WETHERSPOONS PART 1
Spoons. We’ve all been there. Cavernous yellow light waiting rooms of despair. Now hang on a minute, let us not get too macabre. They're alright, y'know. On paper at least, the set list is tight. It's a tour de force. They're opening with £2.19 pints of super chilled Guinness on a Monday? My god, where do they go from here? No fear, straight into a faithful £1.99 rendition of Sixpoint's seminal craft can hit, Bengali. It must be downhill from here, right? The behemoth don't quit! Look, she slid some churros under your nose for a £2 bit of sugar at track 3. And so on, and so on. Greatest gig of my life, every night.
It's so silent in here. They famously don't play music. They do show football and other sports, but with no sound. Gives it an eerie feel if you're sat out of sight of the TVs but in view of whoever is watching them. They look like they're gazing motionless into the abyss. Any one of these drinkers looks like they might rise, at any given moment, and go throttle their neighbour unknowingly. Quite often you'll get a mid range couple chobbling on a couple of pints, no conversation nor interaction, but each gazing off stage somewhere. Took me a while to remember there was a football match on. What the hell are they looking at, I thought. How are so many of these no-talking couples just sat rigid staring off in disparate directions. How are they all waiting for death?
It feels like we're in an airport, or worse, with this yellowing light that's bathing everything in hopelessness. Argh God, the silence. The servers become prison wardens, the jangle of their keys mid-parade the only semi-noise that rises above the sad silent seas. Even the food is silent. Who gets crisps when the hot stuff is this cheap? I long to hear the sound of a crisp shattering, a fat fist struggling inside ambient foils. All the hot stuff is designed for no note consumption, I'm sure of it. The nachos are an obvious sticking point for that conspiracy but I feel they pile enough pulled pork, or five bean chilli, atop the tortillas that shards and chaos become soft and safe. Even the fruit machines are silent. Did they turn the brightness down? They don't seem anywhere near as abrasive under these yellow lights. Not that you'd need to wait for them to pay out, it's a jackpot win every time you go to the bar. It's so cheap in here. The meal and drink combos verge on indecent.
The craft beer offering, varying between 'spoons, is oft strong. Be careful to sidestep the 'fake' craft that makes out like it's imported but is actually brewed in Shitchester, UK, by a major(ly crap) brewery. Not that it's awful but they do taste like two beers piled on top of each other, the one on top is good but then the one underneath is a rotter. The aforementioned Sixpoint cans are decent, particularly Bengali. I've also seen Stone, Anchor Steam Porter, Founders All Day IPA, Roosters, others. Occasionally some of these have a quid or more knocked off. As if they weren't cheap enough already. It's often cheaper in 'spoons for craft than it is for premium lagers et al. Bonkers.
One header on the 'spoons drinks menu reads "avoid isolation - join our congregation", hmm. Other words speak of relocating "pre drinks" (if you've ever proposed that notion unironically then you're probably a dick) to 'spoons. They're trying to become the drink-in supermarket by being cheaper than the supermarket. Interesting stuff. I guess they keep it cheap so you come for the prices but then also stay for the prices. It might take you three hours to spend £20 but then you'll probably stay enough three hours and eat 20 burgers. Clever Trevor.
Wetherspoons is the death row of pubs.
What are you in for, mate?
How long have you been here?
It's got that IKEA trick of no daylight so time loses all meaning. Having said that, most do have windows but you're prolly sat so far away from them that they look like specks of a brighter younger self on the horizon.
Is that...me over there? Running, dancing, full of beans? Look at my skin! I'm shimmering. It was before the yellowing. Curse these yellow lights. I only came here for a beer and a burger.
Occasionally someone breaks the silence. Lad-like, dead rowdy. It rises above the melange. Stiff peaks on the soundboard. This isn't in the Wetherspoon design. This fellow is bellowing. I can't see him, I'm on level 2 and he's below. Sounds like chaos on the deck, mutiny. What could possibly be his grievance? How dare he come in here, into this plateau of silent contention, these rolling no-hills of emphatic price points, and raise...a stink? I think that's what it used to be called. I don't remember. I only came in here for a beer and a burger. Too much of a good thing, I guess. That must be the only reasonable assumption. I shouldn't worry, we've seen this before. They'll take care of it.
10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...it's over.
He stopped. Someone, or something, sucked him under the carpet.
I turn, half laughing in my head, and catch sight of old Irish in the corner. He half laughs back at me, in his head, and let's out a knowing wink. We didn't have to say anything, besides the fact we couldn't, we just knew. Order was resumed.
Have you ever seen a baby in Wetherspoons? Of course you have. Fascinating, isn't it. The way it ages months in minutes and takes those tentative first baby steps towards the bar. By the time it reaches the counter it's 18 years old, by the time it returns to the table with a pint it's 36. A big hairy arsed 36 year old in a nappy. Already having spoken its first words and since forgotten the semblance of speech. The child's parents, now younger than the child, look through each other proudly. He could be anything this boy. A beer, a burger, an onion ring. I wonder what he'll be.