#orangewoman

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Dear Syracuse University Basketball Fans, 

As most of you know, Syracuse University's Men's Basketball Team has self-imposed a ban to participate in the post season. A lot of people, including myself, are having a difficult time understanding what exactly is happening. The best way to figure this out? Metaphors. 

Syracuse's Men's Basketball Team is like....

1. When you're about to go to bed on Christmas Eve and you say out loud, hoping Santa can hear, "HEY SANTA. I lied a few times this year so let's not do this whole Christmas thing tomorrow."

2. When you get in a fight at a bar and before the bouncer comes over to kick you out, you kick your own ass out the door and onto the sidewalk. And then arrest yourself. 

3. Why couldn't Fab reed gud enuff? 

4. When you've studied all semester long for this brutal exam and your professor hands you a crossword puzzle. 

5. When your boss is about to fire you for a horrible season first quarter of work and instead you yell, "I QUIT! HA!"

6. When you need to return this stupid dress at this stupid outlet mall that is 45 minutes away - because outlet malls are always 45 minutes away from wherever you are - and you drive all the way there, in traffic, only to realize you forgot the receipt at home. 

7. That part in Remember the Titans when those two guys are going back and forth saying "LEFT SIDE" and "STRONG SIDE" but then one of them abruptly says, "See you later." 

8. When Christopher Columbus is on the boat, approaching America, and the captain says, "Naw, that's a whale. Let's turn around." 

9. When you're about to buy your dream house but at the last minute decide your parents' basement is much more lush. 

10. Missy Elliot. The team will be back eventually. And when they are, everyone will lose control. 

Fondly, 

An Orangewoman 

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Stuff Everyone Likes

Dear Everyone, 

This is the stuff you, well most of you, like. Pessimists and negative nancies won't agree with me here and that's totally fine. From people, to places, to things- this is some of the stuff that really matters in no particular order...

• Having Tide-to-Go when someone asks, "So random and this is like super weird but like, does anyone here have Tide-to-Go?"

• Nike Air Jordan sneakers for toddlers 6-18 months old. 

• Puppies and kittens. I don't say all baby animals because naked mole rat babies can literally go to hell. 

• Babies holding the hand of another baby in need/or in the stroller next to them. 

• Siblings getting along. 

• Jeff, Maggie, and Liv. When have those names ever created an awful human? 

• Child actors in the prime of their careers when they try out music, acting and philanthropy. 

• Cara Delevigne's eyebrows. 

• Katy Perry-Beyonce-Justin Timberlake. 

• Jennifer Lawrence before she started tripping so much and talking about pizza non-stop. Like we get it...YOU'RE JUST LIKE US PEASANTS BUT STILL MAKE TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS. 

• Coupons that give you such a large discount you walk out of the store with your hands up because YOU ROBBED THE PLACE. 

• A nice face wash after days of letting yourself go. 

• Telling a not-so funny story to a group of strangers and friends and having the punchline really hit home. Who knew that was funny? 

• A single bathroom with multiple locks and loud background music. 

• Running into an old acquantaince when your outfit is ON POINT. 

• Watching someone else streak across the outfield during a baseball game. 

• DRY SHAMPOO. 

• A movie reference that everyone understands without being too basic. 

• Opening up the jar when 9 other people have struggled before you. 

• Winking after you open the jar in front of the 9 other people who struggled before you. 

• Water with some sort of fruit in it served in a dainty cup. 

• Getting through the security line at the airport so quickly that you might as well be the TSA. 

• Being a sorta hater to your friend as he/she started their music career, constantly putting them down and bringing them back to reality, only to have your friend's career take off and you are the friend that gets thanked in the Grammy speech. 

• Sand that hasn't been touched on the beach. Snow that hasn't been touched on the mountain. Water that hasn't been touched in the pool. Do not TOUCH IT. IT IS NICE.  

• When you want dessert at a restaurant but don't want to be the one to say it and someone says, "Well, I'm not leaving without a bite of something." 

• When that same person gets stuffed after one bite and it's your responsibility to finish the chocolate lava cake. 

• Coffee not purchased by yourself. It literally tastes better. 

• Ripping your back pockets open on that new pair of dress pants you just bought on sale. 

• A not-busy Trader Joe's. 

• Making that wastebasket three pointer from DOWNTOWN. 

• Blocking someone else's wastebasket three pointer from DOWNTOWN and yelling "BITCH" when doing so. 

• Instagramming a picture of a baby holding a puppy and another baby's hand with the caption, "They are cute or whatever," and getting 237 likes. 

The list is just getting started y'all. 

Fondly,  An Orangewoman 

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Dear Katy Perry, 

If you didn't realize it already, you've officially made it onto the coveted list of "Stuff Everyone Likes." This long piece of paper is an ongoing underground list of things, people, ideas, and places that everyone in the world, for the most part, enjoys. The list very rarely loses an item, unless you get too much plastic surgery, try to make too many "career changing" shows on VH1 or divorce Beyonce. 

Anywho, you officially joined the list last night following your exceptional SuperBowl Halftime performance. You brought Missy Elliot back from what I'm assuming was an out-of-town graduation for one of her core youth hip hop dancers who just turned 27. It's a graduate school ceremony, ok? You also gave sharks the ability to walk...again. You've literally turned back the prehistoric clock for ancestors of dinosaurs. TAKE THAT Taylor Swift. 

You rode in on a glorified Chinese New Year Simba from the year 2043, catapulting everyone an inch away from their TV's to murmur, "Yo, no way." People are relating it to Katniss Everdeen, the Girl on Fire, but I'm pretty sure even Jennifer Lawrence put down her pizza for this one, tripped while getting closer to the TV, and said, "Dudeeeeee." 

Katy, over the past several years, you've done a lot to solidify your place on the "Stuff Everyone Likes" list. You divorced Russell Brand, you made a documentary which made it so much easier for everyone to stalk you, you made a song where you sexy-whisper, "Happy Birthday," AND you owned the SuperBowl Halftime Show. You did it Katy...everyone likes you a whole lot. 

Fondly, 

An Orangewoman 

P.S Stay tuned for tomorrow's list of "Stuff Everyone Likes."

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Santa, can you hear me?

I'm literally screaming. 

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Dear Young Adults, 

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The smells of cranberries, stuffing, turkey, booze and self-loathing are already filling the air. You can't wait to not care about that button that popped off your favorite pants and hit someone in the eye. You'll be horizontal, stuffed to the brim and surrounded by family members doing the same. 

Or not. 

You're having your first Thanksgiving away from the family. By god. You're having a Friendsgiving. Forget about having a job, a 401k plan and insurance. Pulling off a FRIENDSGIVING is when you become an adult. As "chill" as you want to seem about the whole process, you're freaking out. You'll never make gravy like Aunt Sarah. You'll never tell a story that everyone hates as much as Grandpa. You'll never amount to anything. 

Here are a few tips to pull it off: 

1. Booze matters more than food. Cheese matters more than turkey. 

2. Make sure you have placemats and nice napkins; all of your friends addicted to Pinterest will love you forever. 

3. Cover the three T's- turkey, taters and tons of pie. 

4. Let your friends bring things. Maybe even require it for entry. 

5. Don't become the "stressed out about the holidays" guy/girl. It's a night ruiner. 

6. COSTCO. Get a card, buy it all. 

7. Keep it simple- if you paid any attention to #1 on this list, then no one will remember anyway. 

Happy Friendsgiving y'all. 

Fondly, 

An Orangewoman 

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Dear Taylor Swift, 

I think Saturday Night Live said it best. You're usually in 1950's bathing suits but damn girl, you can write a good song. You've done it. It was easy to throw scorn your way on country-twangy songs like "Love Story" or "Teardrops on My Guitar" or that song about Mark McGrath. Just kidding, Tim McGraw. That's who I meant. 

Lovers of pop, EDM, and alternative music everywhere cringed when we found ourselves tapping along to "Trouble," a tune most sorority girls are familiar with when entering a party/or bar setting. Just for the record ladies, that song is playing in your head, not through the speakers. 

So- with years, months and days of disliking your music under our belts, even during the "Oh no, Kanye is such a meanie!" phase, we are in utter shock of your new album. 1989 is our 1999- we love it so much we are afraid the world might end. 

There's "Blank Space" which is well, a hit. And then there's "Out of the Woods" which is NOT, I repeat, NOT a song-sequel to the play/movie Into the Woods. Damn. While I've only gotten a taste of the other songs (no, thank YOU Sirius XM), I admit I am itching for more. 

To hear that you've taken all of your albums off of Spotify makes me smile at the thought of finding you annoying and irritable once more. But then that smile fades, as my eye starts twitching, and my ears start ACHING for more of your music. Taylor Swift, by God, you've done the unthinkable. 

I like you. 

Fondly, 

An Orangewoman

[fondlyanorangewoman]

S**t That Has Happened at SU (Since/Because the Class of 2014 Graduated)

Dear Syracuse University, 

It's a few weeks into the new school year and a lot of s**t is happening. These new, good, bad, "eh" and "wtf" events are happening all over campus. Let's review what's happened at SU since the unbelievably smart and goodlooking class of 2k14 graduated: 

1. Syracuse University ranked as the #1 Party School.

2. A female soccer player took a time machine to Alabama during the Civil Rights movement, learned the jargon of a local racist, and then traveled back to 2014 to share that language on a phone video.

 3. Castle Court is no longer a royal parking lot. Where do you expect me to stand and sway now? There’s nowhere else to stand and sway! Am I supposed to recycle my empty water bottles instead of throw them on the ground? THIS IS PRISON.

4. A group of kids came out with the video known as #SaveCuse. Again, where else can we all “be together” if it’s not in an empty parking lot? Don’t waste a perfectly good drone to film an embarrassing video like this one…don’t you have a Frisbee to throw on the quad this time of year? Some apples to pick? 

5. Cosmos on Marshall Street closed. The rats win again!

6. Our football team got a W? Well… alright, alright. 

7. Another Juice Jam video happened. Because another Juice Jam happened.

8.  You can buy tickets to see Oprah on our campus.

9. The Daily Orange is now a reliable news source for ALUMNI like ME who seek UPDATES from his/her ALMA MATER.

10. Is the song “Kanye” by the Chainsmokers popular at school yet? Back when I was in school, those Chainsmokers had their smash hit, “Selfie.” I might still have a CD of that…

 Keep up the good work ‘Cuse. Watch out for those rats though.

Fondly,

An Orangewoman  

[fondlyanorangewoman]

Dear Syracuse University, 

Our recent ranking as #1 party school in the United States is not because of daily visits to Chuck's when you "happen to be passing through that back alley." The ranking has nothing to do with Mayfest or Juice Jam. It has nothing to do with our student body's dependency on the bottle during those harsh winter nights. Syracuse University is the #1 party school because of this guy. Chancellor Kent. 

He throws down (diplomas), makes knock-your-socks-off G rated jokes during events, sends us his diary entries WEEKLY YO and makes sure every one is having a good time. At all times. He turns up for school policies and administration logistics. He turns up for Orange.

Thanks Kent. Finally, something IMPORTANT at our school is #1. 

Fondly, 

An Orangewoman