Sometimes a family is a vengeful gang owner, a witch on drugs, a spider, a dyslexic runaway, a bisexual with a fantastic hat collection and a soldier who survived a cult
modern au where everyone’s afraid of the big bad dangerous gang the crows but then someone looks in the crows’ hideout just to see Dirtyhands bickering with the Corpsewitch about bananas or some random shit. the Wraith is balancing on the Sharpshooter’s shoulders whilst the Chemist chucks m&ms at the Sharpshooter and he tries to catch them in his mouth without dislodging the Wraith. the Fjerdan is in the corner with several pigeons and a duck he’d befriended outside. rasputin is absolutely blasting from a speaker somewhere. they have a human-sized cardboard cutout of the rat from ratatouille leaning against a wall. they have polaroids of all of them taped to the walls next to their arrest records and wanted posters. three different incense candles are burning at the same time. the only items in the fridge are a half-drunken jug of orange juice and a handful of avocados. the Wraith is now making friendship bracelets with the Corpsewitch while the Sharpshooter and the Chemist make out on the couch. these terrifying criminals are just fucking teenagers and they’re funny as hell.
pain and all (kaz brekker x reader) [soulbound au]
summary: in which kaz and (y/n) won’t talk about what happened that night—not about where they were or how they ended up covered in blood or why they looked so terribly haunted—and jesper uncovers the truth in the most horrific way possible.
or,
They've always orbited around each other, sure, but it is different now. It's like some invisible force has changed their trajectory and bound them closer together.
or,
He fears she would follow Kaz anywhere, even into Death.
warnings: injuries, canon typical violence, temporary character death (kind of?), canon divergence
kaz taglist: @the-tpd-bau @ellievickstar @thestudiouswanderer | soc taglist: @ancientbeing10 @dearestdem1 (if you want to be added or removed from the taglist just dm me!)
a/n: this is part two (or more like a spin off, sort of??) to soulbound, but u can read either fic without having to read the other. hope you enjoy it and happy new year!!
tap here to read soulbound <3!
Jesper isn't pacing.
He is not.
He is merely... walking. Back and forth. Over and over again.
(Because pacing is something he only ever does when he's worried, and he is most definitely not worried. I mean, yeah, sure, they are surrounded by complete darkness and every little sound puts his nerves on edge and his cheek is bleeding and the sun is just hours away from rising and they haven't heard from Kaz or (Y/N) in hours, but it’s okay. Everything is fine.)
"Cut it out."
The sound of Inej's voice, no matter how stern, loosens something in Jesper's chest. Come as it may, he's not alone, and that's something. It's everything, really.
She's asked him to stop at least five times in the last three minutes—asking is perhaps too kind of a word for it, her voice is too curt, too sharp, too tense—but Jesper cannot stand still. He fears he might explode out of his skin if he does. Usually, twirling his pistols around is enough to ebb his anxiousness, but not this time, and Inej must know that he needs to walk, to keep himself entertained, because despite her warning tone she hasn't thrown a dagger his way. Not yet at least.
Jesper chews on his inner cheek and completely ignores her, turning back around and walking back the way he came from. He's been at it for so long that his footprints seem to be permanently etched on the muddy floor.
"They should be here."
The panic that he is trying so hard to conceal seeps into his tone.
Inej doesn't answer. For a second Jesper fears that he might've exhausted her patience, that she might be preparing to throttle him—after all, he has been doing this whole walking thing for almost an hour now and there's only so much she can tolerate before resorting to violence—but when he turns to look at her, Inej is not paying him any mind. She's standing in the exact same place she had settled in when they'd arrived at this rendezvous spot all those hours back, eyes trained somewhere in the darkness. Her face is a blank mask, no signs of discomfort or stiffness or worry. She's so still, so motionless, that the shadows of the night appear to swirl around her, concealing her, becoming one with her. Jesper only finds her because he knows where to look.
He's about to say something else, wondering if she even heard him, when she responds, "They'll be here."
Her voice is barely more than a whisper, but firm. She somehow manages to sound confident, but Jesper knows her too well. Her foot is tapping against the ground, a soft, rhythmic sound that makes the sense of dread in Jesper's gut coil tighter.
Inej never fidgets.
She, too, is beginning to panic.
Fuck.
Jesper turns around, walks back up the path, and oh, Saints, who is he even trying to kid. He is pacing and he is worried. Kaz and (Y/N) are late, and they are never late. And this is not the kind of late that could be attributed to some sort of minor mishap, it's the kind of late that has Jesper wondering if they are lying somewhere with a bullet lodged between their eyes.
He takes a shaky breath, pushes those thoughts far, far away.
It's okay. It's fine.
He takes another breath, deeper this time, bites the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds, and keeps on walking.
Somewhere on the side, Inej's foot taps and taps and taps. Leaves crunch against the sole of her shoe. She's not even aware she's doing it, Jesper knows she would stop if she was.
Time passes. Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like minutes. He does not know how long he's been pacing for.
The longer they stay here, the more dangerous it is for all of them. The night can only offer its protection for so long. In a few minutes, the sun will rise, and Jesper knows that whoever had been following them will resume their search as soon as there's enough light to illuminate the way. Jesper does not want to think of what comes next, he does not want to think about what they'll do if morning comes and (Y/N) and Kaz are not here. Kaz would tell them to leave, but Jesper isn't sure he can. Saints, they should've never split up. Then again, there were too many guards, so maybe splitting up had been the best option. He doesn't know. He can't think clearly. The whole heist is nothing but a blur.
A snapping sound on his left interrupts his thoughts.
He stills, hand immediately reaching for his gun.
From the corner of his eye, he can see the way Inej shifts. He raises his gun. Inej reaches for the dagger in her thigh, shoulders taut.
Then, suddenly, she exhales.
"Saints," she breathes out.
Jesper sees them a split second after she does.
Kaz and (Y/N). Alive and walking.
He should be relived. He is relieved. But his worry does not melt away, instead it twists into molten hot anger so sharp it stings. He cannot help the way he snaps.
"Where the hell were you? We've been worried sick." He stomps towards them, holsters the gun. "Do you know just how…” He's rendered mute when he gets a good look at them. There's dried blood all over (Y/N)'s shirt, so much that the person who bled out couldn't have possibly survived. Kaz looks shaken, his eyes hold a troubled look that Jesper has never seen before.
Just like that, the anger is gone.
"Saints," he exhales.
By his side, Inej moves quietly. Jesper realizes just how worried she’s actually been when he sees the way she throws her arms around (Y/N)'s neck. She, too, had believed them to be dead.
(Y/N) returns the hug, grasping tightly onto Inej. Her arms shake. The tremors are barely noticeable, but Jesper does not miss them. He doesn’t miss a thing when he’s on edge.
"We're okay," she mumbles against Inej's shoulder.
They all know each other well enough to know it's a lie.
Something happened. Something bad.
"We should get moving." Kaz speaks for the first time.
His voice is rough, like he's spent a long time screaming. His face is ashen and he keeps on rubbing at his sternum in an absentminded way that is so unlike him.
Jesper is too perplexed by the whole situation, to shaken by their sudden appearance to ask questions, so he doesn’t.
Neither does Inej.
────୨ৎ────
Whatever happened that night changes something in Kaz and (Y/N)'s relationship.
Jesper can't quite pinpoint what it is, but the shift is so evidently there that it's impossible to miss it.
There's this heaviness that surrounds them, unspoken words that take up so much space they seem to cling onto their skin and linger around every corner. Even Jesper, who is far removed from whatever the hell is going on between them, feels it—this heartbreaking sorrowfulness that he cannot begin to unpack. It makes it sort of hard to breathe when they’re both around. There’s also the little things, less evident but perhaps more telling. Like the slip in Kaz’s mask of indifference, the subtle cracks he does not bother hiding. How he becomes so obvious in his need to keep (Y/N) close—how he doesn't let her out of his sight if he can help it and doesn't breathe easy unless she is within arm's reach—and the way she does not complain about it. It’s the terribly haunting look (Y/N) gets every once in a while and how she immediately looks for Kaz in reassurance, how she scans him all over like she’s looking for an injury only she can see.
They've always orbited around each other, sure, but it is different now. It's like some invisible force has changed their trajectory and bound them closer together.
(He knows Inej has noticed, too. She hasn't said a word, but Jesper has caught the way in which she stares at them, deep in thought, like she's trying to make sense of a puzzle whose most important piece is missing.)
Jesper is concerned.
He, like Inej, watches them as inconspicuously as he can, trying to make sense of it all with the little information he has.
If he’s being honest, it’s pretty pointless. They're too closed off, too private, too in sync for Jesper to be able to analyze the fleeting emotions that spark in their eyes when they look at each other. But he keeps looking, anyway. Because they both refuse to talk about it—about what happened that night, about whose blood stained (Y/N)’s skin, about how they made it out unscathed—even when gently prodded, and Jesper knows, better than anyone, that secrets can lead directly to an early grave.
So, when he stumbles into them having a discussion behind the closed doors of Kaz's office, he feels like the Saints have granted him a golden opportunity. And he would be a fool to not take it.
Tentatively, Jesper walks towards the harsh rise and fall of their voices. He cannot make out the words, but he gets a really good sense of the tone of the conversation. Kaz's sentences are clipped and sharp in a way that Jesper has never heard directed towards (Y/N) and (Y/N)'s voice is stripped bare of its characteristic gentle inflection. Not just a discussion, then. A full-blown argument. He's not sure if he's ever heard them fight before. Ever.
He’s about to step closer, to press his ear against the door, when someone is grabbing his wrist and dragging him away.
The suddenness of it all startles him and it’s only sheer luck that keeps the alarmed yelp from escaping his lips. It’s a good thing, the quietness and quickness with which everything happens, because any noise would’ve undoubtedly caught Kaz’s attention—nothing ever escapes that man—and Jesper does not want to even imagine what Dirtyhands would’ve done to him if he’d caught him snooping into a private conversation.
"Inej!" Jesper hisses once they’re far enough.
She pays him no mind, keeps pulling him back into the heart of the Crow Club. They move through the crowd with ease, avoiding the stumbling bodies of men who've had too much to drink.
Inej lets him go when they make it to the blackjack table. She turns to meet his eyes, "You have to give them space."
"We've given them space." And it’s true. Neither of them has asked them about the blood and the wounds and the hours they were gone. Not directly, at least. "It's like they're choking."
I'm worried about them, is what he doesn't say, but Inej seems to get it.
"They'll figure it out," she says, giving his elbow a quick, reassuring squeeze. "Give them time."
Stay out of their business, is what she's also saying.
Jesper sighs, "Alright."
They do figure it out. Jesper is certain that discussion he almost snooped on is partially at fault for that.
In the next few days something settles. The panicky anxiousness Jesper had sensed between them dissipates. They don't go back to how they used to be, something has changed, but there's an ease there, some sort of mutual understanding that no one else is privy of.
The worry in Jesper’s chest eases.
────୨ৎ────
Jesper watches, with some amusement, the way (Y/N) flicks through papers as she walks, not even looking up as she dodges a crumbled piece of paper he tosses her way.
"Next time, I'll get you."
She snorts, "You've been saying that for five years now, Jes."
He pouts playfully. He knows she sees it, even when she's not looking at him, because the corner of her lips tilts up.
"You're limping."
That catches (Y/N)'s attention. Her eyes snap up. She freezes, just barely, before resuming her step. That, in turn, catches Jesper's attention. It is so hard to get her to lose focus when she's nose deep in revising their accounting books that Jesper cannot believe all it took was a single comment from Wylan.
"Don't sound so worried, little Merchling," she says as she passes by them, affectionately ruffling Wy's hair. "I just rolled my ankle."
Jesper drops forward on his chair, follows his boyfriend's line of sight to find him staring at (Y/N)'s right leg. She is limping. It's not very prominent, but the slight wobble in her step is very much there.
And she doesn't stop limping, not even when weeks go by.
He mentions to Wylan, sort of offhandedly, that it’s a very similar limp to the one Kaz has.
“They spend too much time together,” the younger boy responds as they both observe the pair. “It’s like they mirror each other. Pain and all.”
────୨ৎ────
A few months later, as (Y/N) is practically ordering him to pluck out the giant shard of glass that is sticking out of her hand, Jesper realizes it's much more than just mirroring.
"Do it."
Jesper does not want to do it.
She's breathing heavy, trying to keep the pain at bay. The injury is in no sense life threatening, but the glass has not cut through cleanly, and the wound is very deep. (Y/N) keeps her eyes trained on his face, doing her best not to look down at the damaged skin. Despite her evident discomfort, her voice does not waver, "Jesper, pull it out."
"It will make the bleeding worse."
She gives him a deadpan look, like he's an idiot and she cannot believe she has to answer such a stupid remark, "Yeah, but I can't really climb that big ass wall behind you with this thing sticking out of my hand, now, can I?"
She gets brutally sarcastic when she's in pain.
Saints, Jesper really does not want to do this. Why can't Kaz do it?
He turns around, but Kaz isn't looking at either of them. He's studying the obsidian wall that surrounds the place they're hitting tonight. Jesper briefly notices the way he's clenching his hands by his side.
"Saints, where is Inej when you need her? She would've had this done like thirty minutes ago." Jesper's attention snaps back to (Y/N) who stares at him impatiently. "Just pull it out, Jes, please." Her voice softens at the last word and Jesper doesn't know why she can't just pull it out herself, but he's never been able to deny her anything, so he finds himself nodding reluctantly.
"Saints, okay." His fingers touch the glass. It is freezing cold. "I'm going to count to three."
He doesn't count to three.
Her pained groan is stifled by her other hand, "Fuck."
Jesper does not miss the way Kaz, somewhere close to them, breathes heavily, like he, too, is in pain.
(Y/N) keeps her eyes shut tightly for a second, breathes deeply through her nose, and seemingly forces her whole body to relax. Slowly, every muscle unclenches. "Alright," she mutters to herself as she studies her hand, moving her fingers and testing the mobility of the tendons.
"I'm good to go," she informs both of them, propping herself up from the rock she'd been sitting at. She walks towards Kaz and Jesper hears the whispered, "You okay?" that they speak in unison.
They don’t say anything else, just share a quick look, and then Kaz slips off his left glove, handing it to (Y/N). She slips it on with only the slightest hiss of pain.
It is then that Jesper sees it. Raw, pink skin in Kaz's own hand, in the exact same shape of the wound that (Y/N) is still bleeding from.
It’s like they mirror each other. Pain and all.
Wylan might’ve been right. Maybe more so than he even knew.
Jesper does not know what to make of it.
────୨ৎ────
It takes a year and a half for everything to click together. It does so in the most horrific way possible.
Jesper always thought he would know. That when the time came, for any of them, he would sense it. That there would be some shift in the air, some aching in his gums, a sense of impending doom in his gut. But there was nothing. Not a single indication of what was to come. There was no sense of uneasiness in his chest as he holstered his guns, no looming anxiety as they spoke the four words like a prayer.
No mourners, no funerals.
Now he's staring at Kaz's battered, broken, lifeless body.
His brain cannot comprehend what he's seeing.
It smells like gunpowder and death and blood.
Inej is moving somewhere besides him, she's saying something, but every sound is muted. Jesper cannot think. He cannot breathe.
"(Y/N)..." The name filters through the buzzing in his ears and Jesper forces himself to snap out of the daze, he pulls himself back from the abyss. If he wants to lay down on the ground and never move again, he cannot imagine what (Y/N) will be like when she sees Kaz. Jesper fears she might not survive it. He fears she would follow Kaz anywhere, even into Death.
Inej steps away from him and it is only then that Jesper realizes she is soaked in blood, her hands and chest stained a deep red. Kaz's blood. Tears trail down her cheeks. She looks distraught. Jesper imagines he doesn't look much better, he certainly feels much worse. He catches the panic in her eyes, the concern. Not for herself, but for (Y/N), who is walking towards them like she already knows what she's going to be met with. Her face is deathly pale. She looks haunted.
"Move, Inej."
The Wraith tries to hold her back, does her best to cover the gruesome sight from (Y/N)’s eyes, "You shouldn't..."
But (Y/N) ignores her, brushes past her and her worries.
It's worse than Jesper expects. Not only does (Y/N) stumble, like every bone in her body has suddenly grown weak, but she clutches at her chest and the sound that leaves her throat will hunt Jesper for the rest of his life. It's loud, an agony-filled sob that pierces through the darkness of the night. It's anguish and despair and so much more, a pain so deep it seeps through Jesper's skin. He feels it all the way to his core.
His throat constricts, tightens painfully. Tears blur his vision. He feels himself spiraling once more.
(Y/N) falls to her knees. Her movements are frantic, shaky. Her fingers linger a few centimeters away from Kaz’s face, like she's not sure if she's allowed to touch him, to hold him. And then, suddenly, as if every ounce of energy has been taken out of her, her forehead comes to press against his in a quiet sort of desperation that only appears when grief is near. She sobs, broken whimpers falling out of her lips, her tears stain Kaz’s face and Kaz remains so utterly still, so evidently dead, that Jesper has to tear his eyes away.
By his side, Inej trembles. She hugs herself close, keeps her back to them, her eyes trained somewhere far away.
It's quiet, nothing but sobs and weeps and cries surround them.
Tears trail down Jesper's own cheeks. He wants to disappear.
Suddenly, an agonizing scream—unlike anything Jesper has ever heard before—falls out of (Y/N)'s lips, like it's been punched out of her.
The world tilts.
Jesper looks back to where (Y/N) is and his blood runs cold.
Inej, who has also turned around, sucks in a breath, "It can't be."
Jesper agrees. This cannot be. Because he knows what this is, he remembers his mother's stories from when he was a child. It is not supposed to be real.
And yet, Jesper is watching it with his very own eyes. A golden thread hums between Kaz and (Y/N), binds them together in a way nothing else ever can. Jesper cannot believe it. Soul binding is supposed to be a myth, a bedtime story told to children. Even people who believe it to be true would never dare to perform the ritual. It is too dangerous, too easy to fracture the mind, too easy have either part reject the bond.
In a second, everything snaps into place. This is the missing piece of the puzzle. It suddenly makes sense; the shared injuries, their reluctance to speak of what had happened that night, all those years ago.
They are soulbound.
And right now, (Y/N) is tugging him back to life.
"You will kill yourself," he finds himself saying, taking one step forward. It is hard to do so, there is some sort of invisible force pushing him backwards. This is very ancient magic at work, and it doesn't seem to like intruders.
(Y/N)'s eyes snap to his. They burn golden. Jesper notices the way her skin is slowly losing its color, getting ashen around the edges.
"I am as good as dead without him." Is all she responds.
She presses her forehead back to Kaz's and speaks in hushed whispers, murmurs that the wind catches and whisks away. Jesper cannot hear them, he's sort of glad for that. The thread between Kaz and (Y/N), the one that joins their hearts as one, flickers. Inej mutters a prayer, eyes fixed on the scene before her.
He tears his eyes away. He has to, grief is becoming too thick and harrowing for him to bear. This might fail and he cannot watch another one of his friends die, he's afraid he'll stop breathing, too.
It's the sharp intake of breath that comes a few moments later that has his eyes snapping back to the scene.
"Saints," Is all he can think of saying.
Kaz was dead, and now he's blinking up at (Y/N), taking choked breaths.
Jesper is confused. So confused. Kaz was dead and now he's alive and Jesper still cannot believe what he just saw. He's scared he might be hallucinating everything.
Soulbound. They are actually fucking soulbound.
"Why are you crying?" Is the first thing Kaz asks. He sounds dazed, confused. His hand reaches up, leaves a fleeting touch against (Y/N)'s cheek, merely the brush of his fingertips against her skin. It's the most intimate thing Jesper has even seen him do. "Are you hurt?" It's then that Kaz appears to catch a glimpse of the blood on her hands, on her face. His eyes are suddenly much more aware, sharper, "Whose blood..." and only then does he look down on himself.
He looks back up at (Y/N), "How bad?"
She lets out a shaky sigh, “Pretty bad.” She does not let go, clutches at him like she's scared he'll disappear if she lets go. “Now we’re even.”
Kaz finds it in himself to let out an amused breath.
Jesper is not amused at all.
"Guys, what the fuck?"
(Y/N) and Kaz’s eyes snap towards him. It’s like they’re only now realizing they’re not alone.
