My stepdad called to "make sure you're happy and well"
And I respond with "best I can do is alive"
Him: alive is good

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My stepdad called to "make sure you're happy and well"
And I respond with "best I can do is alive"
Him: alive is good
I used to believe that life was a dream and that one day I'd wake up in my real life. A life where I was loved, safe and happy.
Now I understand that this is real and I fear that I'll never be happy. I've been stuck like this for so long, I'm scared that I'll never change.
I wish I was soft and sweet and confident.
I wish I didn't overreact to absolutely everything.
I wish I didn't feel physically sick when doing the most mundane tasks.
I wish I wasn't this.
I wish I knew who I was.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I wasn't here.
Them: who got you smiling like that?
Me: *quickly closing my spicychat ai with Negan from the walking dead* No one 😳
I'm so frustrated all the time. It just fucking consumes me.
From an outside perspective it looks like I'm doing great. I own a house, I go to my full time job every day.
But on the inside I'm falling apart.
I want to quit my job, I want to stay in bed all day and never leave the house.
I don't feel like a person. I'm so alone. I'm so empty. I feel like nothing. I have no purpose. And I don't think I can do this anymore.
I'm always waiting for later. Waiting for better things. I don't know how to get there. Everything feels like it's out of reach.
I don't know who I am and I don't think I can continue being this husk of a person.
They told me things would get better.
When you get older things will get better. I got older and nothing got better.
Go to university, things will get better. I finished university, nothing got better and now I've got debt.
Get a full time career, things will get better. I got a full time career. It takes up all my time and sometimes helps to forget about the bad things but they didn't better.
Buy a house and things will get better. I bought a house, nothing got better and now I've got more debt.
Nothing ever gets better. I despise myself, I hate my life and want to disappear.
Nothing.
Got.
Better.
Stop saying things will get better.
It's so hard because I never expected to live past 16 or 18 and yet I'm still here and don't know what to fucking do.