#lycs grumbles

[lycanspaws]

For the 100th time, wolf (2021) is not exaggerated, it simply does not reflect your personal experiences. Stop sanitizing a community that society will never fully accept regardless.

[lycanspaws]

I was never a human, just conditioned to act like one. My "awakening" was waking up and realizing what was happening to me.

[lycanspaws]

A Movie Called Wolf.

In 2021, a movie came out called Wolf.

I was intrigued.

Many called it "embarrassing", a step back in the progress of the alterhuman community.

Many said it had potential and failed to live up to it.

Mostly, people said it was a mockery.

Time passes by and I do my best to avoid the movie treated like a monster by much of the community aware of it's existence. I indulge in Wolfwalkers, Van Helsing, and The Wolf Man. While those are enjoyable movies, they portray a world so different from our own. It feels more like a dream than my reality.

Come four years later, with the weight of isolation and hate bearing down on my shoulders like a chain, I cave and decide to watch the movie.

The movie is a raw, unsanitized portrayal of zoanthropy, the mild and the severe. Those who consistently teeter on the edge of being "recovered", and those who require high support just to survive.

The plot follows a storyline of an attempt to cure the protagonist, but with any close attention, the end goal is never about being cured. Time and time again, the movie portrays the "treatment" as cruel, inhumane, and counterproductive. Rather than being taught to channel harmful impulses and thoughts into safer alternatives while still retaining identity, the animal group is expected to forfeit all non-humanity and submit to the urban concrete jungles in order to survive.

Wolf does not censor nonhuman behavior for the unfamiliar. The protagonist, a wolf perceived as human, is shown struggling against the urge to call out to his family group, his pack. He is largely quiet and reserved, primarily only aggressive when warranted. George Mackay does an excellent portrayal of how awkward, limited motioned, and dull a third-person perspective can look of being trapped by outside perspective and mental health.

The descriptions of species dysphoria, the wild, feral behaviors seen as "excessive", and the less direct symptoms of isolation/social withdrawal, avolition, and sleeping difficulties relate to my own experiences in ways I could never portray as well and express myself.

The movie is surrounded by sanism and ableism from those who fail to attempt to understand mental health, identity, and the complexity of preserving identity while balancing survival and mental health. While critiques of the movie quality are fair and justified, many negative opinions take root from the "absurd" behavior portrayed in the movies. The characters are seen as an exaggerated mockery of those who identify less outwardly nonhuman, or given the assumption that they are a representation of a nonexistent community.

Unfortunate to those folk, that community does exist, through me and through others. We were the target portrayal, those who behave, per quotes, "embarrassing" and "exaggerated."

Unfortunately, the movie was never the community's perceived monster, it was me.

[lycanspaws]

I didn't truly understand the cyclic nature of therian discourse that peers were discussing until now.

Now that the puppyposting and anti-canine discourse has mostly blown over, I've seen a few posts targeting therians in the name of "other labels exist." We are, once again, attacking the identities of folks of whom are doing nothing, rather than facing the real issues.

If you believe otherlink is being ignored, go after those attempting to dissolve the term into therianthropy and speak for the structure of the definitions. The biggest threat to 'link identities is "that's what a therian is, why do we need another useless label?"

If you dislike the way humanoid 'kins are being underrepresented, give folks a nudge when something is lacking recognition (e.g., an alterhuman post assuming everyone is nonhuman). Bring awareness to it where needed rather than going after therians.

Reblog smaller label coinings, contribute to alterhuman glossaries, post about a different label per week, share your experiences with lesser known terms, advocate for upholding definitions so they aren't absorbed by therianthropy, and so on.

You can make changes that do not broadly target and attack the core identities of many folks. Yes, it's frustrating and a valid issue, but just as every few other posts being "I hate canines, I want more non-canine content" was hurtful and ruining their movement, so is "therians are so self-centric, other labels exist." Doing this will likely only create backlash that backfires, such as the puppyposting discourse encouraging folks to resist and keep posting meme/short content.

[lycanspaws]

I... might have a red meat intolerance.... (insert sad alpha wolf meme).

I certainly know I can try leaning towards chicken, fish, bugs, etcetera, but does anyone have any other dietary suggestions to try?

My body craves prey but I presume that's just a side effect of being half-man and half-wolf.

[lycanspaws]

⚠️ Talks of death, non-detailed sui (not thoughts), guilt, and sanism.

I was about 11 when an online friend of mine mentioned one of their friends I knew, that day, had lost their battle with mental illness. That was my first and closest exposure to loss from mental illness. I would never be able to talk to them again.

I was about 13 when I learned that thinking you were actually an animal in therian spaces was considered 'mentally ill' and meant you needed to be put in psychiatric holds.

I was about 14 when I learned that some mental illnesses, including physical identity or attractions, deserved to be ostracized or even killed.

I was about 15 when I first began to tell people they needed to seek psychiatric help and institutions if they experienced things like amnesia with shifts or believing their body was animal because of their identity.

I was about 16 when I ended up in moderation spaces of the therian community, where my voice could silence others who rejected my opinion.

I was about 17 when I was in spaces that would promote death to folk with mental disorders, and have me reiterate the same ideals, while the rates of loss to mental health kept going up.

I was about 18 when I gained higher positions of moderation in broader alterhuman spaces and could silence all other positions.

I was about 19 when someone told me the weird labels I kept trying to use were basically clinical lycanthropy.

I was about 19 when I lost contact with most people outside of alterhumanity because of those disordered experiences.

I was about 19 when I was no longer able to function well in society because I was having disordered experiences.

I was about 19 when I struggled to even keep going because I was nearly completely isolated and struggled to get help because of societal ostracization of mental illness.

I was about 19 when I was nearly utterly alone because I chose to spend my childhood in sanist spaces.

I was about 19 when I discovered CLCZ tumblr and similar spaces, and began anonymously writing my experiences as Lyca.

I was about 19 when I confessed to a professional and began expressing myself and managing bad symptoms without curing my alternate reality.

I was about 19 when someone told me that if their brain's involuntary thoughts and desires meant they were automatically harmful, then my desires to bite others even when I resist automatically meant I was harmful and going to do it immediately.

I was about 19 when I discovered how much my upbringing against mental illness had destroyed my life, confidence, and ability to function in society.

I was about 20 when I realized I had been a part of that.

I was about 20 when I started wondering how many lives lost were indirectly my fault because of that.

How many now-inactive accounts are forever inactive because I refused to see the other side.

Lord knows what I've done.

Is it really a crime to hear out what othere have to say, even those deemed scary, harmful, and dangerous?

To those who haven't learned anything but harm and only give what they know?

I was about 11 when I defended a bully online that had regularly called me slurs, attacked me, and made my social life hell as an autistic, openly queer kid. The bully was getting attacked by another jerk on the same discussion board. I stood up for them. I still remember when they asked why I defended them despite bullying me.

I was about 11 when I made a new friend because I stood in their shoes and saw another living being trying to survive.

I still think about how many losses I might've contributed to, but I also think about how many lives I can save with a little more kindness and an open-mind.

I refuse to hate, I chose to be loving, no matter what.

[lycanspaws]

I think the reason my gender is so messed up and constantly fluid/overlapping with human gender (besides being a system) is because wolf "gender" ≠ human gender.

If top surgery to get 8 smaller teats like a wolf were possible, I think I would. I always get this sense of gender envy with fursuits that present like that, and if nothing else is possible, that will likely be my goal along with working towards a "six pack."

[lycanspaws]

I want to be in a big soft relationship of mates where maybe we don't all have the energy or ability to keep up with heteronormative two person committed couples, but we still do our best for our folks and express love in the smaller ways.

A single link to a Tiktok that reminds you of your beloved wolf. Purchasing a plushie to show in the group chat that looks like your big tiger partner. Sending a silly png of a cat toy to the small kitty of the polycule. Regularly reminding dogboyfriend how amazing and deserving of pats they are. "Thinking of you" with a picture of a kandi bracelet with angel wing charms and colors coded to your angel partner.

On top of that, late night group chats about casual things, feeling open to share with the others all the nuances of life, laughing about ridiculous memes, making artwork of your loved ones, sending pictures of things done that day so your partners can experience a bit of it too.

I wish monogamous heteronormativity wasn't the only largely accepted concept, and didn't demonize multiple partners as "less effort" thus "unloving". I cannot think of anything better than this, truthfully. Even if it functioned more like a friend group with romantic and more ties, that would still feel the most natural to me. No idea how to talk to folks, though 😔. I would be very open to chatting about this, as socially anxious as I am.