Alright
Kaz Brekker x Reader (pronouns and descriptions not specified)
Summary: You’ve been flirting with Kaz ever since you started working as his bartender. Systematic rejection gets tiring after a while, but sometimes all you need is a good chat and a large bottle of vodka.
Warnings: mentions of child abuse, PTSD, touch aversion, but it’s still overall kinda cute. Well, I mean, it has a happy ending. Oh, and drinking. Not underage, though, cause 19 is of legal drinking age in Europe and I’m saying that Ketterdam follows the (much superior) European drinking laws
Word Count: 3.2k words
Estimated Reading Time: 13 minutes
A/N: I am a weak, weak human being, and broken hot guys will be the death of me. I tried to resist it. I failed MISERABLY. I blame Grace.
Now for the actual important shit: The plot is basically all Netflix series but I added Wylan cause from what I’ve read about him he’s awesome and basically all of the location knowledge and stuff came from the Grishaverse fandom Wikipedia thing. Also, I can’t actually remember if the Crow Club has a bar but given that every club/casino type thing I’ve gone to has a bar, I’m adding it in. If there isn’t one, just imagine there is. I haven’t read the books yet but I will DEFINITELY get on it now that I have the time soooo, yeah.
Masterlist
Being a bartender for the Crow Club wasn’t too bad. Sure, it had its downsides, like working much later than many other bars, being in gang territory and most of your customers being gang members, and some of them showing up with blood-stained faces, and blood-stained knuckles, and blood-stained shirts, and blood-stained everything really.
But the upsides highly outnumbered the downsides. For one, the pay was amazing. Kaz Brekker may be a known and feared criminal but he was a just employer and made sure to pay his staff well. Obviously, since you worked, lived, and served Fifth Harbor, you were under Kaz’s, and by association, the Dregs’, protection, which was a very good advantage. You were safe, protected, and financially secure, which is more than most of the Barrel’s inhabitants could say.
All in all, pretty solid gig.
“So, (Y/n), ready to take off your ban, now?”
You looked up from the glass you were cleaning to stare at the one and only Jesper Dumbass Fahey.
“Absolutely not.”
He sighed and tried to win you over with puppy dog eyes, as he always did, but you were above that.
“Come on, love, don’t be mean to me.”
You set the cup down and squinted your eyes at him.
“He’s too pure for you to just destroy, leave my little brother alone.”
“You’re not even related!”
“Did I ask?”
“And you’ve known him for like, a month!”
“I repeat, did I ask?”
“We’ve been besties for two years!”
“Which is exactly why I’m keeping him away from your filthy hands!”
“Oh, hey guys, whatcha talking about?”
You straightened up immediately and smiled at Wylan, ruffling his curls affectionately.
“It was nothing, don’t worry about it, Sweetie. How’d your little expedition go?”
His blue eyes sparkled as he told you all about his day’s events, most likely dramatising some things but you’d let it pass. As the youngest member of the Dregs, he hadn’t yet been completely pushed over to the dark side and still remained the bubbly happy kid the group dragged in a little over a month ago.
“Well, it sounds to me like you did an amazing job, Sunshine.”
Jesper seemed to not want to keep him kind, sweet, and innocent, however, as he was hell-bent on shagging him, which you would not under any circumstances let happen. You’ve seen your fair share of women and men buy a drink just to pour it over his head as revenge. There was no way you’d let him become just another one of his conquests.
“Oh, um, thanks Jes, that’s really nice of you.”
Except that your poor little angel was falling right into that incubi’s trap. Damn hot guys, they’ll be the death of you.
“(Y/n), get me a drink.”
Speaking of hot guys.
“Oh hey there Kaz, fancy seeing you here.”
You smiled and blinked your lashes at him, already working on getting his usual. Inej hid her smile from behind her drink, while the two boys watched your interaction with rapt attention, as per usual. Kaz, for his part, just clenched his jaw and attempted to look as bored as one could.
“Well, it is my club, or did you forget who pays you?”
“How could I ever forget the handsome devil that keeps me warm and safe?”
You set his drink in front of him and rested your elbows on the bartop, lips pulled into a bright grin and eyes full of mirth. He stared at you, still as unreadable as ever, and downed the drink in one go, gaze never leaving yours.
“I have business to attend to in my office, so unless the Harbor suddenly catches fire, I don’t want to be disturbed.”
And with that, he left, much to your disappointment.
“And that’s day how many of failing to flirt your way into his pants?”
You kept your eyes on the empty spot he left behind, lips pulled into a pout.
“Five-hundred and fifty-eight, not that I’m counting.”
Inej answered and you straightened up glaring at the two Crows.
“You guys are awful friends. This is why Wylan is my favourite.”
The aforementioned blonde smiled at you.
“Don’t worry, (Y/n), I bet it’ll work someday! You’re an awesome person, there’s no way he wouldn’t wanna date you.”
Bless his innocent heart.
----------
“(Y/n), my usual.”
You smiled and pulled the bottle label ‘For The Boss’ from the shelf. No one but him had the right to it.
“Right away, sir. Also, I think you should invest in some better alcohol.”
He frowned and stopped with the tumbler halfway to his face.
“What do you mean, is anyone complaining about the drinks?”
You pursed your lips.
“Well, not yet, but I wouldn’t want them to start attacking you once they realise you’re the most intoxicating thing here.”
You smiled at the barely-there blush on his cheeks, and couldn’t stop your disappointed pout as he made his way into his office, tumbler still in hand.
“Day five-hundred and ninety-seven was unsuccessful.”
You turned your head to see Jesper much too close to Wylan and took your water-filled spray bottle, spraying the older one’s head and upper body until he was at a respectable distance.
----------
“My usual.”
You dropped it in front of him, already having started to prepare it the minute he walked into the club.
“You know, I don’t understand how you can still be so energetic every day. Don’t you get tired from running through my dreams all night?”
He locked his jaw, but you noticed how he was biting the inside of his lip as if trying to suppress a smile. That’s progress, right? You tried harder and harder to convince yourself of that as you were faced with his back once more.
“Six-hundred and three.”
You took the glass from Inej’s hands and drank it all in one go.
----------
“Are you a Heartrender? Cause when I saw you, my heart stopped.”
“Six-hundred and eleven.”
----------
“Are you a Saint? Cause you answered all my prayers.”
“Six-hundred and twenty-two.”
----------
“Is there an Inferni in this club, or are you just that hot?”
He set his jaw and turned around, leaving his drink on the bartop. You finished it.
“Six-hundred and thirty-eight.”
That’s it.
----------
“(Y/n)-”
“Your usual, coming right up, boss.”
You poured the drink and set it in front of him, keeping your lips tilted up and your eyes downcast. As soon as he was served, you moved onto the other end of the bartop and started cleaning it.
From where you stood, you couldn’t see the clouded look on his face, but you could hear Jesper’s voice.
“Uh, (Y/n), are you doing alright?”
You turned to him and conjured up the brightest smile you could, something that looked blinding to any other patron, but faker than a glass diamond to those who knew you.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
Jesper tried not to worry at the way you didn’t even scold him for having his hand on Wylan’s waist. Kaz failed miserably at it. When he finished his drink and could no longer drag out his stay without being suspicious, he retreated to his office and asked one of his men to keep an eye on you.
----------
You were just getting ready to go to bed when you heard a knock at your door. You covered your mostly bare body with a silk robe, a gift from the Crows for your last birthday, and opened the door.
“Kaz.”
You blinked at him in shock.
“May I come in?”
You opened the door further, an invitation to enter your safe haven. Your apartment wasn’t much, just an open kitchen and living room, small bathroom, and a bedroom big enough for your bed and closet, but it was your home. You always made sure to buy the nice-smelling candles to mask the otherwise putrid scent of the Barrel’s streets, and you kept a religious cleaning schedule so as to not let this apartment become the mess it first was when you moved in. It’s not much, but it’s home.
“I’d ask how you know where I live since none of you guys has ever been here, but that would be pointless so just… what are you doing here?”
He looked a bit lost in your living room, everything decked out in soothing sage and creme colours, while he was wearing black, head to toe.
“I came to see if you were okay.”
You closed the door behind you and crossed your arms in front of your chest.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
He stood a good ten feet away from you, more awkward than you’ve ever seen him, but somehow still maintaining that superior air to him, as if anyone else were mere mortals and he was the god ruling over them all. Maybe he was.
“You’ve been acting… strange, lately.”
You quirked a brow.
“How so?”
He seemed to be measuring every word that came out of his mouth, seemingly unsure about his very existence, which was a sight rarer than the birth of a Sun Summoner.
“You’ve been acting distant towards my Crows. Colder. And you seem to smile less, too.”
You huffed out a laugh and stared him down.
“Well, I’m sorry that I can’t just heal from a broken heart at the drop of a hat, boss. I’ll do my best to pretend to be happy for the crew’s sake. Was that all?”
He frowned and the hand around his cane tightened.
“Who’s the bastard?”
“You are.”
His stance faltered.
“What?”
You rolled your eyes and leaned against your kitchen counter.
“What? You thought you could ignore me for two years and have me go on as if nothing happened? After a while, it starts to take its toll. I deal with systematic rejection about as well as everyone else.”
“But that was just you joking. You weren’t actually serious.”
You dropped your head into your palms and sighed.
“Really? I’ve already decided to stop, you don’t have to ‘let me down gently’ or whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to do.”
He huffed.
“I’m not trying to do anything. It was a joke, you’re probably still joking right now.”
“For fuck’s sake, Kaz, will you stop that? It wasn’t a fucking joke, literally everyone in Ketterdam can see that I’m in lo-”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”
You looked at him, eyes glassy from holding back tears.
“Why? Scared to hear the truth?”
His face was stone cold, pulled into a frown.
“That’s a lie I don’t ever want to hear.”
This man-
“I’m not fucking lying, Kaz!”
“Yes, you are.”
“And why, pray tell, would that be a lie?”
“Because you can’t fall in love with me!”
He yelled, and for a moment, you felt scared. This wasn’t Kaz, the man who gave you a job and a roof over your head, anymore. This was Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. The cold-blooded murderer leading the Dregs.
“No one can. It’s impossible.”
He looked away from you, eyes trained on the carpet.
“Why would that be impossible?”
There was no answer, only his erratic breathing and the noise from outside.
“Kaz, why do you think you can’t be loved?”
Cause that’s what this was, wasn’t it? A deep-rooted, wrongful belief that he isn’t worthy of someone else’s affection.
His eyes never left the carpet, as if looking at you brought him too much pain.
“I don’t think, I know.”
Irrationally, it made you quite self-conscious. The carpet was second hand, found at a thrift shop, and the spot he was looking at had a wine stain that you had never fully managed to wash out.
“I can’t give you what you want. Contact, affection, sex. Hell, I can’t even touch someone’s skin with my bare hands without spiralling into a fucking panic attack! I’m fucking broken, (Y/n). I can’t be what you want. I’m incapable of loving, and unworthy of anyone’s love, much less your own.”
Thunder rumbled in the distance and when you looked out your balcony doors, the rain was pouring steadily. You opened the cabinet directly over your sink and ruffled through it until you found an unopened bottle of vodka.
“Come on, with me.”
You made your way out and into the balcony, sitting on the padded patio chairs, your greatest finds. You were lucky to be on the second floor, the third floor balcony protecting you from the rain and leaving you in a nice shelter, to enjoy the thunderstorm.
Kaz sat next to you on the only other chair and watched as you opened the bottle, flicked the cap to the streets below, and took a large swig directly from the bottle, handing it to him as an offering.
“I love thunderstorms. The smell of fresh rain replacing whatever disgusting thing is usually floating around, the grumbling of the thunder drowning out idiotic drunks. It’s like you’re in a whole new world.”
He passed you back the bottle and you wasted no time in drinking again.
“My parents never wanted a child. I was an accident, not meant to happen. But I still did. The kids at the village always reminded me of how lucky I was to have both my parents still, that neither of them were lost to the Fold. They weren’t ready for me, is the thing, they had no idea how to raise me.
“If they weren’t beating me, they were smothering me. If they weren’t smothering me, they were degrading me. All of that done 'for my good'. I flinched every time either of them raised their hand, and I still hate having anyone stand behind me, cause that’s when it was worst. When I couldn’t see it coming.
“It got even worse when they found out I was Grisha. It was an innocent mistake, really. Just a prick of my embroidery needle and all those secrets came spilling out. You see, the thing they don’t tell you about Grisha testing is that you can do it yourself. One sudden jab of pain and you don’t even need an amplifier.
“My parents hid me from everyone when they found out. Told them some story about me drowning in the lake. Turns out that having a Tailor child was quite useful to them, but they didn’t know how to train me, so they just went with the first thing they thought of. If pain manifested them in the first place, then maybe the pain was the key to me mastering my powers. For nine years, I endured whipping, cutting, starving, and insults thrown at me at every chance.
“When I was seventeen, I waited for them to leave for the yearly town fete, took any money they had, broke a window and ran. I hid in one of the skiffs and crossed the Fold. I figured that if I died, it would at least be quick, and if I didn’t, I’d get to start a new life.”
You turned towards him, a single tear cascading down your face. He followed it with his eyes before focusing back on yours.
“That’s when I met you and you offered me a job. A place to call home. You saved my life, whether you knew it or not.”
He cleared his throat and brought the bottle to his lips.
“I didn’t know. There are so many lost souls in the Barrel, after a while, you just become kind of numb to them. It’s routine.”
You nodded. That much was obvious.
“But anyway, I still can’t let anyone stand behind me, I hate the sound of screaming and shut down almost every time someone insults me. When anyone raises their hand, I have to forcefully remind myself that they aren’t going to beat me, and every day I fight off the reminder of my mother telling me that ‘no one would ever love a useless Grisha’. I understand your struggles, better than anyone could, probably, cause they’re very similar to mine. The difference is that I don’t let my trauma control my life. I’m too stubborn for that.”
You made sure he was paying attention to the next part.
“I’m just as broken as you are, Kaz Brekker, so telling me you’re unworthy of love would make me unworthy of it as well.”
He looked down at his lap.
“There’s still a problem. I myself am incapable of loving someone.”
You shook your head.
“That’s not true. You do it all day, every day. You love when you take away Jesper’s money so he’ll fight off his addiction. You loved when you bought Inej from the Menagerie so she’d be safe. You loved when you took in Wylan, despite not knowing anything about him, cause he had nowhere else to go. You love when you tell your crew to be safe. You love when you pay your employees much more than any other bar would cause you want them to have a good life. You love when you put yourself in danger in order to protect all of us. You love with your whole being, in a million different ways, and it’s a shame that people don’t see it for what it is, you especially.”
With a particularly large gulp, he finished the bottle and set it onto the floor.
“Do I love you, then?”
You smiled softly.
“I think you do. You always have me escorted home at night so I don’t get assaulted, you gave me the job that saved my life, you let me borrow your coats when I forget mine, you came to check up on me cause you noticed I was acting different and you wanted to change that… It sounds a whole lot like love to me.”
He stared into your eyes for a little while longer and the corner of his mouth quirked up.
“Alright.”
----------
“(Y/n)-”
“Your usual, already done.”
You smiled at him and for once, he smiled back. Close-mouthed and carefully turned away from any low-level employees, but he still did.
“Thank you, darling.”
“Anything for you.”
You turned back towards where the Crows were now gaping, looking between you and their boss with unrestrained glee.
You stretched the faucet sprayer until it was far enough to reach them and sprayer the entirety of Jesper’s torso.
“Paws off my little brother, you rascal.”
Alright! So that was all for my first Kaz fic. The idea kinda came into my head and then it wouldn’t fucking leave so I spent four hours writing it and another hour trying to FUCKING PUBLISH IT CAUSE MY STUPID COMPUTER WOULDN’T LET ME
So anyway if you liked it, don’t forget to like/comment/reblog, I’d appreciate it
«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»
-Love, Miah <3 edit: Okay, I read it over and fixed any obvious mistakes on my fucking phone cause my computer died before i could do that, it barely let me post this part. So, as soon as I get to my mum's, I'll steal her laptop, edit this properly, and update my masterlist as well, maybe, sounds like a good idea.
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