Blake: How the hell are you surviving Neo and Torchwick both?!
Jaune: Oh, just straight up asking. Feels novel.
Jaune: Never mind that. To answer your question, I've always been rather resilient.
Blake: Your tale of initiation is still being told today.
Jaune: It was probably the best quality of mine back then. And maybe still is now.
Blake: How did this whole thing even happen?
Jaune: Well, you know the whole thing with my transcripts?
Blake: Another tale still being told today.
Jaune: Yeah... so I had to get those papers from somewhere. And from someone.
Blake: And what, buying that stuff from them got you two criminals stealing your heart?
Jaune: Uuuh... nothing quite so romantic. I... kinda... sort of got a little blackmailed.
Blake: Jaune. What the fuck did they make you do?
Jaune: It was more "who the fuck" then "what the fuck", really.
Jaune: I might have, sort of gotten convinced to maybe do a... somewhat less-than-legal adult movie shoot.
Blake: They made you do a porno?!
Jaune: Oh yeah, say it a little louder, I don't think people heard you BACK IN MISTRAL!
Blake: The question stands, and the volume too. With the addition of who you had to fuck.
Jaune: I don't know that one.
Blake: Just get it on with explaining how you got it on with the creamy shortstack and her pumpkin titted- and themed- boss.
Jaune: An apt if insulting descriptor of both. Please make sure to never utter those words around them. You will wake up with one less kidney.
Blake: Noted, now continue please.
Jaune: Only because you said please. Anyway, Neo and Roma run this bootleg movie thing where Neo transforms herself in to nearly perfect, but clearly not quite, copies of somewhat famous women.
Blake: What you mean, "but clearly not quite"?
Jaune: Most of these are like "Woah" tall, whilst Neo will always be "Awww" tall no matter what.
Blake: Interesting... Which famous women?
Jaune: Uuuh... Glynda Goodwitch, Pyrrha Nikos, Sienna Khan-
Jaune: Yeah, was kinda awkward to meet the real Glynda and Pyrrha not long after.
Blake: Not who I... Never mind. Anyone else?
Jaune: Oh yeah, there was... Lisa Lavender, Maria Calavera and a genderbent Qrow Branwen.
Blake: Huh? To the last two, I mean.
Jaune: Yeah, there's some old news reels with what she looked like about 60 years ago. She was quite the stunner back then.
Blake: Wow, hard to believe she's gotten so short.
Jaune: And not sure why or how they came up with a genderbent version of Ruby and Yang's uncle. Was a bit of a weird one to shoot, what with the resemblance to Yang and all.
Blake: He has a twin sister.
Blake: That sister is Yang's bio-mom.
Jaune: That was Yang's mom?!
Blake: You could see the resemblance between Qrow and Yang, yet fail to see how that would connect Yang and her actual mom?
Jaune: Thought we had established I can be a bit of a dense motherfucker?
Blake: Nearly quite literally all things considered.
Jaune: Har har. Anyway, whilst... production of the movie went on, things kinda changed midway through.
Jaune: Not sure what the deal was and/or is between Lisa and Roma, but when we started filming that scene, Roma decided to... involve herself personally and quite actively.
Blake: You must've impressed them both a lot. And pressed them into the mattress a lot too.
Blake: Niiiice. Okay, so you were made to bang just one criminal, but turned out to be so good at it that a second just had to join in. How does this lead to today?
Jaune: After... production was properly wrapped up and finished they had me stay in contact with them. Supposedly because of the blackmail they had over me.
Jaune: Yeah... it wasn't so much blackmail as it was thinly disguised bootycalls.
Blake: And how did these bootycalls translate into enough influence to make them betray Cinder and keep Vale safe? Don't tell me it's because your dick was that good...
Jaune: I mean, it wasn't just that! It just happened to result in me learning about Cinder's plot and being able to leverage them into switching sides.
Blake: Leveraging them with your dick.
Jaune: You make it sound like my dick saved Remnant...
Blake: You approached Neo Politan and Roma Torchwick so you could enter Beacon with some falsified transcripts. This resulted in a blackmail banging for bucks from the bootleg bazaar after which a bootycall bone-nanza made sure you remained in close contact with the two of them.
Jaune: Puns and alliterations? Really?
Blake: Through them you learned about Cinder's first plot to sabotage the Central Communication Tower. Thanks to which we could prevent a dangerous virus from being uploaded, one that would've made all the mechanical Atlas troops go rogue.
Jaune: That Watts guy wasn't so dead after all. Funny that.
Blake: Then your dick also gave us a lead about Cinder's business at Mountain Glen with the White Fang. Because of that we managed to eliminate the most radical and extremist faction from the movement.
Jaune: Not to mention all the Dust we recovered too.
Blake: After foiling these two major operations of Cinder, your fucking around with criminal elements gave us info on her last act of terror. This would result in us being able to prevent utter disaster from happening during the Vytal Festival, as Cinder now lacked manpower, resources and Grimm.
Jaune: Pyrrha becoming Vytal Champion was pretty awesome fight though. That Penny girl likely was the toughest opponent she ever had.
Blake: Thanks to that and following Cinder's capture, we learned about the danger in Mistral, saving dozens of professional Huntsmen from being sent to their deaths by Headmaster Lionheart.
Jaune: Who'd have known that guy was such a scaredy-cat.
Blake: Because of that we functionally saved both Vale and Mistral from collapsing whilst also covertly informing the rest of the world that something really bad was going on.
Jaune: Ozpin's little shadow war was getting a bit silly.
Blake: And because we managed to expose Lionheart's treason, we could also track the crazed serial killer Tyrian Callows. Thanks to that we could prevent the political assassination of Robyn Hill for the vacant council seat of Atlas and Mantle.
Jaune: And we got to put Weiss' dad in prison for election fraud and collusion with hostile foreign elements.
Blake: And since the CCTs were all still completely functional, Atlas, Mantle, Vacuo and even Menagerie all managed to communicate and coordinate a response that would UNITE Remnant against Cinder's master.
Jaune: Hell of a message to broadcast to the world, but can't argue with the results.
Blake: And with all of Remnant united against Salem, and with us having complete control of all the Maiden's Relics, and with Ozpin alive, we could confront the Brother Gods. Together.
Jaune: Those guys were divine assholes.
Blake: Which caused the Brother Gods to judge in our favour, stripping Salem of her immortality and ending what was effectively the longest hostile divorce in Remnant's history.
Jaune: Such a silly shadow war, finally done.
Blake: So yeah. Your dick saved Remnant.
Blake: This is the part where you say "you're welcome".
Blake: Yeah, sure. Thank you so much, or whatever. When did those two, and you as well, realise this wasn't just a lust story anymore? That it had become a love story instead, I mean.
Jaune: Uuuh... somewhere between Mountain Glenn and Vytal, I think. Neo had just broken Roma out of jail after her arrest earlier that week.
Blake: Wait, but that would mean... Are you saying that the first thing they did after breaking out of Atlas detainment was finding you for a Gods be damned bootycall?!
Blake: Seriously? How good is your dick for that to be the first thing they go for?!
Jaune: I dunno! In any case, the time in confinement gave Roma some time to think, reflect and reevaluate a couple of things. Turns out Neo did the same whilst she was planning the breakout.
Blake: And they thought about your dick.
Blake: Mostly your dick then.
Jaune: I... That... It wasn't...
Jaune: Okay, fine... It was mostly my dick.
Blake: Damn right it was... but go on.
Jaune: It's just that besides the... physical stuff, we also just chatted. Simple talks. Sharing of little dreams, ambitions and what not. Neo would sign and use her Semblance, but still. We learned about one another, you know? Got invested and stuff.
Blake: What? Did you start to appeal to their better nature or something? Because they were "invested" in you now?
Jaune: Ha, no! Not in the slightest. For the most part they just started figuring that staying aligned with Cinder would just result in them either being imprisoned or dead.
Blake: And after Mountain Glenn?
Jaune: They admitted they both missed me having around. And not just physically. Sure, they liked the physical parts of our deal, it was... compelling. But they couldn't- wouldn't- have switched sides like they did if they didn't feel something beyond the physical.
Jaune: Now that there was something emotional present as well, it complicated things. The time they had to think about it just made it transform into a conclusion of romantic interest.
Blake: Not the craziest reason for a love confession.
Jaune: Yeah, and unlike you and Yang I didn't have to nearly die to a psycho ex-lover inside the ruins of a deserted mountain city.
Blake: Woah! Low blow, dude.
Jaune: But accurate. Seriously, we're just glad we no longer have to suffer all the wistful pining, furtive glances and lovestruck sighs now.
Jaune: Although Weiss could do without your PDA right in front of her every time she's trying to eat her salad.
Jaune: Anyway, to finish this story. I didn't completely reform two criminals, but at least these days they're only a nuisance rather than a menace.
Blake: Would be nice if Torchwick could stop trying to get her hands on a mech every so often.
Jaune: Ah, yeah... hehehe... that thing...
Blake: Jaune... what reason could Torchwick possibly have to want an Atlas mech that badly?
Jaune: She... might want to do a little bit of filming in the cockpit of one...
Blake: I can help! I can provide paints and skin tight suits for the two of them to fit the setting! I could even plan an escape route for them next time they try to acquire the mech.
Jaune: No, you crazy cat!
Blake: Yes, crazy cat me! Gotta go. Need to make a call to Torchwick!
Jaune: Hey! Get back here!
