#poly breakup

[nanisaurus]

Thankfully I have the love of my life to lean on when I’m sad ❤️

[nanisaurus]

We hadn’t even met in person when you made me make this smile. You did this with just words and of course as soon as we touched I instantly fell in love. It was so intense, so smoldering molten hot, I was afraid it would burn me and sadly, it did. I’m thankful you took the time to explain what happened, I wish knowing you didn’t want to say goodbye either would lessen the pain but truly it doesn’t. Knowing you miss me and I can’t hold you hurts just as much 💕

[polyadvice]

My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

[polyadvice]

I'm in a messy situation with two people I've been dating

[Zinnia's note: the original letter writer used an anonymizing system that really confused me, so I've swapped to my own pseudonyms.] I have a 2.5 yrs LDR (Zeus) & a shorter relationship (Hera). Zeus & me decided to try being poly. When I got into a relationship with Hera, Zeus made me break it off. Hera & I still saw each other socially with Zeus's knowledge. Hera broke things off twice because they couldn't handle me being in another relationship. After discussion & research they said they were okay with it. Hera & I put the dating label on it again with Zeus's knowledge. Zeus then gave me a choice: Zeus or Hera. Zeus is okay with an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship later. While Hera says they are okay with all aspects of being poly. Advice?

The person who taught me how to be polyamorous had a motto: "If someone is trying to make you choose, choose the one who isn't." 

It does not sound like Zeus wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. When you started seeing Hera, they "made you" break it off. Then, when you and Hera decided to start dating again, again Zeus made it clear that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you while you're also dating Hera.

Perhaps Zeus is okay with an "open relationship," but it sounds like you two have different levels of comfort and sets of boundaries about what that means. My advice is to identify exactly what Zeus wants in a relationship. Then, identify whether that's something you can provide. If it's not, end the relationship.

Then you need to decide if you want to date Hera. Because the choice isn't a binary between Zeus or Hera; you can decide to date neither! If Hera has needs you can't meet or can't meet your needs - if there's too much baggage hanging around from this mess, if you saw red flags in their choice to continue disrupting your friendship over the fact that you wouldn't date them - don't date them either. If you do, make sure you go in with a clear understanding of the terms of the relationship and ensure that you're both operating with the same definition of "polyamorous relationship."

[polyadvice]

What do I do when me and a partner break up but my main partner still wants to date them?

That really depends on the specifics of the situation. If all three of you were in a triad, where there’s a single central relationship that bonds you three, then it sounds like that bond has been broken.

But, if you’re in a situation where the dating relationships look like: Adam&Ben, Adam&Carl, and Ben&Carl, then if Adam&Ben break up, then Adam&Carl and Ben&Carl can still continue to date. If Adam & Carl & Ben frequently hang out as a unit of three, that dynamic will necessarily change after a breakup, but the pair relationships don’t need to be all mutually reliant.

Of course, that assumes that the breakup between Adam&Ben was mutual and gentle. If there is drama such that Carl is put off by Adam’s behavior during the breakup, Carl and Adam’s relationship will be affected. 

It really depends on your situation. If you and someone broke up, but your other partner still wants to date that person, that might be totally sustainable with some time to cool down and some re-drawn boundaries. If you feel really uncomfortable with it, let your partner know, and talk to them about how to proceed.

On the one hand, it can feel unfair if someone’s relationship is impacted by an interpersonal situation between two other people that they have no part of or control over. On the other hand, some arrangements are just unsustainable, and if your partner decides that they no longer want to date your ex because they are your ex, that’s your partner’s prerogative. 

[kimchicuddles]

Self-care isn’t selfish.

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[kimchicuddles]

Even if you think it's not going to matter... it can still be confusing when it actually doesn't!

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[polyadvice]

My partner and I were in a relationship with another couple. But things got awkward and we split up. Even though it was months ago i still miss them. Some days it hurts so much. Will i ever get over it?

Short answer: Yes, you will get over it. Breakups hurt. Loss hurts. “Months” is not a very long time to expect total healing after a breakup. I ended a relationship of 6 years in September, and facing the first holiday season without him is a bummer. I still get pangs of sadness and miss a partner I broke up with in 2011 (he was pretty great). But the pain fades. No grief remains permanently unbearable.

Find ways to help yourself ride through the sadness. Let your partner know that you’re really missing your exes. Binge on Netflix. Eat ice cream. Go camping. Do whatever makes you feel happy with the here and now.

You may also want to consider that still missing them so strongly is a signal that it’s worth taking a second crack at making the relationship work. You said it ended because of “awkwardness” - consider talking to your partner about what happened and whether any new strategies or growth/healing in certain areas could help you two overcome the challenges you faced the first time around. It is very rare for me to suggest that the pain of missing an ex or former relationship is a signal to try and reignite it, and it’s not typically the right interpretation of such feelings, but it is something to think about.

If you find that this kind of pain happens often after loss or disappointment or change, and disrupts your life or goes on longer than you feel is reasonable for you to live your best life, consider talking to a mental health professional.