The X-Men, those wackadoodle mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!
X-Men 9 - 15 - by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and Warner Roth
The X-Men’s third year touted one of the most anticipated crisis crossover of the millennium: it’s Avengers vs. X-Men!
fuck you Wasp! You don’t deserve the cover (X-Men 9)
The, eh, the first time around. It’s a little lackluster, but Jean uses her powers to not fall down a hole and the Wasp thinks Angel is just, like, such a babe. The entire fight happens over an entirely avoidable misunderstanding and really serves as window dressing for the actual conflict: Charles Xavier confronting his past. Besides, the kerfuffle with Avengers is easily resolved and does not end with anyone accidentally splitting the Phoenix Force among five hosts or killing Xavier, so that’s a real plus.
While the superteams face off briefly and ineffectively, Professor X dispatches with some vengeful C-list villain named Lucifer who is such a nobody that I’m still not really sure what his actual deal is (and I know Random’s backstory). Still, he is the reason that Charles is in a wheelchair, though the details remain vague. (I much prefer the version rendered in the First Class-movie where Magneto is the one who paralyses his ex-boyfriend/rival, because it has that big dramatic oomph, but hey.)
i don’t know which one is more unbelievable: Xavier’s dope superchair or the artificial dust devil that, later on, somehow hardens into a prison bubble?! SCIENCE! (X-Men 9)
Speaking of Magneto: he and Toad are abducted by some alien called the Stranger, who is apparently super-duper interested in mutation. (We all know it’s really because he has the hots for our Mags, don’t we?) Magneto disappearing causes the Brotherhood to disband, freeing up Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch to join the Avengers. They do so by mail-in ballot.
i love that sweater on ya, Pietro (Avengers 16)
Magneto’s absence clears the board for some new and exciting villains. One of these is another puzzle piece of Xavier’s past: Cain Marko, the Juggernaut… and Charles’ step brother!
Maybe I’m suffering from Stockholm’s, but the two issues introducing the Juggernaut are actually… good? (Despite the unsubtle fact that his first name is Cain.) That first issue establishes the unseen terror of this menace as it approaches the mansion and is barely hindered by the numerous defenses the X-Men have thrown up.
it’s the amazing alliterative angel! (X-Men 12)
Charles, meanwhile, tells the X-Men about his childhood: his mother and father, who both died young, his abusive step-father and his even worse step brother. Xavier was suspicious of his step-father, who might have had a hand in daddy X’s death, and Cain was always envious of Xavier, who did everything better than he did. This comes to a tragic head when a fight between Cain and Charles causes the step-father’s lab to blow up, killing him. Damn. Rough childhood, Charlie.
this player absolutely does not waste any second. get it, you li’l golddiger. (X-Men 12)
Later, during the Korean War, Charles and Cain stumble upon the temple of Cyttorak, a foul demonic deity (also mentioned in Dr. Strange). There, Cain finds this ruby that grants him his unstoppable powers.
Just as Charles is done with expositing his tragic backstory, the Juggernaut arrives at the mansion and a cool fight ensues.,The X-Men, together with the Living Torch, are finally able to stop the Juggernaut by taking off his helmet, the one thing that blocks his psychic powers.
you just had to emphasize that beast worked under your commands, eh? you old glory hog (X-Men 13)
It;s just… really good stuff. Sure, once again, the day is ultimately saved by some mental feat or trick from Xavier, which is getting tiresome. The X-Men themselves always feel like supporting characters to Xavier, rather than main characters on their own. Still, in this fight, they really do feel like a goshdarnit team.
dohohoho antiquated gender roles. (Not pictured: Xavier mindwiping Johnny Storm after he came to the X-Men’s aid.) (X-Men 13)
One more odd thing I noticed is this utter belief that science and machines can really do anything as long as you set your mind to it. It’s very much the Jetsons: sixties sci-fi.
Still, overall, there’s a noticeable uptick in the quality of storytelling: Lee is really finding his groove. Perhaps that’s the reason that in 1965, the X-Men-series goes from bi-monthly to monthly. Clarion call!
hank mccoy introduces: the most verbose way to say “duh” (X-Men 14)
In other news, Jean and Scott still pine for each. It’s absolutely boring.
Oh, Scott, the sheer agony! If only there were practically nothing keeping us apart! (X-Men 9)
oh, Jean, if only my little lieutenant were that gun... (X-Men 10)
Fuck, these two deserve each other. (I promise I’ll like them better later on.) But hey, at least Jean gets an upgrade in terms of power level!
obvi the best use of telekinesis ever (X-Men 9)
much better. attagirl (X-Men 14)
Other new mainstays are
The Savage Land, where the X-Men meet discount Tarzan, Ka-Zar, and his pet tiger.
Actual continuity! Stories that span multiple issues!
The Trask family, starting with the misguided patriarch Bolivar. .
And… the Sentinels.
The appearance of the Sentinels really ratchets up the anti-mutant hysteria. The only reason Dr. Trask built these things is because he’s deadly afraid of mutants. When he presents them on national television, they immediately kidnap him and Xavier. I love that the Sentinels take about one hot second to turn against their creators, because humans will never cease bringing ruination upon their own heads.
“humans are dumdums” - fuck you too, you brave little toaster ovens (X-Men 15)
About 60 years later, at least that hasn’t changed.
PANIC! this whole page is just a delight. please note the spelling of ‘throughout’ (X-Men 14)
Didn’t you take Art History? Just like Lee, Kirby is really stretching his legs.
life, uh... finds a way (X-Men 10)
Best new character: The Juggernaut. Cain Marko is different kind of villain: for him, this is personal. He poses a legitimate threat and he fleshes out Xavier’s backstory. Perhaps the best villain yet. (I’m sorry, Magneto, but at this point you’re little more than a highly dramatic demagogue. You don’t even have your name or tragic past yet!)
What to read: 12 and 13, the issues introducing Cain Marko. Seriously, they’re good.
Best unintentional period piece: Let me introduce you to: the sixties.
i don’t know what’s happening, but this is just groovy, baby, yeah (X-Men 14)
Ugliest Costume: The Sentinels. Jesus Christ.
maybe they just hated Bolivar because he made them look this way (X-Men 14)
A beautiful clear Sunday in Belfast with a high of 19 degrees (66.2 Fahrenheit) in some places. Remember to stay well hydrated in the heat, but drink responsibly 😜😜😜
