Professor Einstein has proposed that no one can outrun a beam of light. Harrumph, I say!
Transversing the Luminiferous Æther
Exceeding the speed of light is trivial once you understand that this “Universal Speed Limit” is caused by what is known to scientists as the “Doppler Effect.”
The common Doppler stands between 12”-15” tall and rides about on electromagnetic beams. Being exceptionally shy, they use their eponymous effect to slow down those who approach their velocity, so as to avoid drawn-out conversation with strangers.
The Doppler detects these velocities using telepathy. So, there are 4 essential ingredients to overcoming professor Einstein’s so-called “limit:”
Lead Helmet: for blocking telepathic beams
Turtle: to provide slow thoughts
Swimwear: for swimming in the fluid Æther
Once the superluminal has been achieved, it is essential to remember that you will reach your destination before anyone sees you arrive, which may cause existential scheduling complications.
This may become problematic at dinner parties, as the host may feel obligated to set additional places for your numerous light echoes, disrupting their dinner plans.
However, as such velocities reverse the river of time, you may simply go back and tell yourself where you are going to be before you arrive. Simply remember to inform the host that you are not an additional guest, but a herald from the future, and have as such already eaten.
If a fish fork is not served, a salad fork may be used in its place, unless salad is served as the first course. It is impolite to ask for an additional fork unless soup is also served in which case the host be subject to “Kingston’s Rule”
Dinner conversation should pique the interest but not dwell upon the controversial. A smoking jacket is always appropriate.
