watanabe haruto’s KT private audition dancing to 2018 girl group chorus medley (0:35-0:51, 1:26-1:53, 2:09-2:41, 4:11-4:26) peek-a-boo, bad boy, bboom bboom, starry night, ddu-du ddu-du
what the hell was he doing?
tw: anxiety
a bit of a rhetorical question, he did know what he was doing. but why was he putting himself through this? haruto wasn’t a performer, not unless he had a pair of skates strapped to his feet, then sure, he would skate and perform his heart out. but this was a completely different ball game, this was an entertainment company which produced idols. singing and rapping and dancing idols which were adored the world over. and here he was auditioning for that very same company like he thought he ever had a chance of being an idol. or even a trainee.
he was just kidding himself, he wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing. he was still just a kid not even old enough for high school yet. not to mention the almost crippling stage fright and the unwillingness to learn korean properly and the undying need to get back on a plane and fly all the way back to japan. so, really, this whole thing was just an incredibly bad idea and he shouldn’t have ever bothered to call and schedule an audition. and, technically, he hadn’t. it was his mother, more or less going behind his back and sorting everything out for him because she knew her son would never grow the balls to do it himself.
haruto had been freaking out about it since the moment he had been handed that business card. because it was just crazy, wasn’t it? no one should have ever taken an interest in him in the first place. and no doubt even showing up to the audition would prove that. they would take one look at him standing there shaking like a leaf and decide ‘oh no, sorry, we made a mistake’. and haruto couldn’t blame them for that, because he would do the same thing.
of course, hohyeon had been told first out of his friends, and haruto was quite surprised to hear support from the boy. since his own denial from sphere, haruto would have thought his older friend would still be bitter about it. and part of haru did know that it was most likely fake empathy and he hadn’t really meant it when he had congratulated him. but in true hohyeon fashion, the boy had taken to trying to get haruto out of his nervous shell and had incredibly helped when it came to working out what he was going to do. a part of haruto knew that the older boy was probably just living through him, but haru was alright with that. so long as hohyeon was there that was simply good enough and he didn’t need to do any more than that.
they had worked hard when it came to picking what he was going to do to impress for ninety seconds. almost instantly singing and rapping had both been ruled out. not because he wasn’t a confident singer or rapper, but simply because, at the time, he would probably be too nervous to even say anything longer than a couple of words long. which left dancing. then came the task of listening through songs, watching choreography videos and making a list of what he might like to dance to. but, the real problem was realizing that he was completely indecisive and couldn’t pick just one song even if it came and slapped him around the face.
which was when hohyeon came up with the idea, “hey, why don’t you do a medley?”
that idea had been thrown around for a little while longer, but, in the end, it had sort of stuck. which now meant haruto was stuck learning five different choreography at once to full up the whole time slot he had been given. in the end he had decided just to stick to choruses, they worked better together than mixing and mashing any other parts of the song. and, funnily enough, he ended up only doing girl group songs. not really what he had been planning on doing when he had first sat down to work through this, but he supposed it would work for him. he could do girl group songs just as confidently as he could do boy group ones.
hohyeon continued to be there every step of the way, acting as a separate pair of eyes, watching him dance and picking up on his mistakes. so, it was a good thing that the boy wasn’t afraid to say when haruto was doing something wrong and that he needed to change something. and while haruto was constantly struggling, talking himself and his dancing skill down, hyeon was right there to try and bring him up again. and, for that, haruto was incredibly thankful towards the boy.
and his mother was more than happy to lend her own opinion, pulling him to the side the night before his audition and asking to see what he had come up with. and it was that proud look in her eye which reminded him why he was really doing all of this and working so hard. she had always been there for him, even after his father had died she hadn’t broken, had always tried to look positive for him and promise that nothing was going to hurt him, kissing his forehead every night and singing him off to sleep. while he didn’t have any great desires to be an idol, he wanted to make his mother smile, make her proud of him and proud to announce that he was her son. so, he would continue to work, continue to push himself and really try and get through this audition in one piece without flaking.
while he had gone to bed at a decent time, haruto had spent the whole night simply tossing and turning. he couldn’t really do this. he was going to end up embarrassing himself. he was going to be in such a state that they would simply turn him away at the door. every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the laughter which would no doubt erupt when he froze on the spot and couldn’t even speak. it was like it was a video stuck on repeat in his head, so vivid that he could see it even when he opened his eyes.
when the sun started to rise he felt the panic really starting to seep through him. he almost felt like he couldn’t breathe, a cold sweat on his brow, hands shaking no matter how much he tried to make them stop. somehow he was more nervous than he had been for the mgas. maybe it was because he knew he was alone, that he couldn’t hide behind hohyeon. that he would only have to do one performance to get a contract instead of multiple of them. and while there was no live audience to be worrying about for a private audition, somehow, that was far more nerve-wracking than the knowledge he would be performing on a big stage.
when his alarm finally went off, in total, haruto had only really managed to get about one hour maximum of sleep. he could barely find it in himself to pull himself out of bed, it was only when he checked his phone and saw a couple of messages from his friends, hohyeon included, cheering him on and wishing him luck for that morning did he decide he wasn’t going to back down now. not now he had put all that effort into learning the choreography and wasting hohyeon’s time in helping him practice (even though the boy had been quite adamant that he was happy to help).
he spent even longer in the bathroom, constantly splashing water on his face, trying to control his breathing as he stared at what a state he was in the bathroom mirror. gods he was a mess, he really wouldn’t be surprised if they turned him away simply because of how awful he currently looked. but no, he was going to do this, he was going to go there and put on the best performance he could manage. and if he didn’t get signed, then he was fine with that, it was probably for the best. but if they liked what they saw? well, that depended on how much of a mess he was once they had finally arrived.
by the time he finally slunk into the passenger's seat of his mother’s car he was back to being a shaking mess. all he could really do was stare out of the window as his mother drove him to the company building, his headphones planted deep in his ears and full concentration on the music. it was helping to distract him, helping him not think about every little thing which could go wrong if he started panicking too much. no, he was going to be completely fine, it wasn’t that big of a deal. it wasn’t was it? it was not like this one audition was going to define his whole future or anything, right?
the teenager was more or less thrown out of his head when the car suddenly pulled up. he hadn’t even noticed, blinking wildly as his mother had to pat him on the arm to try and get his attention. haruto swallowed uncomfortably, hands starting to shake again as he tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down as much as possible. but he could barely keep himself together as he climbed out of the car, just standing there staring up at the building in front of him as he felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. he was about to turn around, to claim that he had changed his mind, to ask his mum to drive him home again to wallow in his own self-pity and shame. but something stopped him just as he was about to turn, digging his nails into his palms as he clenched his fists.
no, he was going to do this and make his mother proud. but he wasn’t going to do it just for her, he was going to do it for himself, just to prove that he could.
with his head held high, sucking in one last lungful of breath, haruto marched towards the building without even looking back. as he approached the door he finally pulled his headphones from his ears, tucking them into his pocket for safekeeping as he shouldered open the door. while he knew he could still turn and make a run for it if he really wanted, that would just be embarrassing now that there were people who could see him. so, he wasn’t going to do that, keeping his head held high as he moved towards the front desk to announce himself.
the wait to be called for his audition was honestly the worst wait of his life. he couldn’t sit still and just wait like a normal person. no, he was constantly fidgeting around, wringing his hands, swinging his legs, eyes darting from side to side at every sudden noise and movement. at least he was holding himself together better than he thought he would. a couple of days ago he was certain that at this point he would be nothing but a shaking mess and his heart was simply going to give out from all the nerves. and while it was partly true and he couldn’t stop himself from shaking, he was somehow managing to hold it together.
but, no saying how long that was going to last for.
eventually, he was called and haruto practically jumped up from his seat from surprise. but he didn’t quite know why he was surprised, he shouldn’t have been expecting just to be stuck in that seat waiting for the rest of his life. but he did take a moment to compose himself. “calm. confident. you have this.” it was only softly muttered under his breath, a simple promise to himself. and then, with his eyes locked on the door, he walked forwards, entering the room as confidently as he could manage. which was actually not very confident at all, but he liked to pretend he was sure he was going to get through this and not have a mental breakdown in the middle of his audition.
he really did try to press down the nerves as he stood there, hands flat on his stomach and eyes locked forward. if he looked literally anywhere else in the room he was pretty confident that he was about to completely lose it and start freaking out. and that was the last thing he wanted, trying his best smile as he bowed forward a full ninety degrees. his introduction had been practiced as much as his performance had, making sure that he knew exactly what he was going to say. it was one of his many flaws that if he didn’t have a script to follow that he was just going to forget all knowledge of the korean language and just stand there completely dumbstruck. and that really was not a very good look for anyone trying to impress people as important as this.
“hello,” he greeted them first in his native tongue as he stood up form his bow, feeling just a little calmer about speaking japanese than he did in korean. though he knew he couldn’t do this whole thing in japanese, breathing in as he switched over to korean again, “hello, my name is watanabe haruto and thank you very much for this opportunity.”
he was actually slightly amazed he had managed to get through that without fumbling over the language or getting all confused about something. haruto just really hoped they didn’t start asking him any questions because he had not prepared for questions and would no doubt end up looking like a right fool with no idea what anyone was saying. sure, that might be a natural state for him when he refused to learn the language properly, but he would rather they not know about that part of him.
“today i am going to be dancing to a girl group medley for you,” though he did feel rather stupid once he had actually admitted that out loud. why had he decided to go with girl groups again? last time he checked, he wasn’t a girl. he probably should have just stuck with doing boy groups, stay in his comfort zone instead of pushing out and trying something different. because simply put, he was not a boy who did very well in trying different things and was more than happy to stay in his cocoon of safety. but he didn’t suppose for a moment he would be able to dredge through his own mind for a different performance on the fly, so he supposed he was just going to have to live with his decision. though he was quite sure he would end up regretting it later on.
“please, watch me well,” it was the last thing he had planned to say, bowing forward one more time before mentally preparing himself for what was going to come next. there was nothing else he could say, nothing else he could do to put this off for any longer. though he would die for a confident pep talk right about now, there was no one else in the room. it was just him and he was going to have to get over it and face the music.
peak-a-boo was the first song to start playing and instantly haruto found himself dancing along with the music. he started with the arm and leg movement, turning to the side as he moved his hands upwards in front of his body. and he did have to admit, while he was still a little unsure about dancing to girl groups, he could admit that they were fun to dance to. and he supposed it showed he was not afraid of doing girl group songs. not that he supposed for a second anyone had any intentions of throwing him into a girl group, but he had watched tv, he knew male idols like to show off sometimes and dance to girl group songs. he supposed he was just preparing himself for that.
peek-peek-a-peek-a-boo
god he was getting ahead of himself there, already thinking that far into the future? no, he needed to pull himself back to the current moment and stop thinking about what might happen after this. all of his energy was going to go into the next couple of seconds of his life. then he could worry about the future and how he was going to manage to get over his embarrassment about what he was actually doing.
so, he threw his concentration back into what his body was doing, full focus as the song changed into another song from the same group. bad boy, something a little slower, and little sexier this time as he focused quite a bit of his hip action. maybe a bit inappropriate for a boy of his age, and of his gender, but if he was going to do this he was going to damn well do it properly and not half-ass something simply because he was embarrassed about it. and don’t get him wrong, he was incredibly embarrassed about his song selection and what he was currently doing. so, he tried to act like he was having some fun, mouthing along to the words somewhat as he walked backward, moving his shoulders with a small smirk on his face
ooh ooh (oh-eh-oh-eh-oh)
yeah while he was still trying very hard not to have a complete freak out session in the middle of this, he was having fun with it. even as he stood with his legs shoulder-width apart, legs bent as it was back to the hip action, hands starting crossed in front of him before they started to move up as he kept the continue action with his hips. at least his hips were loose and he could do this kind of thing, and it did take an awful lot of control to keep it in time and try to act a little sexy as well without going too red in the face about it. good thing, he supposed, that he did have an awful lot of control of his body thanks to his skating. but if his father could see what he was doing with that control now, he probably wouldn’t approve very much.
지금부터 bad boy down
he was almost in the perfect position to move straight into the next song. actually mixing it up with some different artists this time. but he really was starting to appreciate how much hip action girl groups actually had in their routines. and he supposed it made sense why. that was going to draw all the male fans in. so, it did feel ever so slightly awkward that he was swaying them so much himself, but at least this was a fun song and one he was sure many people could rather effortlessly dance along to if they wanted to. it was not very hard, and because he didn’t have to think about it so much, he was going to let himself have some fun with this one.
using all the boyish charm of a nervous fifteen year old, he smiled easily as he hips moved from side to side, one hand still out in front of him as the other rose to his ear like he was trying to hold a headphone in. and then waved his hands upwards in a snake sort of action before moving, crossing one leg over the other as he barely touched his own shoulders with his hands.
쏟아지는 My 터터터터터터 터치
then it was back to the same action as before in time with the music, but this time, instead of moving a hand to his ear, the same hand rose up with a small finger heart. and he decided that he was really going to sell this performance, winking as he did it before moving into the slightly more energetic roof pumping choreography. but that was only for a moment before he went right into the motions for the next chorus which started playing.
별이 빛나는 밤
hands crossed above his head and moving them in a half-circle above his head, keeping them crossed as he danced, moving slightly sideways and, once again, it went back to using his hips. maybe he should have picked some different songs, once which didn’t use so much hip and actually showcased something different. though, he supposed he was still showing off his dancing skill and that, apparently, he was good with moving his hips around. maybe not the image these people thought they were going to get from him, but it was still better than him standing there completely terrified with no idea what he supposed to be doing.
별이 빛나는 밤
so far this was actually going quite well, he hadn’t managed to put a foot wrong and would even go as far as saying he was enjoying himself. but it was a bit of a challenge to keep with different personas of each song, but he supposed it was showing that he was versatile when he wanted to be and could fit different concepts. something he was sure they would appreciate, but, again, that was getting ahead of himself again. he just tried to keep himself centered and completely focused on the choreography he was performing, making sure not to keep a foot wrong as he kept his body loose and trying to keep his moves precise and perfectly executed.
and it was moments like this which reminded him that he did actually like performing and dancing. for a long time, he thought he would only ever enjoy skating. he hated having to be enrolled in dance and performance lessons at first, but after a while, he realized he had come to enjoy each lesson and was actually looking forward to the next one. it was certainly a bit of a surprise, and while nothing would ever overtake his pure love and joy for rollerskating, dancing was a close second. just so long as he could actually get past his stage fright and nerves for more than five seconds to actually dance.
which was why he was thankful that he only had to worry about performing for ninety seconds instead of having to worry about a whole song length. and that time was almost gone now, just one more short chorus to worry about before there was nothing else he could do. he was just going to have to hope he had done enough and hadn’t managed to embarrass himself, because if he had, then he knew he was never going to live it down and would never be able to accept an audition invitation from this company and these people again. if they would even want to offer him a second go.
hit you with that ddu-du ddu-du du
he was down to his last song again, the smile back of his face as he swayed in time with his hand motions. this was his last shot and he was going to make the most of it to impress them with some powerful emotions and strong movements. it really was quite a fun song to dance to, and something else he was sure a lot of people could get up there with him and dance just as well as he could. but the whole point of this audition for him was simply to prove to himself that he could do it. he really wasn’t that bothered about getting a contract at the end of this. all he wanted was to dance well and be proud of what he had accomplished.
so he focused completely on what he was doing, going through the motions in his head as he poured his whole heart into his body movements, keeping in time with the music and being careful not to go too fast or get out of time. he was going to finish this off strong and then he could worry about what people might think of him for what he had just done. or maybe, it was probably better to try not to think about that or he would most likely end up curled up in the corner crying.
there were only a couple of movements left and he made them count, finally, his hand resting on his shoulder as he slightly moved the top half of his body in time with the final lyrics of the song.
ddu-du ddu-du du
and that was it. there was absolutely nothing else he could do to change what had just happened. honestly, the whole thing had passed a lot faster than he thought it was, and for that he was thankful. haruto didn’t know if he would have been able to get through the whole thing if it simply seemed to drag on for an incredibly long time. the longer he had to think about what he was doing the more and more nervous he was going to get about doing it perfectly. because while he might never admit it, he was just a little bit of a perfectionist.
but he was still smiling, finally dropping from his final position as he turned to face the front again, hands back to rest against his stomach as he bowed forward. and he stayed there for just a moment longer, completely composing himself and working out what he wanted to say now as he straightened himself up properly. “thank you very much for watching,” he didn’t really know what else he could say, “and thank you once again for this opportunity. i enjoyed it.” and that really was rather strange for him because he had been completely sure he was going to hate every second of this.
“i hope to hear from you soon,” maybe he could have done without adding in that last line, but he at least wanted to know what they thought. a rejection was still totally okay, in fact, he was more or less counting on it. because after thinking back on what he had just done he couldn’t help but wonder what on earth he had been thinking. maybe he shouldn’t have been talked so easily into doing this. but hey, he supposed it was all over and done with now and the only thing he could really do was try and calm himself down and wait to see what happened.
