Autistic musings + introspection following work (which for me comes under category of "social") event:
Idk if anyone gonna read all or even any of this as it, naturally, turned into a ramble, but I feel compelled to discuss some recent lived experience incurred involving the intricacies of navigating employment as an autistic individual. Apologies for I am still in recover/burnout from yesterday and struggle to reign in the viscosity of my verbosity. (Also having fun with words)
So i went to the 4 hour voli work thing yesterday (Sunday), and...
as an autistic heavily prone to some extreme introspection following social events, along with analyzing of how people have reacted to my failing to suppress autistic traits on that particular day due to waking up too early to function (4.30am)...
I've some notes, some things that have occurred to me as autistic things™:
Any other autistics feel as if they are "misbehaving" when they fail to comply with autistic-masking requirements (inability to keep up the facade at all times)?
And if so, following that; the urge to apologize profusely upon next encounter/confess(e.g. disclose disability) to anybody who attended the social event and experienced your "misbehaviour"?
Am not out as autistic there and I foolishly brought up my hypersensitivity to sound* when the alarm siren was discussed- and met what seemed to me like some derision/mocking from possibly everyone else in the room (luckily my sense of shame/fear of being cringe seems to have all but diminished as I've aged - so I was saved from turning bright red and wishing the floor would open up and swallow me)
BUT I felt I had no recourse as, if i had then suddenly came out as autistic as a defense against my issues being laughed off as trivial and ridiculous (something I have also gotten used to in my radical era of always trying to stand up for/explain myself), idek if that would have helped in a room where I was outnumbered by predominantly older (and potentially all neurotypical or allistic?) folks who potentially just think we are just "coddled" "woke" "snowflakes" and whatever else, rather than woefully neglected by the system as underdiagnosed/late-diagnosed/unofficially diagnosed/still-as-yet-not-officially-diagnosed (etc) autistic women/AFAB (or other folks who have been missed etc by the system)**
On the plus-side, people were pretty nice + easygoing - tho at one point I started realizing I was being the annoying student who kept raising their hand and lengthening the time we had to be there (my bad - was always like that in school too I guess), and I overshared one too many times- ffs rach get it together.
Was having trouble listening to people properly and taking in info as it was a bit of sensory overload just to be among lots of people at once in an enclosed space and trying to keep up masking fluidly for each different personality present in the room, whilst also managing to listen effectively. Even when I was listening I could not
Also the term "common sense" (one of my most-despised terms of all time) was unfortunately used a lot (possibly indirectly towards me as it followed quite soon after something I said to the group) and all I could think was "not everyone has common sense" lol (BUT then couldn't figure out how to word it without outing myself, without sounding like I was dunking on any disabled people (my plan was to cite something like "a large portion of disabled people" (obv with myself (and other autistics who relate to the experience of having been told disaparagingly, "it's just common sense" - or another fave of mine: "it's not rocket science") in mind as a frame of reference) don't have the same knowledge or awareness as those possessing the privilege of what is so often deemed "common sense",
At the start we were prompted to introduce ourselves and share something people may not know abt us. Which, any fellow autistics reading this may recognise, is a minefield/a trick question of sorts. What is an outside thought and what stays an inside thought? How much to share and not? In the end i just went with the safe bet about my experience studying at uni, and being an artist (which I apparently felt so compelled to add that I have a "slow output" - bc I was starting to feel like an impostor saying I'm an artist when I haven't completed an artwork in a looong time - but again, fall into the trap of not being able to cite being disabled as a barrier to moderate-to-high productive output/completing artworks when that is not disclosed)
Also I regret to inform that I may have been at least partially if not fully responsible for the ill health of at least one of the plants I was tasked with one week in the absence of the usual co-worker. But i think while I was generally annoying in stretching out (filibustering? Lol) the tasks at hand (among probably at least a handful of other social sins), people seemed to admire my honesty in owning up to possibly being the one at fault for that, saying perhaps I shouldn't be charged with the watering of plants in future 😅 to which they had already agreed to keep it purely assigned to the usual person.
I also seemed to get on with the other introvert in the room who also struggles with social gatherings
Anyways I kinda feel I have incurred another disability-related cost to pay out of pocket for (unpaid, volunteer) employment: noise cancelling ear muffs - as they say they might run fire drills and I just don't think my ears can handle that (unless I be poppin' my anxiety PRN)****
And now I'm not sure I feel comfortable disclosing in order to claim any accommodations. And I'd feel guilty doing so since it's volunteer and stuff and I believe in the cause and stuff and feel like I'd be putting them out. (Ahh autistic/disabled guilt is great like that, right??) but it's also SO painful not being "out" at one's place of employment- but there are so many risks in disclosing :( (the convo in one's head kinda goes back and forth, and up and down, and to and fro, round and round, etc etc, like that)
Being disabled is SO EXPENSIVE; between the constant struggle for punctuality a la time blindness (meaning resorting to Uber - even having to Afterpay that - when I miss the bus), all the many workplace accommodations (including sensory-friendly but somehow still workplace-appropriate clothing) you end up having to provide for yourself (due to outdated or lacking knowledge/awareness of autism) out of pocket, whilst subsisting on the scraps of what the ruling classes will allow (and not in any danger of rising anytime soon under the cruel coalition govt)
Btw thanks if you read any or all, it was actually effin CHAOTIC writing this. It was all kinda written out of order (perhaps it is evident when reading through the post chronologically 😅) And my bad if I left any typos etc in; I think I must put myself down for a nap now, in the interest of regulation of various types - as it is after midday and I have rambled on enough.
DISCLAIMER, I am not trying to implicate or paint anyone badly and presume anyone's actions, I speak from fears based on previous experience in employment at other places, along with the everflowing current of thoughts, hesitancies, and other worries an autistic person always has to fret over when trying to survive out in the wild (outside safe place/home), in this case especially and particularly in employment.
*Addendums↓
