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My stepdad called to "make sure you're happy and well"

And I respond with "best I can do is alive"

Him: alive is good

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #borderline personality disorder #fat bitch #fatgirlforlife #actually borderline #childhood trauma #everybody hates me #living with borderline #my stepdad cares more about me than any blood relative #all day i think about death #chronic illness #chronic migraine #chronic pain #chronicially alone #chronically ill #who am i

I used to believe that life was a dream and that one day I'd wake up in my real life. A life where I was loved, safe and happy.

Now I understand that this is real and I fear that I'll never be happy. I've been stuck like this for so long, I'm scared that I'll never change.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #borderline personality disorder #fat bitch #fatgirlforlife #actually borderline #childhood trauma #everybody hates me #living with borderline #it's not a nightmare #life is just a dream on the way to death #psychosis #diet schizophrenia #i just want to be loved #all I want in life is to be happy

I wish I was soft and sweet and confident.

I wish I didn't overreact to absolutely everything.

I wish I didn't feel physically sick when doing the most mundane tasks.

I wish I wasn't this.

I wish I knew who I was.

I wish I was happy.

I wish I wasn't here.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #borderline personality disorder #fat bitch #fatgirlforlife #actually borderline #everybody hates me #living with borderline #who am i #why am I still like this #why can't i be normal #i thought id be over this depression shit by this age

Them: who got you smiling like that?

Me: *quickly closing my spicychat ai with Negan from the walking dead* No one 😳

#mcfatty #bpd #fat bitch #fatgirlforlife #mental illness #maladaptive coping #maladaptive daydreaming #spicychat #spicychat ai #the walking dead negan #negan smith #twd negan #negan x reader #alone forever

I'm so frustrated all the time. It just fucking consumes me.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #borderline personality disorder #fat bitch #fatgirlforlife #actually borderline #childhood trauma #everybody hates me #living with borderline #angry all the time

From an outside perspective it looks like I'm doing great. I own a house, I go to my full time job every day.

But on the inside I'm falling apart.

I want to quit my job, I want to stay in bed all day and never leave the house.

I don't feel like a person. I'm so alone. I'm so empty. I feel like nothing. I have no purpose. And I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm always waiting for later. Waiting for better things. I don't know how to get there. Everything feels like it's out of reach.

I don't know who I am and I don't think I can continue being this husk of a person.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #fat girl for life #who am i #mdd thoughts #living with borderline #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline

They told me things would get better.

When you get older things will get better. I got older and nothing got better.

Go to university, things will get better. I finished university, nothing got better and now I've got debt.

Get a full time career, things will get better. I got a full time career. It takes up all my time and sometimes helps to forget about the bad things but they didn't better.

Buy a house and things will get better. I bought a house, nothing got better and now I've got more debt.

Nothing ever gets better. I despise myself, I hate my life and want to disappear.

Nothing.

Got.

Better.

Stop saying things will get better.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #fat girl for life #i long to die #now what #everybody hates me #i wish i could unzip this skin #who are you #who am i

It's so hard because I never expected to live past 16 or 18 and yet I'm still here and don't know what to fucking do.

#mental illness #mcfatty #bpd #fat girl for life #borderline personality disorder #personality disorder #why am i even here #i dont know who i am

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