#problem project vents

[shyyycatsblog]

Sometimes, I still feel so able bodied.

Like the aches and pains are quiet for just a moment long enough for me to remember what freedom I used to have. It's almost like if I yearn for it hard enough, I can have the old me back. The me that could still achieve all my dreams. The me that had no idea what was coming and how much it would all cost me.

Somedays, I still feel the urge to live the way I could before. Carefree and boundless. God, I can almost taste it.

[shyyycatsblog]

Why couldn't I have been blessed with a functioning body?

[shyyycatsblog]

I'm starting to come to the realization that I more than likely need a caregiver. I can no longer drive at night since my vision has deteriorated too much, I barely feed myself and just snack on things instead of cooking because I have no energy for that, keeping my space clean is getting harder and harder for me to manage, and I've started to notice my memory is getting worse so I'm forgetting to contact my doctors like I need to, and I'm forgetting to schedule appointments. It feels like everything is getting so much harder to handle on my own and I feel like I'm really slipping. I don't know if this means I need someone around to help me out more? Or if I just need to work harder at taking care of myself 🫠 I don't want to bother anyone by being a burden on them, so I don't want a caregiver unless I absolutely need one 🥺 my boyfriend is usually my caregiver but we live long distance now, so being on my own has been extremely tough. I wish he could move here with me already, but unfortunately that can't happen yet, so I've been relying on my parents a lot, but I still haven't been as honest with them about how much help I truly need 😅 I really just don't want to be a burden on them. Especially since they're already dealing with so much. Ugh sorry this turned into a vent post

[shyyycatsblog]

the way I am begging the universe to let me be successful at one thing, so my terminally ill father can be proud of me for something before it's too late.

[shyyycatsblog]

Funny how someone claims to be all about fighting ableism and then uses an insult for intellectual disabilities against me. Check yourself pal, you're still part of the problem.

Not to mention, all I did was choose to talk about my own personal feelings in the tags of the post like literally everyone does in the tags on every post on tumblr? Like that's literally the norm here, and now I'm getting shitting on for it and got called a slur solely because they saw my tags and felt that it was a personal attack on them and their post?? I had clearly stated it wasn't at OP, but they insisted on taking it that way anyway? Like, wtf? Idk if you're just being difficult on purpose or if you're still misunderstanding me, but god damn do I not feel like explaining myself anymore.

[shyyycatsblog]

I feel so low all the time 🫠

[shyyycatsblog]

I'm so frustrated!! I've been told I need the second biopsy on my thumb to make sure it's not cancer, and the surgeon is supposed to call this week to schedule my consultation. I'm upset because they told me this surgeon doesn't do any surgeries under anesthesia, but my anxiety would not allow me to be awake through a surgery like this. Another reason I'm upset is because it's going to take months to heal again, and in May, I was going to go to an anime fest. I've been looking forward to it for so long because I never get to go to cool stuff, or there's never anything around that's related to my interests. Now my thumb will be all messed up and might ruin my chance at getting to go because if I'm in too much pain , I'll be staying home. 😞

[shyyycatsblog]

TW for this post, ill be talking about grief and death.

♡ pls skip if you can't handle reading about that kind of stuff ♡

I'm having a really hard time this morning. I'm not sure why, but I woke up already in a funk. I'm laying in bed trying to deal with my fatigue that's already setting in, and I can't stop thinking about my dad. He's managed to live 6 months since his diagnosis date, which is already so amazing! But he's getting weaker, and he's in more pain lately. I'm getting really scared whenever I see his health decline in the slightest. I'm not ready to lose my dad. I'm not ready to watch him slowly get worse in front of me while there's nothing I can do for him. I'm not ready to watch this cancer take him from me, and I don't think I can ever be ready, but oh my god, I feel too young to lose my dad. He hasn't walked me down the aisle yet! He hasn't watched me have his first grandchild yet. He hasn't seen me become successful yet. I want to make him proud. I'm scared he's going to pass before I can show him I'm making something of myself. I want him to know I'll be okay after he's gone, but right now, that's not even true. I'm going to be so broken when he's gone. I try not to show any of my grief in front of him because I don't want to grieve him before he's even gone, but how do I cope with this? How do I cope with the fact that I'm probably going to lose my dad so much earlier than I EVER expected? He's not even 60 yet. He doesn't deserve this, he's already had such a hard life. Why does shit like this happen to people who really don't deserve it? He's such a good person, he's a really great dad and I can't believe this is how life has decided to treat him in the end. I hate it. It's not fair.