Will never get over that the two biggest version differences between scarlet/violet is how you mod your bike and getting to choose which one of arven's parents die. Who is your favorite beast. Okay now shoot one of these professors in the head and orphan their son.
In honor of Pokemon Legends ZA coming out this week, here's a complete accounting of which Pokemon professors have fucked your mom
Why am I doing this?
The default character designs for the player characters in ZA look just a bit too much like Professor Sycamore. That combined with the fact that he's conveniently missing from the game (so far, that is. I've been avoiding spoilers) leads me to believe he fled the country to dodge the back child support he owes for all his illegitimate children. So it's on my mind.
Now, onto the fucking:
Professor Oak
Yes
The second you leave the house on your Pokemon adventure through the Kanto region, Professor Oak is knocking on your mom's door for an adventure through her bedroom. Remember in the anime when Ash showed up late but Oak still scrounged up a Pokemon for him anyway? Yeah that was just to get him out of the house so he and Delia could fuck without having to worry about locking doors. You know it, I know it, Jessie and James know it, Misty and Brock know it, the only person who doesn't know it is Ash.
Professor Elm
No
This man cannot pull to save his life. Look at him. This is his official artwork and he's a mess, dropping shit, completely disorganized. Yeah, it's not happening. Not that Gen 2 Mom is anything to write home about, but even then
Professor Birch
Eventually yes
So did anyone else do the thing where, while playing the Gen 3 games, you read WAY too much into the dialogue and background details from the NPCs and come up with a whole telenovela-esque backstory of the PC's family? Bc like, they never actually say that your mom and Norman are divorced, so I guess it's possible that they're still together and he just commutes from Littleroot Town to Petalburg and back every day and he just couldn't get the day off to help move in, but like ... We've all decided that they're divorced, right? Maybe legally separated heading towards divorce (and Norman's "sorry I'm breaking up the family" present to you was just a wall clock. Thanks Dad.) I take it a step further and I say Norman is now dating Wally's mom, and that's why he keeps trying to get you to bond with this lame dork, bc he's gonna be your step brother one day. Maybe that's even what caused the divorce, who knows?
Why am I bringing this up? Well, if Norman's already moved on, why shouldn't your mom? And your mom is just getting used to not being a wife, and having an empty nest as you set off on your journey, so she's probably not looking for anything serious. She probably just wants something fun. And Professor Birch is fun.
So, not right when you leave, not days after you leave, but weeks or months after you leave, your mom is going to have fun with Professor Birch.
Professor Rowan
No
Johanna was a Contest Champion in her prime, which is like an in-universe equivalent to being a pageant queen. She is not going to date any man over 65 unless he has a net worth of 7 figures minimum, and a Pokemon professor doesn't have that kind of cash. Also, look at him, he's way too uptight to fuck anyone's mom
Also while we're in Sinnoh, Professor Laventon lived like over a hundred years before your mom was even born, so he's not even in the running.
Professor Juniper
There's two moms here, so:
B/W Mom: Yes
Yes, ... but in college. Yes, but in college. Do you remember that audio that made the rounds on Tik Tok a while ago that was two women with their husbands, and the women were laughing and catching up, and then one whispers "You've ruined me for all men" - that's your mom and Juniper.
B2/W2 Mom: No
I say this so respectfully, B2/W2 Mom is so straight. She's so straight. She's possibly the straightest mom on this list. And there's nothing wrong with that! But it does take her out of the running for this. If Juniper ever did flirt with her, it would go right over her head. If you tried to explain the concept of lesbians to her, she just wouldn't get it. "But how would that even work? Wouldn't their husbands get annoyed at how much time they spend together? Women can't have sex, neither of them have a penis, it's not physically possible!" Like that one reddit comment said, "your mom has somehow gone her entire life not realizing what lesbians are. Unless you are one, there's no reason to tell her now"
Professor Sycamore
Duh
I mean, obviously. Look at him. Listen to him talk for thirty seconds. All this man does is fuck moms, to the point where I'm amazed he ever gets any work done. Actually, maybe that's why he has like 4-5 child-teenage assistants, so he has more time to fuck moms, AND so they're out of the house so he can fuck their moms. Genius scheme, if you think about it.
It's the fact that when you give a letter from Sycamore to your mom, a letter saying "hey your child is about to go traipsing across the country with no adult supervision," before she reads it your mom's first impression is "Oh is this a love note?" Why would you assume Professor Sycamore would be sending you a love note, Mother? What kind of relationship do you have with this man, whom I only just learned existed a few minutes ago, that you find it reasonable to assume he would send you love notes? Using me, your child, as a conduit? What's going on there, huh Mom?
Professor Kukui
No
He's married, and he's too good a man to cheat on his wife.
(it's possible other professors on the list are married, but if they are, their spouses don't make enough of an impression to matter in the case of Mom Fucking or Not)
(also he calls the player "cousin" which would by extension make the mom also related to him, but that's just a thing people from Hawaii say, so it might not mean anything, but if it does and he's actually related to your mom then obviously it's a no)
Professor Magnolia/Sonia
No
She's a little too buttoned up to go for your mom. Now, Opal, on the other hand, especially when they were both a bit younger...
Now, Sonia
If she wasn't so hung up on Leon, maybe
I get it, girl, I really do. But there's a hot MILF in your area who would do so much more for you than a guy with no sense of direction (if he can't find his way between Point A and Point B when it's just a straight path between them, what makes you think he can find anything else?)
Professor Sada/Professor Turo
If it was possible, yes
This is a weird one because they're dead by the time the game starts, but if they were alive at the time you start your journey, your mom would beeline to their lab. Anyone's mom would. Plus there's the added benefit of both you and the professor's kid being in boarding school, so your houses are always available, perfect opportunity.
If the Pokemon mainline villains were in the Circus, who's Abstracting first?
Giovanni
Archie
Maxie
Cyrus
Ghetsis
Lysandre
Lusamine
Rose
Volo
Sada/Turo
Voting ended onJun 22
Keeping it to those who are actual threats to the world/their region. Personally, I think Cyrus given his villain arc event in Masters, where he pairs up with Darkrai. (His ideal world he experiences thru his nightmares is just a void of darkness where he feels and experiences nothing, it reads a little too close to the oblivion of death for my liking, and Abstraction is essentially the death of one's spirit and hope in the Circus.)
(Cynthia, the DP kids, and Sophocles pretty much have an intervention where they try to rouse him from the nightmare, and pull him back to reality.)
(Ghetsis is #2, mostly because he just breaks and shuts down mentally at the end of B2W2)
