on graduation night, todd sees neil in a dream. it’s not the first time, but it is the only instance where neil isn’t simply part of a plot. he just…stands there. and todd knows. he knows this is as close as he will ever get to saying goodbye.
and yet, neil does not speak. it’s strange, the usually bubbly boy doesn’t say a word. and todd screams, and pleads, “i love you, i love you, say anything, please”
and when todd has yelled himself hoarse, he sits. and neil sits. and todd stares, and whispers.
“i’m sorry”
and finally, neil raises his head.
“why?”
todd laughs, rough and wet.
“i’m sorry that i wasn’t enough to keep you here.”
and he knows. he knows it’s just a dream. but oh god, when neil cups his cheek, he can feel it. he can feel the warmth and the rough fingertips and the indent of the small mole on neil’s inner arm.
“todd. todd, my love. this was never your fault”
and todd is angry. angry at himself, because he believes this dream-ghost-hallucination neil. he trusts him. because how could he not?
“i am proud of you. i am proud of everything about you. i am proud of who you are becoming.
i love you, todd anderson. do you know that?”
todd wakes with a start, and for a minute, he is confused. where is neil? why isn’t he there, in the bed beside him?
and it hits him. and he cries. as he has cried every night, and will cry every night. sobs shake his body, doubled over in bed.
15 years later, in the dedication of todd anderson’s first published book of poetry, there is a dedication.
to neil- i have never doubted your love. not once. i miss you every day