I Wish You Were A Boy
Summary: Being with a girl is a hard thing to do in the 80s.
Warnings: some homophobia, based off the TikTok audio “I wish you were a girl”
You know this thing you have with Robin is coming to an end. You know it’s not gonna last. It’s fading as your parents become suspicious about your late night dates and excuses followed by not bringing home a boy. You know someone might catch you two locking lips in a closet. You know that those two people who throw slurs your way are gonna keep spreading more and more rumors.
You canceled your plans with Robin. Afraid of the pit that is forming in your stomach and the hole that opening itself up in your heart. But she’s persistent, climbing up your roof, knocking on your window. You hesitate as you open the window.
“Hey.” She breathes with a smile “know you had to study but thought we could study together.” She says holding up her book bag.
“Ok.” You simply reply and Robin instantly knows something is off. She moves in to kiss you and allow her to. You’re tearful as you look at her when you break the kiss.
“I wish you were a boy.” You whisper against her face. Now she’s also crying.
“W-what do you mean?” She nervously laughs, hoping this is some kind of joke from you.
“I love you Robin but this-this isn’t right.”
“Isn’t right? You mean like two girls?”
“Yes!” Robin looks down embarrassed and ashamed, “no, no that’s not what I mean. I mean it isn’t right to other people. Other people don’t think what we do is right.”
“Who cares what they think. It’s not like we have to be open about it. We just have each other and that’s enough.”
“No it’s not enough, not when everyone is against us. It’s over Robin.”
“B-b-but, we could-” she struggles to get out, she grabs your hands into hers.
“We can’t.” You insist, taking your hands out of hers. “Please leave. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Robin stands there for a minute, not being able to move. Your anger strikes you. Your anger filled with dread, depression, the feeling of others attacking Robin for who she is, not seeing her for who she is, judging you and her based on who you love.
“But you’re my best friend.” She sniffles.
“Robin leave!” You yell, pointing to the window. She doesn’t hesitate this time and quickly moves from out the window.
You drop your body into your bed and lay there motionless until your body forced you to sleep.
-
The next day at school is sick and cruel. Everywhere you look you see Robin. At the school colors, the lockers, your goddamn history textbook. You wanna crawl into a hole and cry forever. You know the things you said to her were cruel, mean, unnecessary, but you also knew you were trying to do what was best for her.
Weeks go by now. She doesn’t look at you in the hallways anymore. You float down the hallways in your skirts and floral shirts and the playful smile she had on her face has disappeared and is now focused on Eddie Munson or Nancy Wheeler. Her new best friends. Ones who could protect her from you and others who’s opinions differed, not you though. When you felt trouble you just threw her away.
Now it’s a football game. You’re standing proud and tall in your cheer uniform. The uniform you and Robin had a lot of fun with when you would wear it after football games. Those passion filled nights of experimenting seem decades ago, another lifetime ago.
You stare at her as she plays her trumpet, she looks happy. Like she’s enjoying her life without you. She’s closer to Vickie Thomas, a girl who pings your gaydar a little too much. Maybe Vickie can give Robin what you could never give to her.
After the game you’re walking to your car. Your friends start to leave the parking lot, but you slowly walk to where your car is parked far away from everyone. You then stare at the car Robin is getting into. Vickie’s. You both lock eyes. You start to walk towards her, you don't know why, your legs are just forcing you to move. Robin hesitates before she says something to the girl and shuts the door. Walking up to you also so you meet halfway.
“Hey.” She says. The car she was once gonna get in drives off. Now it’s just you two in the silent deserted parking lot.
“Hi.” You reply. Then it’s silence. Just the sound of the trees moving is what you hear, nothing else. It’s strange. Being quiet around Robin.
“How have you been?”
“Great. Fine. You?”
“Fine.” She offers awkwardly.
“Do you have a ride home now?”
“No, kinda ditched it so I could talk to you.”
“Thanks, I guess.” More silence.
“I-”
“I-” You both start but then immediately become silent. “I’m sorry Robin, the way I ended things, the things I said aren't right. They weren't right. There is nothing wrong with us. I just get so nervous about everything. My parents, my future, our classmates. I-I-I don't know. You just made me feel a way a boy never could and I got scared. And I know we’re supposed to like boys so I just said that stupid thing and I just regret it so much. I don't wish you were a boy, I don't wish you were anybody else.” You're sobbing at this point. You never talked about your sexuality so much in one sentence.
“I know, it’s ok. It’s a hard thing to except.”
“I love you. I love you Robin no one else.” She pulls you into a hug. A tight fierce one.
“I love you too. No one else. C’mon lets get out of here and go to my house.” You nod and follow her to your car.
You get in, the ride is silent, still processing the talk you had. But still it’s perfect.
