Deep in my addiction when I was also struggling with my mental health - I wasn't on meds and was using alcohol. When I was using alcohol I felt like I didn't need my bipolar medication and I abruptly stopped taking that along with alcohol and boy was I heavily mistaken about that. I experienced several delusions. One was that I thought my ex best friend was working with my doctors and was telling them lies about me. I had no evidence or proof but I remember thinking that the doctors were talking to me in a code. I believed that I could sense spirits. I would see figures of people that would pass away (hallucinations + delusions) I woke up once to my Dad who passed away 6 years ago standing next to me on my bed. I remember closing my eyes and telling myself that he wasn't really there and that he was dead. After telling myself it wasn't real, the hallucination would go away. The delusions were harder to break because it felt really real. I also believed that a group of girls that were bullying me at work got written up and fired after I quit which didn't really happen. How I broke the delusions was journaling and writing what was facts and things that I wasn't certain of until it finally clicked that it wasn't real.
I checked myself into a mental health hospital to get myself off of alcohol and to get on meds for my mental health. I was also hearing voices. Voices that were telling me all of my insecurities. It was truly a scary time since they almost thought that I was schizoaffective because at that point I knew and so did my doctors knew that I was bipolar but because I was unwell and unmedicated I went off the deep end. Thankfully after a year of counseling and my mental health prescriber got to know me she determined that I'm bipolar 1 which you can experience psychosis if you've been manic for a long period. I remember being so relieved that I wasn't schizo.
I'm finally on a good combo of meds that I take routinely at the same time daily. I wake up by 8am to take my morning meds: Lexapro (anti depressant), Depakote (mood stabiliizer), Busbar (anxiety med) and Amoxetine (a non-stimulant adhd med).
I am finally getting my insomnia under control with: Seroquel, Busbar and Ativan that I take nightly.
Now I am finally getting my pain managed using Methadone. My goal is to be off of it in a year which is how long they normally like patients being on it and then we will try something else to manage the cravings. I don't want to be on Methadone forever but I want to stay out of the hospital and off of heavy duty pain meds that I've been given in the past for Endometriosis and Ulcerative Colitis. For pain I would be given morphine or oxycodone. After being put on morphine for my miscarriage a few months ago I began using Kratom pretty heavily and of course because I'm an addict I became really reliant on it and had to get myself off of. Since quitting I've been feeling so much better and more like myself. I'm working on self improving and bettering my mental health. Tomorrow at noon I am going to a NA meeting and I might start going consistently weekly. I'm praying for better days. I need to get the NA book. I'm hoping that meeting with my addiction counselor will help. Tomorrow I'm making another appointment with my actual counselor to discuss ptsd therapy.
