#passive aggressiveness

[help-my-relationship]

My 32F bf 34M have trouble communicating

My (32F) bf (34M) have been together for 3 years. I love him dearly but we have a communication issue that crops up regularly. He will not do or mention something and throw a fit when I get frustrated at him pinning the situation on me. For example: he mentions on Tuesday that he might want to go on a short hike on the upcoming weekend. He tends to passively mention lots of things he wants to do and never does them, so I don’t put too much weight on it because obviously he’ll talk about it again if he really wants to do it. The weekend rolls up and he asks what I want to do this weekend. I usually respond that I have no plans besides needing to go grocery shopping, do laundry, or work on my thesis. He’ll then question if that’s really all I have on my list, and I say yes it is. I’ll ask him what he wants to do this weekend and he kinda shrugs and says he doesn’t know. So I then go about my weekend because he told me he doesn’t really have plans. He’ll then get mad that I ruined his weekend because he told me wanted to go hiking and he couldn’t say anything when I asked about weekend plans because it would ruin my weekend and I’d be a a$$ to him if I didn’t get my way. There’s two sides to every story, I may have gotten frustrated going out on a weekend with him once or twice years ago. And to that I’ll add that he’s the type to go out for one thing and then stay out all day and expect me to be fine with one hour turning into seven hours. That stopped happening when I put time limits on outings because I have college work due and work full-time. I feel like that was reasonable since I have other obligations with deadlines. The problem I can’t understand, is that when he gets mad that ‘I don’t allow him to do anything he wants to do’, its just him not communicating that he still wants to do that thing. I feel like he’s sticking a branch in his own bike tire and getting mad about it. But then when an argument starts because I am, in fact, more than happy to do what he wants and have zero issues doing what he wants (but he’s convinced I’m lying and just want to argue and try to make him look stupid), he goes into an orbit of telling me that I think he’s a POS and am ungrateful that he does things for me and he’ll just stop bothering to talk or do anything for me because it’s pointless and I just won’t let anything go because I have to win every argument etc. He completely bypasses the main point, that he didn’t tell me what he wanted when I asked if he had anything on his list for the weekend. I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know if it’s a passing thought or an absolute or if anything was added or changed. What is that behavior? What is going on? I’m at a loss as how to articulate that’s it’s a lack of communication on his part and not me controlling what he does. I’ve tried a lot of the common communication tactics that are on Google, but to no avail

And...you're actually attracted to this man? Even after these temper tantrums?

Look, if someone hasn't directly indicated to you that they agree something is a problem and they want to change it and then put effort into changing it, then they're never gonna change. There's absolutely zero indication that this guy even thinks this could possibly be a problem. Sounds like he thinks you're the problem. So. Are you prepared to live with this for the rest of your life? Because that's the decision you need to make right now.

It's not up to you to change someone else's behavior. Only he can change this. You've tried talking about it, and it was not productive. Your option is to continuously, every single time, let this slide off your back or decide you're ready for a mature relationship and walk away. There's no in between option where you somehow trick him into growing as a person. There's only accepting him where he's at or not. The in between option is for you to decide "okay, I can give him [two more years] to see this is a problem before I have to walk away".

Communication is 50% listening, and it's not something you can force someone to do. They're either gonna choose to listen or not. That's their choice. Good luck.

[merthwyn]

How normal customers say they don't like your food: They simply say it sometimes politely, sometimes not politely.

How the British say they don't like your food: They don't. On the contrary, they keep collecting it daily without saying anything to you until one day you are told by your general manager that they throw their food away daily. They eventually stop collecting their food but never bother to tell you they don't want food anymore so you have to continue putting effort to make it for them while you chase their colleagues to ask about what's going on.

[chaoticpsyche2112]

We all have an Aunt Prudence, and I am here for the passive aggressiveness already

[tim-hoe-wan]

Harries claiming every woman in the vicinity of that white man is an attention seeker, meanwhile that man was just in a pr relationship. You can stop trying to act like it’s not misogyny. Especially when the girl did absolutely nothing and you just making reaches to get mad

Man used haylor to give himself a huge leg up, but sure only women can be attention seekers

[kazs-new-hat]

kaz: jesper, how did you miss #5 twice? it was a true or false question. if you put true the first time and it was wrong why did you put true again.

[lady-wallace]

I don’t know about you guys, but I really love passive-aggressive dining scenes between the hero(es) and the baddie. 

[smoresmoresmore]

Random rage memory: once, I was banished to the cilantro fields by the passive aggressive farmer. I was officially sent there to harvest but we all knew. My hatred and adverse reaction to cilantro was legend. And there I was, wrongfully sent into my doom all because dude couldn't handle my refusing to drive a truck that had brakes that Only Sometimes Worked.

I was...surrounded by the thing I hated most, forced to cut and release a smell that literally made me see spots and balk in my own body.

I smelt for hours. I swear my sweat chemistry changed.

[the-brodie-set]

I think I finally realized what bugs me so much about my coworker who has been giving me the cold shoulder and is generally unbearable to be around on her “Monday” back to work - it’s passive aggressive behavior. She wants YOU to ask her how she’s doing so she can lament. It’s the kind of thing my mother was the queen at and I react very strongly against.