So uh. I think I might be a system? That explains a lot. To kind of describe my experience so far, I never know what the hell is happening. I have a lot of memory gaps and find myself on autopilot for most of the day. Sometimes I blink and I'm in a new place without knowing how I got there or how much time has passed. I used to think that if I had alters I'd know about it, right? But it just kinda occurred to me that well. It's part of the whole disorder that you don't remember stuff. So it'd make sense if I didn't remember the other people I share a body with. It makes so much sense in retrospect. People always tell me I change so drastically it's like I'm a whole new person sometimes. Maybe I am? It explains why my whole identity is so fluid. One day I'm obsessed with like a song or something, and then later I find out I removed the song from spotify and I don't remember doing it. Once I flunked a test I studied ages for because I couldn't remember studying for it. Maybe it wasn't me who was taking the test then? The only problem is that I'm so new to all this that it's all super confusing. If these switches in myself are all alters, then that means I know about some, and I don't know about others (the ones that did stuff in those memory gaps of mine). That means that for the ones I know about, I've thought I was just having mood swings and indecisive opinions, but I was probably just switching. And for the ones I don't know about, how many are there? How many MEs are there that I don't even have access to? And one big thing is I barely remember any of my childhood from before the age of 6. Does that mean I'm not the original? I've always thought of myself as, well, the person I've been since I was born. But I only remember being around since I (I?) was 6, so have I only existed since then?? If so, where's the first me?? Are they still here, and I just don't know about it? Are they gone for good? Maybe what I thought was age regression was actually younger alters? That would also explain this like? Opposite regression thing I get? Where i feel older. Could that be alters that are older than my body? I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. My psychologist has said I likely have osdd-1a, but it doesn't seem like we're going with the diagnosis route? I don't really know what to do. Longer than usual rant sorry, but does anyone have some advice?
