So every since my narcissist discarded me I have been struggling to function. Just basic things like getting out of bed and doing things I know I need to do is so difficult. I much rather stay in bed with my head buried under blankets fast asleep where I dont have to deal with all the pain. Everything when I am awake reminds me of him. Just breathing makes me think of him and I hate it. Its strange how you loose your identity in someone and when they are gone you feel like you dont even know who you are anymore, you morph yourself to be what they want and need. You dont even realize you are doing it till after they are gone and you are left not knowing what to do without them. The sad thing is that I actually would happily keep living my life that way if her would take me back. That I would be happy with my identity being what he needed and living for him if it meant he would always stay. I realize that it is not healthy, but if you cant be honest with yourself who can you be honest with?
It got alot worse when he went public with his new gf, something that I was never allowed. For 2yrs I was his gf but in secret, he always had a reason or excuse. Always a promise of soon he would start to tell people, he just wanted to wait till it was closer to the time I would move there. Did I mention that I was suppose to move to another country for him? I was more than happy to fit into his life there and make him happy. I guess that was to much for him so he went with someone there. Just dropped me like nothing for someone easy. Now she gets to go on all the day trips we planned, meet his whole family and move into the house that we planned for together. She gets the life that was suppose to be mine and I am left lifeless and empty. All of who I was I poured into him and now its gone....I dont feel like i have the strength to build myself back up even though I know I need to. I hate when people tell me I should be grateful he left, because now I get to live the life I want....they dont understand that a life with him is what I want and so now i have to find a way to get by until I get to die. I dont feel like I will ever be happy without him because I never have been. The best and worst times of my life have been with him. People want to say that the ones that broke you cant fix you, but with him he could. He broke me when he left, but any time he came back I was magically whole again. Then the fear and anxiety of loosing him again would set in. Being an unknown narcissist victim I never understood why he kept coming back or why he treated me so poorly when he claimed to love or want me so much. Now that I know what he is, I understand he knew what he was doing and it was all a game, yet it was all real for me and I still love and miss him everyday. Every point in my life without him, I barely existed and survived. Now I have to live the rest of my life without him, because I dont think he will ever come back this time. I think this was his last round with me. Hes getting older and he just came out of a long unhappy marriage before we got back together and I have a feeling he will stay with this one. I hope he doesnt, I hope it doesn't last like all the others, but he sadly never looses. He always wins with his charm and fakeness. He actually treats people like crap but hes so charming his friends and family just think hes funny and let it go when hes actually belittling them on purpose. For once I wish he would loose it all and finally be forced to feel something. Forced to feel all the pain that he has caused me and I am sure others.
Having to make a life for myself is not something I want to do, I am sure that to many that sounds awesome. I dont feel like I have the intelligence and strength to do it on my own, but I have no choice since he has left me and took with him the life that I wanted, dreamed of my whole life. How do you go on? How do you live knowing that another gets your dream that apparently you were not worthy of?
