40. Maja Keuc - “No one”
Slovenia 2011
Psychedelic, secretly evil masterpieces <3
“No one” is often overlooked in many rankings, by people with utterly vanilla tastes, and while vanilla is an excellent flavour, sometimes vanilla needs to bloom into something better with more flavour and texture. ENTER, this sneakily fierce song, featuring Bettan’s hip-waving choreo <3
"No one” slowly but gradually lulls you into its dark, alluring storyline, tricking you into believing this is a break-up song in which the woman is crying over the loss of the relationship, ONLY PLOT TWIST the girl is a textbook psychopath and this message of empowerment is actually one of psychotic obsession and petty revenge. Is this Gone Girl?
That’s in a nutshell, why “No one” is such a fantastic entry. It gradually, slowly unfolds like a paper fortune teller, except every flap contains a message of unfiltered, devious, psychotic energy. 😍 It’s so unabashedly dark and I cannot wait for ~Amaya~ to epically return to ESC (within the next three years) and give Slovenia their first top 10 since Nuša Derenda.
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39. Elina Nechayeva “La forza”
Estonia 2018
Wow. I mean, WHAT IS LA FORZA though if not a magnificent wonderland of stunning visual effect. It’s the best example of Estonia’s technological prowess at Eurovision. I mean, look at these projections. They are breath-taking, in the literal sense of the word:
Naturally, I must address that “La Forza” has received the criticism of “ugh, it’s boring”. However most of those people like Tamtaratam, so their opinions can be safely discarded into the rubbish bin. 🤭 I personally think “La forza” is a perfect execution of opera, providing captivating vocals and a sincerely stunning act. Opera is supposed to be a mind-blowing spectacle and “La forza” is exactly that.
However, it might actually be... a bit too perfect for my tastes. Its greatest strengths also made “La forza” a bit aloof and distant, and while this is far from a dealbreaker, it does prevent me from ranking it further.
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38. Loreen - “Euphoria”
Sweden 2012
[this entry was inspired by a popular youtube cooking channel]
Yes, this is not a ranking with Loreen as their #1. This could have been a ranking with Loreen as their #1 if she had gone to Eurovision with either of her other two melfest entries, but look at the flag and look at Sweden’s general taste in melfest winner:
It’s even a wonder a selection which produced THOSE winners also produced "Euphoria” to begin with.
Anyway, now that we’re on to the subject of Sweden, it appears that over the years, the general of opinion of Sweden has dropped. This is because out of all the countries participating in Eurovision, Sweden is by far the most smug.
Which is why the first step in covering the song that is generally considered their best entry, is to humble Sweden:
Hey Sweden, See this country? It’s called Switzerland. Switzerland once won the Eurovision Song Contest with Céline Dion. Céline Dion is one of the best selling artists in the world. She made double the sales ABBA made and has non-stop performed, while ABBA broke up less than 10 years after they won. You’re not better at iconic winners than Switzerland, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It’s called Moldova. It is the poorest country in the Euroverse and has amazing staging everbody talks about. Nobody ever talks about your staging because it just conveniently pretty people in various degrees of treadmill. You don’t stage better than Moldova, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It is called Malta. Malta have sent a woman to Eurovision for five years straight. They are one of the most unapologetically pro-female countries in the world. Even all of their JESC entries except for two have been women. Meanwhile you aren’t sending women and you know why? Because melfest is a rigged and fangirl pandering sausagefest. You’re worse at inclusion than Malta, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It’s called Ukraine. Ukraine have reached the grand final every year they’ve participated. Have you got a better track record? No, because you cannot guarantee qualification without properly without eating crusty professional jury ass first. You’re not better at reaching a Eurovision Grand Final than Ukraine, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It’s called Portugal. Portugal are the one of the few countries to have never sent songs with English as the primary language to Eurovision. They have proudly stuck with their native language even though it sounds like drunk Spanish. You know why you aren’t signing in your native language, Sweden? because you have no guts and let’s face it, no glory, that’s fucking why. Also your language sounds like Norwegian with a mouthfull of surströmming. You’re not better at native languages than Portugal, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It’s called Luxembourg. Luxembourg is a microstate that everyone wants to see back in the contest. Does anyone get excited when you return to the contest? No because they know you’ll get an underserved top five hand-fed to you, no matter what generic gobshite you’re sending. You’re worse at generating buzz than Luxembourg, Sweden. Remember that.
See this country? It’s called Norway. Norway’s last three entries have scored more televote points than yours have. You know why? Because their entries speak to people and are entertainment. Your entries only speak to people with boring taste and no friends (Denmark). Which is why you will never find or be repped by a KEiiNO. You’re not better at fun than Norway, Sweden, remember that.
See this country? it’s called Ireland. They.... okay, they aren’t better than you. I’ll be honest, Ireland is just a worthless, flavourless slice of slock in Eurovision. They’re flavourless, bland, completely without taste or texture. They’re the iceberg lettuce of this world. It’s a shock they won so many times, but I guess that’s anglophone privilege for you. Still, they have won Eurovision 7 times. Have you won Eurovision seven times, Sweden? Nuh uh, not that, peace! Remember that ;)
Now that Sweden has been properly humbled, it is time move on to the Loreen write up:
“Euphoria” is an everlasting piece of art and everyone who thinks otherwise needs a therapist.
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37. Bojana Stamenov - “Beauty never lies”
Serbia 2015
FINALLY I CAN SAY, THIS SONG IS FANTASTIC AND IT’S... fucking more than “okay”. Bojana is a FORCE OF NATURE.
It is therefore UTTERLY baffling to me that so many jurors ranked this song LAST??? Like,
a of all, look at how the crowd POPS at the key change, that’s as much an objective parametre of quality if ever there was.
B of all, I legit do not understand watching 2015 (a rather mediocre year of Eurovision) and thinking that Serbia is the worst, over, say... Bogus?? Because Bojana is a Goddess while Boggie is boring cunt and Goddesses > Boring cunts.
The jural dislike is even more baffling considering that “Beauty never lies” is a touching and deep exploration of overcoming self-loathing, I rant about meaningitis a lot, but one of the BEST ideas Serbia had was to revamp “Ceo svet je moi” into a body-positivity anthem because that theme + Bojana is a match made in Euroheaven. “Beauty never lies” starts off captivating, a gripping narrative about self-loathing with hints of avant garde artistry. It also has some of the best lyrics found in any Eurovision song. “Finally I can say-” is forever, but “beneath this veil of skin my heart’s entangled in, beauty’s embodied” is pure poetry. Excellent, just excellent.
and then, after a full minute of build-up and completely without warning "Beauty never lies” transforms into... a SHAMELESS CAMPY SCHLAGER MASTERPIECE 😍
This has to be one of the best key changes in Eurovision, right? As “Beauty never lies” starts off sentimental and contemplentative, it suddenly blossoms into an unapolegetic bop that completely DIS-MAN-TLES body-shaming in one fell swoop. Songs like these make me feel ALIVE and proud of being Eurovision fanboy. Thank you for your wise lesson Bojana, you stunner you. Signed with sincerity, BorisBubbles.
This will come as no surprise but she was also the highest Serbian entry on this list, which means it’s also recap time:
Statistics never lie, Serbia was pretty good in this decade. I rarely care for their entries with the intensity that I did for Bojana, but they are also consistently inoffensive. It it what you can expect for a small country bursting with musical talent (and Zheljko Joksimovic).
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36. Giorgos Alkaios & Friends - “OPA!”
Greece 2010
I cannot let anyone with that haircut reach my top 35 in good conscience ,but jesus what a FIRECRACKER! I think the general apathy towards 2010 comes from the general lack of ENERGETIC bangers, but between “OPA!” (caps and exclamation point are mandatory) and “Allez Ola Olé”, I don’t think anyone can complain. This song is an EXPLOSION.
Much like how “Dancing in the rain” was a showcase of Spain’s greatest talent, so is “OPA!” an excellent calling card for Greece’s Eurovision prowess: they excel at drunken party anthems. “OPA!” is a bangin’ bacchanal, punctuating every sentence with kickass virile energy, examples of which include ejaculating drums:
and hammy nokia noises <3 (attempted pandering to the hosts and getting the country wrong <3333333)
This song and “Alcohol is free” were the final times where Greece excelled at high voltage fun (there’s also “Rise up” I guess but lol @ that). GET IT TOGETHER GREECE, but I guess I’ll elaborate further once it’s Koza Mostra’s turn to be judged, juried and executed.
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