#phoenix mountain

[teapotteakettle]

meanwhile lan xichen is living

[ziorite]

the phoenix mountain hunt. that’s it.

[hopingforbrain]

idek why I’m obsessed with phoenix mountain wangxian, but I am

didn’t wwx briefly imagine that some lusty mountain beast was the one that kissed him? we could go that route, or - hear me out, scum villain style papapa plant pollen, with the added bonus of bringing one’s true feelings to the forefront of the whole ‘pls dick me down’ thing that’ll be going on as well. ah yes, mt baifeng, the home of lusty beasts and suspiciously convenient sex plants.

anyways, you can’t tell me that wwx didn’t have at least some very un-het and un-platonic things going on for lwj in his first life.

i want all of that shit to hit him like a goddamn truck.

so. wei wuxian, having had his fill of the sunshine, jumps off the tree and meanders around, accidentally stumbles into a pile of nice-smelling flowers. like, really, unnaturally nice-smelling, in ways that flowers shouldn’t be. more specifically, they smell like sandalwood, which is, obviously, wood and not flowers. strange, isn’t it? and if wei wuxian also happens to be getting weirdly hard from the scent - well, he’s a healthy young man in the middle of a hunt, isn’t he? things happen! dicks happen! it is what it is.

lan wangji, who has been following behind him like the cute little repressed creep that he is, sees wei wuxian sitting unmoving in the flowers, practically coated in a thick layer of dusty ass pollen, two fingers close to a mental breakdown about the state of his dick. and so, understandably a little concerned, he walks closer. when wei wuxian remains unmoving, he does the gentlemanly thing and calls out a regular-old, lan wangji style, not hot and not cold, exactly like room-temperature water, ‘wei ying?’

wei wuxian hears him and. the truck hits. strike one!!!

immediately, he knows who it is, but what surprises him is the way his thighs clench together at the sound (sex pollen let’s go) and more importantly, the sheer amount of feeling that surges into his chest (feelings pollen let’s really go) an all-consuming mix of admiration, joy, desire, and the straight-up burn of love. no running, no hiding, my homegirl pollen lets him know exactly what he’s been repressing, and wei wuxian chokes under the weight of it.

if lan wangji was a two on the scale of concern before, he’s now on a solid eight. hurrying forward, he drops onto his knees next to wwx, reaching out and calling his name again.

(now, sure, the pollen can affect lwj, as a treat, but this ain’t about him. he’s already pretty horny for wwx all the time, plus he’s so aware of his feelings that the pollen is a step down in intensity, actually)

wwx knows that seeing lwj right now is a Certified Bad Idea, but he’s too high on pollen to care much, pulling off his blindfold and springing onto lwj. cue uncontrollable love confession as wwx practically vomits his messy feelings all over the poor guy, who, on one hand, is absolutely elated and also horny bc the way wwx is gripping him is Not Subtle.

But. lwj being lwj, quickly realises something is wrong, figuring out that the pollen is mad suspicious and telling wwx that he doesn’t know wtf he’s saying, let’s just all calm down now and get some help (while horny gripping, lwj u freak)

of course, wwx has to debunk him asap, so he pulls out every embarrassing receipt out of the vault in an effort to get hanguang-jun’s pants off, logically and methodically. their first meeting? wwx was so thrilled that he didn’t actually mind losing his emperors smile. library pavilion days? all the better to see lan zhan’s pretty face with. waterborne abyss near-death experience? heavens, lan zhan’s arms were really…

qishan discussion conference? it was all wwx’s fault. accident what accident. he knew what he wanted, lwj’s attention and his ribbon - even though he didn’t know lwj would get so angry, he just wanted lwj to look at him, okay! you think his hand could slip?? please!! he’s more likely to shoot himself in the foot with an arrow!

xuanwu cave? don’t think he’s weird, lan zhan, but it was kinda nice to spend some time alone together, even if their third wheel was a giant murderous tortoise…

not to mention the sunshot campaign - you think wwx liked leaving lwj in the dust every time he brought up his cultivation? no!! don’t blame him, lan zhan, he just didn’t wanna be dragged to gusu for punishment, nor dirty lwj with all the corpse fumes!! (wow this guy is embarrassing)

after this verbal thesis, lwj is left blinking. wwx, who is about to lose his mind, pounces again. lwj, having all avenues of resistance exhausted, just. does not. resist.

in fact, he is equally if not more enthusiastic as wwx.

yes they get freaky in the flowers. yes lwj has to confess as well, and gets wheedled into a matching play-by-play of wangxian’s greatest hits with wwx being the prompter. yes they get married live happily ever after and lwj gets to fuck a new core into wwx. the enddddd I’m just so so so normal about these two.

[wangxian1316]

Wait.I JUST REALISED SOMETHING.WHEN LAN ZHAN YANKED WEI WUXIAN’S FACE TOWARDS HIM,HE USED BOTH HIS HANDS.(ONE HAND SUPPORTING HIS NECK AND ONE HAND ON HIS CHEEK)

So basically Wei Wuxian could have freed himself any time?!!

AND during the whole time the kiss lasted wei wuxian could have,called wen Ning,fought back, pushed lz off him BUT he does not do any of that and lz knows all this,as we come to know at the “sex in grass” scene.I’m not arguing that the kiss was consensual but it wasn’t straight up non-con.

[sepia-mahogany]

[spicychickenyang]

Phoenix Mountain kiss! Spicy Chicken edition

This translation of the you-know-what scene from chapter 69 was requested by @ninjakk, although it had been on my "to translate" list for a while. Thanks for kicking me into action!

(Please note that I translated for flow more than a literal translation. In terms of 1:1 accuracy, this would be an 8 or 9 out of 10.)

[...]

Someone was approaching.

Although, this person had no malicious intent[1] upon them, so Wei Wuxian remained slumped on the tree not bothering to get up, not even bothering to pluck the blindfold from his eyes. He merely tipped his head in greeting.

After a long minute without hearing the other speak, Wei Wuxian couldn't resist opening his mouth. "You're here to join the hunt?"

No response.

Wei Wuxian said, "You won't be able to catch any prey in my vicinity."

The other party still said not a single word, but took a few steps closer to him.

Wei Wuxian's interest was piqued. Ordinary cultivators generally viewed him with some apprehension; they didn't dare approach him even in crowded places, much less one-on-one, and coming so close to boot. If it weren't for the fact that this person carried not an ounce of malicious aura, Wei Wuxian would really have assumed they came bearing ill intent. He straightened up minutely, turned his head towards where the other person stood, and quirked the corners of his mouth in a faint smile. He was about to say something, when he suddenly received a heavy shove.

Wei Wuxian's back crashed against the tree. He raised his right hand about to yank down the black sash over his eyes, but immediately his wrist was caught by the intruder in a forceful grip, so strong that he was actually unable to break free with a thrash - yet he still sensed no malicious aura. Wei Wuxian's left sleeve twitched as he was about to shake loose a talisman, but his opponent sensed his intent and caught him the same way, pressing both his wrists onto the tree in an iron grip. Wei Wuxian raised one foot and was about to kick out when a sudden warmth fell over his lips, making him freeze on the spot.

This sensation was foreign and strange, moist yet warm. At first Wei Wuxian had no idea what had happened, his mind a total blank. By the time he regained his senses, he was shocked to the core.

This person, having captured his wrists, was kissing him against the tree.

He made a fierce thrash in an attempt to break free and uncover his eyes, but astonishingly failed to escape. He was about to struggle again, but suddenly stopped himself.

The person kissing him, it seemed, was faintly trembling.

All at once Wei Wuxian lost his will to struggle.

He thought, "Seems like this girl is pretty strong, but timid and shy? She's a nervous wreck." Else they wouldn't have waited for this opportunity to ambush him - they must've had to muster up a huge amount of courage to dare take this step. Plus, they seemed to have a decent level of cultivation under their belt, so their pride must be even stronger still. If he had carelessly pulled down his blindfold and caught a glimpse, how embarrassed and distraught would this girl be?

Two pairs of thin lips clashed and traced each other, full of trepidation, reluctant to part. Wei Wuxian had yet to decide what he should do, when a sudden fierceness took over the once-tender lips. Wei Wuxian failed to clench his teeth tightly enough and was invaded by his opponent, all at once helpless to resist. Finding it hard to breathe, he attempted to turn his head away, but the other party grasped his face and forcibly twisted him back. Lost and dazed in the swirl of lips and tongues, only until his partner left a sensuous bite on his bottom lip and reluctantly withdrew, did he barely manage to return to his senses.

Wei Wuxian was kissed completely boneless. He had to lean against the tree for a long while before some strength welled back into his arm.

He raised his hand and ripped away the black sash, barely managing to open his eyes against the sudden piercing sunlight. His surroundings were completely empty—dense shrubs, gnarled trees, wild grass, withered vines—where was there ever a second person?

Still reeling, Wei Wuxian remained sitting for some time on the tree branch. When he jumped down, he nearly lost his footing, overcome by a wave of lightheadedness.

He hurriedly reached for the tree trunk, internally scolding himself for being so useless that he could be kissed till he was weak-kneed. Raising his head to look around, he found not a hint of any person anywhere. The scene just now had been like an absurd yet delectable daydream, and Wei Wuxian couldn't help but think of the legends of mountain spirits and ghosts.

But he was certain, that was absolutely not some mountain spirit or ghost. It had definitely been a person.

Thinking back on the sensations a moment ago, an ephemeral ticklish feeling crept all the way to the tip of his heart. Wei Wuxian touched his right hand to his breast, only to discover the flower that was pinned there had disappeared.

He searched the ground and didn't find it either. It couldn't have just vanished into thin air.

Wei Wuxian stood at a loss for a good while. Unconsciously he touched his lips, finally managing to squeeze out after some time, "How dare... that was my..."

Even after searching all around nearby, he did not find any sign of life. Wei Wuxian was filled with consternation, knowing the mystery party was most likely avoiding him on purpose and won't make an appearance again. Forced to abandon his search, he began strolling aimlessly through the mountain woods. After walking for a while, he suddenly heard a sound of heavy impact ahead of him. Wei Wuxian raised his head just in time to see—that tall and slender white-robed figure up ahead, who else could it be if not Lan Wangji?

But although this person was clearly Lan Wangji, his actions were not at all like Lan Wangji. At the moment Wei Wuxian spotted him, he had driven his fist straight into a tree, snapping it clean in half.

Puzzled, Wei Wuxian blurted, "Lan Zhan! What are you doing?"

The figure whirled around. It was indeed Lan Wangji. But in this moment, his eyes were actually faintly bloodshot, and his expression qualified as frightening. Startled, Wei Wuxian uttered, "Woah, scary."

Lan Wangji rasped, "Go away!"

Wei Wuxian said, "I just got here and you want me to go. Am I really that much of a pain?"

Lan Wangji snapped, "Get away from me!"

Aside from those few days at the bottom of the Xuanwu cave years ago, it was the first time Wei Wuxian had ever seen Lan Wangji so out of sorts. But back then the situation was extreme and therefore understandable; why was he so riled up now when nothing was wrong?

Wei Wuxian took a single step back, getting "away" from him, but kept up his questioning. "Hey, Lan Zhan, what's with you? You all right? If something's bothering you, just say it, okay?"

Lan Wangji did not meet his eyes. He pulled out Bichen, and in a few streaks of blue light, the surrounding trees were slashed through by his sword's energy. A moment later, they toppled with a crash.

After some time standing still with sword in hand, Lan Wangji clenched his fingers, his knuckles white with effort, and seemed to calm down slightly. He suddenly looked back again, nailing Wei Wuxian with a death glare.

Wei Wuxian was dumbfounded. Having been blindfolded for over an hour, his eyes were still adjusting to the sunlight. With his eyes constantly trying to tear up and his lips slightly puffy and red, Wei Wuxian thought he must be a terrible sight to behold. He couldn't help rubbing his chin beneath Lan Wangji's stare, and asked, "Lan Zhan?"

"..."

Lan Wangji said, "Nothing."

Returning his sword to its sheath with a ching, Lan Wangji turned and walked away. Wei Wuxian still felt something was off. After a moment of consideration, he followed after just in case. He made a lunge for Lan Wangji's wrist to feel his pulse, but Lan Wangji dodged aside, glaring at him coldly. Wei Wuxian said, "Don't give me that look, I just wanted to see what's up with you. You were acting way too weird just now. You sure you didn't get poisoned or had some kind of accident during a night hunt?"

Lan Wangji said, "No."

Seeing his expression finally return to normal, seemingly truly unharmed, Wei Wuxian was finally able to relax. Though he still wondered what was going on, there was no use in being overly intrusive, so he just struck up some meaningless chatter. Lan Wangji didn't talk at first, but later on finally managed a few short replies.

The remnant warmth and swelling on Wei Wuxian's lips kept reminding him that he had just lost the first kiss that he had guarded for twenty years. To be kissed dizzy and senseless, and he didn't even know who his partner was or what they looked like - truly ridiculous.

Wei Wuxian let out a slow sigh, and suddenly asked, "Lan Zhan, you ever kissed anyone?"

If Jiang Cheng were here to hear him ask such stupid frivolous questions, he would surely have received an instant knuckle sandwich.

Lan Wangji also abruptly halted in his steps, his voice so cold as to be somewhat rigid. "Why do you ask."

Wei Wuxian broke into a clear grin.

He beamed, "You haven't, right? I knew it. I'm just asking, you don't have to get so mad about it."

Lan Wangji said, "How would you know."

Wei Wuxian replied, "Do I need to waste my breath on that? Who's gonna dare kiss you, with that perpetual stony face? And naturally, there's no hope that you'd ever kiss someone else on your own. Looks to me like you'll be holding on to your first kiss for a lifetime, hahahaha..."

While he was busy chortling to himself, Lan Wangji remained expressionless, though his countenance seemed to ease somewhat.

Only until Wei Wuxian's had enough of laughing did Lan Wangji speak up. "What about you."

Wei Wuxian quirked an eyebrow. "Me? Do you even need to ask? Of course I'm a battle-hardened veteran."

Lan Wangji's just-thawed expression was rapidly covered by another layer of frost.

Just then, Wei Wuxian suddenly fell silent with a hiss of "Shh!"

[1] Though it literally translates to "killing intent", I translate 杀意/杀气 as "malicious aura" to better reflect how it's perceived in a wuxia setting.

More detailed translation explanations

[eastofakkala]

So while rewatching The Untamed, I got to that scene in Phoenix Mountain where Xuanli’s romantic drama occurs in front of half the main cast. Which is already hilarious. 

But you know what really cracked me up? The fact that of all people, freaking Sect Leader Yao was there too. It was just such a random, hilarious inclusion. 

[theweiwuxian]

HELLO PHOENIX MOUNTAIN KISS