#otchi talks

[otchippira]

ugh

what comes out from hate and loathing oneself?

even worsen feelings

even worsen to, be to exist

it hurts and worst is that you think you deserve it...

[otchippira]

i feel awful to be who i am, what i become. i dont want to be bitter, i dont want to dwell in padt but it seems inevitable. im scared i'll lose everything one day, nothing left to my hands.

[otchippira]

Usually late at night I start to think useless things that just make me sad. Like how nothing stays. Right now I have manged to keep some friend for over a year. But how long will that last..? I dont doubt my friends, I blame myself if they fade off of my life. Its not like im that interesting.. I honestly wish happiness for people but i cant always make that wish true. I try hard. I dont know whats wrong or if there is even anythinc wrong. My life is controlled by the fear of being rejected and abandoned. It has happened and everytime crushed me down. I want to cling to my friends I have made. I wish I was better friend to them.. but knstead im lazy, i dont give effort at all, i just wait. I should try to talk to them more since i do care about them.. some may read this now and be 'GURL YER GOOD' but what does that help? Or prove. Idk i know this is just ramblings before going to sleep.

[otchippira]

I don't speak lies, or truth. I speak my mind

Let the past be past and forget all that was ugly and maybe was even fun and felt real at times. It's surreal to remember how you had it all and then you ended it. Sometimes things are left forgotten, sometimes the past comes to say hi to you. And you rememver why it ended. And smile. You're the one that won.

[otchippira]

The day that went from fucked to even more fucked.

Ok so - i drove my scooter to school with empty tire -i call bro, mom and dad to fogure out what to do. -i bring it to the nearest car repaire shop -they say it costs around 80€ -i get a ride to grandmas from my best cousin ever. -i ask mom how much money do i have -i have 40€ -im literally fucked and hate it.

[otchippira]

At times...

I hate everything. I'm so tired and fed up with bullshit I'm honestly so complicated and so simple-minded I can't figure out myself. I WISH I WAS DROWNING TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA it's so beautiful... beneath the surface .. all the creatures that live in the pitch black darkness. Yet somehow ppl manage to pull me out of my thoughts of so dark that are often unspoken. Im dark and I'm light. I welcome you to darkness of the pit of my mind. It's something so complex u can never figure it out. That's kind of curse. I have big heart and share my love to ppl. Humans are thought more twisted than they show. And I find myself disappointed at them. Thought some are worthy their trust. And always there are new relationships born from mistakes. I regret so much anf grieve for it. Thought I wasn't wrong. I never am wrong. But my head can't take it. I can't make it. Every thought or spoken word about past breaks me apart.

[otchippira]

Happiness overall

It's happiness to succee in life To move on To just look ahead to future. I got a person next to me who shares the future with me. Hopefully. I passed license theory exams I have school where to study Half way there One and half months to go I will move. I will smile Laugh Be happy.

[otchippira]

Unsettling dream

I dont want to think about past when I have future to think about. I don't want to make up the mistakes i didn't do. I k n o w I can't go b a c k to apologize. I don't h a v e anything to apologize f o r. I'm feeling nauseous. Reset. Reset. Reset the memory. ResetR E S E T.