#pain log

[nightmarenerves]

I’m so bad at remembering to write up every time I have pain. It happens so often, that it doesn’t even really cross my mind, as I’m just so used to it. 

Today has been a really bad day though in terms of pain. I’ve had aching muscles, the sort you get after working out too hard, in my thighs, down my shins, across my neck, shoulders and down my right forearm. 

My hips have been giving me jip as well. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow afternoon regarding that. Hopefully it’ll be a better appointment than the last one I went to about my hips when the woman said “well you can get your knee up to your chest when you lie down so it’s nothing”. I do love when people say I’m making things up *eye roll* 

Maybe at some point I should try to find a job that doesn’t involve being on my feet all day, but I know if I’m sat down all the time, I’ll just eat more than my body weight in junk. 

[benfoxy101]

JUST DEVELOPED AN ALLERGY TO PEPPERS WTF.

Recently, I've been weekly discovering allergies I did not have previously. Bye bye to my beloveds: white chocolate, peppers, cabbage and garlic, I will forever miss yall.

To peanut, cauliflower, and raw cold milk (yes only cold raw milk, I'm intolerant not allergic to the rest, no ideia why), I already have been avoiding you for years so fuck off

[benfoxy101]

Rant

I'm feeling worse for the first time in a long time yk. For weeks, I'm feeling super close to a meltdow. My depressive phase is back (maybe idk???), I'm feeling lonely and isolated from my friends, the middle school feeling that everyone is laughing at me is back and that they know I'm a fraud.

My hip is making popping sounds again and is driving me crazy. Radiating pain from my hips, back and left knee. I'm dysphoric af and on my period with cramps so painful that are making me suicidal. Summer is almost here where I am, and that means I'm almost passing out at least thrice a week.

Also, the cherry on top is my obsessive thoughts fixating on morality and feeling I'm being watched all the time (glad this is not religious anymore, tho)

[ontheoutside-lookingin]

Oh wait I’m supposed to be keeping track of pain so…cw for me being a whiny little baby under the cut, also for some anatomical afab ickiness and very depressive thoughts

it’s like a migraine or cluster headache or cervicogenic headache, at the base of my skull stretching up and around the back and sides of my head over my ears up to my temples and also all the way down my neck and back and there are periods of time (10m ish) where it is really truly incapacitating and I find myself wishing for relief in the form of something pretty dark and permanent because the pain is that bad.

Actually not as bad this time as some other times in the past, but still pretty much kept me up all night. Slept a few hours this morning but a very uncomfortable intermittent sleep that did not leave me feeling rested at all.

Also worth noting it’s a few days into my cycle which I could go off about for days and days, I never asked to exist this way or at all for that matter. It’s actually fucking torture as in if they were using this to interrogate me, I would give up any information to anyone in order to make it stop.

[benfoxy101]

They upped my dose of hormones, and now I'm feeling the worst I felt in like months. Like for some reason my period is back at its worst, even tho the reason for readjusting my dose was cutting it off completely 🙃

My legs are numb, i have a headache, my back is hurting and that means i get nausea, my stomach hurts and my hip sublux again

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Really intense sudden pain in my right shoulder like outside/deltoid area (I had to look that up ngl) it keeps happening seemingly out of nowhere when I’m moving my arm/shoulder?? But I can’t figure out the exact motion that does it bc I have normal range of motion/everything feels normal most of the time but it keeps happening, I don’t wanna mess around w my arm/shoulder to try and figure it out bc I do not want it to happen again hahaaa

Whole separate problem kind of but if I tell a doctor they’re going to say “okay lets see your blood” and wellllllllllll I cannot do that yet maybe with a lot of therapy I’ll be able to be in the same room as a syringe but there are a handful of reasons I am not able to do that yet. And when I say not able, a tame example that I’m comfortable talking about is the time my partner had to drive from the facility parking lot to come find me and pick me up because I just ran as fast and as far as I could manage and then I didn’t remember where I was or why I had been running. That’s one of the more tame examples. I really would just “suck it up” if I could bc they need to extract your blood directly from your flesh before they will even consider taking any of your symptoms seriously much less give you any kind of treatment or sign off on accommodations for those symptoms. I begrudgingly understand wanting to hold off on “official” diagnosis to make sure its not something more serious/time sensitive/life threatening and they need bloodwork to be sure of a lot of things…but if I’m going to not being doing that right now regardless?? I don’t understand the point in refusing to treat my symptoms to improve my day to day quality of life while I work on getting more comfortable being impaled by little jagged metal tubes!!! I’m working on it!!!!!

I hate the healthcare system so much what if doctors simply took patients seriously what if they just did their best to use their knowledge and expertise and resources at their disposal to help patients any way they can?? What is the point of being a doctor if you’re going to be an ableist piece of shit?? I know not all doctors but ohhhh myyyg ooooooooooodddd enough of them to make me insane. Enough of them to effectively gaslight me into believing that if cptsd is preventing me from treating comorbidities then I just don’t deserve to be treated at all.

Anyway. My day is going fine otherwise I just wanted to document the pain and that always gets me wishing we lived in a world where a bunch of physical and mental health experts are supported by the community and anyone could just go see them for actual help and not be turned away for any reason. Wouldn’t that be nice

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

Right shoulder owie ⚠️

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

feels like I died last night