#lesserafim angst

[ducktoo]

Rent-a-friend

Client 39: Miyawaki Sakura

Tags: Angst, Slice of Life

(7.3k words)

Until spring arrives and breaks what winter gave, Snow falls heavy on the flower field's grave. And when alas, the white cherry blossom blooms, Yet, quietly, the winter snow continues to loom.

-

Puffy: OH MY F*CKING GOD THEY'RE SO PRETTY!!!!

That…is the response to how the shoes are painted. It takes a few weeks more before you finally send it off, after spending far too much time making sure every detail is exactly how you want it. You wrap it carefully, double-check the packaging three separate times, and drive it straight to the Ji mansion with the vague anxiety that comes with handing something personal, hoping it survives the journey intact at the back of your beat up van.

You only know the reaction to your work by the way your phone explodes.

The first message is a photo of Jiyeon standing in front of the building. The second is blurry. The third is somehow blurrier.

And the fourth is a video that you just pressed play.

The camera shakes violently as Suhyeon jumps around the living room while her mother laughs somewhere off-screen. The painting leans against the wall in the background, catching the afternoon light from a nearby window, and every few seconds Suhyeon points at it again like she needs to physically confirm that it's real and hasn't somehow vanished. The video contains approximately three coherent words and several excited noises from the household (and some smacks to the wall, presumably from Suhyeon) that probably qualify as a form of excited language. At one point the camera swings wildly toward the ceiling before returning to the painting again, and somehow that only makes your heart bloom even more.

Puffy: THANK YOU!!!!!! MOM IS CRYING IM ALSO CRYING THIS IS YOUR FAULT HOLY SHIT!

A little secret: when Jiyeon throws out profanity, she really knows how to, and it’s totally and entirely unrelated to you, obviously. Still, if she's going to enact the act of swearing, at least it's because she's happy and not because she stubbed her toe.

You: You're very welcome, Puffy.

Three dots immediately appear. Disappear. Reappear. Then…

Puffy: YOU MADE THE SHOE LOOK COOL!!!

Pfff. Out of everything she could have said about the painting, that…might be the most sincere compliment you have ever received as an artist. You two both come from prestigious artistic backgrounds, so you expect a more critical feedback, something about the composition, the moving colours, or it captures the blood, sweat, and tears that Suhyeon pours out to her work.

But nope, you just… made the shoe look cool. If only you got the same kind of response from ‘her’— 

"EXCUSE ME! WHO ORDERED WICKED WING?" Oh hey, that's your meal. Probably best to eat before driving home.

-

The drive home is one you could probably do blindfolded, not that you'd ever try. Especially not tonight when it's snowy as fuck.

You've driven this route so many times that every turn, every traffic light, and every oddly placed convenience store feels permanently etched into your memory. And honestly, you need it etched into your brain especially during Winter: Your old van rumbles beneath flickering streetlights, tyres crunching over fresh snow while music from your phone fills the cabin just loudly enough to keep you awake. Otherwise, you would've fallen asleep, frozen, or drowning to the thought of Jiyeon's reaction to the dozens of small requests you've handled over the past few months. Then, somehow, your brain decides to remind you of the time you accompanied a client to Comic Con wearing a sailor uniform.

(Fucking worth it. Got a free figurine afterwards.)

You are roughly ten minutes from home, passing through the road with cherry blossom trees side by side, the heavy white caps bending branches under their weight to replace the flowers, when your phone rings through the speakers.

Sakura.

"Ohaiyo, Kkura." "PC Bang."

"…hello to you too, jackass." "PC Bang."

"Saku—" "PC Bang."

Twenty minutes later, you’re taking the PC spot next to her. She's right about being 'already inside' — she has already made herself comfortable at home, logged into a game. Not so much as a "thanks for making a U-turn on snow-covered roads." This ungrateful girl.

The PC bang glows with rows of monitors and neon lights, a far contrast to the freezing darkness behind the automatic sliding door. Keyboards clacking from every direction while the familiar smell of instant noodles, energy drinks, and poor life choices hangs permanently in the air. Screens flash with explosions, victory screens, and rapidly moving characters while conversations overlap from every corner of the room. Somewhere nearby, someone is arguing passionately with a teammate they've never met (it's the nicest you can say to a LoL game).

In other words, welcome to Sakura's abode.

"Are you calling me here to watch your KDA?" "No."

"Can you at least look at me when answering?" "Queue already, far out."

Three matches later, you wish you had ignored her call and enjoy your time mixing paints at home instead. Drinking tea. Sleeping. Literally anything else.

"How the fuck are you still alive?"

"Built different." "You say that to everything."

"It's called positioning." "More like you disappearing every team fight then magically showing up with four eliminations."

Six matches later, your shoulder pops, your eyes hurt, your wrists hurt, your back is finally suffering-free, mom's spaghetti. Far out, you're too old to play games this well, yet Sakura looks exactly the same as she did three games ago.

Well, maybe not, because she finally removes one earcup. And usually, this is how you know she wants something.

"Hey."

"Hm?"

"Can you be my friend?"

…Huh. You stare at her. Then at the monitor. Then back at her. Uh…

"Are you friendzoning me? Sorry, I don't see you th—"

Yeah, fair enough, you deserve that smack on your arm. Times ten. "Dumbass, I'm serious."

"I get it, sorry sorry." You chuckle. "So…what kind of friend request are we talking about?"

And you feel a buzz in your pocket. Glancing down at the phone screen, you immediately see a new message from Sakura, which would be completely normal if she wasn’t sitting less than a meter away from you. You slowly look over, only to find her staring intently at her monitor with the exaggerated focus of someone pretending they weren't responsible for whatever that just appeared on your phone.

Ok, let’s see what she sends you: A screenshot of the Client Form, with the Requester filled out as Sakura herself (hold up, what?), and the assigned Companion as you (hold up, what now?). The reason is…peculiar.

An event.

…A memorial service?

You stare at the image for several seconds, reading it twice just to make sure you're not misunderstanding something. Then you slowly turn your head toward Sakura again. She somehow manages to become even more interested in whatever is on her screen.

"…fuck no." "Why?"

Without hesitation, you reach over and lightly smack her head.

"That hurts!" "Good, because I still say no. Especially to a fucking funeral."

"Why?!" "You are not submitting that."

Sakura rubs the top of her head with a deeply offended expression. Pretty sure it doesn't hurt her, but you have to interrupt what she clearly believed was a perfectly reasonable solution to the situation (it's not).

"I'm just following the procedure." "No."

"I'm serious!" "No."

"Stop saying no!" "Sakura, we work at the same place."

She pauses for a moment as if she is carefully considering your argument, then points directly at the screen. "Exactly, dumbass."

…Oh. Oh…she's doing it again.

Miss Miyawaki Sakura here hates owing people. Hates with a hard T.

She's someone who buys coffee for a customer just because they bought her one six days ago. Someone who remembers a tiny favor from the delivery uncle who brought extra ingredients for the shop and she adds a bit extra to their bowls free of charge when it was nothing to them. If someone helps her move a box during delivery drop off, she'll somehow find a way to return the favor later. If someone covers for her once for a client, she'll spend weeks looking for an opportunity to balance the scales.

But…she's also exactly the kind of person who would rather create paperwork, contracts, and official procedures than openly admit she needs help from someone she trusts. You could say she is the definition of order.

"I'm still saying no." "Why not?"

"Because if you submit that form, then I'm obligated to say yes." "…ok, and?"

"That defeats the entire point."

Sakura might be upset right now, but sometimes, this girl needs to hear why it's fine to not have anything tied to a contract for once.

"If I only show up because there's a contract attached to it, then that's work," you explain, gesturing vaguely toward the screenshot still displayed on your phone. "That's literally just work. That's not you asking me for help. That's you assigning me a job."

“But…” "But if I show up because you asked me to, that's different."

“Bu—” “You know I’m right.”

She responds by pulling her hoodie slightly higher, as though hiding behind fabric somehow invalidates your observation.

"Look," you sigh, spinning slightly in your chair. "Let's have no forms, assignments, approvals, contracts. None of that shit. I'm happy to come with you, Kkura."

"But it's unfair, because I'm asking you to do something."

…Oh god this girl can be the best comedian if she wants to. You laugh so hard your belly starts to hurt.

"Kkura-ya, you have covered my shifts before. You've sat through three-hour client debriefs when I was sick. You helped me build my profile on the website—"

"They really need to update the site." "It works fine, no?"

"Bruh."

"My point is that you've literally been doing favors for me for months. Did you send me an invoice afterwards for each good deed?" Now that got her to shush. "Did you make me fill out a request form?"

Still silent. "Did you charge me?"

Your point probably has got to her head at this point, hopefully. "Well, there we go."

Sakura slowly sinks lower into her chair. Another thing about her is that…when she loses, she sulks like a kid. "I don't like it."

"I know."

You really do know. She's trying so hard to turn this into an official request, wants paperwork attached to it, and some clear guidelines. She’s not wrong — it's safe, secure, and if there's paperwork involved, then nobody owes anyone anything. Nobody has to feel bad.

"Still, you don't owe me a favour, never."

"But—" "Never."

-

Sigh.

You have thrown out every objection you raise, every explanation you patiently gave. Hell, this conversation could have been avoided if she simply clicks a different option. Yet the morning two days later, you wake up to three notifications. The first is the completed client form. The second is the approval notice, and the third is a receipt for seven d— wait, hold up, seven days? Didn't she say only for one event?

"Ya Sakura." You ring her immediately, and yes, not even a hello from you. "Fuck no."

"What?" "No."

"What are y—" "Why are you buying the seven days package?"

"Just because?" Oh this girl is playing the ignorance game, alright.

"Sakura, the service lasts only three hours."

"Well, approximately." "Then why?"

You hear rustling on the other end, probably her pulling her blanket over her face. "Well, that's the most basic one I can do. And you should be grateful, mister."

"…Why?" "I gave you a 5 stars review. And increased your rating."

Remember, violence is illegal, and Sakura knows where you live, so she will expose your IP address. "You are so irritating."

"I know. I have been told that a lot."

"By me." "Yep."

The contract officially starts two days later, and nothing practically changes. Sakura still calls you whenever she wants, sending you photos of the bowl of ramen she made, still sending you brain rot memes or recordings of her Overwatch matches. Basically, same old, but with paperwork involved this time.

Which is way, way worse. She keeps saying "You are contractually obligated to listen to this,"  "You're contractually obligated to answer," "You're contractually obligated to appreciate this meme." At this point, you're becoming contractually obligated to shove the paperwork into her mouth just to make her stop saying that phrase.

Sigh. Luckily you only landed mostly on clients like Gaeul and Suhyeon, because you really don't know how one truly navigates around a wild card like her.

Well…sort of. It only takes one sign at the time, and the first one comes three days before the memorial.

The two of you are eating dinner after work. The ramen shop is unusually quiet tonight and most of the dinner crowd has already left, leaving a few customers scattered around.  Suhyeon would've joined the two of you like usual; it’s a habit of hers to always join you two ever since you first introduced her to the ramen shop. Unfortunately, freezing temperatures and an upcoming recital don't exactly mix well for a ballerina. It is a shame, although the evening is more comfortable. And conversations come easier, maybe. Actually, that is a good word to emphasise, because Sakura has spent the last ten minutes staring into her bowl and swirling the noodles around with her chopsticks.

On the other side of the table, you slurp.

"Should I cry?"

Anyway, you nearly died. Fuck, a noodle went down the wrong pipe. The cough was so violent the noodle was probably going to escape from the eye socket instead.

"What?" "At the memorial."

"What about it?" "Should I cry?"

"What are you on about?"

Her brows furrow, seemingly genuinely confused. Like somehow you've failed to understand a perfectly obvious question. Doesn't help when she continues with "I'm asking because I don't know."…and damn, this is harder than guessing whether you win the 50/50 in gacha games, who knows if she's ragebaiting or is actually that oblivious to the concept of grieving.

"Sakura." You slowly lower your chopsticks. "You can't just schedule crying like your game livestream."

"But everyone else will cry, no? It's natural." "Then everyone else cries."

"What if I don't?" "Then you don't. Bro, wha—"

"What if they notice? What if they become judgmental?"

It's been a few years since you have become acquainted with Sakura and become good friends with her, but this is the first time she gets so worried about other people’s perception of her. Without the usual sarcasm in her tone, Sakura is figuring out what grief is supposed to look like…and apparently nobody ever taught her.

The questions continue as the days go by, and it's easy to be confused if she's studying for finals or not. And these questions were…something.

Kkura: Are flowers performative?

Let's just…put the phone down and walk around the studio. Ok, come back, and read it again. Fucking hell, what kind if question is this?

You: Stop searching how to grieve on Tiktok ffs.

Kkura: I have only scrolled for like 30 mins

You: Turn it off.

Kkura: One of them was played with Subway Surfer gameplay, too.

You: BRUH

-

The night before the memorial service, she drops by your place and stays far longer than usual. For backstory, she has a habit of appearing at your studio for ten minutes and tends to overstay her welcome for three hours.

At this point, it's nice to have a cat (aka, Sakura) in the house, especially when it is a freezing void beyond the windows. Thin sheets of ice cling to the panes, soft white breath fogging the glass whenever you get too close. Across the street, the convenience store is still brightly lit, one lonely cuboid of warmth in an otherwise dark neighbourhood. Most of the apartment buildings have already gone black.

The inside is far softer than the world outside. Comfortable and quiet. Sakura is curled up in the corner of your couch, hoodie pulled halfway over her hands. You're sitting in the armchair opposite her with a mug of coffee that's long since gone cold.

Neither of you is really doing anything. You're supposed to clean up the brushes before she barged in, but it seems like your company is greatly needed. The memorial service is tomorrow, and it is clear that it's still sitting in the back of her mind.

"So…" She keeps her eyes on the coffee table. "Does grieving hurt?"

"That's…a broad question." "I know."

"It depends." "On what?"

"The person you’re grieving for."

She nods slowly, seemingly accepting that answer for…around seven seconds. Then…

"Was that what happened when you broke up with your ex?"

…Ok. That is the last thing you actually expected her to ask. The confidence she’d somehow gathered lasts exactly half a second, and the colour drains from her face almost immediately. 

"Huh?" "What?"

"Why are you asking me that?" 

“I-I mean—” She sits uptight so quickly the blanket slips off her laps. "N-no, wait—that—that came out wrong." Both hands shoot out in front of her, waving frantically as if she can shove the question back into her own mouth. "I-I wasn't trying to—I mean, I wasn't asking because—ugh."

She squeezes her eyes shut. "Forget I asked that."

There’s something oddly heartbreaking about it, truly. She's trying so hard to understand this, you have to forgive this poor girl. Well, since the question is already being thrown out to the ring, how should you answer this, hm? An exhale through your nose and glance towards the ceiling later, you arrive at:

"…well, grief might be too strong of a word for my situation."

"...really? It sounds painful, no?"

You let out a short laugh. "Wow, thanks, Miyawaki." "I'm being serious."

"…I know."

And she’s right, the breakup hurts a fucking lot. More than you wanted to admit at the time the fading memories refuse to come back, when she nonchalantly broke up with you on a winter night. That scar is still there — the white breath escaped your pale lips, the shivering of your hands, and the crushing of your heart.

You glance down at your mug. "Grief is heavier. It…usually comes from losing someone you can't get back."

Sakura listens quietly.

"Death. Family. Friends. People who are gone." Your fingers tap lightly. "But a breakup…it's kinda weird."

"Weird?" "They're still there, you know?"

"Ah." Sakura nods.

"They still exist, still living their life. Like, I can call them and see them, theoretically. Unlike you and your friend. The person is still there, but…" You sigh. "...the relationship isn't."

Sakura nods. "It's…similar then?"

You stare out the window. "It's probably somewhere in the same neighbourhood. Close enough, I would say."

"Do you.." You glance over, and she is chewing lightly on the inside of her cheek, eyes drifting everywhere except you, clearly debating whether she should continue the question. And not going to lie, the hesitation makes you smile.

"Sometimes." The answer is annoying to you, but the honesty is surprising. "It's not like I want her back. Just…I wish it didn't end in such a shitty way."

There. That probably sounds more accurate. Maybe what truly hurts you the most was watching something beautiful slowly heading towards the bad ending. Maybe. The room falls silent again, like even inanimate objects are giving a moment of silence.

"So…if someone dies, and you miss them." She eventually speaks. "And if someone leaves, and you miss them too…" She frowns immediately. "Fucking hell, emotions are stupid."

This girl, far out. (Lmao) "You conclude with that?!"

"Yes." "After all that?"

"Yep". She pulls her hoodie further over her head, clearly sulking. As if that makes her argument more convincing (hell no).

"You're really trying to understand the concept of grief for tomorrow, huh?" "Yea. What are you gonna do about it?"

"Sakura."

She finally looks back.

Now, you can repeat your point. She doesn't need to solve grief. She doesn't need to understand every emotion, guidebook, article, random Tiktok feeds, or graphics. She just needs to show up and pay respect. She can leave when she wants to, cry if she wants to, be sad if she wants to, confused if she wants to. You can say all that again to drill it in her head.

Instead, you tell her: "Just…do what your heart tells you to."

She stares at you for several seconds, clearly stunned by such an abstract answer (You are too). But then, she lets out a long sigh and sinks deeper into the couch. "Okay."

"You’re accepting it too easily, what the hell."

'Well your answer is annoying, but you're also annoyingly right." A laugh escapes her before she can stop it. 

The anxiety doesn't disappear completely, sure. Tomorrow is still tomorrow, and nothing you say tonight is going to magically erase that.

But she looks less trapped inside her own thoughts. And for Sakura, that's probably the best outcome you could hope for.

-

Snow starts falling before sunrise.

Large, soft flakes drifting through the pale morning sky, blanketing the passing rooftops, tree branches, and parked cars until the entire city is one white plane.

You spend an extra thirty minutes clearing the windshield of your van and fixing up the chains onto the wheels. The heater takes forever to warm up, this damn junk.

By the time this same junk parks outside Sakura's place, the sun finally gets out of its white blanket. She climbs in wearing an oversized black coat, a charcoal scarf wrapped high around her neck, covering her mouth. Her hair is tied back far neater than usual, probably a result of spending a long time deciding how presentable she should be.

"…Morning." "Hey."

And neither of you say anything for about an hour.

The windshield wipers rhythmically push away melting snow while low volumed music trickles through the speakers. Outside, pedestrians move carefully along icy sidewalks, umbrellas collecting white flakes that refuse to stop falling.

Sakura is staring out the window.

Normally, she'd have found something to complain about by now. The weather that’s hindering the road, how slow you are at driving (please drive safely, unlike this girl who plays GTA like it owes her money), the sleep-inducing music, and the slow-ass heater.

Instead, "She hated winter."

"…hm?" "Her."

This is the first time her voice sounds…maybe it's not right to describe it.

"She'd complain about how cold the snow was. And wished it was warmer." "Ok that is not possible, the heck."

The smile disappears almost as quickly as it arrived, leaving the humming of the air-con filling the space. And eventually… "We met because we were dogshit. At streaming."

"Ah." "Three viewers, by the way. One was me, second was probably my laptop. The third might have been a bot."

"…pff." "Ya. I was serious, you little shit."

"Yeah, I figured, Miss Hustler." "She…was the same as well."

Sakura looks back out the window. "We'd finish streaming, then call each other until four in the morning since we were close with each other."

"Talking?" "Nah, mostly complaining. About no viewers and shenanigans we have to do to get more."

"Sounds…nice." "Shut it, Mr. Sarcasm."

A faint chuckle escapes her. "We kept saying we'd quit, but neither of us actually did. We kinda…grew up together, you can say that."

The snowfall thickens. The world outside the van turns pure white save for the occasional traffic lights glowing through the snow. You stay silent and let her continue.

"We learned everything together. Editing, streaming, sponsorships, trolling with hate comments, and how to say fuck off to creeps." She smiles at the memories. "Every little milestone — one hundred followers, one hundred pancakes. One thousand, we spent a thousand US dollars for stupid shit. Vlogs about our first joined collabs, sponsor, donation, all that stuff."

Her fingers absentmindedly trace circles on her thigh. "It was nice."

Another thing about Sakura: when she says something, she really means it.

"Then we fought."

You side-glance at her. "Over what?"

She isn't looking back. "Not even something worth fighting for."

"No?" "Not at all. Stupid, even."

"What happened?" "Internet controversies."

You frown. "...I'm gonna need more than that."

"We were both dead as fuck, streaming for like a week straight." She sighs. "Someone clipped something and was taken out of context. I thought she was badmouthing me, and she thought I was looking down on her."

…Huh. "Initially we were okay, but the exhaustion was not helping us stay rational. So…we argued constantly, had a fight that was blown out of proportion, and we both had too much pride to apologise."

The snow stops falling for a brief moment. "And we just stopped talking, I guess. And we won’t be able to talk for….ever."

The rest of the drive passes without another word.

-

The parking lot is already half full, black sedans and white SUVs slowly disappearing beneath fresh layers of snow. People move carefully across the icy pavement dressed almost entirely in black, umbrellas blooming open one after another as delicate flakes continue drifting from the grey sky above.

Neither you nor Sakura immediately move while the engine idles softly. Sakura sits beside you with both hands resting on her lap. Way too still for her character. She might have been rehearsing today in her head for countless nights. Probably since the night she asked you to accompany her. You can almost hear a checklist running through her mind, a mantra of stand, bow, offer condolences, don't leave too early, don't be too attached nor force herself to cry.

"Sakura."

"Hm?"

"Do what your heart tells you to."

"…you are so annoying." But her shoulders loosen slightly anyway.

Cold air immediate bites through your coat as you both step outside. The wind isn't particularly strong, but it's chilly enough to sting your face. Sakura is definitely smart, bringing that scarf to wrap half her face. (Her smug ass even shows off the hand warmers in her pocket, doesn't even offer you one. This damn troll.)  Snow crunches beneath your shoes as you begin walking toward the entrance.

The memorial hall is beautiful…and quiet.

Ok, it is supposed to be quiet, but in a sense, not chillingly quiet. Subdued…maybe.

Arrays of white chrysanthemums line the entrance beneath black ribbons, their bright petals standing out against the monochrome surroundings. Incense lingers gently in the winter air. People continue to arrive and leave in smaller groups, some embrace and bow, others stand together reminiscing through watery smiles.

As you two enter, a middle-aged woman notices Sakura first.

"Sakura?"

The mentioned girl straightens. "Oh…Ms. Huh." She bows politely. "It's been a long time."

"It has. Oh gosh, you look so thin, my dear." The woman smiles sadly. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

"I almost didn–" The words slip out before Sakura can stop them. "I-I mean…I-I…"

"It's ok, I understand. But thank you for coming." She finally glances at you who stands idly behind Sakura. "And you are…?"

"Good morning, ma'am." You bow. "I'm Sakura's…boyfriend."

Sakura freezes harder than the frozen pond outside. You swear even the blood in her veins stops circulating. The look she gives you is absolutely magnificent — pure disbelief and absolute betrayal. The face that says 'I will fucking end your life'.

You bite the inside of your cheek. That's what you get for the hand warmer, you fucking troll (lol).

"Oh my goodness!"  The mother clasps both hands together. "I didn't know you were seeing someone."

"...Neither did I," Sakura mutters under her breath.

"What was that, dear?" "N-Nothing!" She forces the brightest smile you've seen all week.

She looks between the two of you before letting out a relieved laugh. "I'm so happy she isn't alone today."

"Thank you very much ma'am." You nod. "Sorry for your loss."

The woman gives one final nod, "Thank you for coming, you two," before excusing herself to greet another arriving guest. As soon as she's out of earshot, Sakura turns toward you and smacks squarely against your arm.

"You fucking dumbass." "It’s funny!"

"It wasn't." "It absolutely was. That's what you get for not getting me an extra hand warmer."

She glares. "I almost…believed you."

"Wait, what?" "What?"

"Shush." "Pff."

At least now she’s not stuck inside her own head.

The portrait of her friend rests at the centre of the room as you two explore further, the altar surrounded by flowers, candles, handwritten letters, and probably some printed photos at different stages of her life. A smiling face frozen in time, young, bright and happy.

You notice Sakura's breathing for a second. Then she straightens her back almost instinctively…but not as stiff as before.

"She always hated that photo, by the way."

"…Looks pretty normal to me." "I know. This girl is just weird."

As the day goes, people gradually recognise her, most likely through the girl. Some approach, hesitate, and some simply wave or nod politely from across the hall. Every mutual friend seemed unsure of how to actually approach Sakura. Eventually, you drift further away to give enough space for Sakura to navigate the conversations herself. And that was when whispers appeared. Quiet, but you pick it up quite easily.

"...She's exactly the same." "I still can't tell what she's thinking." "She's barely reacted." "I haven't even seen her cry." "...She's always been cold." "...Guess some people never change."

There's no point saying back, especially here. You know well enough back then with Suhyeon. People build stories from what they can see above the frozen pond, and Sakura has always been exceptionally good at keeping everything below the water.  Of course, Sakura doesn't care either, typical of her.

Every time someone steps away from the memorial board, Sakura wanders over alone reading every message, sticky notes, thank you and apology. Slowly, like she's trying to engrave every word before leaving. One makes her lips move ever so slightly, reading silently. One makes her smile. One makes her press her lips together.

Later, someone announces that guests are welcome to spend time outside before the closing prayers begin. Sakur— wait, where did she go? Did she…where did she go?

Leaving first, you exhale and frantically run around the vast white to try to find this one girl, before you see her alone far away, under a single cherry blossom tree. The branches are completely bare, winter long claimed its blossoms months ago. But snow has settled across every branch with such softness that it almost looks like it’s blooming again. White petals, exactly how she'd described it during the ride. 

Just like what she said. Just like what her friend used to like. Just like what Sakura likes.

Everything here is quiet, the world behind you so distant. Muted voices, faint footsteps, life continuing on. Over here, there is only snow, and a Sakura beneath the tree that's still looking up. Snow gathers on her hair, her shoulders, her scarf, but she doesn't brush it off. Her posture holds for a while longer than it should.

"Sak—"

Then the posture breaks.

Her shoulders jerk once, then again. She turns her face immediately, burying it deeper into the scarf. She probably hopes that if she hides enough of herself, it won't count. Her breath breaks, small and fractured. She presses harder into the scarf, as if she can smother the sound of it. Her whole frame curls inward slightly, her pride refuses to be seen like this yet, it just keeps slipping through.

The snow keeps on falling.

And the first sob tears through the scarf. Both her hands clutch the fabric, pressing it against her face as another broken cry escapes. Then another, and another. The build ups of every thing left unsaid, and the memories left unshared, all come apart beneath that tree. Her wails echo across the empty grounds, with each one catches in her throat before breaking free again, harsher than the last.

You hear nothing. 

Not like there's anything to hear, but you just…stayed far enough away that you can't. Instead, you turn your gaze toward the lone white blossom above, miraculously and resiliently blooming on a branch untouched by snow.

It simply stays there as Sakura wails.

And like you, who refuses to leave her alone in this white, cold world.

-

You: Hey, are you almost here yet? We're going to this park near the memorial hall. Thank you for coming again, good friend.

-

It finishes just after sunset, purely because no one really wanted to be the first person to leave.

People linger. Conversations stretch a little longer, too. Old friends exchange (or re-exchange, for some) phone numbers and social media handles like they'll actually contact back. Come to think of it, it was your cue to advertise yourself and 'Rent-a-friend', opportunity was right there! A room full of emotionally vulnerable people, Incredible networking chances–no, no, don’t do it. You didn't bring your business card today (and also your conscience tells you otherwise). Shame.

The hall slowly empties.

Snow continues falling outside.

You wait by the entrance while Sakura (managed to) finishes speaking to another mutual friend. She bows politely, exchanges a few words, then walks over without saying anything.

"Ready…girlfriend?" "Oh, I will end you, alright."

Looks like she's okay now…sorta. Some of the tears had dried up on her face. The cold has hidden most of the red hue on her cheeks, but not all of it. Every now and then she sniffs quietly, pretending it's just the winter air. Thank fuck that you have your handkerchief in your pocket at least to wipe them off her.

"Shush." "I haven't even said one word, dumbass." And she still lets you wipe.

The two of you make it halfway across the parking lot before she pinches your arm sleeve.

"Can we…go somewhere quiet?"

You look around: parking lots, mourners, small farewell conversations, tired smiles.

"…got somewhere in mind?"

"Not really."

"Then I do."

Twenty minutes later, you arrive at the nearby town and pull into a small park tucked between rows of sleeping houses. No one is foolish enough to spend a winter evening here.. The playground sits abandoned beneath the snow. The swings sway ever so slightly in the breeze. A single park bench rests beneath an old tree whose branches have caught enough snow to keep the seat mostly dry. Lucky you.

You brush the snow away with your sleeve. Sakura sits, and you sit beside her.

Silence. The distant hum of the town beyond the tree. And snow. It always snows.

"Thanks…"

"Hm?"

"For coming with me."

"You asked. And pay me too, by the way." "Idiot."

Another minute passes. You don't speak, because you are aware that she wants to say something. Eventually…

"I was…honestly devastated."

You don't interrupt.

"I thought…I thought someone played a damn prank with me, you know? I reread the message six times." Her laugh dies almost immediately. "Then I checked everyone else's condolences posts, hoping one of them would say sike at any second."

Well, guess no one did.

"I sat there just…looking at one spot on the ceiling. And I just–-" She chokes. "I just…I hated myself, damn it. I kept telling myself to message her next month, after this event, after this sponsorship, after I hit another sub count, but I just fucking keep delaying it."

Silence again.

"I'll talk to her once I'm successful enough, less awkward, once enough time has passed. Well, turns out…"

You don't dare to answer. There isn't a right one in your mental notes to really tell her. You just let the wind fill the space, until Sakura suddenly tilts her head upward. You follow her gaze to find the clouds begin to clear up, tiny stars slowly emerge between patches of clouds.

"She loved stars." "Hm?"

"Every year." She smiles. "She'd literally come to my house. We used to live pretty close to each other, and tell me to touch grass once a year." Her voice becomes completely deadpan as she imitates her. "It prevents psychic damage, she says."

That's so dumb, what the fuck. "…Pff, bro, what?!"

"Yep, and we both stood outside anyway." She leans back against the bench. "We'd be in the middle of ranked. Saw a bunch of stars, and we went outside immediately, no buts."

It's the first time all day (or all week) hearing her talk about her friend without immediately cowering herself back behind a shield. And you can't help but just smile adoringly at her.

And the words leave her naturally. "I miss that idiot. So much."

You continue staring upward, and so does she. Minutes pass, the cold gradually settles into your clothes, but neither of you mind.

Eventually, she speaks. "I can't remember the last time I sat beside someone that is not you without putting on a face." She let out a big sigh. 'It's nice, just sitting like this."

"Well…make room in your heart then, won't you, my lovely and pretty supervisor?"

Sakura blinks and looks at you, in which you can only shake your head. Hm? Well, if it’s not you, then who is it? 

Both you and Sakura turn around to find a bundled-up figure walking towards them, carrying two canned coffees. She stops behind them, looking at Sakura, and then at you. Heh, she is here.

"…does this go under my pay check, good friend?"

You grin. "Took you long enough, Gaeul." 

"Hey, it's dark, and I suck at directions, remember?"

Sakura stares at the girl, completely confused. "Wait, why are yo— how did you get here?" Gaeul?"

Gaeul shrugs. "You looked like you needed someone besides him." Then she narrows her eyes at you. "And because he called me at 4am this morning since I couldn't answer his text."

"Ok, snitch."

She rolls her eyes before sitting down on Sakura's other side as naturally. For a few seconds, nobody says anything…because Sakura simply looks between the two of you. Well, look at Gaeul. She is glaring intensely at you, actually.

"You scheming motherfucker." "I'm putting that on my resume."

Gaeul, on the other hand, nudges the still warm canned coffee into the older girl's hand. "You looked sad."

"Thanks." "Someone should bother you to cheer you up."

"Someone did." Sakura side-eyes you. "Dude played the fake boyfriend act. For fucks sake."

Gaeul gasps. "You did? That is so mean! She deserves better."   

"Hold up, huh?"

The laughter comes easily after that. Small in a moment, loud in another. Comfortable, even. And then, Sakura's phone vibrates.

Jiyeon: I heard what happened. I'm really sorry. I will tag by every day now, who cares about diet? You don't even have to talk. I will just make hand sign for you. Just... don't disappear, please?

Sakura reads the message twice, three times. A tiny smile appears, then a wider one. She lowers her head slightly, hiding the expression behind the rim of the warm coffee can this time. A tear slips free anyway, presumedly happy years. "Looks like touching grass once a year wasn't enough."

You look at Gaeul, then back at Sakura. "Well, good thing you got us to drag you outside now."

"…Heh. I like the sound of that."

Since the memorial began, since the week she shows you the form, heck, since the first day you two met, this is the first time she doesn't argue with you. She simply looks back up at the stars.

And this time, she is not looking at them alone.

-

After the cold winter passes Until spring comes again Until the flowers bloom Stay here a little longer Stay here a bit more.

-

Painting white is surprisingly difficult.

Ok, it's supposed to be…white, simple, and empty. White can be the blue where shadows settle, the gold where sunlight kisses the petals, the pink where neighbouring branches reflect against one another, the gray beneath overlapping blossoms— ok at this point the complexity of this branch is overwhelming that you are rambling nonsense.

Which explains why you've spent nearly four hours staring at it.

Spring finally arrived.

Outside your apartment, the white cherry blossom tree has completely bloomed.

Unlike your utterly terrible description, the branches that had once carried only snow, now explode into clusters of pale white blossoms, every petal glowing softly beneath the sunlight. A gentle breeze stirs through the neighbourhood, carrying loose petals that dance lazily across the pavement before settling against parked cars and the studio windows.

And your studio window captures quite a perfect frame that you are trying to encapsulate in your canvas. But to be fair, working in a space that consists of scattered paint tubes, dried brushes, empty coffee cups, and enough sketchbooks lathering around, you have made a convincing argument for any reasonable person to tell you to clean it up.

Fortunately, you aren't one. You paint and get paid to be 'friends' for a living.

Anyway, you dab and streak another stroke onto the canvas.

"Too cold." You add another hint of yellow. "Ah fuck, too warm now."

Painting truly is arguing with yourself constantly until both sides are satisfied…or a third party interrupts. In this case, the constant vibration of your phone. You already ignored it before, but it keeps on buzzing. Again and again.

"…What now…" You don't even need to look at the screen to find out that Sakura is annoying you again.

Kkura: Wyd?

You: Painting.

Kkura: Ew. Working.

You: I will beat you up.

Kkura: Reported.

You snort.

You: For?

Kkura: Harassment. Pic?

You lift the unfinished canvas just enough to snap a quick photo before sending it. And immediately:

Kkura: Ugly.

This fucking b—

Kkura: Jk. It looks nice. Should've painted me.

You: Dafuq why?

Kkura: Idk, people can't tell the difference between me and the flower anyway.

You mutter the words aloud before bursting out laughing at her antics.

And yes, over the past few months, Sakura slowly returns back to herself again. Nobody truly ever goes back to who they were before grief, but it's close enough — the practical questions about understanding grief have disappeared, and late-night overthinking is less frequent. Instead, your phone gets flooded with messages about absolutely nothing. She'll call just to complain about a ranked teammate. Send you blurry photos of instant noodles. Start an argument over something she made up five seconds earlier. She basically finds new ways to mix with her old antics of being an annoying ass.

Which is comforting.

You'd honestly been worried after the memorial, thinking she would try to distract herself with extra work with Rent-a-friend, the ramen shop, and streaming in a span of multiple days. But no, she is recovering in an unexpected yet healthier way, which soothes your mind.

She finally accepts Gaeul's invites to lunch now instead of making excuses. Trying to talk about her feelings (not all of it, but she decides to be honest about herself) to late-night customers at the shop, whether they listen or not. You'd even caught her chatting with Suhyeon online (pretty sure it was a League of Legend lobby chat. Oh boy.)

Miracles do happen.

Kkura: By the way, I need you to tag with me next week. Gaeul is making another instance of shit curry again.

You: Go suffer yourself.

Kkura: Fuck you.

Sounds just like your usual conversation with her, indeed — Ok, enough procrastinating, time to set the phone face down, because the cherry blossoms aren't going to paint themselves. Another stroke, another adjustment. Oh hey, the painting is beginning to come together.

Knock knock.

Eh, probably a neighbour, or another package of paints that you may or may not have ordered and forgot that it's coming today.

"Door's open!"

The wooden door slowly swings inward, and you continue to paint without looking up.

"Just leave it by the table—"

You wish you didn't turn your head at all. The sentence dies halfway out of your mouth, and your grip tightens. Why? Why is she here? She shouldn't be here.

Standing just inside your studio, framed by the warm spring sunlight spilling through the open doorway, is someone you haven't seen in a very long time. The long dark hair, the same smiley eyes, the same habit of calmly looking around before speaking, as if making sure she isn't interrupting.

Neither of you says anything.

Outside, a breeze sends another wave of white petals drifting past the open window, and one lands between the two of you. The room suddenly feels much smaller, and your heartbeat is the loudest thing inside it.

And finally, you set the brush down.

"…What are you doing here, Baek Jiheon?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note:

Sup. The final girl has been revealed.

This chapter has been in the back of my mind for a while. Genuinely, a very interesting topic to write, but I had such a hard time how to pull it off without making it so depressing. Bet you didn't expect a staff to request a fellow staff for the service heh. After all, we humans are social of social interaction, a friend won't hurt.

Special thank you to @valentinedrifter @toshyun @autumnyacorn for proofreading (Sakura, Jiyeon, and Gaeul are also idols i dont get to write often too lol.)

Well, now that Jiheon has been revealed. You have to wonder, why is she back? Time to wait kek.

Thanks for reading! Cya~

[jihyoruri]

❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ YOU CAN BRING YOUR GIRLFRIEND sakura miyawaki x reader

↳ warnings bp!yn, sakura hating yn so much that she’s obsessed, sana is…., second part to obsessed

“why?”

sakura swallowed nervously, trying her best to avoid sana’s gaze, the only way she could get yn’s number was to ask her girlfriend sana who was unfortunately yn’s ex girlfriend.

after having the conversation with yn at the award show, sakura couldn’t help but feel even more frustrated with the scarily perfect girl, yn didn’t have one flaw when they talked, she was as perfect as everyone made her out to be, how sana made her out to be.

she tried to tell herself that the only reason why she’s pulling through with reaching out to yn was because there was no way she was that perfect.

it would give sakura a reason to hate her, to tell sana, hey that ex girlfriend of yours isn’t all that.

“uh, I bumped into her at the award show and she brought up teaching her a dance.” sakura said while she pulled at the skin on her nails, “it’s nothing really, she told me to get her number from you.”

there’s a silence and sakura feels like throwing up, but not even the gods could prepare her for what came out of sana’s mouth.

“did she say anything about me?”

um…

she doesn’t know how to feel, “um, maybe? I don’t remember much.”

sana stares at sakura for more than a second and it has the girl nervous once again, before she picks up her phone, “okay let me just send it to you.”

sakura feels like her shoulders got lighter as relief rushes through her, but it’s just like the universe doesn’t want to see her happy.

“hey, and tell her not to cancel on our plans for this weekend, she needs a break, maybe she’ll listen to her new friend.”

before sakura could even process the words that came out of sana’s mouth, sana pressed a kiss on sakura’s cheek, “I gotta go, talk to you later.”

sakura watched sana leave frozen, only letting a quiet bye leave her lips.

she didn’t like how sana’s voice sounded when she said that, there was something off about it.

but the again there was always something off about sana when yn was the topic of things.

sakura stalled for a little, she felt her heart race just at the thought of contacting yn, she just seemed so untouchable.

she took a deep breathe before finally biting the bullet.

hey yn, it’s sakura sana sent me your number.

she fidgeted for a while at how long it was taking for yn to respond, it’s yn she’s probably booked and busy don’t freak out she told herself.

she flinched at the buzz from her phone.

hey sakura! I was waiting for you to text me

I thought I would have to reach out to sana myself

sakura’s hands shook as she typed out her response.

sorry I was just nervous 😭

don’t be!

I was thinking instead of learning a dance we should go to this cafe that I really felt like going to, we can get to know each other and stuff yk!

sakura hated herself for smiling at the text, why was she so charming? she’s supposed to hate her

sana can come too!

sakura’s smile slowly fell.

that would be cool

send me the details and I’ll tell sana

sakura didn’t know why she felt so uneasy as she walked into the cafe, her hand gripping onto sana’s a little tighter than necessary.

maybe it was because she was about to spend time with the girl who had unknowingly taken up space in her mind for months. maybe it was because sana had barely said anything about their plans, offering nothing more than a casual "sounds fun" when sakura reminded her that morning. or maybe, just maybe, it was the way sana kept fixing her hair, checking her reflection in the window as they walked.

the cafe wasn’t anything special at least not to sakura. but it was a well known spot for idols, private enough that they wouldn’t be bothered yet popular enough that being seen there wasn’t a big deal.

sakura let out a breath as she stepped inside, her eyes immediately scanning the room.

and then she saw her.

yn sat at a small round table near the window, legs crossed, one hand resting under her chin as she scrolled through her phone. she looked effortlessly beautiful, even in something as simple as a matching pink hoodie and sweatpants.

it was unfair.

"yn!" sana called out, her voice just a little too excited.

yn’s head snapped up, her eyes lighting up when she saw them. "sana! sakura!" she beamed, waving them over.

sakura watched as sana let go of her hand without hesitation, walking over to yn with the kind of ease that made sakura's stomach churn.

it was natural. too natural.

when sakura reached the table, yn was already laughing at something sana had said.

"sit, sit," yn said, motioning to the two seats across from her.

sakura slid into the chair beside sana, feeling slightly out of place as she watched the way sana and yn interacted.

it wasn’t that sana was being overly affectionate, but there was something about the way she looked at yn something about the way her body naturally leaned toward her, the way she smiled so easily.

sakura wasn’t an idiot. she knew how it looked.

she knew how it felt, too.

the conversation was light at first yn asked about their schedules, their latest performances, even praising sakura’s last stage.

"you have really good stage presence," yn said, tilting her head slightly as she sipped her drink. "I know you’ve been doing this for a while, but you just… you have this way of making people focus on you."

sakura felt her face heat up at the compliment, caught off guard by how sincere yn sounded.

"oh—uh, thank you," sakura said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

yn smiled, and for a second, sakura forgot why she was supposed to hate her.

but then yn turned to sana, and it was like sakura wasn’t even there.

"so, how have you been? really."

sana’s lips parted slightly, her expression softening.

"I’ve been okay," she said, and sakura caught the way her fingers toyed with the edge of her sleeve.

yn hummed, resting her chin in her palm as she gazed at sana.

"you work too hard," yn murmured, and there was something so intimate about the way she said it, like she had every right to be concerned.

like she still had every right to care.

sakura watched sana’s reaction closely the way her shoulders tensed, the way she looked down at her lap before offering a small, "yeah, maybe."

it didn’t sit right with sakura.

so she did what any girlfriend would do, she reached under the table and took sana’s hand, squeezing it gently.

but sana barely reacted.

sakura hated the way that made her feel.

"what about you two?" yn suddenly asked, turning her attention back to sakura. "how’s the relationship?"

sakura opened her mouth, ready to answer, but sana beat her to it.

"oh, you know," sana said with a small shrug, "the usual."

the usual?

sakura blinked, caught off guard by how dismissive sana sounded.

"the usual?" yn repeated with a teasing smile. "that’s all I get?"

sana laughed, brushing her hair over her shoulder. "you’re asking like we’re married or something."

yn smirked. "well, you did say you wanted to get married young."

sakura stiffened.

she had never heard sana say that before.

"ah, that was a long time ago," sana said quickly, waving a hand.

yn just hummed, tapping her nails against the table. "sure, sure."

sakura felt like an outsider, like she was intruding on something that wasn’t meant for her.

and the worst part?

she understood why sana looked at yn the way she did.

because she was starting to feel it too.

there was something about yn something so effortlessly charming, so dangerously captivating. she had this way of making you feel like you were the only person in the world, even when she was just teasing you.

sakura hated it.

but she couldn’t stop herself from leaning in when yn spoke, couldn’t stop the way her heart stuttered when yn smiled at her.

it was infuriating.

"so, where are you headed next?" sana asked, stirring her drink absentmindedly.

yn sighed dramatically, leaning back in her chair. "ugh, paris. fashion week. it’s gonna be exhausting."

sakura raised a brow. "oh, you sound so miserable."

yn grinned. "I mean, I can’t complain, but it’s a lot, you know? I haven’t had a real break in forever."

sana frowned. "you really should rest more."

"maybe I will," yn mused, before checking the time. "actually, I should probably get going. my flight’s in a few hours.”

sakura didn’t know why she felt disappointed.

yn stood, adjusting her mini purse before flashing them both another smile. "you two lovebirds have fun, okay?"

sakura felt her stomach drop.

because for some reason, sana flinched at yn’s words.

but the worst part?

sakura flinched too.

[winieter]

ephemeral

pairing: huh yunjin x fem!reader. genre: angst. warnings: mentions of eating disorders and depression. a/n: the entire story is yunjin's pov (but still third person limited)

the moon hung low, a pale light gently illuminating the cemetary where yunjin stood. her fingers traced over the letters on the gravestone, trying her best to keep herself together and not cry right there.

y/n y/l/n: beloved daughter, older sister, best friend, and soulmate.

the words felt uncanny, as if they belonged in someone's nightmare, and not hers. she knelt by the grave, her knees sinking softly into the freshly cut grass, and her chest tightening with the weight of unshed tears. the air was cold and dry, carrying the faint scent of flowers and the distant murmur of the nearby river.

yunjin placed a single lily of the valley on the grave, its white petals almost glowing in the darkness. her heart ached with the pain that became all too familiar to her since y/n's death—a pain that gnawed at her insides, leaving her numb.

she hadn't eaten much in days, the thought of food hurting stomach. she sometimes wonders if it's because food was y/n's favorite thing. she'd always be eating with y/n whenever she could, but now she could barely even look at or even eat food without thinking of her.

now her clothes were loose on her, her reflection in the mirror a ghost of the loud and loving person she used to be.

"i miss you, so much," yunjin whispered, her voice trembling, "i don't—"

a sob escaped her lips.

"i don't know how to do this without you."

memories of y/n flooded her mind—y/n's laughter, the way she would scrunch her nose when she didn't like something, the way she would stick her tongue out a little bit when she was doing something, the way her embrace would make yunjin feel so safe, loved, and at home.

all of that was gone now, like a dream that slipped away the moment she opened her eyes.

yunjin stayed at the y/n's grave for what felt like hours, lost in the silence, lost in her memories, before she finally forced herself to stand. the weight of grief pressed down on her, making each step she took heavier and challenging as she made her way out of the cemetery.

she continued to walk aimlessly, her feet moving in the lonely and quiet streets of the outskirts of seoul as if they had a mind of their own. her destination was bound to happen, though; she knew where she was headed even if she didn't want to look or admit it.

then the bridge came into view, its structure arching beautifully over the river that gently streamed beneath. this was their spot, where they had spent countless nights together, talking everything and nothing, the world fading around them until it felt like they were the only ones left. yunjin's breath hitched when she stepped onto the bridge, the familiar sound of dark wood and footsteps echoing in the lifelessness.

she leaned against the old woooden railing, staring down at the water that shimmered under the light of both the moon and stars. the river was a ribbon of silver, winding through the landscape, and yunjin remember how y/n used to say it was like their love—always moving, always changing, but never ending.

the memories came crashing down on her like strong ocean waves. the first time y/n had held her hand, the electric feeling that shot right through her. the way y/n kissed her so gently under this very sky, the stars reflecting in her eyes, making her feel like she was floating. the fights they had, the tears that they shed, and the ways they'd always make up right after, because their love was stronger than that had ever tried to tear them apart,

except for this. except for death.

a sob escaped escaped yunjin's lips, and she clutched the railing as if it were the only thing keeping her from falling apart. her tears fell freely now, mixing with the cold night air as she cried for everything they had lost. for the future they had planned, for the dreams they never realize. for the love that consumed her. for the love that was still there, burning inside her, with nowhere to go.

"please," she sobbed, "i just want you back."

she leaned her body forward a little, her abdomen pressing against the dark oak railing.

"i don't know how to live without you," she whispered to the wind, her voice swallowed by the night. "i don't know if i even want to."

her sobs came out faster and louder. her entire body trembled and her heart ached with pain.

she stayed there, sobbing as she let the memories once again wash over her, until she was too exhausted to keep crying. her body felt heavy, her mind numb, and all she wanted was an escape, to find some semblenace in the silence of the night.

eventually, she pushed herself away from the railing and started walking away, her steps flow and unsteady. the streets were deserted, the city asleep, but yunjin coudn't shake the feeling that she was truly the only one alone.

when she finally reached their her apartment, she felt like she was stepping into a different world—one that was once filled with love and laughter, now cold, empty, and lifeless. yunjin shut the door behind her, leaning against it as she tried to catch her breath. her eyes then fell on a burgundy colored hoodie. it was draped over the back of the couch, the one y/n wore and took off when they had their final movie night. it still smelled like her—the comforting scent of dark amber and oud, a scent y/n always used because it reminded her of her grandpa.

yunjin walked towards the couch and gently grabbed the hoodie, pulling it over her head, and inhaling deeply. the scent wrapped around her senses, embracing her like a warm embrace, and for a moment she almost pretended y/n was still there next to her, holding her, and telling her that everything was gonna be okay.

but her illusion quickly disintegrated as quickly as it formed, and yunjin was left with nothing but the traumatizing reality of her loss. she stumbled into their her room and fell onto the bed, clutching the stitch stuffed animal that y/n had won for her at a carnival for her twenty-second birthday. it was silly, a reminder of the happier moments, but it was all she had from the girl who loved her unconditionally and had once been her everything.

yunjin curled up under the covers, the feeling of y/n's hoodie and the stuffie in her arms being the only thing to keep her from falling apart once more. she reached for the remote, her fingers shaking as she turned on the tv, navigating to their favorite show—oregairu. the familiar opening theme song played, and yunjin swore she could hear y/n's voice singing along to it.

they had watched this show millions of times. laughing at the characters when they did funny things, quoting their favorite lines, imagining themselves in the world where everything seemed simpler, where love was just another thing in life and not something that could be ripped away in the blink of an eye.

yunjin's body trembled with silent sobs, the sound of the show playing the background, a cruel and constant pain that tore through her entire being. she clutched onto her stitch tigher, as if it could somehow bring y/n back, as if she could control the universe so she could turn back time and give herself one more moment with the girl she loved.

she knew better, though. yunjin knew that life didn't and would never work that way, that some things were truly ephemeral, as fleeting as a breath, as fragile as a dream. and all she could do now was hold onto the memories, even as they threatened to consume her completely.

with the show still playing in the background, yunjin's exhaustion finally caught up to her. she buried her face into her stitch stuffie, y/n's hoodie enveloping her in it's warmth, allowing her exhaustion and the darkness to consume her. in her dreams, she was with y/n again, on the bridge, under the stars, and for a fleeting moment, everything was the way it should be.

but even in her dreams, yunjin knew that nothing lasts forever. that some loves, no matter how strong and beautiful, were destined to fade away, leaving nothing but a trail of memories and an aching void where there had once been light.

and when she woke up the next morning, the sun peaking the the blackout curtains, yunjin was alone, her stitch and hoodie being the only things with her. the weight of the world pressing down on her entirely as she only realied that the only true thing for ephemeral was hope.

[bitchiswild]

Tree Hugger

Huh Yunjin x F! Reader

Warnings: a little Angst… I think🧍‍♀️

Word Count: 1.2k

A/N: ANGST!!!! 👹

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

"Look at that tree! It looks so huggable!" Yunjin exclaimed, dashing towards it with open arms.

"Yunjin, it's dirty! Don't hug it!" cautioned Chaewon, the other girls nodding in agreement.

"So what? It's nature! Think of it as embracing Mother Nature herself! You know, someone once told me that even plants need love," Yunjin said, her eyes filled with adoration as she wrapped her arms around the tree.

Chaewon sighed, Sakura shook her head, but they both let Yunjin do her thing. Meanwhile, Kazuha and Eunchae stared in wonder at their unnie, intrigued by her enthusiasm.

“She practically does this every time she sees a tree," said Eunchae. “It's true. We went to pick up some ice cream, and she ran to a tree and hugged it. Sometimes, she even cries while hugging them,” added Kazuha, her expression reflecting confusion.

“She must have a reason,” Chaewon said as they all continued to watch Yunjin embrace the tree, tears streaming down her face. Sakura, feeling concerned, approached Yunjin and gently rested her hand on Yunjin's back for comfort. “Is everything okay, Yunjin? Why are you crying?” she asked.

Yunjin let out a shaky breath, still clinging to the tree, allowing her tears to freely flow. Worried, the other girls joined Sakura, attempting to comfort her. Suddenly, Yunjin collapsed to the ground, her cries echoing around them.

The girls, even more alarmed, gathered around Yunjin. “Yunjin, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Did the tree hurt you?” they asked in unison, their worry palpable.

Yunjin, still clutching the tree, tears streaming down her face, struggled to speak. “I-I miss her so much,” she managed to say between sobs.

The other girls exchanged worried glances, understanding the depth of Yunjin’s pain. Chaewon knelt beside her, placing a gentle hand on Yunjin’s trembling shoulder. “It’s okay, Yunjin. We're here for you. You're not alone,” she reassured, her voice filled with empathy.

Sakura, feeling Yunjin’s anguish, nodded at the others, silently urging them to offer their support. Together, they encircled Yunjin, offering their presence as a source of comfort during her moment of vulnerability.

"Who? Who do you miss?" Chaewon questioned, her tone filled with concern.

"My girlfriend," Yunjin whispered, her voice barely audible amidst her tears. The revelation left the other girls in shock; Yunjin had never shared details about her past relationships with them before.

"She's the love of my life," Yunjin whispered, her voice barely audible amidst her tears. The revelation left the other girls in shock; Yunjin had never shared details about her past relationships with them before.

"She means everything to me," Yunjin continued, her words heavy with emotion.

"Well, can't you reach out to her? Maybe she's missing you too," Eunchae suggested optimistically, her eyes beaming as if she had found the solution to ease Yunjin's pain.

"Yeah, Yunjin, just call her!" Kazuha encouraged, echoing Eunchae's sentiment. Yunjin's sobs echoed once again as she stared at her friends, their concerned faces evident.

"I can't," Yunjin muttered, tears streaming down her face.

"Why can't you?" Sakura asked gently, trying to understand. Yunjin cried into her hands, her voice muffled. "She's dead."

"What? What did you say?" Chaewon leaned in closer to Yunjin.

"I said she's dead!" Yunjin cried out, her anguish piercing the air. The realization hit the girls, their faces dropping in sorrow for their friend, understanding the depth of her heartbreak.

Chaewon, her eyes filled with empathy, reached out to Yunjin, placing a comforting hand on her trembling shoulder. "Yunjin, we're here for you. We had no idea. I'm so sorry," she said softly, her voice conveying both sadness and understanding.

Sakura and the others gathered closer, forming a protective circle around Yunjin. "You don't have to go through this alone," Sakura assured her, her voice gentle but unwavering.

Tears continued to stream down Yunjin's face as she struggled to regain composure. "I miss her so much," she whispered, her voice breaking.

Kazuha spoke up, her voice tender. "Tell us about her. Tell us about the moments you shared. Let's remember her together," she suggested, trying to offer a way for Yunjin to express her grief.

The group sat in a solemn silence, allowing Yunjin the space to share her memories if she felt comfortable. They listened intently, offering support through their presence and understanding.

"It's because she loved trees. Her name was Y/n," Yunjin began, her voice tinged with both sorrow and affection. "She was beautiful, as beautiful as she was, so was her personality. She loved nature, being around it, engulfed in it. It was her escape from everything, whether that be school or stress; it always brought her peace."

As Yunjin spoke about Y/n, memories flashed vividly in her mind, painting a bittersweet picture. "When we met, I always found it a bit awkward when we'd go out, and she'd just start hugging trees," Yunjin chuckled softly, a fond smile gracing her lips. "She always told me to appreciate the little things in life. And to make her happy, I did it along with her. We hugged every tree we deemed 'huggable.' It became a tradition we upheld, a tradition I grew to appreciate now and forever."

Her friends sat in quiet reverence, absorbing the story of Yunjin and Y/n's shared connection with nature. Understanding dawned on their faces, realizing that each tree Yunjin embraced was an embrace shared with her girlfriend, an intimate tie to their bond.

"I never knew," murmured Eunchae, her eyes glistening with empathy.

Yunjin nodded, a tear escaping her eye. "It's my way of keeping her spirit alive. Each tree carries a piece of her, and hugging them brings me closer to the memories we shared."

Her friends nodded in understanding, now seeing Yunjin's tree-hugging ritual as not just a gesture but a beautiful tradition, a poignant tribute to the love she had lost. They surrounded her, offering silent support and a newfound appreciation for the depth of her feelings.

"She sounds like an amazing person," Chaewon said, embracing Yunjin tightly. "She was; you guys would've loved her," Yunjin replied, her eyes red from crying.

"We already love her. If she loves you, we love her," Sakura said, offering a small, supportive smile.

"From now on, Yunjin unnie, we will hug every tree we deem huggable for Y/n," Eunchae declared, placing her hand in the center.

"For Y/n," Chaewon affirmed, placing her hand on top of Eunchae's.

"For Y/n," echoed Sakura and Kazuha, joining in, their hands forming a united circle.

Yunjin's tears flowed once again, but this time, they were tears of gratitude and comfort. She felt overwhelmed by her members' support and love, knowing that with them by her side, everything would eventually be alright.

"For Y/n," Yunjin said, adding her hand to the circle, her voice filled with a mix of sorrow and determination.

In that shared moment, amidst the rustling leaves and the quiet hum of nature, Yunjin and her friends stood encircling the tree. They whispered their heartfelt dedication, "For Y/n," their voices a soft promise that their love would endure.

With each embrace of the tree, they honored Y/n's memory, their tradition becoming a beautiful symbol of their bond. Yunjin, feeling the serenity of the moment, whispered silently, "I love you, Y/n. Rest easy, baby," the words carrying a bittersweet farewell.

As the sun cast its golden hues, they felt a sense of peace, knowing that Y/n's spirit would forever live on in their shared tradition. With a final heartfelt hug, they turned, walking away, yet carrying Y/n's love in their hearts, a testament to the timeless strength of their friendship and the enduring power of love.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[laurentpark]

Losing Me — Huh Yunjin

Pairing: huh yunjin X actress! Reader

Summary: you were willing to throw everything out just for her, but will she do the same?

Genre: angst.

Warnings: falling out of love, heartbreak, rejection, relationship problems, things like that, the other members not making an appearance

A/N: first time writing. hope this isn't too bad for my first work 🙏 also keep in mind english isn't my first language so forgive me for bad grammar.

You and Yunjin have been together for years. Six to be exact.

Despite being together for a long time, you can still recall the day you confessed to her, the very first date you had, the very first kiss, and also the very first time you two said those three words to each each other. I love you. However, you can also recall the day where your relationship with took an unfortunate turn.

It was a beautiful summer night where it was just the two of you. No fans. No members. No cameras. Just the two of you, and a small box in your pocket that contained a beautiful emerald ring.

You mustered up all your courage and confessed your love and devotion to her.

And finally, you kneeled your knee to the ground and slipped off those words off your tongue,

"Will you marry me?"

And her answer has been stuck with you ever since.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

Ever since then, everything seems to be falling apart.

"You don't understand, Y/N. You never will." Yunjin states, gritting her teeth while she attempts to walk away from you. "I can't risk it right now. I can't risk my job. I can't risk the members as well, you know this is a bad idea not only for me but for them as well."

"Oh please, don't even pull that card on me!" You argue back to her, a frown tugging your lips. You sigh and grab Yunjin's hand so she won't walk away.

She narrows her eyes at you with a skeptic look, "What are you doing?"

"Just listen," You sigh out. "I know you don't understand but can you at least try to? You aren't the only one who's risking their career."

This was the thing that confused you the most. Yes, Yunjin is a member of one of the world's most popular kpop group and the news of her being in a relationship let alone getting married would be a disaster, but she wasn't the only who's career is going down.

You, a popular and well-known actress both in Korea and globally. You've starred in many popular kdramas and films so it confused you to why Yunjin said she can't risk her career.

You are willing to sacrifice everything just for her, so why can't she do the same?

And then it clicked.

"Don't you..." You frown and loosen your grip on her. "Don't you want to settle down with me?"

Her silence fills the room. Yunjin licks her lip and opens her mouth, but no words came out.

"Jen?" You call out her name, your heart beginning to break itself piece-to-piece as her silence was getting longer.

The tension was then cut off by the ring of her phone.

She forcefully lets go of my hand and turns her back, opening her phone.

"I have to go. My manager said they need me."

"Jen, you can't be serious-"

"I'm sorry."

You watch her walk away while you stood there with shattered heart.

Five years ago

"This place is gigantic! I really like the light!"

You let an amused chuckle escape from your lips as your girlfriend admired your new apartment, checking every room there as you stood there, furrowing your brows in confusion.

"Out of all the things here, the light is the thing you find the most fascinating?"

"Good lighting means good pictures." She shrugged off as you laughed at her witty comment. A proud look appears on her face as she stared at you, lovingly, "I'm so proud at how far you've come, Y/N! Just a year ago, I used invite you to our dorm to eat with my members because I was worried you didn't have the money to have a meal and now here you are! An apartment in gangnam. Must be nice to have this place all to your self."

You blushed at her words and couldn't help but get flustered. You smiled at her and held her hand to give it a squeeze.

She looked at you confused, "Hm? What's wrong?"

"The reason why I actually picked this place is because..." You paused for a second before continuing, "I've been thinking about it and I really want you to move in with me. We've been together for a year now and-"

You noticed the shock look on the american's face.

"But it's completely fine if you don't want to as well-"

She cuts you off as she jumped towards you, to give a big hug and crashed her lips onto yours. You widened your eyes in shock but smiled regardless because of this action.

You two pull away with a giddy smile placed on both your faces.

"Of course I'd move in with you, dummy. I love you too much to reject your offer."

"I love you too. So much. You have no idea how happy you make me." You spread your arms, giving her a sign to hug you again to which she nods her head and agreed.

After you two pulled away from the hug, Jennifer took your phone as you looked at her in confusion.

"Let's take a picture!"

You two posed for the camera and you tilted your head in shock after looking at the selfie.

"You were right, the light is nice..."

She laughed at your comment and gave you playful punch on the shoulder, "See?"

Now

Where'd all the time go?

You stared at the picture where Yunjin took a picture of you and her together after moving in together. You recalled how you two loved this home because of the light.

Now you were the only one inside, sitting in the dark.

You let out a sigh escape from your lips and shut off your phone, completely leaving you in the dark with no source of light.

Yunjin's silence is stuck inside your mind. The fact she didn't even answer when you asked if she wanted to even marry you left a hole inside your heart and you have no idea if there was anything she could do to fix it.

You huged your knees and kept your head down, thinking.

I wouldn't marry me either.

Was it time? Were you willing to throw out everything despite being together for many years, or keep it?

Was it better to just let it go than to foolishly hold onto something that's slipping away from you?

You groaned in frustration, you were getting tired of the constant overthinking and the voices inside your head, telling you she no longer wanted you. Shaking your head at the thought, you drag your legs towards the living room to turn on the TV, hoping that something-anything will keep your mind off Yunjin.

The news channel pops up. A frown tugs your lips and your eyes widen at the headline you were seeing.

ENHYPEN JAY AND LE SSERAFIM YUNJIN SPOTTED ON A DATE TOGETHER IN HAN RIVER.

Your phone lights and like magic, Yunjin's name appears on the notification bar.

'Don't turn on the TV or open your phone until I get home'

That was the final blow.

The first thing Yunjin saw once she got home was your ice glare. She sighs at your look and walks over to you.

"Let me explain-"

"Save it." You grit your teeth and stood up from the couch. "I've been waiting for you all day while you've been out with your little boy toy having fun together-*

"Jay and I are just friends!" She states and looks at you softly, she gets closer to her and takes your hand to caress it. "Jay and I were just hanging out together and people took those pictures of us, thinking the wrong thing. Please, baby, I would never. I love you."

"How can you say that while you can't even tell you've been killing me all this time?"

You've tried to fight it. You really did. Ever since her rejection to your proposal to the news of her 'dating' scandal, you've been fighting your feelings and urge to cry and break down. However it was only a matter of time that you can hide your pain and melancholy.

A sob escapes from your lips as tears was now running down your cheeks.

Yunjin immediately rushes to hug you to calm you down, "Shh, baby... please don't cry. I'm sorry. I really am. I mean it. I love you."

She massages your back, while hugging you all this time while you wipe down your tears

After a few minutes, you begin to calm down and your cries weren't as bad as they used to be.

You took a deep breath before looking at Yunjin with a defeated look placed on your face. She frowns at your action. This isn't good. She thought.

"I think we should end this. Our relationship. It would be for the best."

"... W-what?" She stutters in disbelief. She looks at you as if you were saying the most unbelievable thing ever.

"You're losing me, Jen." A frown tugs your lips down. "And I'm losing you too. Whatever we're both doing to each other, isn't healthy at all."

"No. No, no, no. Baby, stop it. We're fine! Let's go order some food and watch a movie-"

"Jennifer!" She flinches at you yelling at her full name. "I mean it. We should end this."

She grits her teeth and shakes her head, "You're throwing everything we built during our time together all for a stupid and fake news? That's unbelievable-"

"It's not just that." You emphasize on the word just. You sigh and look down, avoiding her gaze. "Everything we built is falling apart, Jen. There's no use to keeping it."

"Yes, there is!" She denies your claims, and grabs by the shoulder, forcing you to look at her. "Y/N, why are you doing this? Why now? Don't you know how much I love you?"

"Oh really?" You scoff and let her grip on your shoulders go. "Then why won't you marry me then?"

She frowns and closes her eyes, sighing. "YN- we've been over this-"

"Why did you stay silent when I asked you if you even wanted to marry me earlier?"

She kept her mouth shut. Refusing to say anything.

"Say something!" You demand but she stayed silent. "Do something! Your career won't be the only thing affected if we both get married, you know that right? But I'm willing to risk it. Risk everything I've built and worked hard for, just for you and I can get married."

She still stays silent during the whole situation.

"Can you do the same, Jennifer?"

Say yes, please. You pleaded her with your eyes.

You waited. You waited, waited, and waited. Waiting for her to do or say something. Anything. Anything that there is she wanted to do was better than just the silence she's been giving you all this time, but still, there was only silence in the entire room.

And her silence only meant one thing.

"Goodbye, Jennifer. I truly do wish nothing but the best for your career."

[cupiddior]

ART DECO— kazuha nakamura

“you’re so art deco out on the floor, shinning like gun metal cold and unsure.”

warnings: implied eating disorder, angst, hurt comfort, cheating (not on reader or kazuha) non idol! kazuha x figure skater reader

kazuha shifted uncomfortably in her seat, wrapping her fuzzy sweater around her the coldness of the rink blazing through her.

she leaned softly against her girlfriend, as she watched the most graceful girl she’s ever seen on the rink, she watched as the sparkles reflect from the skater, she looked like an angel so graceful.

kazuha has seen a lot of graceful people in her time of life, I mean she’s a ballerina for sake, but this girl has got to be the best.

“your sister is amazing.” she said quietly to her lover, as she links her arm with them.

yujin, her amazing girlfriend, they met at the starting of the school year, it was her first year in university and she was lost and she bumped into yujin and she was lost as well, turns out they had the same class and found it together and the rest is history.

she knew yujin had a younger sister but this was her first time seeing her, yujin invited her to come to her sisters figure skating competition and how could she say no ?

they both clapped as you finished off with a edge jump.

yujin grabbed kazuha’s hand and pulled her up from her seat, “come on.” she mumbled. “where are we going ?” she stuttered out following yujin down the steps. “going to see the star.”

kazuha followed yujin to the back, where she’s guessing you are, they make it to their destination but end up flinching away when they hear a loud yell.

“what the hell was that!?” they heard a sturn voice say, she peaks to see what’s going on, only to see what looks like you with your head down and who she’s guessing your coach oh how she knows how that feels.

“that was a mess, that’s what I’ll tell you.” your coach says looking at you in disgust. “your ending was sloppy.”

sloppy ? she thought you did good

“how is my best skater also my worst?” she said snatching your towel from your hand.

“tomorrow, you will be at the rink at 5 am to 12 am.” she said walking away from you. “and don’t argue with me and I swear if a see one tear fall from your eye.” and with that she left.

kazuha hears you let out a deep exhale before taking off your skates and putting on your miumiu flats.

she looks at yujin with the concern but the girl looks like she’s used to seeing you get yelled at like that, she grabs her hand and pulls kazuha with her towards you.

“y/n/n.” yujin says sitting beside you, “you did amazing today.” kazuha smiles at how soft yujin is being with you.

“I know.”

kazuha’s eyes widened in surprise and the sternness in your voice. huh

“but amazing isn’t enough.”

yujin winced at the harshness in her little sister’s voice, she looked at kazuha giving her an apologetic look, “um, well I brought someone special.”

that’s when you look up, your eyes widened when you made eye contact with kazuha, you straightened your poster before looking at your sister, “you never told me you were bringing her.”

yujin shrugged, “I thought it would be a nice surprise.”

“you just had to bring her to my worst performance?”

that’s when kazuha cut in, “I actually thought your performance was amazing.”

she watched as you inhaled sharply, as if her saying that your performance was amazing was an insult. “I need to nap.” was all you said, before walking away in the direction that your coach went.

kazuha turned to yujin witha tight smile on her face, “well, she’s lovely.” she says sarcastically.

yujin sat up and laughed, “yeah, I’m sorry, she’s just going through a lot.” she said grabbing kazuha’s hand. “she has a lot of pressure on her, you know with having to be perfect, you understand don’t you ?”

kazuha nodded, “of course I understand, I just wish I met her when her mind is in a better place.”

“it hasn’t been in a better place for years, so it wouldn’t make a difference.”

kazuha looked at her with concern and yujin just returned a weak smile. “she’s been doing figure skating since she’s was five, things started getting to her head when she was fourteen entering high school, now she’s in her last year of high school and it has just gotten worse.” she shook her head with disgust. “and our parents don’t really care much, all they can think about is the big star that my sister is going to become, and the amount of money that she’ll bring to the family.”

a heavy feeling made it’s way to kazuha’s chest, oh how she knew that feeling of needing to be perfect, it has gotten to her head, but she always tried to stop herself from getting bad.

she feels bad for you, she wants to help you, I mean you are her girlfriends little sister.

“maybe I can talk to her tomorrow, you can give me the address to her rink and I can pop in, you know.”

yujin smiles, “you can try, but it can’t promise you won’t get a few insults thrown at you.” she laughs.

with that, they left to yujin’s car.

“that was really good.”

kazuha watched as you flinched at voice, when she came in she say you practicing and decided not to bother you.

her gaze follows you as you skated towards the seating area, your eyes sharp on her “what are you doing here ?”

she smiled softly at you, “I didn’t really get to talk to you yesterday, so yujin gave me the address to the rink.”

she watched your hands as they adjust your, tight pink zip up sweater, before looking back up at you, “I also brought some pastries.” she said pointing at the box.

you look at her in shock, “I can’t eat those, are you crazy.”

she narrows her eyes at you, “why’s that ?”

“I need to stay my weight or lighter.”

“who told you that?”

“mrs kim.”

she rolls her eyes, and pats the seat beside her. “can you sit with me for a second?”

you look at her suspiciously before hesitatingly sitting beside her, “I understand yn.”

you look at her with fake confusion, but she can see you slowly crumbling. “what ?”

“I understand yn.”

and with that, you just broke down crying.

kazuha wrapped her arms around you in a hug as you sobbed into her chest. “I’m gonna help you, it’s gonna be okay.”

it’s been two months since that day, and everyday, kazuha has been helping you through your problems, while also balancing her relationship with yujin.

she walked into the rink, a box of pastries in hand, ready to watch you practice, but she came to a stop when she heard yelling.

“that was terrible!” oh she recognized that voice. “you’re never gonna be ready for the competition, and you want to go to the olympics ?” your coach laughed.

“you’re a mess, and you’ve gained weight, loose it.”

kazuha tensed when watched the coach the walk out the rink.

she walked closer and saw you sitting on one the benches, whispering to yourself.

“don’t cry”

kazuha awkwardly sat beside you and put the box of pastries in her lap, “it’s okay yn.”

you turned your face towards her, and it was like all her hard work for the past months went all to waste, you were back at square one.

she opened the box of pastries and handed you a croissant.

you looked at it in disgust and threw it on the ground. “she’s right.”

kazuha looked at you in shock, “your coach?” she asked in disbelief.

you sit up, “yes, she’s right, I am sloppy, I am a mess, I am gaining weight.” tears start to form in your eyes. “this is all your fault!” you yell at.

“what ?”

“you keep giving me these stupid pastries.” you grab them from her lap. “claiming that you’re gonna help me.” you threw them on the ground. “look at me!”

“you made it worse.”

it’s kazuha’s turn to stand up and yell, “I do care!” she says getting in your face. “I’m probably the only person who actually does.”

she puts your face in both of her hands “I care about you yn.”

you both stare at each other for a second, before kazuha pulls your face closer to hers, pressing her lips gently onto your own.

she lets out a hum, when she feels you kissing her back, she wraps her arms around your waist pulling you closer to her but she feels you pull back.

you pull away from her lips and look at her in shock, “what did you do?”

she looks at you in confusion.

“you’re dating my sister.” you step away from her. “oh my gosh, you’re dating my sister, we just kissed and your dating my sister. you ramble.

kazuha’s heart drops, she’s a cheater, she wasn’t even thinking she just wanted you.

“I think it’s best if you stop coming by.”

your voice snaps her out of her thoughts.

“what yn-”

“please leave kazuha.”

[imfearlessfics]

Chapter 6: The First Post

Song: Antifragile by LE SSERAFIM, No Celestial by LE SSERAFIM, Sour Grapes by LE SSERAFIM

Pairing: Yunjin x female reader

Genre: Romance, forbidden love

Warnings: Language, angst

Word count: 3.2k

The day was finally here. The first TikTok post of the new comeback schedule! We’ve been working tirelessly putting together dozens of drafts that we can post over the next few weeks. Getting to spend time with the girls was a huge bonus, but getting to do what I enjoy every single day with such an incredible support system was at the center of it all. I’ve been so proud of the work that I do, and it wouldn’t have been possible without their music pushing me through. We’ve been joined at the hip so that I could capture the “behind-the-scenes” style videos of them getting ready for the comeback. If they were awake and conscious, I was there with my camera or phone capturing as much of it as they were comfortable with. 

There were obvious benefits to being around them so much over the last two months, not the least of which being my growing friendship with such amazing women. As a unit, they’re unstoppable. Hardworking, dedicated, and so freakin’ talented. But part of this comeback is stripping back the curtain, and getting to understand their individual approaches to their work. Though they all share a common dream, each of their motivations for being here and their execution of their work is unique, and it’s important to show that to the fans. I hope it humanizes them a little, and it also gives me ample time to develop a true friendship with them, which will make our lives much easier as time goes on and I continue to make content for them. 

Working with Kazuha was humbling. To see her take charge of her goals despite being far from her home and her family was so motivating. She would sometimes stumble here or there, forgetting a phrase or vocabulary word, but I made it my mission to be a support in those moments. We developed a bond over our shared experiences of leaving home to pursue a career here, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. I wanted her to feel comfortable, so I encouraged her to speak Japanese and share parts of her culture in some of the videos and insisted we’d find a translator to add subtitles later. She seems appreciative of the opportunity, and it’s only helped us grow closer. I love asking her questions about her hometown, and she does the same with me. I can’t wait to keep showing the fans what an incredible woman she is. 

Sakura was no different, though she’d had more experience with working here in South Korea, so I tried to focus on that. How has her perspective of the industry changed over the years? How have you grown as an artist in South Korea? Would you ever want to have a hand in writing some of your Japanese singles? She was so eager to share her ambitions, and I fell in love with her enthusiasm. Her energy is just so magnetic, and she is a hustler at heart. 

It took a little longer to develop that same rapport with Chaewon, but not for any bad reasons. She is the leader, so she has a ton of weight and responsibility on her shoulders. I knew her focus was ensuring that all the members have a fun and safe comeback, and that’s exactly what I wanted to highlight. The way she cares for each of the members was incredibly endearing, and her love for them is an everyday thing, so finding those moments where her leadership shines wasn’t difficult at all. Filling up Eunchae’s water bottle when she noticed it was running low, giving the last bite of her meal to Kazuha to ensure she wouldn’t get hungry during practice, and so many more moments that I was able to capture. Even if we didn’t develop a super close friendship over the last couple of months, we’ve grown to respect and admire one another, and that meant the world. 

Working with Eunchae was … an experience. She really is a maknae in every sense of the word! A carefree spirit with so much wonder and excitement to be working in this industry - she must be protected at all costs. With her being the youngest in a group with two seasoned members, it’s easy to attribute her professionalism to having unnies with more experience. And while they absolutely play a huge part in helping to guide her, I really wanted to shine a light on her individuality. What does she like to do when she’s not being an idol? When does she have a spare moment to just be a kid? She was thrilled to have small pockets of the day to show me her hobbies outside of performing, and I can’t wait for people to get a whole new perspective on her. 

And of course, working with Yunjin was…not like work at all. It was effortless, in fact. Getting content figured out for her was probably the easiest since she knew from the get-go what she wanted to showcase, which was her songwriting. She let me see what her writing process was like, how it always starts with her and a guitar and a story, and it was so beautiful to be a part of that. But between getting shots of her playing the guitar or writing lyrics in her journal, hanging out with her was like hanging out with your closest childhood friend. We’d paint each others’ nails, watch our favorite music videos - being around her was like when you’d meet someone in Kindergarten and instantly become best friends. I suppose we both missed out on those kinds of experiences growing up. She worked tirelessly to follow her dreams of becoming an idol, and I was … well I was too anxious to try and make friends growing up. Now that we get to do what we love, we have some time to do what we never got to. We’d go to the convenience store down the street to grab our favorite snacks and just talk for hours about anything and everything. Yunjin and I were almost inseparable, and I know it’s dumb of me to let my heart think for me, but it really seems like she feels it too. I don’t know what “it” is, but I know that I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life. The way we can laugh about absolutely nothing. The way I wanna tell her every secret I’ve ever known. The way that I trust her when she tells me I’m doing a good job - I just can’t help but wonder if …

It was clear that we had become the closest, but I was careful to keep it professional. There is no way that anyone could chalk it up to anything more than a friendship between two people who happen to share a home country. That being said, I know I shouldn’t have, but I sometimes let myself forget that at the end of the day, my time with her was technically work. 

Oh shoot - I was talking about work, wasn’t I? 

Anyways, after several hours of editing, the first post looks something like this: various shots of the members getting hair and makeup done, clips from the dance practices, outfit fittings, recording sessions, and clips from my one-on-one time with them. Snippets of their upcoming single cut in and out until the screen goes black and the audio cuts out altogether - then a clear shot of them performing the killing part of the choreography as a single line from the chorus plays. I was SO excited about how it turned out, and it even went over really well at the meeting from hell that Ha-Rin made me conduct. The girls absolutely loved it, so that was all that mattered to me. 

We were about two hours out from making the post, so there was a meeting to go over the final details before our lives became a (functional) garbage fire while we navigated the comeback. Ha-Rin sauntered in to begin the meeting, and before I knew it, I was just 5 minutes away from posting my first real piece of work for the entire world to see. I stared at the clock with a pit in my stomach and counted down the minutes until -

5…4…3…2…1.

The comeback has officially started, my dream is finally coming to fruition, and I … am pretty sure I’m gonna throw up. Our meeting ends with applause from the whole team, but there is a collective breath being held. LE SSERAFIM’s rapid global success is only (ridiculously) intimidating, and all of us have a part to play in keeping the momentum going. 

I rush to the dorms to celebrate with the girls, and as soon as I knock, all 5 of them sweep me into the biggest hug. I wanted to make sure that they felt confident and had a say in their content as well, so I even invited them to edit alongside me so I could get their input.  

“Y/n - we have to celebrate! Dinner tonight? On us?!” Eunchae exclaims.  

“Well, technically it’s dinner on daepyonim, but still,” Chaewon chimes in. We all laugh and that thankfully pulls me out of my ridiculous thoughts of my … friendship with Yunjin. 

“I think it would be fun if we all hung out before tomorrow. It’s gonna get crazy!” Yunjin says as she hooks her arm with mine, and I’m pulled back into my ridiculous thoughts of my friendship with her, and I remember a moment from a couple weeks back.

-Flashback-

“Jen! Can you focus for two seconds? I’m so close to getting this shot perfect!” I playfully complained. Whenever a schedule is taking a particularly long time, she gets a little stir crazy, and it’s impossible to calm her down. But fuck if it isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Right now, she’s sprawled out on the couch in the dressing room between takes, and she refuses to move. She has the biggest shit-eating grin l’ve ever seen, and everytime I try to get near her to pull her up off the couch, she reaches out to try and pull me down with her. 

“Y/n it’s been like 4 hours since we started!” She pouts. I remind her that it has in fact only been a whopping 45 minutes, and we are almost done. She laughs and tries again to yank me down. 

Could I have put up a bigger fight? Absolutely. But she was just sooo fast and I “somehow” ended up falling down on the couch next to her and -

“YES! I finally got you! You have to learn to relax and enjoy the little moments of peace, y/n. In just a couple of weeks, we’re barely gonna have time to breathe!” The irony of that statement is that I actually can’t breathe RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW because we are closer than we’ve ever been before on a little couch in a tucked away dressing room and I’m getting so red and I don’t know if she can tell how much I am freaking out right - 

“Y/n, are you okay? You’re so tense!” She sits up abruptly and pulls me to sit up in front of her. 

“Oh my gosh it’s because I mentioned the comeback, huh? Listen, I know you must be terrified. I was too right before debut, but you know what helped a ton? Breathing exercises. Let me walk you through some. Close your eyes and hold my hands.” She’s doing this on purpose. She has to be doing this on purpose. Can she seriously not see that it’s not the comeback making me this way but her? 

“Breathe in your nose for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and breathe out for 7. We’ll do it together.” She gently says, and for a few minutes that’s all we do. It works, of course, but she has no clue that I needed to calm down for entirely different reasons. 

We finally open our eyes only to find the other staring right back, but we don’t pull away. We just kind of … lingered there. She’s still holding my hands when she says, “How do you feel now?”

“A lot better, Jen.” I shyly reply. “Thank you.”

A few more beats pass and it hits us just how close we are. I also can’t help but get that same eerie feeling that there was another pair of eyes on us, but it’s gone before I can give it a second thought. She gently takes her hands back leaving coldness in their wake. 

“You probably already know how to do those kinds of exercises, huh? I know that you get pretty…nervous before meetings sometimes with the higher ups.” She notices so much, even when it seems miniscule to others. It’s one of the things I lov - really admire about her. 

“You’ve seen that, huh?” I look down to avoid the embarrassment that comes with talking about my anxiety. Even though I feel so much more comfortable with her than I have with anyone in a long time, it’s still difficult to talk about. “I’ve had anxiety since I was little. It’s not a big deal or anything - just … always there. Always making the really small things feel really big, you know?” I don’t admit to her that the “small” thing making me so anxious is actually my raging crush on her, and the fact that this crush could ruin not only my career, but hers if it ever got out, so I let her believe it’s still about the upcoming comeback. 

“I don’t think those things are small, y/n. If they’re big to you, then they’re big. And that’s okay.” She looks almost offended that I downplayed it, but it’s quickly replaced with such warmness I forget to breathe for a second. “Y/n, you know you can come to me with anything, right? Shoot me a text at any time of day and just know that even if I can’t respond right away, I will always read it as soon as possible. You’ve done so much for us - let someone else do something for you, okay?” 

Why does she have to make it so damn difficult to not fall for her?  

“Thank you, Jen. Seriously. Your friendship means … so much to me. You have no idea.” I say sincerely. Even if I wasn’t ready to give my whole heart to her, I truly do value these past couple of months. Getting to know her and the other members has been the highlight of my time here so far, and I know it’s just going to get better and better. That is, if I don’t ruin this whole thing by ever sharing my feelings with her and I keep my heart on a strict lockdown until the end of time.

Easy enough. 

-End of Flashback-

“Dinner sounds great! Lead the way!” I say cheerfully, though deep down I know that more time with Jen means less and less of a chance that I can ignore my growing feelings for her. 

We head to a restaurant a few blocks from the company to save their driver a ride, and we spend the next few hours laughing and chatting and relishing our last day before the hectic schedules start tomorrow. 

“That’s not even true! Oh my gosh you’re such a liar!” Chaewon jokingly shouts at Sakura, who’s sharing a very interesting story about a small-time crush she apparently had on a staff member when she first joined the company. 

“Chaewon?! Chaewon are you still there? I can’t see past the redness emanating from your cheeks right now” Sakura throws back, and we all giggle until our stomachs hurt. 

“Get real, Kkura - we barely have time to focus on ourselves, let alone a crush!” Eunchae giggles, but she shoots an almost imperceptible glance my way, and my heart drops a little. No one at the table noticed it, but it was crystal clear that she wanted to send a message, however small. 

“I have to pee SO bad, oh my goodness. Anyone else need to use the restroom?” Kazuha says. Yunjin, Chaewon, and Sakura follow her, and the universe manages to leave me and the only other member who seems to have an inkling of what’s happening at the table…alone. 

A silence ensues for just a few moments, but it feels like the weight of an elephant rests on my chest before Eunchae finally speaks up. 

“Unnie. You know I love you, right? That we all do?” She looks at me with so much sadness in her eyes that I know the next words out of her mouth won’t - can’t - be taken back, and that somehow makes everything so much more real.

Maybe if I play dumb - if I deny that anything is happening at all - then this conversation won’t bring any illusions I may have had crashing down to the ground beneath me. 

“Of course I do. I … I love you guys too, of course. And - and I’m so excited for tomorrow and …” The sentence dies on my tongue, and the look on her face twists into one of pain. 

“Unnie - please. If you think the last few months have been busy…the next few will feel almost impossible. We barely get any sleep, we hardly get a chance to even sit down. It’s hard to find a moment for ourselves let alone … for someone else.” I can tell that she feels horribly guilty for what she’s saying … without actually saying. But it hurts all the same. 

“No of course. I - I want to help in any way that I can. I’ll be there - for each of you - whenever you need! Are you worried that I won’t?” Playing dumb can only get me so far, but the truth is a hair’s breadth away from being put out into the universe, and the second that it does, I don’t get to pretend anymore. 

“Y/n unnie, I - I see the way you look at her.” Eunchae reaches over to grab my hand. “At first, I truly believed you two were getting so close because you both are from America! That’s why I pushed so hard for you two to have some alone time on that first day! I loved that she had someone that she could relate to and could share stories with but…but, a couple weeks ago. In the dressing room? I saw the way you looked at her. And she -” She cuts herself off, but what was she about to say about Jen? And how could I have been so careless as to not notice that someone had stumbled upon our … moment? “It doesn’t matter, unnie. And I am so sorry but please - please - promise me, you won’t act on this.” 

I can see in her eyes how guilty she feels, so I simply nod. “Eunchae?” I whisper.

“Yes, unnie?” 

“Does anyone else know?” 

“No, unnie. Just me. I think the other unnies truly believe you’re just friends.” Her head is hung, and I wish I knew why her heart seems to be just as broken as mine right now. 

I can’t say much else because we hear the girls coming back, so we quickly adjust ourselves and pretend the last few minutes never happened. An almost impossible feat.

The night goes on and we continue to enjoy our time together … as friends. 

Because as Eunchae so delicately reminded me, that’s all any of us will ever get to be.

______________________________________________________________

HOLY HELL Y'ALL I am so sorry for the 3 month disappearance. Life has been wildly busy, but I finally found it in me to get some writing done, so here we are! I made it longer than usual, so hopefully that makes up for the fact that I GHOSTED everyone. So sorry again! Hope you enjoy!

[jwcnsz]

lesserafim masterlist

sakura;

nothing (yet!)

chaewon;

nothing (yet!)

yunjin;

nothing (yet!)

kazuha;

nothing (yet!)

eunchae;

nothing (yet!)

ot5 + combos;

lesserafim as gfs <3

more works coming soon!!