There comes a time in every evil witches practice where a wand becomes necessary. However not all of us can go to fancy wandmakers, and it’s hard to steal a wand from a fairy godmother nowadays. This spread, however, works in place of a wand, for casting a quick curse on the go.
The spread goes like this:
Card 1: This is the heart of your wand sort of speak, it is the focal point to which everything is channeled or given energy to. Think of it as a shiny crystal that you focus all of your intention to.
Card 3: The handle of your wand, which like every wand works to ground you while you are casting your spells.
Cards 2 and 4: This pair explores the practical actions of how to achieve your desire or intention. After all, a wand can only do so much, sometimes you put in a little effort to achieve your desire.
Cards 5 and 6: This pair explores what you need to make your magic work. This is the part where if you feel like you need to make a quick little chant, and you decide not to use it for your number 1 card.
Cards 7 and 8: These two show the outcome of your spell and how well your wand worked while casting.
Now the moment these cards are flipped over, your wand will cast your spell. This spread can be used to give a blessing to someone or a curse. It’s up to you how you use it.
In villainy, sometimes you need to spot them before they spot you. Also, yes, we do have Wi-Fi in the mental hospital, why does everybody keeps asking me that?
Sure, we all know That Guy(TM)! Somehow, he is always bragging about something, opening his/her mouth to spew some BS, never filtering the things he says through his/her mind because they lack one. They suck and must be destroyed.
Let me make myself clear. The reason they suck is because they all want to be like Gaston. No, wait, hear me out! Yes, they all want to be like Gaston, but they cannot be like Gaston because No One is as good at Gastoning like Gaston. There, I coined a new term! Gastoning! The thing that only Gaston can do, which is everything he does while Gaston. Gaston-ception!
So, to get rid of the Not-Gaston Gaston wannabes of the world, use this lovely spread.
Shuffle the cards and lay down three.
THE READING:
Their Objective: The thing they want. This is the reason why they act like they act.
Their Achilles Heel: Their vulnerability. The best way to deal with them without breaking a sweat.
Our Bond:They reason he is in your life right now.
THE TWIST:
They need to go away from you. The easiest way for them to go away can be gleaned from the following:
Same Suit: IF the central card shares the suit of any of the two cards flanking it, then pay more attention to the card the is a match. This will give you a better idea about the way they are going to exit your life, either the mess up (if card number 1 is the match) or you resolve te conflict (if card numer 3 is the match) or both (if the three cards match).
Facing: Additionally, an in the spirit of giving the spread more leeway to help you, you could see if the centrla card (card number 2) is facing one of the cards flanking it.
Post-Mortem Analysis: If none of the above is present, then it means the situation will take at least another lunar cycle to solve itself or be in a position for you to solve it.
A Word of Caution: Please, use this for garden-variety trolls and douches, not for serious sociopaths. Make sure you are safe at all times, and love yourself first and foremost. Like Gaston when he looks himself in the mirror!
Now, if you´ll excuse me. It is time for my sponge bath. But please, remember our good rule of thumg here. If you wanna be Gastoing, make sure your name is Gaston.
Gather round, Heroes and Heroines of Time, for I am about to share with you a little something I have been working on for the past few days. I can´t think of a better item to base a Zelda Spread on than the Sheikah Slate for this blog´s main purpose´s reawakening.
It’s been over 100 years since we last fought against the forces of darkness and uncertainty on this very same blog (yes, I know it was just a year!). We shall begin anew and part for new adventures. But before venturing forth, take this. We all know that it´s dangerous out there, don’t we?
As a highly powerful technological device, the Sheikah Slate offers all kinds of functions to assist you in your quest. It has a Scope, a Map, it operates with well-developed apps Runes, and it even has advanced sensors for unopened Shrines. So, I went pondering about a Spread that could replicate those functions somehow. After all, a highly advanced piece of technology needs highly advanced divination techniques. So, I worked hard like a Sheikah these past days, trying my hand on every bit of divinatory techniques that could lend itself quite nicely to a Sheikah Slate Spread.
So, now, I didn´t invented these techniques at all. BUT, I took everything that could work for this project and gave it a twist here and there to make it functional. I used everything, from traditional tarot techniques, methods found in traditional cartomancy, and fun tricks found in Lenormand reading. In fact, the fabled Grand Tableau served as the basis for this spread… with proper Zelda twists to create a fun spread that offers the wonderful things found in the Sheikah Slate. Heck, I even think I managed to channel Steve Jobs to pitch this spread to my followers and lovers of all-things cartomancy!
So, without further ado, let me present the Sheikah Slate Spread!
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Begin by selecting a Significator for yourself. If there are other persons involved, select one for each of the. Don´t overstuff, though, keep it simple. And remember to take note on which card represents who. Proceed to shuffle the cards and pick the cards you need to complete a set of 16 cards, bearing in mind that from those 16 you already took one when you choose a Significator for you. Maybe you took more than one for each additional persons involved. It doesn´t matter, just pick as many as you need from the deck to complete a set of 16 cards.
Spread them out the following way, already face-up. I will guide you through this lengthy process to read this spread in an appropriate manner.
Part 1: The Scope and Pins Functionality
The Sheikah Slate uses state-of-the-art technology to zero in something of importance, that is maybe distant from where you stand. The Scope is represented by the Four Central Cards of the Spread (that is A, B, C and D). These cards zero in something very important for your life right now. It is not just about something simple, this four cards reveal the most important thing on your life journey as of now.
Once you read those four cards, read the Four Corner Cards, the give additional information regarding the Central Cards. These Four Corner Cards (I, IV, XIII and XVI) complement the Central Cards by showing more mundane and immediate things.
Part 2: The Map Functionality
The Sheikah Slate always pinpoints your exact location and/or that of other important individuals/things. Kindly, please, locate Your Significator Card and take notice of the Numbered Position it landed on. This Numbered Position corresponds to which part of the land of Hyrule you are currently residing on. This will give you further information regarding your current life position on the Map Functionality.
The cards above you deal with what is exerting the most pressure on your mind and emotion. The cards below you are those thing you have under control. The cards to your left represent your past. The cards to your right represent what is to come. If no further cards are on your right, then you are on the brink a new cycle in your life.
If there is more than one person involved, proceed to do the same for them. Also, take notice if you share the same row or column with them. If not, then you might not be on the best of terms with them and so you can use the Yiga´s Spell: to further explore that situation, trace imaginary lines parting from both Significator Cards in a Vertical and Horziontal way. Those lines emanating from both cards will intersect in two card positions. These two cards will let you explore what is happening between you two.
Part 3: The Places of Power
It is imperative to analyze the Map the cards offer you in much more detail. As a continuation from the Map Functionality part, we shall delve further into the Hyrulian Landscape as follows:
I. Shrine of Resurrection: Project in hand
II. Temple of Time: Hope
III. Sheikah Towers: Luck
IV. Great Hyrule Forest: Wishes
V. Hyrule Castle: Injustice
VI. Death Mountain: Trouble
VII. Karusa Valley: Rivals/Deceit/Gossip
VIII. Gerudo Desert: Sickness
IX. Zora´s Domain: Friendship
X. Kakariko Village: Joy/Home
XI. Spring of Wisdom: Love of any kind
XII. Tarrey Town: Marriage
XIII. Spring of Power: Money/Fortune
XIV. Great Fairy Fountain: Gift
XV. Spring of Courage: Kindness
XVI. Shrines: Prosperity
Each of the sixteen cards is located in one of these Hyrulian Places of Power, including the Significators. You must interpret the card that landed there, taking into consideration that its position in the spread is colored by what the Place of Power brings to that card.
Note: More information regarding the possible interpretations will come in a follow-up post. In said post we will delve on the significance of the Places of Power based on the suit of the card it landed on them.
Part 4: The Heroic Columns
The Sheikah Slate is equipped with powerful software capable of identifying your present quest for the day and assisting you in managing that day´s quest. Keep in mind that for the interpretation for these columns you are NOT required to take the Places of Power into consideration. And please, scale down the interpretation for we are dealing with more mundane situation, although certainly not less important.
E. Present Day Quest: This Column tells you about the present day´s most pressing concern.
F. Keys to the Shrine: The things that will open the way for you to make progress towards your goals. Could be anything, from pep-talks, to magick spells, to meditation, to affirmations, to prayers, to simple everyday actions like getting out of the house, doing homework, visitng friends, etc.
G. Puzzle Solving: The first two cards from top to bottom tell you about the obstacles. The last two cards are how they are meant to be resolved.
H. Spirit Orbs: The things you shall receive that at the end of the day you shall stop and appreciate the best you can. Every day you receive blessings, this are the things that you should shower with your appreciation to open the doors for even more blessings.
Part 5: The Malicious Rows
Of course, the Sheikah Slate can further analyze your Life Position, help you remember even things that are important, store revelations, and recall a compendium of information for you to review and reflect when you have the opportunity to do so. These are not be taken in a broader way than the Heroic Columns, for they reveal things that have happened in the last month. Also, you don´t need to take into account the Places of Power when interpreting the rows.
1. The Spirit: These are the Higher Things, those that are bigger than you and that explain your current Life Situation. These are active forces.
2. The Mind: These is the preponderant mind state for the month that colors all your interactions with all aspects of your life.
3. The Physical: Important aspects of your body, your needs and satisfactions that have dominated the last month.
4. The Undercurrent: Important yet subtle forces at work, that are born from other´s actions and decisions all around you that may directly or indirectly impact you. Again, this is information about last month.
Part 6: The Runes
Further powers can be unlocked for the Sheikah Slate. For that matter, part from the card that is directly placed under the Symbols of each Rune. Interpret the cards following the colored line. Each Rune reveals things, show you secret ways to influence the events and deal with both everyday problems and life problems.
The Remote Bomb Line: This line reveals a connection between the cards the line touches, how they overtly or secretly relate to each other, and how if you impact any of the cards in this line you will set off a chain reaction to help you blast through the obstacles one or more cards in the line represent. The preceding cards shall impact the next one, and so on and so forth.
The Magnesis Line: This line reveals a connection between the cards the line touches, how they overtly or secretly relate to each other, and how if you manipulate any of the cards in this line you will set off a chain reaction to help you moves things in your favor. Be careful, for it also generates enough force that could potentially damage you, and is represented by the line returning to its starting place.
The Stasis Line: This line reveals things that, for the time being, you should nurture and keep them as they are. When the effect expires after some time (probably withing the next lunar month), the “kinetic” energy that your kindness and nurturing bestowed upon them shall be released in a way that blesses yourself and make things fall into place for you, even the universe bending over itself to help you if you keep doing it consistently. Again, the arrow line flies towards its starting point, the second to last card represents that which you shall receive, be it the destruction of an obstacle or the securing of success. Even seemingly immovable objects can be impacted this way.
The Cryonis Line: The cards on this arrow line are stepping stones that you should use to balance your life. Keep in mind that they may also represent obstacles for your enemies, offering protection from their vicious attacks if you procure them.
Part 7: The Sheikah Sensor+
This sensor is the latest of functions added to the Sheikah Slate, giving you the ability to discover secrets hidden all around you that will give your more information regarding any of the Sixteen Cards that conform the Spread.
How you go about it by using the Lenormand technique called Knighting. Yes, this technique comes from the Knight´s movement in chess and works the same. You part from the card you want to learn secrets from and count three cards forming a letter “L”. You will arrive to a second card after you Knight, and this card will give you information about their secret.
Part 8: The Divine Beasts
Dealing in with the Main Computer in certain Sheikah Places can bestow power and the ability to take possession of one of the Four Divine Beast. These shall be taken with the power of your intuition from the deck of unused cards at the end of a Sheikah Slate Spread reading. So you will take four cards and place them, one by one in the order of your liking, over one of the 16 cards so you can summon further introspection, hints and solutions for what the cards reveal. Take in mind that the Divine Beast will bestow its power to the card randomly picked, and the interpretation must come from that perspective.
Vah Ruta: The powers of positive feelings will drive this card to affect a card of your choosing.
Vah Medoh: The powers of intellect will drive this card to affect a card of your choosing.
Vah Rudania: The power of direct confrontation will drive this card to affect a card of your choosing.
Vah Naboris: The power of spirits and magick will drive this card to affect a card of your choosing.
So there you have it. One fun way to kickstart and re-energize this blog once more. I hope you enjoy this spread as much as I did putting it together though I am reeeeeally nervous about this post. What if you hate it? Still, Power and Wisdom cannot be balanced without Courage, no? *Inhales deeply before clicking to post*
So, stay tuned because there is much, much more to come for all THREE of my blogs.
Ways to Feel Disney Witchy when reading Tarot/Oracle/Lenormand: A Guide
Because I seriously have issues. Maybe. Still, I have more fun than my friends will ever have, so there!
In villainy, when reading the cards, developing a sense of wicked fun is essential. You are not just any old mystical reader (not that there is something wrong with it, of course, except for everything). You are a Disney Villainous Reader and you have to abide by some etiquette.
1. When shuffling the cards, it is very important to intone an approapriate spell. Madame Leota´s Séance Chant or the Evil Queen´s Magic Mirror summoning Chant are acceptable options.
2. Whenever you do a naughty-naughty and read for third-party persons and you find some juicy gossip, feel free to use the patented Disney Villain Laughter of Eternal Gleefulness.
3. It is totally ok that, whenever the cards tell you your enemies are going up against you and fail, feel free to yell “You think you could defeat me? Me? The Master/Mistress of All Evil?!”.
4. If your querent asks a dumb question for the umptenth time and the cards do agree with you, plase use the Most Powerful Insult Villains are capable of: “Fool! You poor simple FOOL!”.
5. Whenever casting a spell with our patented Villainous Magick Spreads, feel free to intone Maleficent´s Forest of Thorns Curse or Ursula´s Beluga Sevruga Curse and visualize, visualize, visualize!
6. If for whatever reason you are in love with someone that despises you, or you like them despite your so-called values, and the cards show in excrutiating detail this ocurrence, you are hereby ordered to sing a heartfelt rendition of “Hellfire” in front of a fireplace.
7. When in doubt regarding the ethical implications of a reading (sans giving legal/medical advice, because villains are NOT STUPID), do your worse! If you want to do your best and want to argue with me till the end of time about the ethics of this sort of actions, get out of my castle! You are more than welcome to go to Snow White and cry her a river for Pocahontas to ride on singing “Just around the riverbend”! Wheee!
8. Whenever the cards show things going in your favor, plase sing the “Be Prepared!” chorus line with all the glee you can muster.
9. If someone questions your reading abilities, go full-on Facilier over their froggy asses with a hearty “Don´t you disrespect me, little man!”. Frog them up, down and sideways!
10. Dress for the occassion with furs, lots and lots of beautiful furs. And if you, for whatever godamn reason inhabiting this wretched world you don´t own a nice piece of fur clothing, wear black. Seriously, rock the villainy out of those black clothes!
11. An Instrumental version of “Poor Unfortunate Souls” is recommended as background music when reading for a querent that has or will give you money for reading them the cards. Pray to Chernabog, though, that the musical piece does not tip them off!
12. Acceptable payment methods include money, first and foremost. But you will be remissed if you ever don´t require them to pay you with something else. Acceptable payments includes but are not limited to: their voice, their heart, their magic, pixie dust, the thing they love the most, a tear, a favour to be asked later on and that they cannot refuse you. All of these items can and should be used in further witchcraft that may or may not result in them getting “raked through the coals”.
13. Whenever you have to choose a card, let the Haunted Mansion Ghosts guide your hand. Ok, no, I am just kidding. Whenever you choose a card, knock three times on the table to awaken the spirits from last halloween because you happen to lack a proper tambourine.
So there, you have been warned! Failure to comply with these rules will result in an impromptu visit to Bald Mountain. Trust me on this one, better misbehave in a Disney Villainous-approved way or learno how to The Chernabog Way.
In villainy, imitation is NOT the sincerest form of flattery. There, I said it! There can only be You, Yourself and You Again. So, if you are under the heavy impression that someone close to you is being hypocrite and trying to mirror you like Prince Hans looooves to do with anyone he meets in order to gain sympathy, now is the time to lay out the cards and start delving into this matter yourself (Hey, there is You Again!).
Shuffle your cards and lay down the following spread. This spread shall represent the key traits you have that can be exploitable and/or are vulnerable at the moment. For every card you read you are going to lay another for the person you are suspicious of having ulterior motives in a symmetrical position to the one you just read and to the right, like in a mirror. The Symmetrical or Mirror Card is going to tell you about the other person´s struggle within the same area and why they might desire it. If you see many of the fours Mirror Cards revealing a pattern, then it is highly likely that person has enough reasons to manipulate you.
THE READING:
Your Influence: The over which you exert power and dominion. This is something desirable for others that lack that power.
Your Smarts: This indicates the area of knowledge that keeps opening doors to success, in any degree.
Your Charisma: This encompasses your beauty and you sociability.
Your Status: This indicates a position that might be or not be aware of, a role you are playing that could be desired for others.
When you are finished, lay down an additional card between the two sets of cards. This represents their Frozen Heart, it signifies what they REALLY trying to get from you.
Post-Mortem Analysis: Yes, I know sometimes us villainous types are, like, paranoid. But we have good reasons to be! And besides, there is nothing wrong to make sure we weed out all possible enemies first so we can take our rightful place occupying the throne, like we deserve to.
A Word of Caution: Still, yes, yes, yes, it MIIIIIGHT still be possible that the hot prince you have just met for a day and that is pressuring you to marry him like right now COULD still be a nice guy after all! Regardless, A) We are not stupid, B) If we are wrong and he is really pure gold, then more power to us, right? And C) Let it Go… No, like, seriously, have your seen HIM?!! He is dreamy and hot and charming... oh, just shut up!
In villainy, sometimes you need to take some drastic measures to get what you want. Yeah, sometimes it is going to suck, but often it is just so worth the trouble, and besides, a little deal with cosmic forces beyond comprehension never hurt nobody, right?
....
Right?!
This is a spread to be done while in a trance. You need to select a Significator the represents that which you desire to get: love, magick, power, influence, prosperity, money... You name it!
After you are in a proper trance, please take your tarot/oracle/lenormand deck and make a wish. Shuffle the cards and cut the deck in half, and place a hand over each half.
Once you read the two top cards of each half od the deck, you are accepting to pay the price for the spell. You are accepting to have placed upon your wrist Armbands that will both grant your wish but also bind you to pay the price for the magic. You must really, REALLY, be prepared to pay the price that both cards ask for!
What prices you could end up needing to pay? Good old things like helping others, listening others, abstain from doing things or meditate and reflect on other things, but you could even end up being asked to do more difficult things, or even things that could end making others upset incluiding yourself... So you must be really, REALLY sure you want, for even if you change your mind the Armbands will bind you to your words.
Post-Mortem Analysis: This is going to be one the less popular spread in this horrid yet humble tumblr blog of mine. Still, there is a chance you could twist this enough so only good things can come out of it. Hey, I won´t judge you if you decide to sanitize my villainous spread except that I will totally will! (JK)
A Word of Caution: This could be quite gratifying in its own way, if you dare to enact the spell. This is yet one more of many magickal resources I put into your hands because I know that there is nothing you would love more than the universe be yours to command! To control! But still, remember to be careful with what you wish for. Also, keep in mind that you could end up with phenomal cosmic powers, but with a itty-bitty living space.
Sometimes the best way to get ahead of those pesky heroes. Is to spy a little, and this little tarot spread will help you spy on someone from afar, to make sure they’re not trying to sabotage your evil plans.
The spread is this:
What your target is planning
What your target is thinking
What your target is saying
The environment around your target
What your target is feeling
What is happening to your target
What your target is doing
What is happening to the those closest to your target
What is imminent in your target’s future.
I suggest you don’t use this spread too lightly, especially if your target is a fellow evil mastermind, who might notice they’re being watched and gazing into the all seeing eye for too long can make you lose a lot of energy. It may also help if you say the incantation while you shuffle your deck before you lay out your spread.
