It's always so scary to sit in the old recliner downstairs or to move about trying to make myself comfortable in my bed, because both the bed and the recliner are very old. They both creak and make noise, but I seriously can't deal with them giving out. They've been with me for so long now. They're basically just things I can't imagine life without. I form attachments to objects, and these objects were remarkably easy to form attachments to. Remarkably easy.
That recliner downstairs has been in the house since I was 10. I swear it has. I have vague memories of us getting it brought into the house. I can't remember the year, but I can remember it being brought in here. I don't remember what we had before it, but it's been a part of my life for at least a decade. It's easy to form attachments to objects when you've had them that long. There's an old loveseat we have too which I'm very attached to. It's been in the house since my memories began developing, basically. It was a part of my life, and I refused to part with it. I don't even use it now, but I can't bear to replace it.
My bed is very similar to the recliner, if I'm being honest. For something like the first 10 years of my life, I refused to sleep anyone unless I was sleeping in bed with my dad. I was scared of the dark and petrified of sleeping alone. I couldn't do it. But one day my parents forced me to do it. They forced me to sleep in my bedroom all alone. I believe they even got me a new bed around that time to help me with the transition. It's hard to remember exactly, but I know this happened. There's evidence in pencil. Because I was having a tantrum about it all, and I took a pencil to my bedroom door. I wrote tallies like they do in the prison movies and added an "I hate it here!!!" for extra measure. So it definitely happened. And that's how I got my bed and started sleeping alone.
This bed is now kind of small for me. The bedframe is also the same frame I've had since I was a child, and it's made of wood in certain areas. So there is a fear when it squeaks and creaks that I'll end up laying in bed and falling down a bit one day when the planks supporting the bed collapse. It's a frightening thought. Sometimes I'm also scared the old recliner will give way one day with me in it, and that that'll somehow lead to me getting hurt.
It's all really frightening to think about, but I still can't bring myself to part with anything. Even as I lay in bed right now and feel aware that the bed is old and I'm definitely a bit big for it, I can't handle the idea of parting with it. It's a part of my life. In the same way High School was a part of my life and the old recliner was a part of my life and my old tablet was a part of my life and the old loveseat was a part of my life. It's change and parting with these heavily emotionally charged objects that definitely freaks me out.
It's very stressful knowing I probably have to part with these objects, and my brain is simply unable to deal with all of that right now. With college and stomach pains and congestion and more occupying my time, I have no time left over to deal with the idea of losing all this stuff. I fully believe it could happen, but I also feel like losing this stuff could just give me a nervous breakdown now. That's slightly hyperbolic, but not all that much so. It's really very, very stressful. sigh…