#partial recovery

[rainypath]

[selectivechaos]

tw: fire metaphor in second paragraph

trying to get better and alleviate my selective mutism is really fucking hard. because like i will feel like it's a lot better every time i'm around someone i can speak to. but then the second a new person comes into the conversation, i always feel that gut-wrenching disappointment and fear that things haven't changed, and it's not as easy to deal with this as i thought.

so i want to think of recovery differently. for all of my mental health issues. because i'm sick of every relapse feeling like a fall, and every act of selfcare or sense of self-worth feeling like a mountain. i don't want to stand above my pain and look back on it. i can't. every trigger is a reminder that i'm still very much in the burning embers, even if i escape the fire. these small reminders of a much larger fire always dance around me, and can ignite again. i can feel that bad again. i can be mute. i can socially withdraw, and cut myself off from everyone i'm close to. i can feel fear and shame and deep embarrassment at my very existence.

🌹to me recovery isn't being 'above it', away from it, removed, detached, fully 'better'. recovery is learning to create, and feel, and love again.

recovery is not the bulk of self-worth and self-care i build up over time; recovery is the ability to build and rebuild even when it crumbles. 🌹🌹

[dk-thrive]

But I am better enough... Better enough to proceed.

My years of writing plays tells me that a story requires an apotheosis, a sudden transformation. But my story has been so slow, so incremental; the chronic resists plot and epiphany. When diseases and stories are chronic, doctors and writers often both run for the hills. A woman slowly gets better. What kind of story is that? I know that in the writing of the story itself, A woman slowly gets better, I slowly did get better. Not completely better. I will probably always have a crooked smile. But I am better enough. Better enough for strangers to know if I am trying to be friendly. Better enough for my intimates to know if I am full of joy. Better enough to proceed. To paint the self-portrait now, not later, not to wait to be fully healed to go on with life. To proceed, to move—slowly or quickly or at any pace at all—but to defy stasis. For some reason what I had always seemed to know about art—that perfection was not the goal; that the appearance of perfect craft was static and sealed the heart, whereas imperfection and the messy particular had the power to open the heart—I forgot to apply to parenting or to my own face. This concept of the good enough face I was ready now to join with the concept of the good enough mother. I was good enough to proceed with the fundamental purpose in life: to give and to receive love.

— Sarah Ruhl, Smile: The Story of a Face. (Simon & Schuster, October 5, 2021) 

[rainypath]

[rainypath]

[selectivechaos]

hey. all those breaks you took. all those work-arounds. all those things others could do but you couldn’t. all those times you actually pushed yourself to listen to your needs and wants, when people said that the deadlines, standards and rules negated them.

they do add up. they add up to one hell of a person who can look back and say “hey, i did all that. i took that time. i slept through that migraine. i cried to get through that pain. i went to bed exhausted knowing i would have to wake up exhausted” 

that adds up to who you are. your circumstances. your pain. your experiences. 

they add up to a wonderful worthy future. a person you should be very proud of. 🌹🌹

[selectivechaos]

rambling about comfort zones

(also, pls don't be confused by bullet points; i just can't write-write you know)

i am struggling, and i want to get well again

i don’t understand ‘healing’ or ‘recovery’ or what they imply

anxiety makes me suffer. it is uncomfortable

i want to get well again so i don’t have to feel this discomfort

so why, when i read about recovery, is it telling me to Leave my comfort zone

feeling anxious. being so frozen i can’t speak

is not a comfort zone to me

i am walking towards my comfort in an orderly fashion

i refuse to do it on anything but my terms

i refuse to ‘recover’ through shame and self-hatred

or for your convenience and comfort

or for your notions that mouth words are superior

i don’t want desensitisation (to ignore/not feel my anxiety even though it is still there); i want to actually reduce it. therapy. medication.

partial recovery. trust. courage. help. sensory aids. social supports/comfort items. making the situation less triggering. only aiming to reduce anxiety in situations that respect me; and simply Leaving situations that don’t.

always: communication when i want, how i want, and only if i am able. communication is never necessary for respect.

🌹🌹

[selectivechaos]

avoidance

it’s not avoidance to have limits on what you can cope with. you’re not perpetuating your mental illness by having symptoms of your mental illness; the only thing perpetuating it is lack of treatment, or ongoing situations, lack of healing etc. none of which is your fault.

healing’s great; being pro-recovery is great, but it’s not wrong to not be moving towards that. and realistically, support is needed to heal, time is needed to heal; the right circumstances are needed. and sometimes, full recovery is impossible.

partial recovery or ‘managing’ rather than healing are excellent goals. it doesn’t mean you’re ‘lazy’, or that you ‘brought it on yourself’. illness is illness because it hurts You. 🌹