulled away from me, “In my experience, it’s the hardest type of scene to do. If you’re not actually angry or hurt, it’ll show on screen. It’ll look stupid.” He pushed my hair from my shoulders, “Use the hurt you’re feeling now to your advantage. As much as you don’t want to feel it, lean into it as much as you can. Remember this is all fake, every kiss, every touch, every look he gives you, it's not real. He doesn’t actually like you.” If I didn’t know what he was doing, I would have thought he was just being unnecessarily mean. I knew he was trying to help me get into the correct mood though. “In a few hours you’ll be nothing to him. He’ll go back to his girlfriend and you’ll be alone.”
I blinked away a couple tears. Gray was right. In the moment it was hard to remember this wasn’t real. I meant nothing to Jiho, this was just a job for him. Tonight he’d be laying in bed with Yuri and I’d be in bed alone, foolishly wishing I was with him. Honestly, it was ironic considering the message of the song. Being in love with someone who doesn’t want to truly be with you.
Jae Won called me over, I murmured a “thank you” to Gray before joining my boss and Jiho. I couldn’t meet his eyes right now. I felt like I really would burst into tears if I looked at Jiho.
Jae Won began to give us a scene to act out and I was thankful for it. I did not want to improv this scene.
“Okay Zico, you want to be with Lennon, but she’s still with someone else.” Gray joined us and squeezed my hand. “Perfect,” Jae Won looked at Gray, “for argument's sake, Lennon is with Gray, and Zico you want her to leave him. She keeps promising she will but never does. Zico, you'll start the scene sitting on the bed.” Jae Won moved him to his spot. “And Lennon, you’ll be on your phone, texting who we’ll assume is Gray.” My boss ushered me to my spot and handed me the phone.
None of the audio from the “fight” would be in the video. It didn’t matter what we fought about, just the imagery of us fighting would be included and Jiho’s song would be playing over the scene. We could just yell “bubble gum” over and over and it wouldn’t matter as long as we looked like we were fighting. Even though the audio wasn’t going to be used, I was more than happy to have an actual scene to act out. It would hopefully make this a little easier.
Gray was right, this was going to be tough. Jiho and I were going to have to fight about something that was real. I held the phone in my hand and tried to block out everything. I replayed Gray’s words in my head again. I let myself feel every single word, the realness of it all. I let my heart break, I encouraged it to.
I barely heard Jae Won shout action. Jiho’s track played in the background. I tuned it all out and focused on this scene.
I tapped my thumbs on the phone screen as if I were texting Gray. Within a moment the scene started.
“Who are you texting?” Jiho asked in a serious voice.
I looked at him as if I were caught, “No one.” I looked back at the phone and kept “texting.” I tried to think how I’d feel in this situation. If it really were me, torn between Jiho and Gray there would be a clear reason I hadn’t just chosen Jiho. I’d have always chosen him even over Gray. I just never had those types of feelings for Gray. I decided that was my story: Jiho never gave me a reason to “leave Gray” if he had I would have “left him” in a second to be with Jiho.
“You’re texting him aren’t you?” Jiho asked as he stood up.
I sighed as if I were tired of this conversation that we’d had probably fifty times. I looked at him, not saying anything.
“Aren’t you?” He asked again this time a little more forcefully. “What if I am? Why does it matter?” I tossed the phone to the night stand next to me.
“You said you’d leave him.” He spoke, he actually sounded hurt. “But you’ve said that how many times now? Do you actually plan on leaving him or are you just going to keep lying to me?” The anger in his voice was so intense and real.
I looked down, worried that I’d start crying. “Why should I leave him?” I asked quietly. I glanced up at him.
He huffed and looked around the room before back at me, “You’re kidding right?”
I shook my head, “Why should I leave him? Give me one reason I should leave him.” I questioned him.
He gestured to us and the room, “This! This should be enough of a reason to leave him!” He shouted.
“This? This what?” I matched his volume, “This is nothing. We hook up. We get dressed. You say bye and go back to work. You call me when you want to hook up again.” I paused, catching my breath. My chest felt heavy, “What is this?” I repeated his gesture.
“Apparently it’s nothing. Thanks for letting me know.” He said emotionlessly, spitting my own words back at me.
He turned and I reached for his hand. “What is it? I’m asking you. If you want me to leave him, tell me, give me a reason.”
He jerked his hand out of mine. I felt that familiar twinge in my chest, the twinge that warned me, I was about to start crying. I always felt like crying when I got frustrated or when someone raised their voice at me. I hated it.
“I thought I had!” His voice and expression were full of anger.
“How?” I asked, my voice urgent. I stepped closer to him, “Give me a reason, please, I’m begging you.”
“I thought I was the reason.” Jiho shouted and grabbed my hands, “I thought I was the reason.” He repeated himself quietly, his eyes searching mine.
I looked at him and could feel my eyes well up with tears. I gently blinked, anything more would force them to fall down my cheek.
“You want me to leave him just because you’re you?” I took a broken breath, “That’s your reasoning?” I waited for his response, but none came. “Not because you want to be with me? Not because you care about me? Not because you love me? None of that… I should just leave him because you’re you?”
He shook his head and pulled away, “I thought it was clear I wanted to be with you.” He replied with his back to me.
“Obviously not.” I blinked and a single tear rolled down my cheek.
He turned, “So that’s going to make you leave him? If I say I want to be with you?”
I shook my head, “No, but–.” He didn’t let me finish, he grabbed my shoulders, “Fine, Lennon, I want to be with you! Is that what you want me to say? I want to be with you. Are you happy?” He was yelling now and I couldn’t help but start to cry.
I pushed his hands off of me, “No, I’m not because I don’t believe you. You’re just saying it to say it.”
A flash of concern crossed Jiho’s face when he saw the tears rolling down my face. He stepped closer to me and put his hand on my arm, “Lennon…” his voice was quiet. He wasn’t acting.
I pushed him away as hard as I could, which wasn’t a lot, he was much bigger than me. “Stop!” I looked up at him, his angry face came back, “Give me a reason, a real reason.”
He groaned and turned away from me, running his fingers through his hair.
“Please, Jiho,” I stepped closer to him, “I will call him right now and break up with him. I’m begging you, Jiho, give me a real reason. Anything.”
In the blink of an eye he turned around, his hands slid across my cheeks and pulled me to him, his lips crashing into mine. He held me so gently, but firmly. His lips opened slightly to close around mine. He pulled inches away, looking down at me, “Because I’m falling for you.” His voice was only loud enough for me to hear.
“Cut!” Jae Won’s voice cut me like a knife.
Jiho’s hands dropped and he stepped aside.
“You two are incredible!” He walked over to us, his face lit up like a kid in a candy store.
I focused on a random piece of equipment behind him. I couldn’t look at anyone right now, and I was almost positive my voice would crack if I spoke to someone.
Thankfully the make up ladies rushed over to me to fix the make up I had ruined with my stupid crying. I put all of my focus into what they were doing. I was trying to distract myself from feeling like I was still on the verge of a breakdown. I felt the tissues tap on my cheeks, I listened intently to them asking me to look up or straight ahead. I felt the soft brushes and sponges cross my skin. The smell of the make-up they were using mixing with their own perfume. I focused on anything arbitrary that would take me out of the argument mindset
I took a deep breath and finally began to feel like I was in a safe zone and there was no risk of waterworks. I felt confident enough to replay the kiss in my head. I felt my heart flutter and I tried not to smile. It was almost perfect. The fact that it was all an act was the only part that made it not perfect. I tried not to think about that.
Jae Won kept talking, but it felt like Jiho and I were in a glass box and he was talking to us from outside. I could barely concentrate on what he was saying, my mind kept going back to the kiss.
“We’ll start where we just left off, because that was so perfect. Go all out, this is supposed to be heated, don’t go too far, but do what you two are comfortable with. Lennon,” my boss spoke directly to me, “don't hesitate to punch him if he’s doing too much. Both of you, communicate the whole time. If you’re uncomfortable, say something.” He made sure we were clear on that. Jiho and I nodded in agreement. For some reason, neither of us could talk.
“Great, go back to where you just were.” Jae Won pulled Jiho and I together and moved Jiho’s hands back to my cheeks. “You both are doing great.” He reassured us before walking off set.
Jiho and I looked at each other, there was barely any space between us.
“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.
I smiled slightly and nodded.
He tried to smile, but failed.
“Stop me if you get uncomfortable okay? That’s the last thing I want.” His voice was full of concern.
I smiled again and placed my arms around his waist pulling him closer, “Don’t hold back,” I repeated Gray’s words, “This is your video, do what you think feels right. I promise I won’t let you go too far.”
Another attempted smile.
“Zico, can you kiss her like you did so we can start a little before we cut last time.” Jae Won’s voice called out to us from somewhere beyond the lights.
Jiho looked down at me ignoring Jae Won’s instructions for a moment. “I never want to see you cry again.”
I wasn’t sure if he was acting again or not, but it took me off guard. Before I could make sense of it, he lowered his head and placed his lips on mine.
“Rolling.” Jae Won called again.
Jiho’s lips once again opened and closed on mine before he pulled away just like he had before. I smiled at him and slid my hands up his back. He kept looking at me trying to figure out where I was on the comfort level. He was being cautious. Selfishly that was the last thing I wanted, it definitely wasn’t what Jae Won wanted.
“Don’t hold back.” I reminded him.
He nodded. I smirked, “go get ‘em tiger.”
He finally laughed quietly. He gently kissed me again, his lips opening and closing so deliciously around mine. His hands slid down my arms, to my hips. He paused kissing me to quickly bend down and pick me up easily. I wrapped my legs around him and put my forehead on his and smiled at him.
He sat me on the bed and crawled on top of me. Like a predator hunting their prey, he had a hungry look in his eyes. He carefully laid down on top of me making sure to keep most of his weight off of me. His eyes never left mine. I slid my hands up his back and through his hair.
Jiho lowered his head and gave me multiple small sweet kisses on my cheek, forehead, and finally my lips.
“Is this okay so far?” It was a question only for me to hear. His thumb brushed across my cheek.
“Yes.” I answered confidently.
He returned his lips to mine, the hunger in his kisses coming in stronger than before. His hand slid down my neck, down my chest and to my leg. Every inch sent chills through my body. He grabbed my leg and pulled it up to his side. His lips never left mine once. His hand grabbed at my thigh.
I pulled at his shirt trying to pull him even closer to me, but he never budged. He was driving me crazy. Every touch, every movement, every time he closed his lips on mine. I let go of his shirt and instead slid my hand underneath it. His skin was hot to the touch, every movement made his muscles twist and flex.
He sat up and quickly pulled his shirt off, tossing it next to us on the bed.
I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander across his chest and down to his waist. My hand slid down his ribs to his hips. I hooked one of my fingers in his belt loops and smirked as I tugged on it. Jiho smiled and leaned back over me, his lips back on mine.
Our breathing was ragged as we kissed each other. Every time our lips touched it felt like I needed more of him. He was the drug and I was hooked. My hands moved up and down his back, his skin was so soft.
His hands grabbed at my shirt. He stealthily moved his lips to my cheek then my ear so he could ask, “Is everything okay so far?” He sounded out of breath.
So as to not ruin the scene, I quietly moaned my response to him. His hand on my shirt tightened. He pressed his lips back to mine.
“Freeze. Don’t move.” Jae Won shouted.
We were both taken off guard, but we froze, our lips still pressed together. He began to laugh quietly and I couldn’t keep it in either. It was such an awkward time to tell us not to move.
“Her shirt is stitched. Lennon if you’re okay with this, we’ll cut the stitches and continue.” Jae Won spoke from off set.
I nodded without looking at him. I was slightly annoyed that was why he stopped the scene. I was living out my dream and I needed my boss to not be in it.
Jiho looked down at me, “How much do you like this shirt?”
I shrugged and slid a few fingers under his waistband.
He smirked, “Action.” Jiho said loudly and went back to kissing me. I felt his hand grip the fabric of my shirt again. Without any hesitation or trouble he pulled the shirt up. A few stitch rips could be heard. He gripped another part of the shirt and pulled. My heart pounded as I felt him manhandle my stitched up shirt. It was a simple task, they were literally tiny single stitches, but it was incredibly hot feeling him rip my clothes off.
He moved and wrapped his arms around me pulling me up to straddle his lap. We looked at each other, I was sure my eyes gave away my true feelings for him and how much I desperately wanted him. The corner of his lips tugged into a confident smirk.
He ripped the final stitches in the back. He gave me a quick questioning look as if to ask if I was still okay with it. I gave him a small nod.
His hands slid under my shirt, his thumbs catching it and pulling it up over my head and throwing it from the bed. He immediately wrapped his arms around me pulling me to him, our shirtless bodies pressing against each other.
My hands cupped his face and I leaned forward kissing him as deeply as I could. He held me, letting one hand glide through my hair gently cradling my head. His lips moved down my jaw, my neck and finally to a sweet spot where my neck met my shoulder. I felt his teeth graze my skin before his mouth closed around the bite mark. My head fell back, I felt incredibly weak. Without thinking, his name left my lips in a breathless whisper. His hand on my back grabbed at my bare skin in response.
I had a sudden slap of reality after I said his name. This wasn’t real. We were on a set. This was fake. My entire mood changed.
I felt his lips move across my collar bone to the hollow of my throat. He kissed the top of my chest before moving back up my neck.
I desperately wanted to enjoy this, but I was in the real world again. He wasn’t mine to be enjoying.
“Cut!” My boss's voice saved me from furthering the experience. “Can we get these two robes?”
I began to move off of Jiho, but his arms tightened around me, “Don’t move. I don't want you to be exposed.”
I tried to smile, but I wasn’t sure if it was convincing. It really was sweet of him to want to protect my modesty. I had just realized he hadn’t let me be completely topless on screen for more than a few seconds when my shirt came off. The rest of the time my chest was pressed against his. He kept me pressed against him as he leaned over grabbing his shirt. He held it up for me. I quickly grabbed it and wrapped it around my front, putting a barrier between our bodies before moving off of him.
I smiled again and thanked him. I felt like I couldn’t look at him now. The hurt was already setting in. He’d done nothing wrong, but my own feelings for him were causing a lot of issues for me.
“Are you two good?” Jae Won asked, kneeling down in front of us. For some reason they both waited for me to answer first. I eased my face and nodded. I wasn’t sure if I looked like something was wrong.
The team came over with the robes. One of the women held the robe up for me and I happily wrapped myself up in it as Jae Won spoke to Jiho about what they were doing next. I handed the woman Jiho’s shirt and thanked her for helping me.
I fumbled with my fingers as I walked off set. There were so many thoughts running through my head. So many emotions ripping through my heart. I didn’t know where to start with processing it all. I still wasn’t even done with the music video, just the big scenes.
“Hey.” Jae Won walked beside me. He handed me my shirt. It was slightly awkward having my boss hand me my shirt.
“Thanks.” I held it and turned to face him.
“You’re okay right?” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Your boundaries were respected?”
I smiled, “Yeah, of course.” It wasn’t difficult to answer the second question. My boundaries were absolutely respected and everything was very much consensual. It was that first question I wasn’t able to answer so easily. I wasn’t sure if I was okay.
He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. “I know this is a lot. It’s your first video, and it’s intense. You’re doing an incredible job.” He actually sounded genuinely pleased and proud. “We have a few smaller scenes to shoot. Just B roll, there's no crazy acting involved. Get dressed and I’ll come get you when we’re ready.”
“Thanks Jae Won.”
He patted my shoulder and walked back to direct Jiho in his next solo scenes.
I took a breath and looked up. Gray was standing ahead of me, a knowing look on his face. I didn’t have to hide my real emotions with him, so I didn't even try to put on a happy face. I kept my eyes on his as I walked to him. I felt a single tear fall as I got to him and wrapped my arms around his neck letting myself sink into him.
“Oh, babe.” he squeezed me tightly.
“A lot of alcohol tonight please.” I spoke softly. I felt like any louder and I’d burst into tears again.
He squeezed me again and walked me to the dressing room. “I will make sure you always have a drink.” He offered a sympathetic smile.
I walked into the dressing room and let the team fix my make-up and hair. One of the older women on the team was annoyed that Jiho had ripped my shirt. She kept chastising us and was very upfront about her disapproval. I didn’t say anything to her, I just let her talk. I was almost positive they thought I didn’t speak any Korean. I had enough on my mind to worry about and didn’t have time to be concerned about what this ahjumma thought of me or my shirt. It felt so difficult to breathe, I’d try to take a deep breath and nothing would happen. I couldn’t get the way he felt or the way he smelled out of my head. His actions kept replaying over and over in my head. I didn’t want to wake up from what had felt like a dream, but now it was turning into a nightmare that I desperately wanted to wake up from.
I walked out of the dressing room and joined Gray on the couch. He put his arm around my shoulders as I sat down. I let my head rest on his shoulder and put my legs on top of his.
He took a breath, “I know this might not help, but you did a really good job today. Everything was believable and that’s what you were hired to do.” His fingers massaged my head. “I hope that eventually you’ll be able to look back and be proud of how well you performed today. It’s not easy.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to look back and feel anything other than heartbreak.
“How long will this suck for?” I asked him numbly.
“In my experience, I was messed up for a week or two, but I had to do more work with that person so I was around them more. You and Zico don’t work together, so hopefully after tonight you’ll be good.”
I wasn’t sure if I believed him. There was no way I’d be okay after one night out. I genuinely hoped I wouldn’t have to see him again any time soon. He and Jae Won were only collaborating on this music video. They didn’t really work together, so at least that was a bright side. It lessened the chance that I’d have to be around him again. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t get stuck on him for long.” Gray squeezed me.
I sat up lifting my head off his shoulder. “Thanks.” I felt so ridiculous for being so caught up and emotional about all of this. I kept going back and forth with myself being angry at myself for letting go that much, for “not holding back” that’s why I was hurting now. Then I’d get mad at myself for not being more understanding of my own feelings. I wasn’t an actress. This wasn’t my thing. I was pushed into it and I was doing the best I could, considering.
“With that said, you might not want to look at your neck for a while.” He sounded hesitant.
“Why?” It was such an odd statement to make.
His fingers grazed an area where my shoulder met my neck. It was the same spot Jiho had been kissing. “He left something to remember him by.” He grabbed his phone and snapped a quick picture to show me.
Under make up was a dark spot. I hadn’t even noticed the make up team putting product on my neck. I was more zoned out than I thought. I knew after a shower the make up would be gone and there would be a purple bruise from Jiho’s kissing. It was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want to be reminded of today, but now I would be every time I looked in the mirror for the next few days.
“And you two expect me to not think you’re dating?” Jae Won pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up at him, he was smirking.
“Who knows, maybe we are at this point.” I moved my legs off Gray and faced my boss.
“How do you think she did Gray?” Jae Won asked my friend.
Gray’s hand rubbed my shoulder, “She was incredible. Like always.” I looked at him and thanked him. It was a genuine compliment and I was suddenly overwhelmed with how happy I was that he was my friend. I knew no matter how I felt or what I went through he’d be there for me and would take care of me.
Jae Won smiled again, “You two are definitely dating.”
I shook my head and looked at Gray, “We’re not.” I wasn’t sure why I even tried. I should just let him believe whatever he wanted. Gray smirked, his hand moving to comb through my hair.
“He already knows.” Gray responded, still looking at me, “How lucky am I?” He smiled.
“Gray…” I knew he was just joking, we always joked around like this, but I just wasn’t in the mood to pretend to be dating my best friend.
I looked up at my boss and saw Jiho standing next to him. My heart flipped when I saw him standing there. The expression on his face was hard to discern. He looked tired, annoyed, upset, and somehow, emotionless all at once.
“Love birds, I'll need to break you two up. We’re about to do the B roll shots with you Lennon.” Jae Won spoke to us.
I nodded as both he and Jiho walked away.
“Why’d you do that? Now he really does think we’re dating.”
Gray laughed, “I said it because Zico walked up.”
I looked at him unimpressed with his answer, “Okay and? Gray, he has a girlfriend.”
“You’ve mentioned that.” He stood up and held out his hand for me to take. I did and he pulled me up. “Will you trust me for once when it comes to the male brain?” He put his arms loosely around me.
“When you make sense, then I’ll trust you.”
He laughed, “That will never happen then. Trust me, Lennon. I'm a guy, I know how we think.” We began walking over to the set slowly so that Gray could tell me his conspiracy theory. “I’m protective of you, I don’t want him to think you’re going to be an easy catch for him. Yes I know he has a girlfriend.” He held up his hand before I could say “yeah but he has a girlfriend.” “That last scene you did with him is going to be on his mind for the next few days, whether or not you believe me.” We reached the set so I couldn’t give a counter argument. I didn’t agree with Gray. Jiho stood up for his girlfriend even when she was in the wrong, I assumed that meant he loved her. There was no way I’d be on his mind. Even if I was, he had his girlfriend, he could release any pent up energy with her. She was his type, I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be on his mind.
Gray turned me to face him, “Just trust me okay?” He smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead before he gently pushed me towards the set. The kiss was another act from him. Jiho was standing on the set waiting for me. Gray only kissed my forehead because Jiho was watching.
Why was it every time a man showed me any type of affection it was fake. It was an act for one reason or another.
The next couple of hours went as I had expected them to. They were just random scenes of Jiho rapping and I was just an extra in the scene. That didn’t mean it was easy. There were parts where he got extremely close to me and I could feel my heart continue to break.
This incredible man was everything I'd wanted and more, I had him in my arms, he was mine for a split second in a fake alternate universe. The truth was I’d never have him. He’d never actually be mine.
… Gray grabbed my hands excitedly. His energy did not match mine. I was emotionally drained. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a month. Maybe then I’d get over my stupid heart break without actually having to feel a thing.
“Let’s go!” I couldn't tell which part of us going out he was actually excited about. I cancelled on him last night after constantly refusing to go out with him. Maybe he was excited about that, or was he excited about me getting absolutely plastered, something that also doesn’t happen often if ever.
“Are you two going out?” Jae Won asked then continued before one of us could answer. “That’s a great idea. Let’s all go out to celebrate these two!” My boss patted Jiho and me on the back.
… Gray and I showed up to the club we all agreed on. Jae Won had called ahead and got us a VIP booth upstairs since they were idols. We walked over to the “exclusives” bar and Gray ordered four shots.
“Pregame before he gets here.” He handed me two shot glasses. I quickly choked one down with Gray and moved on to my second one. It was awful and tasted the way nail polish smelled. I hated the taste of it, but it was what I asked for.
“You might want this one too.” He held out the shot glass to me.
“Why?” I asked after ordering a drink from the bartender. Gray nodded over to our booth. I saw Jiho sliding into the booth with Yuri, his girlfriend. I sighed and grabbed his shot and quickly downed it.
Ignoring my feelings for Jiho, I didn’t want to be around Yuri. Just the one experience I had with her was awful. I didn’t want to have any more experiences with her. Especially after today.
Gray and I walked over to the round booth, I was about to slide in when Jae Won asked to speak with me. We stepped to the side away from the others.
“Is everything okay?” I asked him.
He nodded and leaned against the railing. “I just wanted to congratulate you on your first music video. I’m really proud of you. I know you didn’t want to do it, but you did an amazing job and were so professional about it. I hope you’re proud of yourself as well.”
I smiled and looked at the floor. I wasn’t sure if I was proud of myself or if I was just numb.
“You should think about doing more acting, whether it's music videos or tv. I’m happy to get you connected with a manager if you’re interested.”
I answered him honestly, “Thank you. That’s really kind of you to say and offer, but I dont think I'm cut out for the acting business. I’m much happier being your PA if that's okay?”
Jae Won smiled, “Of course. I’m happy to keep you as my assistant for as long as you’ll stay.” He patted my shoulder, “You guys enjoy the night. The bar has my card on file, order whatever you want.”
“You’re not staying?” He was the reason we all were here. It was just supposed to be Gray and me, but because of Jae Won saying we should all go celebrate, I got to be around Jiho and his girlfriend.
He shook his head, “Nah. I figured I’d leave the partying to the kids.”
“Jae Won, you’re only like 4 years older than me.” I laughed.
“You don’t need your boss hanging around you as you celebrate. Have fun tonight. I’ll see you on Monday.” He turned and walked away. I was happy he decided not to stay. I didn’t really want to get drunk around my boss. He just told me how professional I’d been today, me getting absolutely sloshed wouldn’t be “professional.”
“Everything okay?” Gray asked as he slid out of the booth. I smiled and nodded. “He was just praising me for my performance today and said he was paying for tonight so order whatever we want.”
Gray’s eyes widened, as did his smile.
I shook my head, “Not you. One of us has to be sober.”
He pouted but agreed. “Hey wait,” he grabbed my arm before I got to the booth. “Call me “oppa.””
I looked at him, not even entertaining the idea, “No.”
“Lennon, do it. I am your oppa after all.” His voice was firm. There had to be an underlying reason he wanted me to call him “oppa.” He’d never asked me to before.
I leaned in, “I’m not calling you “oppa” until you tell me why you suddenly want me to.”
He glanced past me to the booth then back to me, “Because she’s insane.” I tried to hide my smirk. “She’s, unfortunately, a fan of mine and will not leave me alone.”
“Gray, that’s what fans do.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and bent down so we were eye to eye, “No, you don’t get it. She’s a lot.”
“And what does this have to do with me calling you “oppa?””
He stood up, “I’m hoping if she thinks we’re dating she’ll leave me alone.”
“I doubt it.” I sighed. I didn’t want to call him “oppa.” It was weird for me. Non Korean fans had kind of ruined “oppa” for me. It’s supposed to be used as a title for a guy older than you, like “big brother,” but international fans had taken it too far and now used it as a cutesy “pet name” for guys that aren’t even older than them. And that was how Gray was wanting me to use it. I didn’t want to pretend to date him. I just wanted to be his friend. I wanted him to be my friend. If he asked me to call him “oppa,” out of respect I would have in a heartbeat, but the entire time I’ve known him he’s never asked me to call him anything other than “Gray.” He’s never even told me his real name. I knew his real name because his mom said it all of the time, but that was how much he didn’t care. He has always been “Gray” to me.
“Just do it.” He whispered firmly as we slid into the booth.
Jiho had his arm around Yuri who was on her phone taking selfies and then showing them to him. When they saw us slide in, both of their demeanors changed. They acted like we were the guests of honour. They both sat up and looked at us intently.
“They brought your drink.” Gray slid the drink I’d ordered earlier to me and put his arm around my shoulders.
I immediately began sipping on it. I didn’t like feeling eyes on me. I also had a lot of drinks to go through if I wanted to forget about today.
“You look familiar.” Yuri said to me. I turned to look at her, I almost laughed, “Do I?”
She nodded, inspecting me as if that would tell her who I was. “I’m good at remembering people, but I don’t usually hang out with foreigners, so maybe that’s why I can't remember you. You guys all look the same.”
I almost spit my drink out. I didn’t like her, but that was actually pretty funny.
“So why are you here?” She asked, tossing her long unnatural red hair behind her shoulder. “Did you help with the music video?”
I looked at Jiho, he once again looked like he didn’t want to be here. He hadn’t told her that I was in the music video with him. Considering what happened in the video, I wouldn’t have wanted to tell my significant other either.
I looked back at Yuri, “Yeah something like that. I’m actually Jae Won’s personal assistant.” I took another long sip of my drink.
She twirled a strand of hair around her finger, “Oh so you like, got people coffees and stuff?”
So now I was lying about who I was dating, my feelings about people, and now my job. I wasn’t going to be able to keep track of all of these lies soon.
“Yuri.” Jiho spoke to her quietly and touched her shoulder to get her attention. She turned to look at him, “What? I’m just asking.” She shrugged off his hand and looked back at me, “Does it make it difficult to do if you don’t speak Korean?”
I looked at her, she had some nerve. “I speak Korean.”
“Oh.” She looked down at her nails, “I just thought since we were speaking English, you couldn’t speak Korean.” She looked back at me, “Is it difficult for you?”
I felt Gray’s grip on my shoulder tighten as if he could read my mind. I wanted to pounce on her.
“Yuri.” Jiho’s voice was firmer this time. “I’ve heard her speak Korean, she speaks it just fine. Drop it.”
She shrugged, “Zico, I’m just asking.” I felt my face look confused before I could stop it. Did she really just call him “Zico?” I figured she’d at least call him by his real name.
Gray leaned in and whispered, “I told you. Insane.”
I smirked and looked at him, he was closer than I’d expected, “I need more alcohol to deal with her.”
Gray laughed, “You’ll either be so drunk you won’t care what she says or you’ll be so drunk you’ll want to fight her. I’m not sure which will happen and that makes me nervous.”
“Only one way to find out.” I smiled and slid my empty drink to him.
I felt my phone vibrate in my lap as Yuri started talking to Gray as if I weren’t there. I looked down, it was a text from Jiho
What was that look for?
He saw the face I made when Yuri called him Zico. I didn’t respond. I didn’t see the point in responding. It didn’t matter and I didn’t want to offend him or his girlfriend, even though she had been less than delightful already.
“Who wants to do shots?” Gray spoke suddenly.
“I’m in.” Jiho leaned forward resting his elbows on the table.
“Not me.” Yuri sat back and crossed her legs. I just realized what she was wearing and it further solidified my earlier thoughts that I was definitely not Jiho’s type. She had on a short pastel pink skirt with matching heels and some type of furry white sweater. She was beautiful, I’ll give her that. She looked like a model and she may very well have been a model, I didn’t keep up with fashion or models. It changed too much, I liked consistency. “Shots aren’t classy.” She continued as she held her phone up again to take another selfie.
I smirked and looked at Gray, “I’ve decided to not be classy tonight.” He smiled and went to the bar. Thankfully he wasn’t gone for long, but at the same time it felt like forever. Yuri kept taking selfies and I wouldn’t or couldn’t even look at Jiho. I hadn’t planned my “getting over him” night to include being around him.
Gray came back, a waitress following behind him with a tray of glasses. She sat down four shots and a refill of my drink. I grabbed it and kept the alcohol flowing through my veins. Gray slid two shots to Jiho and two to me. Jiho and I drank the shots quickly.
My head began to feel light, just what I wanted. I smiled to myself and leaned my head on Gray’s shoulder. He looked at me, “Do you feel like you’re floating?” I nodded, still smiling. One of the first times he and I drank together, “floating” was the only way drunk me was able to describe how I felt. Since then that’s how we asked each other if we were drunk.
“I’m going to take one for the team.”
I sat up and looked at him. “What do you mean?”
He shifted to face me, “I’m going to ask her to dance, you talk to him.”
“No, don’t do that.” I quickly begged.
“You’re drunk, anything you say or do you can just blame on being drunk.” He shrugged making it sound oh so simple.
“Anything I do? What do you think is going to happen?” Even drunk I still knew Jiho was off limits.
“I don’t know. I’m just saying, even if you just talk to him, flirting is harmless and you can blame the booze. Both of you have been drinking so he probably wouldn’t even remember if you did say something.” He picked up my drink and handed it to me, “Here, chug this. Liquid courage.” he held the straw to my lips. I took a moment, but decided to do what he said. Even if I didn’t say a word to Jiho, the whole point of going out tonight was to drink, a lot.
“Weren’t you saying how you didn’t want him to take advantage of me?” I asked him quietly. I was pulling at anything that would keep him here and not leave me alone with Jiho
“He won’t have a chance to during one song. Besides, I’m going to make sure he remembers who you’re here with.” He smirked. He was doing too much of this “fake dating” nonsense. Everything was fake today and I hated it. It was tiring. “Hey Zico, you mind if I dance with Yuri, if it’s okay with her too? Just for this song, it won’t be long.”
“Oh my god, yes!” Yuri said excitedly and finally looked away from her phone.
“Sure.” Jiho answered nonchalantly and slid out of the booth to let Yuri out. Gray slid out then leaned in to me, “I’ll be back in a minute.” His thumb brushed across my bottom lip then slid up my cheek to the back of my neck, he pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead. The kiss was something he did often, it was always in a brotherly way, but he was doing it during this charade, it made me cringe. “Zico, watch my girl for me.” He smiled at me before walking away with Yuri.
I took a final drink of my drink and spun the glass around in a circle on the table. Jiho, without hesitation, slid into the booth next to me. My body went rigid. I hadn’t expected him to sit next to me. I thought he’d just go back to where he was sitting.
He was quiet for a moment then spoke. “Thank you for today.” he looked down at me, “for doing the music video, I mean. I know you didn’t want to.” He smiled sweetly.
I nodded, “No problem.” I wished I had another drink, somehow sipping a drink made me feel less nervous in awkward silences.
“You never answered my text.” I almost forgot he even sent a text. “Why’d you make a face?” He smirked.
I didn’t want to start any drama or offend him or his girlfriend, but I couldn't get out of this one. “I was just surprised to hear her call you “Zico.” I figured she’d call you by your real name.”
Jiho laughed quietly, “Lennon you’re the only person that calls me “Jiho,” other than my family of course.”
“Oh…” Hearing that made me feel embarrassed for some reason. It felt like I shouldn’t call him “Jiho.” It felt like it was only something his family called him. I’d already tried to make an effort to call him “Zico,” but now I really would have to work on it. Otherwise I’d feel like I was inserting myself as someone special in his life
“Sorry about Yuri’s questions by the way. Sometimes I don't think she has a filter.” He was apologizing for her again. I still hated it.
“Don’t apologize for her.” As it came out I wished it didn’t. My voice was a little harsh, I didn’t want to upset him.
He laughed, “I’ll try to not do it again. I just didn’t want you to be upset.”
I shrugged, “I don’t think her opinion of me would upset me.” A tiny tiny voice in the back of my head was screaming “shut up, Lennon!” The alcohol voice was louder though. It had me say things I’d wanted to say but felt I couldn’t.
Jiho laughed slightly at my comment.
He didn’t say anything after that. We sat in silence for what felt like 20 minutes, when it probably was only 60 seconds.
“We’re okay right?” He asked cautiously.
I looked at him, brows furrowed. Why would he think we’re not okay? Other than his rude girlfriend of course. “What do you mean?” I asked.
He shrugged, “Filming was pretty intense. Sometimes scenes like the argument one can bleed over into real life and people hold onto those feelings they had in the scene and just stay mad at the other person.”
“Oh.” He had no idea how my feelings from the shoot were bleeding over into my life. Being next to him now was almost torture. I wanted to slide my hand into his. It was a simple pleasure, but honestly it was all I wanted. I wanted to feel that safe, secure feeling I’d felt today. Every time he held me I felt like nothing bad could happen. Like he’d take care of everything. “Yeah. We’re good.” I feigned a smile
“Good.” He leaned his head back against the wall of the booth and closed his eyes.
I couldn’t help but look at him. He was so handsome. The sharpness of his jaw looked even more so in this lighting. The way his neck muscles flexed with every small movement was so enticing it was almost impossible to not touch him. His eyes fluttered open. He looked at the ceiling for a moment then caught me staring at him.
“You look exhausted.” I hoped it would distract him from asking why I was staring at him so intently.
He nodded slowly, “I am. Work is crazy right now. I don’t know when I last slept soundly.”
“Can you take a break?” I asked genuinely concerned.
“As a producer and artist?” He shook his head, “I’m always at the studio or writing. Work never ends.” He genuinely sounded upset. Not because he hated his career, but just because it made him so tired and took up so much of his time. I think he did enjoy his job and how busy it kept him, but I also think that sometimes he took on too much work.
“You need to rest or get away even just for the weekend.” I offered a solution I knew he wouldn’t take. “Maybe you and Yuri can go to Jejudo or something.” I tried to sweeten the pot by suggesting he and his girlfriend go to the beach.
He looked down at me, once again searching my eyes for something. I had no idea what he was looking for or why he looked at me that way. It made me feel vulnerable, but also wanted. Something in that look gave me a sense of longing. I wanted him to always look at me that way, even if it did put me on edge slightly.
“I wish I could. Yuri doesn’t like the beach. There's too much sand.” He said finally and looked over to where Gray and Yuri were dancing. I followed his gaze. Gray looked like he was not having a good time.Yuri was living it up and kept trying to put her arms around him. Which he kept peeling off of himself. “I just realized I didn’t ask if you wanted to dance.”
I laughed, “No. I think at this point you’d have to hold me up if I tried to dance.”
He looked at me so seriously, a slight smirk on his face, “I don’t mind. It wouldn’t be the first time today I’ve held you.”
Immediately him holding me against his bare chest popped in my head. I knew he didn’t mean it that way. He was just being playful, but my brain decided to torture me. My chest tightened, my warning sign I’d cry if I kept thinking about it. I shook my head as if to shake away that memory. I tried to smile, but it didn’t work. “I’m good.”
He nodded and leaned his head against the booth again.
I looked at Gray, thankfully he looked over a few seconds later. Our eyes met and he immediately began walking over to us. He didn’t say a word to Yuri, he just left her on the dance floor.
“Thanks man.” Gray said to Jiho as he got to the table, “Hey babe.” He kept his eyes on mine, looking for the reason as to why I looked as sad as I did. Yuri came running over, squealing about how her friends were going to be so jealous. She kept going but I tuned her out. Her whiny voice was like nails on a chalkboard.
Gray looked at Yuri for a moment trying to figure out what she was saying.
I gave in to his earlier request, partly to get Yuri to stop squealing and partly to stupidly “get back” at Jiho for unintentionally making me think about today’s bedroom scene. It wasn’t his fault and logically I knew that. Me and my feelings weren’t even on his radar, but not being on his radar didn’t mean I couldn't get hurt.
“Oppa.” All three of them looked at me, but I only looked at my friend. Gray smiled as if he’d just won a bet. It softened my heart just enough that I smiled for just a moment, “Can we go home?”
