#couple privilege

[zombie-jed]

Eating the arms off people that value romantic relationships over friendships

[kimchicuddles]

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[polyamoroamer]

Couple Privilege

I'm going to go ahead and call it: M and I have a lot of couple privilege.

People frequently and consistently come up to us to tell us how much they like our relationship, or how right we are for each other or how they view us as this 'polyamorous ideal' etc.

It's lovely but misguided. We are, as all you fine readers know, as fucked up as everyone else. We screw up constantly. I try to be as honest as possible with the people who give us such lovely compliments, and remember to sometimes talk about issues M and I have because, let's face it, putting a relationship on a pedestal is not healthy.

It's bad for M and me because it's ego-feeding that we actually haven't done much to deserve beyond be generally nice people who look cute together, and it's bad for the people putting us on the pedestal because they're creating an unrealistic image of some' perfect relationship' that doesn't exist.

It's also really tough for our other partners sometimes. I remember some friends telling me how wonderful mine and M's relationship was while L was sat with me, and how she got smaller and smaller and evidently was feeling more and more invisible as they went on. Sure, they said some lovely things I actually kind of needed to hear at that point, but L was completely ignored as a side quest or something.

I made a point of saying thank you and then turning to L and telling her all of the things I am grateful for and value in her and M's relationship, and it seemed to help, not least because it meant that our friends joined in and bolstered her a bit too, rather than forgetting that she was also in a relationship with M. It sucks feeling like you're less important or somehow invisible in your partner's life.

It can be similar with Z, when people who know both me and M come up and treat us as 'the couple' and Z as an extra. The only partner who doesn't really get this treatment is H, because H and I have been together longer and he and I have, as far as our friendship group is concerned, 'always been together'.

I don't like people feeling left out. I hate it myself, so I work extra hard to make sure that my metamours and partners and friends don't feel forgotten or pushed aside.

Couple privilege is an insidious and ever-present spectre, but I'm working on it, M's working on it, and we're all learning to be the best we can be. Hopefully we catch most slip-ups before people get hurt, but sometimes things do slide by. I just hope that we all find ways to be as happy as possible together.

[polyrolemodels]

Just had a little dialogue with a reader. Enjoy...or contribute to the discussion!

@littlecuddlewhore: I've been married to my husband since Dec of last year, and we've been non-monog for about a year before that. In Jan I started in a ldr D/s (/DD/lg) with a man who lives on the other side of the country. He's married, too, and they have both seen other people in long and short term relationships. Recently, their young daughter had an illness, and at the same time there were a few other health issues in his wife's side of the family, with the result being that she's decided she wants him to only focus on their family now, and for them to not be non-monog. She and I have never spoken or anything, but she knows about me and I make a point of never trying to pull him away from when he needs to be with his family.

I'm 3 weeks away from moving to the city where he lives - our relationship has been heading toward being a real thing, and now things are up in the air, and I'm​ likely to lose him altogether. So I've been in this panicked state of not knowing which way things are going, and my heart is one big ache that I don't know what to do with. He's said he doesn't want to end things if he doesn't have to, and that perhaps things just need to settle back to normal for her. But he's always put his family first - as he should - and it seems like either I'm going to come out of this burned or persona non grata with his wife. Neither of which I want. So I wait, powerless and hopeless.

——

@polyrolemodels: Are you moving specifically for this guy? If so, I'd advise you not to.

I've got a (previously LDR) girlfriend that moved to my local area. If she heard me tell you that she moved for me, she'd punch me in the arm. But she basically did. The thing is...she already established a set of friends and relationships here...outside of her relationship with me. She already had a desire to change her location and distance herself from her family. So, if we broke up, she wouldn't be stranded in a foreign place with no one to turn to. More importantly, I had already demonstrated definitively that I would respect and protect the autonomy of our relationship.

Putting family first means rescheduling a date when your kids are unwell. Putting family first means making time for your family to maintain a strong connection with them. It doesn't mean arbitrarily dropping the people you love because times get hard. Especially when those people you love provide solace for you during those hard times. If this person you're seeing treats you as disposable...or if he passively allows his wife to regard you as someone who is disposable...he is not offering the stability you deserve.

A major problem with polyamory, both in representation and in practice, is the idea that relationships outside of marriage are add-ons. They can be lost and found without much thought. Fuck that! Your relationship with this guy is as valid as his relationship with his wife. If they don't treat it that way now, they might never treat it that way. That's not a way to live...being with someone who could end it because someone outside the relationship told them to.

You feel powerless? Reassert your autonomy and independence from this guy. Let him know that you need him to stand up for your relationship. What he says next should tell you everything you need to know. About how important you are to him and how important he'll keep you. And if he sounds like someone who might drop you when times are hard. Adjust your expectations and your travel plans.

——

@littlecuddlewhore: Hi there.

I really, really, really appreciate your thoughtful response. Just to get to your first point - no, I'm not moving there for him, I got a job there (applied before I met him, and I didn't talk to him about it until a few months into our relationship). It's certainly been a bonus, but I'm really there for this job that's the final part of my training. My husband is coming too, of course.

——

@polyrolemodels: Ok. When you arrive, tap into your new locale's community. Do your own thing. If your guy's wife feels like having an LDR draws too much away from family concerns (which I think is probably bullshit), having flesh and blood human interaction with him will doubtlessly be too much for her. Set your expectations low and hope to be surprised.

Good luck!

——

@littlecuddlewhore: My husband and I are fairly new to polyamory, and are still figuring out what sort of non-monog is going to work for us, but I do know that I want relationships where I feel valued. Of course I'm still learning, and this experience is showing me that this space of feeling like the rug can be pulled out from under me at the whim of another is not something I want, and I think it'll be important for me to figure out how to communicate that and find the relationships that honour that.

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[beautiful-blithering]

Couple Privilege

I’ve always known about couple privilege, but I really didn’t think about how much it affected my partners until I dated someone who didn’t have a “primary”. That relationship became volatile and ended. I vowed to myself that I would never allow couple privilege ever get in the way of another relationship again. 

For those of you who don’t know what couple privilege is, it’s the idea that pair-bonded relationships are more “real” or more important than other types of relationships. In example, my relationship with Husband would be considered more important and valid than my future relationship with another partner. I’ve found that couple privilege isn’t as much of an issue if the person you’re dating has another “primary” partner as they often have similar expectations as you do. When dating people who don’t have another partner or practice solo polyamory, you have to be really careful of couple privilege or you run the risk of hurting your partners. 

Acknowledging how much privilege you have is the first step. I am safe and comfortable in my relationship with Husband. I want to ensure any future partners I have also feel safe and comfortable. 

[strawberryconfetti]

Now don't get me wrong I love my partners, they are great men the both of them, but they were a couple first and I will always second to that. Which is fine. But god I just want someone who sees a real future with me. Who wants kids someday and wouldn't mind living in a cottage with me someplace outside of town. All I have ever wanted, truly, is to be a wife and a mother. Maybe that isn't all my story is but I want that so much and neither of my boyfriends want kids, which is fine, but it is also why they are getting married to each other.

[kimchicuddles]

What have been your experiences with "reclaiming" and privacy?

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[jorethinnkeeper]

"Cool. You date couples. Awesome. You're bi. Attractive. Female. Strong. Independent. Awesome. But... you're real. You may be the newest piece in a successful closed, healthy triad. Go you. But you are real. You are not a conglomerate of unspoken expectations and toxic fantasies that have combined into some unholy fetish. You. Are. Real. Not a concept. But... I am happy for you." ~ Jerry Jailor Schutjer It can be frustrating when people proclaim themselves to be "unicorns" because we should recognize people's right to self-identify.  But the term "unicorn" was deliberately chosen as a mythical creature in order to point out a very real problem in the poly community. The term "unicorn" (www.theinnbetween.net/polyterms.html#unicorn) wasn't intended to apply to people, it was intended to mock those who make up fantasy figures in their heads and then go out expecting to find those fantasy figures in real life, through the use of irony and sarcasm ("you don't want a real woman, you want a unicorn!"). There is a pervasive problem in the polyamorous community:  people treat others as things.  People objectify, fetishize, and dehumanize others. People try to hire others to perform services without the dignity of paying them. A poly "unicorn" is not simply a bisexual poly woman who is willing to date two people who are also dating each other. You can't swing a stuffed parrot at a poly potluck without hitting a dozen bipoly women. A "unicorn" is a figment of someone's imagination.  It is their attempt to objectify someone, usually women (and not often without more than a hint of misogyny and transphobia mixed in). So, when bipoly women self-identify as unicorns, while we want to respect their self-identity, we also want them to know that they are more than someone's daydream, and they can aim higher than that. You, right there.  You may be a bipoly woman, but you are a human being first.  You exist.  You are real.  And you deserve a relationship with people who see your humanity and revel in it, not people who chase will-o-the-wisps and mirages to add to their mystical menageries.