A Letter to Family, I'm Leaving the LDS Church
Here is the letter sent by my friend to his family this morning regarding his decision to leave the LDS Church. If you are not LDS and are not familiar with the culture, it may be difficult to understand why doing such a thing is a big deal for most of us. Our lives and our very identity as human beings becomes very intwined with our membership in the church. Usually the people who disagree with me on this point have never been married in the Temple with children- usually, they are younger, single, and most often have not held higher level church callings- they haven't seen all there is to see on the inside. I think this is exacerbated because our church practices something called "milk before meat" which means your "enlightenment" is gradual. You are taught principals and concepts in a fashion known as "line upon line, precept upon precept." I've come to believe that this is because the church doesn't trust that they could be completely honest and transparent about their doctrine and the church's history in their proselytizing and church education programs, without losing traction in growth and retention of members. And they are probably right.
As a convert you learn things that make damn fine sense: family is the most important thing after God; the Atonement and the principal of repentance; service and compassion; and giving up worldly things here and now (coffee, tobacco, alcohol, all manner of activities) for a greater reward in the Eternities. It makes sense. That is the "milk."
The "meat" on the other hand...well, that's book of volumes upon volumes. Some of those meatier pieces of info are still unknown to the majority of full-tithe-paying, devoted, faithful members, even those who regularly attend the Temple; not because the information isn't out there, but because it isn't transparently shared or readily made available by the church itself-- members are strongly cautioned to never question their faith, their leaders, the doctrines and/or policies of the church, or to seek out or listen to information that does not come from the church itself.
I follow a Tumblr blog of a young, single Mormon woman. I often find the things she posts very funny, but sometimes I just find them sad. I know that her understanding of the church as a young convert is based on what she knows. See above. Often she uses gifs (which I love) to express herself. One that really struck me recently, was one with the caption "When a non-member goes on a completely inaccurate rant about the church" with a gif of Hannah from Girls. I immediately thought "hey girlie, maybe those "rants" aren't so inaccurate after all. You should at least consider you don't know all there is to know." But we are defensive of our faith, and our church, when we are true believers, devout in our faith, and for all intents and purposes, in it to win it-- "it" being eternal celestial glory.
I am a temple-endowed member, although no longer do I hold the magic key pass to the Temple (a valid recommend). I only point this out so that anyone who may read this understands the voice I speak with.
As a convert, joining the church can mean losing your family. My husband's very Catholic parents were deeply disturbed upon learning he would be leaving Catholicism for Mormonism. It was not a good time in our lives on that front. On the flip side, as a life-long, or long-term member of the LDS church, the decision to leave can mean losing your friends, your support network, your social structure, your income (yep, if you work for the church you gotta belong to the church and in right to work states, it's not unheard of for people to lose their jobs when word gets back to their Mormon employers that they've defected- or "apostacized" as it's referred to in the church), and yes, even your family. At the very least, you can expect having a relationship that is strained, uncomfortable, and constantly pricked with the barbs of criticism, accusations, guilt-trips, exclusion, and often down-right cruel and un-Christlike treatment and words from people who are supposed to love you and take you how you are. This letter is very indicitive of the nature of familial relationships within the church. If you left your church, would a letter to your family defending and explaining yourself be necessary? If you don't understand some of the terms, a quick Google search will enlighten you further. I have only redacted names and other identifying information. I have reprinted with permission of it's author. At some point, I may be writing and sending my own letter. Until then...
Please read this entire letter. I'm writing this letter to let you know where I'm at and to describe the circumstances that led me there. It is not my intention to anger or upset any of you but I'm afraid that is exactly what will happen. I've had conversations with some of you and I haven't been completely truthful. You had asked me about my calling, but I didn’t feel like it was a good time to go into the details. So, I tried to gloss over it or straight out lie and tell you that I was still in the bishopric of my ward. I am not. I have been released.
In the beginning of July, I asked my bishop to release me from my calling. I have not been to church since. I've had what might be best described as a crisis of faith. I had reached a point where I could not, in good conscience, say things like "I know the church is true" and "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet" because I no longer believe those things. My family and I no longer attend church. This has been a long time in coming. I can trace its beginnings back to December of 2009.
For me, it is important that you understand that I did not stop going to church because I have a desire to sin or because I've been offended (the two biggest reasons attributed to people leaving the church). I stopped going to church because I started truly trying to understand my religion.
Whenever something about what the LDS church teaches (or taught) didn't make sense to me, I would put it on the back burner (something my 9th grade seminary teacher taught me to do). I hoped that sometime in the future (or in the afterlife) I would understand. This is also referred to as a shelf. For a church that claims to have all the answers there is an awful lot of important things that, if they don't make sense, we are not supposed to worry about because after we die we will somehow understand. After years of putting things on my shelf, the weight became too much and the shelf came crashing down. This happened to me this past May.
[Wife Name Redacted] had some experiences in December of 2009 that caused her to start doubting the church. If you want to talk to her about them, she is willing to discuss it but it had nothing to do with me or our marriage. In fact, our marriage has become better, stronger and happier in the past little while. She had been struggled to make the things she understands intellectually mesh with what the church teaches. She had been reading the Doctrine and Covenants and it was causing her major strife.
She told me how she was feeling and that she no longer thought the church was true. I was really upset. This was one of the most confusing times in my life. I was angry. My first reaction was, "How could she do this to me?" and "Why would she do this to me?". My eternal salvation rested upon [Wife Name Redacted] and I working together on our journey to God. If she left the church that held eternal consequences for me.
After that, [Wife Name Redacted] decided to not talk about it with me. She kept her thoughts and things she was learning to herself. Other than a cynical comment about the church now and then she had decided not to make waves with me and go to church and be a good mormon wife.
The problem was compounded when [Infant Son Name Redacted] died a year later. She found no solace in what the church teaches about what would become of him and her relationship with him. Even among life-long, strong members of the church there are conflicting ideas and theories. She didn't go to church for probably a year after [Infant Son Name Redacted] died. She eventually got called to be the primary chorister and started going back to church, all the while her disbelief in the church grew.
When she was called as the Relief Society president, she told the bishop her concerns. He told her he still felt she needed to be the Relief Society president. She accepted the call. She told herself that if she put everything she had into the calling and worked really hard, God would answer her prayers and her doubts would leave. Instead, her doubts increased as she came to see how the church was run. The bishop released her and at that point she was done.
After [Wife Name Redacted] had awhile to process what she had learned she was able to talk to me about how she felt about the church and I was in a better position to listen. I decided I needed to develop a deeper understanding of the origins and history of the church so I could help her come back and prove to her she was wrong. I was determined to only read things that were put out or sanctioned by the church. At first, I tried to stay mainly in the Gospel topics section of lds.org and the Joseph Smith Papers website. I thought that if it wasn't endorsed by the church that it would be incorrect.
I won't go into the details of what I discovered except that it was eye opening and I didn't like what I found. I found a lot of holes in the history of the church and substantial things that had been glossed over. I had to revise my original determination of only reading church produced material and turn to other credible sources.
I have never had a super strong testimony of Joseph Smith. I have been praying for years to receive a knowledge that he was a prophet of God (since before my mission). I had received positive answers but nothing strong or concrete. As I started learning the truth, my opinion of him started to nose dive. The respect I had for him was vanishing. I needed to know whether he was truly a prophet of God or a fraud. My perception of the world and the after-life was crumbling.
Sometime this past June, I prayed again to know that Joseph Smith had the first vision and that he had seen the things I have been taught he had seen. The answer I received was like having the rug pulled out from under me. I had the distinct impression/feeling that he was not who I had been taught he was. The distressing thing was that this felling [sic] was the exact same impression/feeling I have come to rely upon as being the Holy Ghost. The same feeling that had previously told me that, yep, Joseph Smith was probably a true prophet.
This was the major turning point for me. I no longer could rely on my feelings. I had strong feelings in the past telling me what the church taught was true. I was now having those same exact feelings telling me it wasn't. I hadn’t starting engaging in any activities contrary to what the LDS church teaches. I hadn’t “lost the spirit” due to unworthiness. I was honestly seeking for the truth. It was devastating.
The next couple of weeks at church were awful. I tried to continue saying and doing the things that were expected of me as a counselor in the bishopric. I couldn't. I felt dishonest. My personal integrity started to suffer. So in the beginning of July, I told the bishop what I was going through and asked to be released.
My initial intention was to continue going to church until I had things worked out. However, when the next Sunday came around I couldn't make myself go. My belief in the church was gone. I haven't been back to church since.
There is a lot more that I can talk about and tell you but I won't unless you want me to. I will leave it at this: I feel betrayed by the church. Things about the history of the church that I was taught to be exactly 100% true are not. It is not as black and white as I was led to believe. I have invested all the years of my life, up to this point, believing something that I can no longer believe. I cannot continue attending and trying to believe in this church. For me, the evidence that is not true, is too overwhelming.
I don't know where I'm going to end up in regards to religion. My heart is lighter however. I see the world and the people around me in a different light. I have more loving thoughts and attitudes. I'm less judgmental. I'm happy.
I'm not writing this to pull you away from the church. I'm writing this to let you know where I'm at.
I love each and every one of you. I know that you most likely are feeling sad for us or angry or feel the need to help us come back to the church. Your feeling are valid and I respect them. Please know that fear is a debilitating way to live your life. Not knowing all the answers is freeing and I am ok with being able to say, “I don’t know” when it comes to the mysteries of life. How else can we learn and grow?
