#post sars

[chronic-this]

What I Grieve Because of my Chronic Illnesses: A Non-Exhaustive List (that only scratches the surface)

*All the opportunities that I could have had

*A future I thought would be possible

*My career that I had only just began

*My friends and family, who walked away, as I slowly faded into the walls and sheets of my bed, while chronic illness stole my ability to be the person that they expected me to still be.

*My independence and self-reliance

*My pride

*My passions

*Who I was

*My potential

*My purpose

*My Hope

[chronic-this]

Last week, there was a life or death crisis situation, regarding one of my family members.

He didn’t have anyone. So I pushed myself for six days, knowing that it would make me bed bound for at least a few weeks afterwards.

I don’t regret it because what is 2-3 weeks of a crash, in comparison to someone’s actual life. There’s no takesie backsies on that. There’s no respawn option IRL.

It’s just… ppl ask me how I can do what I did the past six days and have ME/CFS… they don’t see what happens afterwards. They don’t understand PEM (post-exertional malaise) and that it is often delayed by hours, days, etc. And when it hits, you’re stuck in bed, with the most debilitating fatigue, pain, vertigo, nausea, inability to talk, visual issues, migraines and so much more. Sometimes I can’t even speak.

I mean, that’s what the method of pacing is for. By doing less, I can do more? And the past six days, I had to push past my pacing, and now I will pay the price.

But my loved ones don’t see me behind closed doors. They don’t see what it looks like. I just become invisible within my blankets.

It’s so hard to explain to those who don’t experience it. And I understand that it is difficult to fully grasp from the outside, unless you’re living with me and see me everyday.

I don’t know. I just needed to vent.

I don’t regret the past 6 days. I knew I’d pay for it. And it was for a good reason.

I can do things sometimes. But there’s always price.

Thank you for listening 🖤

[chronic-this]

[chronic-this]

“PTSD is like walking backwards trying to figure out why you were walking forward in the first place. Your world, like watching a film, alternating between small moments of clarity and static.” 

- @chronic-this