And I’m not talking about common core testing.
I’m sorry to myself that it has been so long since I wrote but things have just not been well.
Within the last two weeks my health deteriorated quickly, I was unsure what was happening but I told myself it could not be anything bad. I desperately hoped it was my hormone levels being low, I called off of work and got my blood work done for my endocrinologist. While I was at it, I got tested. I was sure that my safety precautions meant that this was just a formality of hitting my three months of being in an open relationship, always better safe than sorry.
A few more days pass as I await answers from anybody and everybody. I thought I figured out what was wrong on my own and self-medicated. The first day after the medicine I was fine, even enough to run the Gay5k in a time of 30:32, but shortly after I began to spiral out of control again. Of course, there is never a more inopportune time to not feel well than Pride weekend. Saturday I dragged myself out of the house, I went to Momentum and saw my friends but sheepishly hung low when I really just wanted to let loose and dance my feelings away. I ended the night only being able to stick it out for one set of the drag show at The Waiting Room.
I hate feeling under the weather because I become a hermit. As if my boyfriend needs any more reason to think I am unhappy. I woke up Sunday morning to bleeding from “Parts Unknown” and immediately my dysphoria took over. I skipped my first pride in 8 years as I buried my face in a pillow.
I couldn’t cry. All I wanted to do was let it out and then find myself somewhere in adulthood to get help.
As night fell and the pride festivities ended, my boyfriend came home to me still upset and frightened. I tried to force myself to sleep until I decided this was too much of an emergency.
“We have to ensure there is blood in your urine before we can treat you.” I couldn’t begin to describe to the doctor that my urine was ALL blood. I walked to the bathroom after disclosing my transgender status and any other concerns I had and I peed in that cup. The nurse looked concerned when she walked back into the exam room and took the cup away. I was falling apart. After a wait they prescribed me two pills, one for the UTI that I was diagnosed with and one to clear the blood in my urine.
No later then I walked out the door I got the worst phone call. I white-knuckle drove my whole way home knowing that things could be radically different from this moment on. I got home and belly-flopped face first onto the couch next to my boyfriend. “You don’t look happy,” he said to me. “I’m not“ as I burst into tears. I told him about the phone call and that I was headed to go get the medication I needed to be healthy again.
I felt lost, alone, helpless & hopeless, betrayed, a traitor myself, angry, embarrassed. The list of emotions could go on forever as I slowly made my way through another short week of work (after calling off on Monday to cope with the news).
So here I sit on Friday: no closer to an answer on who, where, or when but have answered the what and I still feel confused. Why: I probably deserve this for the things that I have done in my lifetime, but he doesn’t. He never asked for this, I did. He didn’t use the freedom of the open relationship, I did.
My anxiety grows daily, how do you survive in a world where you can’t trust your own “best judgment” - you do not.
