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4 days till heart surgery
and im scared af.
okay, first of all: yes i have had heart issues all my life, i have a pacemaker that was put in me when i was about 16 years old. so it has been on me for 7 years, now its time for battery change.
all i knoe for now is that im going there alone. I wont be put asleep, i would be consious during the surgery, and it scares the hell out if me.
4 days.
the count down has started.
i feel awful to be who i am, what i become. i dont want to be bitter, i dont want to dwell in padt but it seems inevitable. im scared i'll lose everything one day, nothing left to my hands.
The day that went from fucked to even more fucked.
Ok so - i drove my scooter to school with empty tire -i call bro, mom and dad to fogure out what to do. -i bring it to the nearest car repaire shop -they say it costs around 80€ -i get a ride to grandmas from my best cousin ever. -i ask mom how much money do i have -i have 40€ -im literally fucked and hate it.
At times...
I hate everything. I'm so tired and fed up with bullshit I'm honestly so complicated and so simple-minded I can't figure out myself. I WISH I WAS DROWNING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA it's so beautiful... beneath the surface .. all the creatures that live in the pitch black darkness. Yet somehow ppl manage to pull me out of my thoughts of so dark that are often unspoken. Im dark and I'm light. I welcome you to darkness of the pit of my mind. It's something so complex u can never figure it out. That's kind of curse. I have big heart and share my love to ppl. Humans are thought more twisted than they show. And I find myself disappointed at them. Thought some are worthy their trust. And always there are new relationships born from mistakes. I regret so much anf grieve for it. Thought I wasn't wrong. I never am wrong. But my head can't take it. I can't make it. Every thought or spoken word about past breaks me apart.
That ur love will je away till 15th of August and u want to say u'll feel lonely but ur too embarrased to say that.
So i am determined in getting license. So i am at license school. Omg so nervous
Hello I talk and thank you.
What I noticed, is that i am possessive and obsessed of certain things. Also what I think often, is highly negative . But also positive when I have reason to be. I am turly feeling happy on this year so far. And this is a start too. Soon, 6 months from now on I will turn 21 and I have written future letter for myself. I am not sure what I wrote but I remember it being left in drawer. I know it will include certain questions. And I think I already have solved things I wondered back 2015. I have changed. I have new things in life and most importantly I feel alive. I thank those who were in my life. Are in my life. And will be in my life. You made me move forward. I might have made decision but it doesn't mean I hate the ppl who left from my life. I love them dearly and wonder how they are doing. Why I ended relationships or why they ended is all because I had to give up. I had to let go in order to move on. Thank you.
Deaf
the thing is I am still hearing tinnitus and it makes me literally insane. So I got the doctor’s appointment at Wednesday at 8AM. This sucks cuz it has been going on for over a week. I expect something like I’m just hearing things on my own. Also being half nearly deaf is pain in the ass.
