#nash rants

[nashdoesstuff]

OUR LOVE IS GOD

OUR LOVE IS GOD

OUR LOVE IS GOD.

[seenashwrite]

You’re not wrong about it being made of trash cans. Just a thought though, if the tin can coffin is at the bottom of the ocean, there’s a *lot* of pressure that would likely make it nearly impossible to bust the lid open. (But I don’t buy for a second that it’ll hold all the way down - that doesn’t make much sense.)

It’s that last word, there: sense. I can suspend disbelief, so can all the audience, the issue I run into (and I’ve said this, repeatedly, when I do recaps and whatnots, and it’s something I look at/for in stories) is: get the easy stuff right, and I’ll buy into all the fantastical stuff thrown at me. This is the easy stuff. I am not a physics guru, and I get this, and you get this, innumerable members of the audience get this, and I cannot figure for the life of me why the bottom of the ocean was even considered as something to float (heh) out there. 

I am about to nerd the hell out.

Let’s talk human body in the ocean:

If the idea is that Dean can’t be dead, or Mikey flies the coop, great, I’m tracking. Issue is, vessels age - see: The Meat F.K.A. Jimmy, Nick, and the glimpses I’ve had of Alt Timeline Zachariah. (I tagged this “spoiler” everybody cool your jets.) Assuming they can sink an air-filled container that ain’t as heavy as a ship in a reasonable amount of time, and assuming it doesn’t buckle (see below), and assuming his lungs don’t implode (along with his eyeballs and veins and arteries and organs and bones crushing, all that nasty, not to mention O2 deprivation should his lungs stay the course), Dean will die of old age. This is dollar store Davy Jones’ Locker they’re trying to pitch, and I ain’t buying. 

Let’s talk the casket itself.

Here’s a steel 55 gallon drum. Steel, y’all. Not thin shitty trashcan. To demonstrate how strong that is, dude pops it a couple times with a sledge hammer, results in a couple modest dents. They add a pitcher of water, seal it and heat it to make it evaporate, filling the barrel with trapped gas. They cool it down by rolling it a few times in a tray of ice (and the bottom of the ocean is hella frigid, bee-tee-dubs), and then presto, the outside pressure - that’s 14.7 psi, just your natural air pressure - does this:

Did I hunt down this video and make a crappy gif? I sure as hell did. Because this is straight dumb. Whoever decided to throw in that plot point is hella dumb. 

I get the box, I don’t mind that specific plot point - like I say, it’s the bottom of the ocean element. Why not do something creepier and more gothic and more in tune with the show and give opportunity to call back to the Lazurus episode, and bury it? Or really creep it up: immurement? Or find a nice cozy crypt or mausoleum, then double-ward said crypt or mausoleum? Hey, while they’re at it, have Cas put him into a coma, since Dean doesn’t need to be consciously trapping Michael since the magic trash cans will be doing it? Use this to buy them some time to figure out a permanent solution? [Bust open The Cage, switch Michaels. Use Nick’s body, he’s bored. Jack volunteers as tribute, okay with being killed, as would prefer to be in heaven with mom vs. powerless on earth. Use Maggie’s body, kill Maggie… okay, that’s just my personal favorite. Hell, go nuts - have Luci possess Sam and cap off the season with a real kickass brother-against-brother battle royale. No flying.]

I have no ending for this.

[seenashwrite]

If people don’t start taking five seconds to tag their stuff & the stuff they pass along - and I mean just the bare minimum - I’m going to start muting them entirely. Everything. All the way. It is so inconsiderate & lazy.

Bare minimums of the ones I cannot for the life of me keep off my dash:

wincest

cockles

jensen x reader

jared x reader

misha x reader

jensen x misha

jensen x jared

jared x jensen

.....and any permutation of the above, including their wives, children, pets, agents, bodyguards, stunt doubles, real estate agent, whatever.

Me liking you & enjoying everything else that comes from you has nothing to do with my distaste for familial sexual relations or putting real people into stories. Everybody’s got their thing. Those just ain’t mine.

If you stand behind what you wrote and/or you stand behind what you’re passing along, TAG THE THING.

And if for whatever reason you can’t because your phone is hiccuping or something? SAVE IT TO DRAFT.  The hiccup may remedy itself given a little time, or get on your ‘puter/tablet once you can do so. 

[seenashwrite]

“Sweetheart,” Dean said, looking right into her eyes, “I think you should...”

Careful! How you finish that line is gonna make-or-break how well you’ve captured Dean Winchester in that fic you’re working on. Why, you may ask? Keep reading. And to you who are familiar with this topic... 

NOTE: Any subsequent “add-ons” via others sharing their thoughts on the topic which resulted in other posts will be linked at the bottom!

Abstract

Persistent usage in fandom writings ascribing one Dean Winchester a mannerism that relates to interactions with those he is romantically involved - specifically, the substitution of their name with “sweetheart” - is shown via evidence-based research to be in conflict with this fictional character’s established persona and speech patterns thus far.

Data

For your quick ref convenience, “sweethearts” meant in the traditional sense of the word have a ❤️ by the episode title. Let us begin. The facts are these:

SEASON ONE

1.02 Wendigo

[TO FEMALE CHARACTER] Well, sweetheart, I don’t do shorts.

1.16 Shadow

[DEAN looks at MEG, who smiles at him] Oh, sweetheart—you’re dumber than you look…

Later–>

MEG: You know, that shotgun’s not gonna do much good. DEAN: Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. The shotgun’s not for the demon.

SEASON TWO

2.06 No Exit

[TO JO] Sweetheart, this ain’t gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can’t.

SEASON THREE

(The writers’ room got a real hard-on for it this season)

3.04 Sin City

[TO FEMALE CHARACTER] You know, you’re piling it pretty high there, sweetheart. I’m not sure I’m buying.

3.06 Red Sky at Morning

[TO BELA] Well, sweetheart, I don’t need your kind of help.

3.07 Fresh Blood

[TO FEMALE CHARACTER] Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but your blood’s never pumping again.

3.11 Mystery Spot

[TO FEMALE SERVER] ‘Scuse me, sweetheart? Can I get sausage instead of bacon?

3.12 Jus in Bello

[TO BELA] Oh, I’ll find you, sweetheart. You know why? Because I have absolutely nothing better to do than to track…

3.15 Time Is on My Side

[TO BELA] Sweetheart, we are weeks past help.

SEASON FOUR

4.01 Lazarus Rising ❤️

[DEAN approaches the IMPALA, runs a hand along it] Hey, sweetheart, did you miss me?

SEASON FIVE

5.09 The Real Ghostbusters

[FEMALE CHARACTER walks into the room nervously] I don’t wanna do this.

[DEAN leans around the corner] I’m right here sweetheart, I’ve got your back. Trust me, this is going to work. [he then pulls back so he can’t be seen grimacing]

5.11 Sam, Interrupted

[FEMALE CHARACTER walks in their direction]

[DEAN spots her] Oh, no, no, no. Not today, sweetheart. Come on, keep walking…

5.12 Swap Meat

FEMALE SERVER: Here you go, guys.

DEAN: You know, do me a favor, sweetheart. Would you bring me a cheeseburger with extra bacon? And fry an egg on top of it, would you?

SEASON SEVEN  

7.17 The Born-Again Identity

MEG: That hurts my feelings. I’ve been good to you, Dean.

DEAN: No, you’ve been good to you, sweetheart.

SEASON EIGHT

8.08 Hunteri Heroici

FEMALE CAREGIVER: You’re not supposed to be here.

DEAN: Well, trust me, sweetheart, you got bigger fish.

SEASON TEN

10.02 Reichenbach

[FEMALE DANCER is disgusted; she moves to leave]  And we’re done.

[DEAN grabs at her] Hey, hey, hey. Song’s not over, sweetheart.

SEASON TWELVE

12.17 The British Invasion ❤️

[DEAN looks down sight of newly-returned Colt] Welcome back, sweetheart.

SEASON THIRTEEN

13.16 - Scoobynatural ❤️

[DEAN prepares to swing sledgehammer at enchanted TV] Sorry, sweetheart.

.

SEASON FIFTEEN

15.10 - The Heroes' Journey ❤️

[DEAN grabs the grenade launcher] Hey, sweetheart.

Analysis

Of 15 seasons and 320 total episodes aired as of this writing, "sweetheart" appears in [*adult] Dean's dialogue 20 times in 19 episodes. So, 19 is 5.9375% of 320. That's not even one quarter.

He just doesn’t use the word often, folks.

[Note: to get a precise percentage of its appearance in his actual dialogue, you’d need to count every single word the man has spoken - I’d think taking out “a”, “and”, “the”, and “I” would be acceptable - and good luck, there. I ain’t your girl. Another possibility would be to compare “sweetheart” to other nicknames he’s given people - again, knock yourself out. This is just to illustrate its appearances across seasons. A tangential comparison? Take your number of fics involving Dean - i.e., your # of episodes - count the “sweethearts”, and do your percentage.]

Of the 20 usages, 4 are of a clearly affectionate nature: once to Baby the Impala, once to the Colt, once to the enchanted television, once to the grenade launcher.

The remaining uses - all directed at female characters - are of a false comfort, patronizing, and/or manipulative nature, because a portion of Dean’s persona is that of an irredeemable asshole. The character is greater than the sum of his parts, true - but that is an undeniable part.

Thus, this does not seem to be a substitute name Dean Winchester bestows upon persons of a beloved nature. It is scantly, possibly endearing - albeit patronizing - when he’s used it as a substitute name for waitresses.

Visual Aids

[Note: Someone jokingly asked for a pie chart last time - ‘cause hello, what’s a Dean topic without PIE! - and I did them and they were silly. Here’s the replacement, which IMO is an improvement and completely scientifically accurate, I’m sure you’ll agree]

Wrap Up

Could there be any exceptions?

Sure. If he's Demon!Dean and it's not romantic and is a pure smutty hate f*ck - in that instance, the data would most assuredly support the author’s choice.

Also supportable would be complete off-the-rails AU fics [as in: Dean's not a hunter, he's a mechanic from Regular Town, USA] because in those cases, no one expects him to be canon-friendly.

Here, have a cheat sheet:

.

And what’s my personal opinion?

Dean doesn’t call people of significance by that endearment in a heartfelt manner, reserving it solely for inanimate objects (Baby, the Colt, the TV, and the grenade launcher), because they pose no threat of rejecting him. So... maybe it actually does mean something loving and sentimental to him. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t used it on someone he’s crazy about.... has he met that person yet? Again, maybe. Are the writers doing this purposefully? Is Jensen maybe slipping a handful of ‘em in, as well? Ya got me.

In any event, there’s the obvious: They’re all objects to him, useful for specific tasks regarding things he needs/wants - food, beer, sex, baiting a ghost, mindless entertainment - or they’re an adversary who is standing between him and something he needs/wants. Either way, all ultimately disposable. That ain’t sweet, nor does it have heart.

Bottom line

If you are professing that your story is canon?

Stop. Having. Dean. Call. You. Sweetheart.

You, your O.C., the friend you're writing into a fic so they can get boned by Dean, any other character you're having Dean bang-a-rang... if they don't go VROOOOM or go BOOM or go ZOOM, it's an inappropriate nickname.

Hypothesis on overall reception by SPN fanfiction authors, specifically those writing Dean in sexual/romantic encounters?

Utter rejection.

* Final Note: there is Teenage Dean usage of a snot-faced “sweetheart” that further supports the hypothesis, however it has been excluded due to age - as the topic is Dean in romantic/sexual fanfics - and due to the fact this was already a slam-dunk case. 

Astute data-crunching followers have also pointed out the use of “sweetheart” by one John Winchester in a patronizing manner towards a female vampire. 

The original data crunch - linked at top - also noted the use of an affectionate “sweetheart” by one Mary Winchester, which was directed towards Baby. 

Sam is not covered here because I don’t care about him.

I’m kidding. To not care would be something, and I nothing Sam.

I’m kidding. 

See? He gets me. 

(Sources: Available SPN Wiki transcripts)

ETA: More sweetheart talk via “Dear Nash” HERE and HERE

ETA #2 [Feb. 2018]: Nash’s breakdown of how to assess & choose a NON-sweetheart endearment specifically for “Dean In Love” situations is HERE  

.

* Up to date as of July 2020 *

[seenashwrite]

You know, the *only* time I post back-to-back-to-back without some semblance of space/without queuing is when I live blog. But hey - don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

#unreal #and always in pairs #like it’s goddamn Noah’s ark

[seenashwrite]

Check your stories, folks...

...including the ones without images. Because here at my place, all five parts of “SNIPED” and also “Kiss” have been deleted. 

This is the (semi-) strongly worded note that support just received:

.

Hello, hope this finds you well. Two of my stories have been removed in error. They contain erotic *words* but did not/do not/never have contained NSFW *images*. It was my understanding that erotica was permitted under the new guidelines. Further, they were both marked as "Sensitive" at time of publish - you can actually see where I stated such on the master post for one of the stories:

http://seenashwrite.tumblr.com/post/161347027660/sniped-master-post

That story has 5 parts - all are gone.

The second story in question was at this URL -

http://seenashwrite.tumblr.com/post/178361061545/kiss

They *do* have accompanying gifs, but they are merely title gifs - no lewd content - they are "homemade" for lack of better term.

I look forward to your prompt response and the prompt restoration of my work. Best - Nash.

.

Meantime, those are at AO3, so if they don’t get restored, you can find them here.   (And of course, they will always live on my hard drive, along with all your kind feedback!)

ETA: Apparently they can be seen by some in the “sidebar” and on mobile, but if you open in a new tab on your laptop/desktop, there’s nothing. Which, for me as a laptop-only user (I refuse to put any more things on my phone to which I am beholden), this is a no-go, because opening in a new tab is how I have the ability to edit a given post (if a contact link changes for example). 

ETA #2 (19 Dec) - They’ve written me twice with “standby” sort of emails, and I replied with a short note clarifying the above. I have to hope they “get it”, and perhaps just taking them off of “sensitive” is the answer, which now clearly has to be done on staff’s end since I cannot get to the posts. I am almost positive (but will of course accept being wrong) that they had the algorithm mass block anything that was self-marked by a user - as we were *supposed to* - as “sensitive” without regard for the actual content, and all they did was create more work for themselves.

I’ll update this post and let y’all know when/if I hear from them. I’ll wait til close of business Thursday (so that they still have Friday, particularly if it’s a short day for them due to the holiday), that’s basically a whole work week which I feel is more than generous, seeing as how the emails show the issue is on their radar.

[seenashwrite]

A Slight Sunday Snark + A Shout-Out

You know, there's a weird part of me that enjoys reading Poor Man's Nash. I somehow feel as if I deserve a 25-35% cut of the hundreds of notes, though. Like a ghost writer, albeit one who didn't agree to haunt their brain.

Tangentially-related: Secret shout-out to the person who spotted what they found to be similarities to something of mine in another writer’s fic. They kindly mentioned it to the writer, who took it to heart, and equally kindly asked me for my take. I read it over and did so - it didn’t grab me in the quite the same way it did the concerned party (I saw their point, though, and so did writer), ergo I requested nothing of writer in terms of a change/alteration to their work.

Thank you both - you rock on levels geologists would be hard-pressed to find, and I appreciate it more than I can say. 😘

[seenashwrite]

PSA: That Ain’t How It Works - Asthma Edition

I was recently sent a link to a fic where someone asserted that through Dean’s sweet words & adoration & mere presence, he was able to comfort Wyenne out of an acute asthma attack induced by extreme stress & physical exertion.

Hey, Jenny McCarthy?

People cannot meditate themselves out of or be hugged and smooched and loved out of an acute cascade of physiologic reactions related to a chronic condition. If people could, we wouldn’t need medical intervention and medication regimens and standby medications for emergent situations, now would we?

Can “pros” at this chronic disease jam sense the onset of a “Hoo-boy, something’s cooking!” episode - a.k.a., the onset of an acute event, which is what was described in your tale of insipid ignorance - related to a chronic condition? Like an arrhythmia kick-up, or early migraine symptoms such as auras, or a glucose level drop/rise, or - hey! - airway tightening, and get the jump on it to a degree, get themselves out of a given location if an avoidable external factor is part of the problem, get their “pocket med” on standby, maybe prevent it from completely whooping their ass, dodge an ER visit? To be sure!

But, how to put this... like, um, so, lol:

We 👏 can’t 👏 psych 👏 ourselves 👏 out 👏 of 👏 medical 👏 emergencies

Because - say it with me, now - if we could, then it wouldn’t be an emergency.

When people start sucking wind due to a stressful situation and there’s a chance that no medication or medical intervention is needed, and they can walk themselves through it/be walked through it by another person via comfort or distraction or employing some sort of mental strategy or breathing exercise or change of location or WHATEVER, that’s a panic attack. 

Panic attacks are the physical manifestation of psychological stressors/anxieties. Panic attacks can be caused by the stress of a medical condition. Not all panic attacks result in hyperventilation. Not all gasps from surprise/shock or periods of rapid breaths, such as during intercourse, will result in an asthmatic having an acute episode. Asthma isn’t the only cause of respiratory distress. Certainly, an acute asthma exacerbation is respiratory distress, and a panic attack can roll into an acute asthma exacerbation - jeez, increased stress in general can roll into, for instance, a legit cardiac-related episode, not to mention a smattering of other things, all depending on the patient and their specific medical history.

That’s because pathophysiology is a humdinger of a rollercoaster ride, and there are myriad things that can serve to trigger a variety of bodily responses resulting in/complicating a host of conditions, including - you guessed it! - asthma.

Asthma is a complex condition, but to broadly sweep, here are a few items that Dean, in all his green-eyed glory, can’t do f*ck all about: Airway inflammation! Take away an allergy and/or suck all the perfume or smoke or other particle trigger from the air! Deliver oxygen! Stop smooth muscle spasms! Alleviate bronchoconstriction! Dilate airway! Undo genetic predisposition! Halt mucus secretion! Reverse cell infiltration! Disappear a viral infection! Turn his lips and tongue into a nebulizer to buy enough time to get the person to a hospital!

If you are present when a loved one - hell, a complete stranger - is in the throes of an acute asthma attack, by all means, be a calm presence for them while their meds kick in, or while en route to the ER, or while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Sure, hold their hand if it comforts them, and breathe in-and-out slowly, that’s a great thing for them to have in their line of sight. But understand this: it’s not that they don’t want to take the ol’ “slow, deep breaths, sugarsnacks!” advice - I assure you, they do - it’s that they can’t.

And to suggest that they can to the hundreds of folks that have read such a scenario, and reblogged these assertions to be read by who knows how many more, is irresponsible at best, dangerous at worst. I mean, unreal. Let’s go ahead and tell insulin-dependent diabetics Sam can massage away a glucose spike, and that a quickie with Dean in Baby’s backseat will remedy that aortic dissection right fast, and that a big ol’ patented Winchester Special group hug’ll clear up a ruptured appendix in just one squeeze.

You are out of your element, Donny. So before you take on another endeavor containing a topic outside your expertise?

Do. The. Homework. You. Lazy. Twit.