Eschewing whoop-ass, Canadians are more likely to open a can of Fresca on you. Careful! You'll be refreshed!
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64
My trainer's all like "Cheese-Its are a bad post-workout snack."
And I'm all like "I left the gym an hour ago. Why are you in my kitchen?"
@Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 53
Had a dream I had sex with Rosa Parks. Oddly, we did it standing up.
@MODAT (Modat) – 51
Saving of daylight is not going to jumpstart this economy. We need to start spending our grandchildren's daylight. C'mon, people!
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 47
You folks with the Wii Fits know about the pay-per-view channel where the rest of us watch you, right?
Keep it up, that's some funny shit.
@toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 44
So you're telling me that taxes stifle innovation more than, say, banning and underfunding sound scientific research?Huh.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44
If your spouse asks, "You're not Twittering _again_, are you?" but you're actually playing iPhone bowling, the truth will not set you free.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43
FACT: Scientists have proven that sex cures headaches, but the findings have been suppressed by the powerful observational comedy lobby.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43
Jogging is the best way to trick your neighbors into thinking you're normal.
@scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 41
I tried to explain podcasts to her dad. "It's like camping next to a couple of guys who know you can hear them. One plays a kazoo."
@trelvix (Trelvix) – 38
I admire people who send me e-mail expecting a quick response. America needs that brand of rugged, screw-the-odds optimism. Especially now.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 37
The thing about having a bigger rack than my sister is that her kids are fascinated by it. Haven't been groped this much since summer camp.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 37
Podcasts are like baby alligators. You want one 'cause they're cute, but then you flush it and it mutates in the sewers and hobos ride them.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36
As a birthday gift to my husband, I am not calling him out on any of his bullshit today. It won't be easy.
@AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 36
Told that my nephew went for a walk with his toy shopping cart, I said, "Aw, he was playing hobo!" Nobody laughed and I missed you people.
@superfantastic (superfantastic) – 36
When making coffee, use a coffee filter. Do not use a box of taco shells.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33
There are certain people who shouldn't say "Let's bounce"
to indicate a desire to depart.
They are everyone.
@ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 33
sometimes, i don't think i'm old enough to use a spoon, and other times i just catapult food all over my face.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 33
Coming up too fast on the end of Chris Moore's new book, so I shut off the audiobook & tried to think about baseball to make it last longer.
@tj (TJ Luoma) – 33
Hallmark has nothing for "Sorry I bailed on your baby shower but I couldn't bear your staying with that abusive fuckwad who knocked you up."
@vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 32
