All I wanted in life was to be a mother, a loving wife, to raise a beautiful family because that is what feels like the most profound spiritual human gift of God to me, so much to the point that I can't even stand it even just with a stimulation of consuming or thinking about it for a few moments. I wanted to live in the city for a little bit of day-to-day diversity and to have a feeling creative career or at the very least have some sort of modest side product of a career, I wouldn't have been to picky in that aspect.
I reached my conclusion years ago and of the gradual devastation of realizing that none of those things would ever be even remotely possible to me or for me, and on top of that, did not even have a support group for profound grief, or even just general community and general for anything other than soulless people on apps all day that argue about things that don't matter and have no compassion for those that are spiritual and had actual human goals and dreams and to live meaningful lives outside of being a slave, aimless hobbies or temporary passions, and arguing about things like selfish appearance, or political opinions or things that true late, down to the absolute core nub if you're anybody who thinks or has any soul or self-awareness at all, does not matter. On the contrary, The people who stand for all these things is all that I have, who don't care about anyone or even themselves, much less incredibly spiritual gifted people like me who just wanted to live a human fulfilling dignified regular life with spiritual and creativity fulfillment.
These past couple of days, months, have been even enough because of the very two people of my parents who I am forced to stay alive for after they saved me for my suicide attempt from these very conclusions a couple of years ago, and living with them and living for them is just fulfilling enough that even though it does not save me from the profound mental and spiritual suffering I am enduring every minute of every day with very little relief, it is just enough to put me into this strange stagnance despite the suffering, like sitting in the middle of a fire, while waiting for the two people that occasionally pour a tranquil of water on me to keep it just enough so that I sometimes forget I'm sitting in the fire, which I've become numb to as much as anybody can become numb to that kind of pain and is forced to live with it for the sake of the two people pouring on the trinkle of water now and then.
There is never been any such thing as friendship for me, there will never be a community again, the few people that I even just saw casually around me in college I will never even have again even just remind me that I'm not the only person existing on this earth. There is no happy ending, there is not even anything that resembles anything even remotely tolerable, there was only a slow decline of death, watching my parents die and then immediately ending my own life as soon as I can, but having to deal with the profound physical and emotional suffering that comes with having to end my own life and having to wait for so long and day-to-day existence and of being crushed everyday with seeing the superficiality and the literal subhumanity around me that is my generation no matter where you look, that is turn the profound grief that I have of a lifelong suffering of never having a family and of having nothing that I can do about it into nothing but soulless malicious gas lighting, of telling me that I can do something about my problems, to not feel sorry for something that is of a prone suffering I can't even around I had around that I cannot fix, of telling me that I need to get over it, as if I could ever get over something, and all the while not even having the luxury of being able to end my own life that is told time and time again that does not matter and isn't even allowed to grieve, or be seen, or to even discuss things say for posting over towards places where I essentially am just talking to myself on a digital screen instead of to the literal void in reality where I can no longer perceive or understand reality or that I exist, where dysfunctionality and suffering increases daily.
The suffering can be beautiful sometimes, but only in the sense that it reminds me that at the very least I will die for a genuine true human reason unlike the majority of people that I am forced to see everyday just to fight off psychosis and to give me stimulation of human interaction even though no one is really human anymore or even understands what that means, and you can see it in the posting that is on every app everywhere daily, how a soulless, rude, loud and how aimless people are. It's reached incomprehensible points where there's not much point in even trying to keep up with that at this point.
I just want to go, I just want to not stuff for anymore. I've had everything taken away from me, even the ability of being able to talk with people who respect my profound grief and my perspective and as to the conclusions that I've reached, and I have nothing but full grown man and woman children that have reduced it to a joke of telling me "just to get a plant". I am one of the only few human beings left on this earth, and as a result I have been left alone with my grief, and as if the loss that I've experienced wasn't enough of the dignified life that I wanted to live, I don't even have a community or people who are at the very least offer the baseline sense of decency or sympathy, or even humanity, towards that grief, and it is suffocating inside my head like a wretching grief only getting more confusing as I get older.
Please, fate, let me go. Everyday I will my body to give out.
