October 18, 2009
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 82
Don't change urinals midstream. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73
TERRORIST 1: Let's commit atrocities! TERRORIST 2: What about America's "resolve?" T1: Lucid point. T2: Cancel everything? T1: Of course. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51
One nice thing about not having kids is a house full of unbroken crap. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 46
Facebook just recommended I add myself as a friend. Waiting for Netflix to recommend I watch my own homemade porn. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44
Dessert sounds nice, but I'm trying to watch my neighbor's girlish figure. Maybe later. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44
Seasonal changes getting you down? THEN YOU MIGHT BE A LEAF. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 43
"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Please, officer. My family and I have been at a pumpkin farm. Of course I've been drinking." @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 43
I almost hit a woman and her seeing-eye dog with my car. They were obviously in my blind spot. @MODAT (Modat) – 41
If Kirk Cameron thinks that bananas fitting in a person's grip is proof that a god exists, then I think that god also loves handjobs. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 39
Age 8: Cap'n Crunch right after pouring milk in. Age 40: Mini Pizza Bites right after microwaving. The roof of my mouth never ages. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 39
Being on Twitter makes someone a writer in the same way that being on Cops makes someone a TV star. @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 39
At my age, hearing that I'm a natural at something I don't do professionally further confirms that I've wasted my life. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 38
Her: You used to say excuse me when you farted. Him: You used to let me cum in your mouth. Equity depends on perspective. @Beef_Tongue (Monkey Butler) – 37
My son is getting over the swine flu. After everything I'd read on Twitter, I'd really expected it to be funnier. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 36
I'm not saying I have an Internet porn addiction but the lady in front of me in line got some Bufferin and I started to take off my pants. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 36
Here's a brand I haven't heard from in a while: Selsun Blue. I hope everything's okay. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 35
I'm watching baseball, but I'm thinking about mastur-SEX! I'm thinking about sex. With a woman. I mean, my wife. Me having sex with my wife. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 35
I first learned to cook after remarking (in front of my mum), that men were chefs while women were cooks, and nearly starving to death. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 35
The Beaver moon is waxing. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 34
