2-2 and 5-3 for the ask game? :)
Oooh thank you for these! It was fun to ponder how NRE fits into my polyam these days. 2-2, love or hate NRE? How do you cope with it?
My affection and distrust of NRE cannot be summarised as love or hate. I love love. I love falling in love, and I'm also deeply suspcious of how going gooey eyed with NRE can absolutely upend my life and run me ragged if I let it. NRE is an opportunity to turn stupidly infatuated into connecting deeply.
NRE offered me a rollercoaster thrill ride when I first slept with my Lover eighteen months ago. The ways they touched me, soft and confident, I knew I was fucking IN for it. We'd both done the polyam-round-about several times before. I historically, can get swept up. My way of coping with NRE intensity is to enter the water gradually, with explicit negotiation, and consideration of how much energy I can devote without compromising other parts of my life.
We circled each other for those first couple of months, like predators weighing up if its worth risking its own hide to get pleasurably filled. We tested our footing before commiting our weight to unknown ground. We didn't even have sleepovers our first several hookups, it was an additional step we negotiated rather than an assumed thing we'd have. Within the first month or so I indicated I wanted a weekly date with them. After fourth months we said I love you, and were hanging out more than once a week. It also became essential to spend a minimum of six hours a week screwing each other silly to sufficently express how down bad we are. This trajectory was the quickest and most certain I've ever been of finding a person I want to keep in my life. I've learnt to manage NRE by ensuring I also keep tending to my long term connections in approximately equal measure to my new ones. I plan ahead dates and cute outings with all my partners. We check-in and actively talk about how the balances are feeling. Making room to hear someone else's insecurities while it's still fledging is much more managable than getting the overwhelmed by jealously download weeks later.
Another thing that softens the scary parts of NRE is integrating that person into your social life. Do polycule time sooner rather than later, sharing hang outs with your friends and find out what they're like in group settings. Getting to know the person in as wide a context as possible helps integrate what they're actually like, and gives me a better sense of how they'll be long term.
Also, use the intense motivation for closeness to find out how they respond when you're vulnerable. There's temptation to push hard convos aside when the NRE rose coloured glasses are in play. But there's no ruining the magic by being authentic about your needs. The magic is here to help you both turn towards each other and use the NRE to empower growth. It was hella motivating when the person I'm head over heels for told me with absolute certainty that they actively need to be celebrated by their partners for their slutty exploits with other people. It was a clarity of need that resonated in me and made me shift towards greater compersion in a way I'd struggled to access previously. NRE can gift you breakthroughs when you bring vulnerabilty.
5-3 where to for a polycule all expenses paid holiday?
What a delightful question. I just want to take my village of 30-odd queers back to the forest for another week. A bonus week of our yearly mini festival, camping by a creek, in a glade surrounded by ferns. Lovingly cooked meals, campfire bbq, workshops on writing poetry, the wheel of consent, and kinky skill shares. Massage time and dancing. We'll play instruments and sing together, roll around in the clover, and marvel at the stars together.
