when solji learned that she would need to rap for this project, she felt her whole body go stiff. rap was one of her weakest skills, if she could even call it a skill. sure, she could say words, but she didn’t feel like she exuded the right swag or rhythm or whatever it was that rappers just seemed to have. having lived with chaeyoung for as long as she had, solji was now regretting not having learned from the other earlier. now, here she was, stuck with no ideas as to what to even do for the project.
“kaeun-ah,” she looked up at the other female, sighing softly to herself. “do you think you could help me with this?” truth be told, she wasn’t fully aware of whether or not kaeun was a skilled rapper, but at this point, she felt like everyone around her could be considered to be stronger than she was. it simply had never been one of the skillsets she had concerned herself with in the past. after all, she never thought she would be tested on it.
he was better, a bit better at least after he had been sent to rest. but that wasn’t bambam. as soon as he felt well enough to get up and go, he went straight to the practice rooms. it was fairly late, he hadn’t realized he slept in so late but maybe sunmi warned them to let him rest. he didn’t allow himself time to capture it. even with a slight pounding headache. maybe he could catch someone to watch his routine.
and he was in luck, just as he got to one of the rooms he saw hyuna. it was safe to assume she was preparing for the dance eval, but that didn’t stop him from walking in when her music stopped. “hello~” his voice was bright as it could be, even talking too loud seemed to hurt a little bit. “if you don’t mind, would you be able to watch my routine for the dance eval? i wanted get a little feedback.”
⭐️ — sn project: month one, week three — ⭐️
now playing: shut up and dance by jason derulo, lay (exo), & nct 127
week three should be easy for her—“should” being the key word. and it is. it’s far easier than the week designated for singing, and it’s miles better than the second week that she will, from here on out, never acknowledge ever again. but at the same time, there’s something missing in her. meiqi feels oddly… empty, as if everything she’s ever known was a lie.
she’s never been truly embarrassed, not since the second she was born and, for the longest time, she truly believed she would never feel embarrassed. meiqi doesn’t do embarrassed. she never has anything to be ashamed of. she’s kissed a girl in public for free food; she’s danced in the middle of a coffee shop to break her friend out of his shell; she’s thrown up on someone’s lawn after an intense night of drinking and dancing, and not once has she shied away from the fact that she’s done all of these things.
there’s this weight on her shoulders, pressing down on her and forcing meiqi to feel smaller than she really is. it’s there when she showers and she no longer sings into the shampoo bottle, and it’s there when she’s in a practice room staring at herself in the mirror as she tries to work out how to transition from one move to another. it’s just… always there, always reminding her that she’s a failure and that the worst moment of her life has probably been broadcasted for the millions of people on YouTube who follow or don’t follow nova. anyone can see it.
why does she care so much anyways? meiqi has never minded about what others think of her, so why has she suddenly developed this fear of the public’s perception on her skill set in a position which she knows she will never be in? she’s a dancer. she can sing. she’s pretty. that’s all that should matter.
that word again. “should.” she’s about ready to crack her knuckles against the wall, before realizing that it would not be taken lightly by netizens.
get your mind in a better place, meiqi scolds herself internally, pairing her words of encouragement with a few knocks to her skull. she needs to focus less on what has already happened, and more on what she wants to happen in the future.
originally, meiqi was going to perform a song that she had worked on for a while prior to the sn project announcement. she figured she would just tweak it a little and, since she had never posted videos about it online, that it would work out fine. now, a part of her wonders if she should do something completely new to prove, to herself and the coaches, that she’s worthy of a spot in their future group, that sure, she can’t rap, but they’d be making a huge mistake by overlooking her proficiency in dancing.
her performance on sunday was karma for taking the easy way out. if she doesn’t challenge herself this week, especially as this is her forte, then she’s gone.
finding a new song is the easy part. there are so many songs with funky or experimental beats. meiqi listens to a few on a recommended playlist to let her body get a feel for the vibe that the song exudes, until she settles on a fresh track.
there’s no time to waste, and so meiqi begins her choreography process.
* * *
while she works hard to perfect her choreography, meiqi doesn’t forget to engage the camera. during one of her few self-allowed breaks, she chugs half a bottle of water before approaching one of the cameras. meiqi tilts her head to one side, and then the other, before screwing her face in different ways to produce silly expressions. finally, she settles for pointing at the camera teasingly. “you... are you challenging me to a dance battle?!”
she pretends to beat box as she mimics some b-boying moves with half the energy that’s expected of one. meiqi finishes with a spin that lands her on her tippy toes, laughing to herself before bowing at the camera. she offers it a round of applause. “i think you won, cam.” that sounds cute. maybe that’ll be her nickname for the technology from now on. “let’s get back to practicing!”
* * *
this time, when she steps into the room to face all three coaches, the feeling is different. she’s not scared of messing up, but maybe that’s because she’s been sleeping on the floor in the practice room for the past three days and she wakes up every hour to run through the choreography at least twice to make sure that she has it all down.
it’s fine. meiqi has downed three and a half cans of redbull. she can last for a couple more hours.
she starts with her back towards the coaches, turning slowly with the music before going all out. meiqi can dance this in her sleep (which she has quite literally done, thank you very much). her movements are powerful and precise, and she doesn’t hold back. she’s in her element when it comes to dancing, especially because she’s going for a sexier, more fierce feeling. and this is who she is: not a rapper who forgets the next beat, nor an embarrassed little bitch. she has nothing to be embarrassed about, not today.
well, at least until she’s finished the performance and she can go back to worrying over last week. ah, none of it makes sense.
“so, how’re you finding this whole show so far?“ hyuna asks, sitting down on the floor after they had a good few runs through the song. it wasn’t difficult for her, in all honesty. it wasn’t the first time she had been on something like that, and there was that constant nagging feeling at the back of her head, telling her, it won’t be her last one. “is it difficult not being able to call family or friends?“ she adds, reaching for her water bottle and taking a sip from it.
every now and again, or to be precise, every week, they were allowed to call someone from the outside world. however, for hyuna, it was usually taeil, to ask him if her cats are doing well and have some small talk. she couldn’t call kangjoon, that would probably make everything suspicious. just the thought makes her sighs but she rolls her shoulders instead to cover it up “i wish i could go to the store every now and again, see some sunlight.” she jokes, looking at yongsun with a smile.
sunmi wasn’t particularly worried about this week. it was the final week of their skill regimen. she hadn’t done amazing during the previous week although she feels as though that had been the case for a majority of the company outside the (what? five?) rappers there. that was to be expected since the company was filled with a majority of vocalists.
sunmi also anticipates for a vast majority of the company to struggle this week as well. unlike them, she wouldn’t be. she knew she was going to end up helping a good lot of them so they wouldn’t fail miserably. a lot of them had improved greatly but they still doubted themselves. fixating on their faults were going to do nothing to help them improve. this brings her to jungwoo. her pupil for the hour.
“you know what this means, right?” she says, narrowing her eyes at jungwoo to see if he’d falter or reconsider his decision in asking sunmi for assistance. when she doesn’t see any immediate signs of him wavering, she continues. “this means i have to be critical. i’m not trying to be mean spirited. i have to criticise you so you’re more wary of how you present yourself in choreographies, okay?” she wasn’t an easy person to please. in fact she took dancing seriously. she wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre. it was a part of the reason why sunmi knew she wasn’t going to struggle this week.
“if you’re not up for it then you’re free to ask hui oppa or ricky to help you with your dancing.”
the room is reminiscent to that during the mgas. it’s empty, with only a chair, camera and his coach. haknyeon looks around, eyes a little wide before he takes a seat. subconsciously, he rubs at his throat and bites at his bottom lip.
a one-on-one session, a session where he was supposed to share some of his private thoughts.
“how was your week?” minsoo asks. and the question is simple enough but for some reason it scratches at haknyeon’s chest in an uncomfortable manner. how should he reply? it’s felt like shit because i have to sing? because i know i’m the worst singer out of everyone here? haknyeon had no idea what exactly he should’ve said.
“overwhelming,” he replies honestly. “... i’m scared,” he says after a moment. “we’re doing singing for the first evaluation and i... i know i’m not a good singer. compared to everyone here, i’m probably the worst singer. it’s the first evaluation and i’m already afraid that i’ll do badly. i’ve been trying my best so far so i just... i hope i’ve improved. i’m really trying.” haknyeon furrows his brows. after a moment, he looks up, as though he’d just remembered something. “oh. and it’s my birthday tomorrow. i’ll finally become an adult,” at this, he at least smiles, albeit not as widely.
“it’s your birthday tomorrow and you’re officially becoming an adult but... why don’t you look more happier about it?” minsoo asks.
haknyeon scratches the back of his neck, looking at the floor. “it’s just you know... as a teenager i sort of had this fantasy that i’d be spending my 20th birthday surrounded by my family and friends... and we’d have a ton of fun and celebrate it together. it’s just that...” he pauses for a moment, “i can’t even see them and it’s my birthday. it’s a little lonely,” he confesses.
“you’re the youngest contestant. how have you been adapting?”
“the hyungs are nice,” he answers, smiling. “it was awkward at first actually... rooming with ricky hyung. the both of us weren’t actually that close yet... but it’s better now, he’s a dependable hyung that i know i can trust,” haknyeon replies. “i like rooming with huidong hyung too. he’s like... a hero to me. i’m sure all my b-boy friends in jeju would be super jealous of me,” finally, haknyeon’s smiling a little more. “and there’s jungwoo hyung here. i’ve been spending a lot of time with him, he’s like my best friend! and sunmi noona looks out for me a lot too. they’ve helped me alot.”
minsoo nods her head and looks up at haknyeon. for a moment, he almost forgets about the cameras while talking to her. when he’s done with his session, he bows, the nervousness rushing back in. time to sing.
jungwoo apologizes. jungwoo apologizes again. jungwoo apologizes for the hundredth time after missing the same eight count and ricky can feel jungwoo’s horribly, perfectly meek apology grating, again, at a frayed, tired nerve. jungwoo apologizes again, and that nerve snaps and ricky can feel the rest of his nerves ready to do the same. he exhales harshly out of his nose, clenches his jaw, swallows back everything that wants to come out of him in that moment.
huidong had so diplomatically seen to the center spot being split in half between jungwoo and ricky, and ricky had said nothing. he knew jungwoo was the stronger vocalist. he knew jungwoo was just as charismatic. what he knew was that there was no way jungwoo would master that choreography in a week. what he knew was that the center of a formation should be its strongest point. what he hadn’t anticipated was jungwoo suddenly vying for everything else he’d been holding onto for his future as an idol. what he hadn’t anticipated was himself getting so comfortable with jungwoo’s presence he’d forget how easily it would be for jungwoo to replace him entirely.
jungwoo apologizes again and all ricky can see is rows and rows of tweets supporting jungwoo, jungwoo, jungwoo fresh out of the mgas as if nobody else on his team seemed to exist. all he can see is support for someone he once knew better than to trust, painted in shades of red.
maybe deep down ricky knows it’s irrational, his misplaced anger; but the fear of jungwoo surpassing him, negating all of his own hard work when he is so close to chance of debut, is very reasonable, and very, very real. but because he knows his frustration is, by some rule or another, unwarranted, and vastly unprofessional, so he steps away, briskly walks to a shadowed corner of the room and faces a wall, rocks back on his heels, rests hands on his hips to give his lungs extra room to breathe. they’ll make it through this; somehow they will.
Rapping. What kind of demon possessed the coaches to evaluate rapping?! With Wendy’s non-existent rapping skills? In this economy? Wendy has enough composure not to panic and cry at the thought of having to rap. However, she is this close to a mental breakdown. What if it’s her horrible rapping that gets her thrown out of this project? She’s given up too much for this opportunity, and God forbid it’s her shitty rapping that gets this dream snatched from her.
She enlists help from one of the best rappers she knows. She would have gone to Chaeyoung or Hyuna unni, but they’re probably swamped helping everyone else. Besides, she hasn’t had an excuse to spend time with Hugo. This is a good excuse for them both to get additional screentime as well. He gets the good teacher edit, while she gets the hardworking narrative. This can work.
She’s staring at the lyrics of her chosen song “Jelly.” She’s taken to using her old tactic from the MGAs, which is tapping the floor as she gets the beat of the song in question. “한 발짝 한 발짝 몸이 통통 튀어 / 눈 감고 춤을 춰 like 파도의 flow ~” She groans after she says the final word. “How was that?” she asks, making a face at Hugo.
