#questioning trans boy

[raavenb2619]

Hey, I need some advice. I have trouble accepting the nonbinary label even though using it just makes sense. I'm AFAB but I get euphoric when using he/him pronouns. I don't really care for femininity most of the time, though my opinion falters between "my body is beautiful and I want to show it off" and "maybe I want to start binding." I want to be more masculine but I can live with being feminine. Saying I'm nonbinary feels wrong because I'm okay with my femininity and not detached from it.

Well, being nonbinary doesn’t mean that you feel complicated disconnected from the gender you were assigned at birth; it just means that you don’t completely and exclusively fit into the gender binary. For example, a genderfluid person might spend a substantial amount of time feeling like their agab, and also spend a substantial amount of time feeling like one or more other genders, and they’d still be nonbinary. There are also labels like demigender that can describe a partial connection to gender, both in intensity (like being 30% connected to a particular gender instead of 100%) and in kind of connection (like being sort-of a particular gender, but also sort-of not that particular gender). 

On the other hand, if nonbinary doesn’t feel right to you, that might be because it’s not the right label for you. You mention liking he/him pronouns and thinking about binding, so have you considered that you might be a trans guy? Being a trans guy doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be completely disconnected and hate anything feminine. After all, cis boys can wear dresses and still be boys, so trans boys can wear dresses and still be boys. Additionally, it’s possible that you always feel like a boy, but have dysphoria that waxes and wanes. Dysphoria can help you figure out what you aren’t, don’t want, or don’t like, but in my experience, it isn’t as helpful when it comes to figuring out what you are, want, or like. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

do you know anything about questioning my gender? i never really thought about it until now (i just recently made a friend who is transmasc and he sort of brought up the idea), but i’m questioning whether or not i’m transmasc. i don’t rlly experience dysphoria (which is why i’ve never questioned) other than not wanting tiddies, but i do get rlly happy when people think i’m a boy, which i was told cis girls don’t feel. but yea, so far on my list for “could i be transmasc? who knows” i just have “tiddies begone” and just the fact that i get happy when people call me a boy :) anyways, do you have any tips on how to make the questioning easier? it’s hard finding things because most of the tips involve feeling dysphoria. thank you so much for your time :)

In my experience, dysphoria can help you figure out what you don’t like and what you’re not, but it’s less useful when it comes to figuring out what you do like and what you are. Sometimes, you can figure those things out just through self-reflection (“what kinds of clothes do i want to wear? how do i want people to see and think of me? how do i want to see and think of myself? what pronouns do i want people to use for me?”), but other times, experimenting can be even more helpful, especially if you’re not sure about something. 

Another thing you can try is learn more about different labels and identities and experiences. Do you think you might be a trans guy? Or maybe nonbinary with some connection to masculinity? If you come across a term that resonates with you, you’re welcome to try calling yourself it; for many people, the feeling of “this is right, this is me” happens after you’ve tried out a particular label. 

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you what your gender is, because the only person who can do that is you. However, I can tell you that most cis people really do feel like their assigned gender at birth. The number of cis people who experience something that closely parallels the dysphoria some trans people feel and are really happy when people think of them as a gender other than their agab is exceedingly small. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Hi! Been here for short while but i love the blog! Anyway. To cut to the chase i identify as nonbinary but im rly conflicted if im nonbinary or binary trans (ftm to be exact) its just, so confusing and i hate it. I like they/them and he/him and i might consider going on T ever since i cried over not being born with a penis and literally mad that there might be an alternate universe where im a guy. It just,,it sucks 😞 honestly any advice or explanation is great. So yeah : /

I can’t tell you for certain what labels are best for you, since the only person who can determine that is you. That said, here’s some things that might help. 

A lot of people think that if you’re nonbinary, it means your gender is neutral or blank or exactly halfway between male and female. That’s true for some people, but it certainly isn’t universal. For example, someone who’s genderfluid might switch between feeling like a boy and feeling like a girl, but never feel anything “in the middle”. Or someone who’s a demiboy might feel partially aligned with being a boy, and not aligned with any other genders. Some nonbinary people will even call themselves nonbinary men or nonbinary women, so being nonbinary doesn’t have to mean that you’re genderless if you feel gender and gender is important to you. 

Similarly, a lot of people think that nonbinary people want to transition to as androgynous an appearance as possible, but that isn’t always the case. Everyone’s transition is unique, and some nonbinary people go on HRT or get surgery or do other things that binary trans people do as part of their transition. Wanting to go on T suggests that you might be a trans boy, but it doesn’t rule out the possibility of being nonbinary. 

So, if you could potentially be either one, how do you determine if you’re a binary trans guy or a nonbinary person (who may have connections to masculinity)? Well, you mention that you like they/them and he/him pronouns. Ask yourself, why do you like both pronoun sets? Do you like them both in the same way? Do you like both of them because they’re not she/her, or because they resonate with you? When you’re thinking about going on T or transitioning, are you trying to move towards being read as a boy, or moving away from being read as a girl? It sounds to me like you’re dealing with dysphoria, which can be super tricky and confusing, and while dysphoria can help you realize you’re not cis, it’s not always as helpful for realizing what actually you are. Do you feel like a boy? Do you want to be a boy? Do you feel like you’re nonbinary? Do you want to be nonbinary? 

If some of those answers are yes and others are no, you might have your answer. If most of those answers are yes, you might be a nonbinary boy. If you’re still confused or uncertain, that’s okay; figuring out your identity takes time, but the good news is that this isn’t a race and you can take as long as you need. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Whenever i end up identifying as a new gender/orientation i seem to put a lot of characters who are that orientation into my writing (eg. when i first realized i wasn’t straight it started by me writing abt lesbians, just before i realized i was aspec i started making a lot of my characters aspec etc.), it seems to be a thing i do to ‘process’ the newness of the labels and gain some experience with them without really trying them out myself. Two questions abt that: Ask will be continued with 😸

😸 anon here: 1) is this an ok thing to do? Like am i hurting the communities? 2) i’ve been writing more ftm trans characters lately and i myself am afat and currently nb, and i don’t really want to be trans masculine since i’m perfectly happy as an nb person. Do you think thats some form of internalized transphobia/hate of men or am i just processing the possibility of being a boy (i say boy bc i’m underage not bc i think trans men aren’t “real” men)

I think this is a great way to experiment and explore different identities and get a sense for how they resonate with you. The only ways I could see this being problematic are if you treated your fictional characters and their experiences being a certain identity as being more real or authentic than real people and their experiences being that identity, or if you published your writing and it wasn’t well researched and contained problematic representation; however, that doesn’t sound very likely to me based on what you’ve written, so I don’t think you have much to worry about. 

It’s entirely possible that you’re dealing with some internalized transphobia. Here are some questions that might help you to introspect and possibly discover internalized transphobia: is that you want to be nonbinary, or that you don’t want to be a boy, or both, or neither? Why do you feel that way? Is there a double standard that you’re using against yourself to stop yourself from being a trans boy but wouldn’t use to invalidate other trans boys? Do you want to be a boy, and why or why not? Do you feel like a boy, and why or why not? If you don’t feel like a boy, what do you feel like? Some answers you might know and some you might not, but don’t stress too much about answering every single question; this is an incomplete and somewhat arbitrary list that’s more about starting the introspection process than any particular question. 

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that internalized transphobia isn’t in play here. Have you written characters were you didn’t relate to their experiences and/or didn’t share their identities? If so, it’s possible that nonbinary is the right label for you, and you’re just exploring and learning about the experience of trans men so you can better understand and support them. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

I’m the anon who asked what does “gender” means. I did some research, I still don’t understand what gender means lol. I understand the bio sex the person are born with, but gender is like an alien language to me. I’ve been scolded a lot for acting like a boy when I’m a girl, but I kinda feel more comfortable doing those “boy” stuff? Maybe I just don't stick to gender norm. Anywho I don’t mind being called she/her, tho I’d think of it as my sex rather than gender I guess haha. Omg so confusing~

[Follow up to this ask]

It’s worth remembering that gender can be really confusing and subjective and you don’t have to understand it. Maybe you’ll never understand it, and that’s okay. If gender doesn’t make sense at all, like it doesn’t even seem like a sensical question to ask when talking about yourself, but agender doesn’t resonate with you, you might find it helpful to read up on quoigender. 

When you do those “boy” things, why does it feel comfortable? Does it feel more right? Do you sort of...feel like a boy, somehow, and you like that experience? Or do you just like those things, and there doesn’t seem to be any particular explanation? If it’s the former, you might find it helpful to read up about the experiences of trans boys and demiboys. If it’s the latter, it might just be that you like those things and it doesn’t have to do with gender. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.

[raavenb2619]

hey uh so i’ve known i’m trans ftm for about two years now,, but recently i’ve been questioning my gender,,, i’ve enjoyed wearing bras and showing my body off and i’ve enjoyed thinking of me and my gf being in a gay relationship and it feels right,,, but something feels kinda off and whenever i get reminded of boys etc i feel dysphoric and i wanna be like them but i think that the only reason i’m enjoying presenting as female is bc i’m sick of hiding my body,, please help

Hm. There are a number of different ways to try to understand what’s going on here, but I’m going to focus on just three.  

Gender presentation can be really complicated and even seemingly “paradoxical” at times. For example, trans boys who like wearing dresses are trans boys, even though dresses are associated with femininity, for the same reason that cis boys who like wearing dresses are cis boys: identity isn’t the same as presentation. So your enjoyment of wearing bras and showing your body off could be a similar thing. Your mental categorization of your relationship as a gay relationship could be related to that idea of gender presentation, but it could also be related to a desire to be more visibly gay and to further “embrace” gayness, if that makes sense. All of the above could also be related to ideas about being sexy and sexiness as value, or it might be not related at all. 

Gender dysphoria can also be super complicated and it doesn’t always “make sense”. For example, some trans people are super dysphoric about things that other trans people are totally comfortable with, and some trans people don’t have dysphoria at all. It’s possible that wearing bras and showing your body off doesn’t trigger you dysphoria, and that’s fine. It might also be that you’re comfortable with your own body in a metaphorical vacuum, but that you get dysphoric when you start comparing yourself to other boys. It could also be that your dysphoria has led yourself to treat and view your body in a particular way, like by hiding it, and so your enjoyment of showing off your own body in a vacuum is a break from that hiding. 

Gender identity can also be super complicated. It’s not my place at all to tell you what your identity is or what terms you can or should use, but I think it’s possible that you’re actually nonbinary. You might consider looking into terms like genderfluid, genderflux, demigender/demiboy/demigirl, bigender, and more. If a term jumps out at you, feel free to give it a test drive by trying it on and seeing how it feels. But like I said, you’re the only one who can know your identity, so if you decide that you’re a trans guy and not nonbinary, I’ll believe you. 

Hope that helps, as always, feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[raavenb2619]

Hey ! So I've been questioning my gender for a few months and I'm still not sure yet. I'm afab and I'm not sure if I'm nb or a trans guy. I remember being 11 and thinking "am I really a girl ?" , "is this how a girl acts". I have real bad dysphoria and I desperately want to bind my chest but I'm not sure. Can you help me out ? What are some signs that I might be a guy ?? Thanks.

If you bind, make sure you bind safely! (There are some really in-depth guides of how-tos, as well as dos and don’ts, on Tumblr/the internet that you can follow along with.) And if you think you want to bind your chest but you’re not sure, you can always try it out and see how it feels. If you like it, awesome, and if not, that’s awesome too. 

You can try experimenting with gender presentation in other ways, too, although keep in mind that presentation and identity don’t always correlate. Play around with hair, clothes, body language, mannerisms, etc and see if you find something you like or dislike. If there are people you’re out to, you can also ask them to try out names and pronouns on you. 

I’d also highly encourage you to try out a label or two. If a label catches your eye, give it a test drive for a few days and see how it feels. It can be really hard to know if a label fits you without trying it on, but trying on a label gives you so much information about yourself and how you feel, regardless of if it feels right or not. At the end of the day, that’s really what it comes down to. What do you feel like?

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.