I remembered Dave in high school looking me in the eye on the bus freshman year when I was talking about my girlfriend and saying,
"I don't think you're in love. I think you're confusing love and friendship in a weird way that I've never even seen before."
And like, oof. Yeah. My lithromantic heart yeah. By that point all but the alterious and platonic feelings had faded. And I hadn't figured out yet that it wasn't romantic and sexual love. Hell, it wasn't until I laid awake wondering why I hadn't felt what I was supposed to after pretty much spending a day at 2nd base that I considered it.
But, like, I don't think I can overstate how hard it's been to make friends. Even in the gang in elementary school I was really only friends with Tommy. Everyone else saw me as the weird off-putting kid, even in the lead-up to the Adam Incident I was more "the strategist who won us the fight vs the red orcha" than friends. Outside that maybe George and John?
In high school I guess I only really had 3 or 4 friends: Hilary, Joelle, Sylvia, maybe Josh or Lisa. Everyone else was just a person I knew who wasn't immediately dangerous. Friendlies.
Uni? A few more. Jane & Johnny. Wally. Dak. Chuck. Ben. Tai. Tom. Zietz.
Gods I didn't really make new IRLs till Harrisburg. I met Hawk and Mal online. Then the HBG move but covid killed everyone before I really made friends. Alice I guess but my rebound into an engagement with her really fucked that friendship beyond recovery...
Is it any wonder that my confused litho ass would confuse friendship for romance? It's a rare feeling.
And it's not like I really feel the second one anyway. Brief sparks blown out by the winds they generate.
Which kind of sucks because, like, all the trappings? Those are fun! I like going on dates. Holding hands. Making out. Heck if I'm not feeling adverse that day for reasons I even enjoy some flavors of sex. But, like... the feelings aren't there. Not usually. Nor unless I'm declaring my love to your cold uncaring shoulder.
And people don't like it when you just want to cuddle with your friends and stroke their hair. Cherish them.
Even if actual feelings of friendship are so rare....