I saw this post from @sympathetic-deception and i just had to draw it, and like?? I was having a really good art day today, apparently 👀
(Also, that last panel of janus, who else thinks he looks exactly like that meme of a smug cat surrounded by weapons but it was completely unintentional lol diiijdskj)
logan is transfem and the first person she comes out to is janus because she’s having trouble presenting herself in a way she likes and surely a shapeshifter and fashion icon such as janus would be able to help, and also if she came out to the light sides it’s not like they’d listen anyway.
so janus gives her his bowler hat until her hair grows out to the point she can get it cut how she likes, and finds some clothes of his that could work for literally any gender.
he then asks if she’s changing her name and she doesn’t know yet, she’s trying to think of a good name but logan fits her pretty well no matter what gender so she’s unsure. she goes back to her room, and janus tells her if there’s anything else she needs, he’s the guy to come to.
now that she’s able to present herself the way she wants to, she’s able to tell the other sides about her feelings more openly and comfortably and eventually comes out to them as well. people listen to her now because she’s out of her cold hard dead shell.
Written for @loceitweek, Day 2: Masks - WC: 1498 - Rated: T - Alcohol, swearing, mentions of non-consensual drugging, vomiting/nausea
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Everything hurt.
Janus blinked against the sunbeam targeting his face, lids sandpaper against his eyes. He turned his head and sharp, hot pain shot up his shoulder and neck before radiating out through his back and limbs. “Fuck.” He couldn’t get more than a croak past his dry throat. Even his tongue and teeth hurt, his mouth swollen, arid, and foul.
“Excellent…” The quiet voice rattled through his skull and he winced. “You are awake.”
“Either that or dead,” he muttered, eyes now squeezed shut.
Bare feet slapped against the hardwood floor past him and, after a clattering racket, the red glow bleeding through his eyelids faded. “Any better?” the voice said, even quieter this time.
Janus grunted and pried his head and shoulders up off the sinking soft surface he was lying on. He fell back almost immediately, a fresh ache exploding in his head as the room spun and his stomach flipped. “Sick—” he managed before he turned and heaved up the scant contents of his stomach. There was rushed movement near him and firm hands turned him to his side.
“Get it out,” the voice muttered near his ear. “That’s it, right in the bucket… you’ll feel better.”
When he finally stopped, something cool and wet was pressed to forehead and another dabbed at his mouth, his face, his neck. Janus cracked one eye open and spotted a colorful flash of floral brocade tucked under a dark blue apron.
“Necktie,” he groaned.
“So you do remember where you are,” Logan murmured. The cloth moved away, followed by the swish of water, then soon returned, cool and soothing.
He reached out blindly, brushing against the prim knot at the other man’s neck. “It's Seattle. You’re the only man our age who owns one of these,” he said, wincing at the deafening volume of his own voice. “Let alone actually wears the damn thing.”
Logan chuckled, low and quiet. The sound rumbled through his chest where Janus belatedly realized he’d been leaning. His brain told him to sit up all the way, but his body wouldn’t listen, and his head bobbed ineffectually against Logan’s shoulder. “Take it slow,” he said, shifting until Janus’ head was pillowed against muscle instead of the sharp corner where clavicle met shoulder bone.
The cloth moved to his neck, the light pressure easing the knotted muscle he’d woken up with, and he couldn’t help a low sigh. His hand flopped to his other side, rubbing the upholstery next to him.
Janus frowned. “This isn’t my couch.” He peered through narrowed eyes, ignoring the renewed pounding in his head. “Where am I?”
“My apartment,” Logan said after a moment. “You were… unwell last night at the party. You told me you lived a mile from campus and I asked you if I could bring you here.” His movements slowed and he set the cloth aside. Janus eyed it, already missing the soft touch. “You said it was—”
“Better than fucking in the elevator,” he finished, a flash of last night filling his mind.
“Well, yes.” Logan cleared his throat, a bubble of a mirth behind his words. “I was about to paraphrase that you thought it was wise.” He picked up the cloth again and resumed dabbing against his skin. “We can both be right.”
Janus barked out a half-laugh then winced. “Oh, don’t make me laugh!”
“I shall endeavor to be as boring as possible, then.”
True to his promise, Logan fell silent, moving only to refresh the cloth once it became warm.
Dread churned in his gut until he feared he’d be sick again. Finally, he asked, “What happened?”
“I will tell you everything I know, however I do not wish to impact your memory with my own perception,” Logan said slowly. “What do you remember?”
I remember watching the door, waiting for you to arrive.
“I was at Jack’s… I had a few drinks…” He chuckled, the movement rattling his brain against his skull. He breathed into the pain and nodded. Slowly. “I’d picked which guy I’d take home if you didn’t show.”
He smirked, one eyebrow a perfect arch over those damned glasses. “You were that certain I’d go home with you?” He wet the cloth and wrung it out again. “I could’ve been there to pick up your friend.”
“Ow,” he laughed and groaned at the same time. “What did I say about making me laugh, Necktie?”
Chuckling quietly, Logan reached for a small bottle of water and opened it in front of him. “Slow sips,” he said, pressing it into his hands. “It will help with the headache.”
He followed Logan’s instructions, annoyed he was right. “You gave me water,” he said suddenly, staring down at the bottle. Logan remained silent, but after a while Janus shook his head. “I… I don’t remember much else. Fuzzy thoughts…”
The hand holding the bottle shook and Logan took it from him. “You were unconscious when I arrived.” His lips tightened into a thin line and his brow furrowed, annoyance or perhaps concern darkening his steely blue eyes.
His pupils had shrunk.
Fear.
“I was able to wake you and you told me you’d had four…” Logan shook his head and inhaled slowly. “You were far more impaired than someone who’d had four bourbons over a few hours. I… offered to bring you home and as we were leaving… A man, one of the other guests, accosted us.”
Logan turned his head and looked closely at him, that same strange mix of emotions flitting over his face, like he couldn’t pick which one. “I believe he drugged you. He… he tried to stop us from leaving.” A smile sparkled across his face. “You fought back. Half conscious, and knocked over, you still managed to take him down and pin him to the floor.”
“Hmph,” he grunted, rotating his shoulder. “That explains this.”
“Are you in pain?” Logan turned again and scanned him with those laser eyes. “I mean…”
“Nothing a hot shower and some stretches won’t solve.”
“You are welcome to…” He gestured half-heartedly toward one of the doors in the hallway. “Of course, if you would not prefer your own shower.”
Janus nodded, letting where he would shower be a problem for the future. Even this short conversation drained him and it was a struggle not to let his full weight rest against Logan’s side. His apron smelled like coffee grounds and cinnamon. He wondered if his nursemaid would allow him a cup of coffee.
The thought alone was enough to turn his stomach and he closed his eyes. The unease didn't fade and the flashes from his dreams grew brighter. “Did I… did I say anything else last night?” he asked. His fingers scrunched against the plush sofa cushion, hand empty. He’d dreamt… Janus opened his eyes with a little sigh. He’d dreamt his hand had not been empty.
“There was some… flirting,” Logan said carefully. “No more than one might anticipate given the circumstances.”
“Nothing…” There'd been music, different music that from that fucking party. Soft. A peaceful rumble. Logan’s voice. “Nothing else?”
He shifted next to him and pressed the water bottle into his hands. Logan watched silently as he sipped. “You…” he murmured when Janus lowered the bottle. “You dreamt. And… spoke a little in your sleep.”
His name sat on Janus’ tongue, heavy and sweet. He hadn’t said it in so long. “Anything stand out?” he asked, desperate to hear anything but the answer he knew Logan would give.
“You called me Gabe.”
Janus couldn’t hide the hitch in his breathing but Logan didn’t ask him to explain, didn’t ask him if he was alright. If he’d said anything about Gabe… Logan would know he wasn’t.
Logan sat quietly with him until the room stopped spinning long enough for him to lean against the back rest. “I recognize food may be the last on your priorities at the moment…” He frowned, peering closely at his eyes as he avoided his gaze. Logan then picked up his hand and pressed the nail bed on each finger, watching intently. “But you are dehydrated and likely your electrolytes are unbalanced, as well.”
Janus’ hand was still resting in his and he stared down at it for a moment before slowly letting it rest on his lap.
“If you will allow me to prepare something for you…” He began to gather a bowl and tissues from the table.
“Before you—” Janus began, watching him work. “The—the cloth was…”
Logan looked down at the cotton cloth in his hand, then nodded. He dipped it in the water and wrung it out. He smiled, a soft, gentle smile, nothing like the little smirk from before or his failed attempt to hide a laugh. Just… soft. "Forehead?"
Janus nodded once. “Thank you,” he murmured and averted his eyes as Logan carefully laid the cloth against his skin.
“It’s my pleasure, Janus,” he whispered. Janus closed his eyes, afraid the rest of his mask might crumble under the weight of that smile if looked at it for much longer. “I will return with some ginger tea and crackers. Some broth.” Logan said after a long moment. “Rest.”
Nodding, Janus leaned back against the couch and tugged the cloth down over his eyes.
Summary: Logan has been shutting himself off from Janus which makes him extremely worried. One day, he decides to confront him.
Pairings: romantic loceit, platopnic dukeceit
Warnings: mentions of homophobia, grief, death mention, talk of past toxic behaviours, miscommunication, yelling and arguing, Remus being his protective and gross self, angstttt. Let me know if there's anything I missed.
Word count: 1,812
For @loceitweek day 4 conflict/resolution
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"...leave a message after the bip."
Janus let out a tired sigh as his call to Logan reached voicemail… again.
He looked around the restaurant and out the window to hopefully catch sight of him, but no dice.
He checked the time again… ah hour and a half after the time they agreed to meet at.
Giving up, assuming Logan got caught up at work and forgot about their date once again, Janus got up and left for his apartment.
He knows he shouldn't take this to heart, he knows Logan, knows how he thinks. It's not that he cares about work more than Janus, he just can't leave work until everything's done for the day. If not, he won't be able to give Janus, or anyone, his full attention.
It's not that part that bothers Janus, though, he was well aware of that side of Logan when they started dating. It's that he doesn't even bother to even notify him that he'll be late… that.. he doesn't talk to Janus anymore, not really.
What bothers Janus… is that Logan seems to be putting up walls around himself and not letting Janus in anymore. And, more than that, he doesn't understand why. Things were going really well… at least, that's what he thought, clearly he was wrong.
"Hey, Lovebirds- oh…" Remus' grin was wiped away when he saw only Janus entering the apartment, without Logan. "Stood you up again, didn't he?"
Janus didn't say anything, but his silence and expression seemed to be enough of an answer.
"Why aren't you ditching him again? How long are you going to let him ghost you like that?!" Remus growled in anger, "he shouldn't be treating you like this, Jan!"
Janus grimaced, "something's bothering him… I just know it… if he'd just talk to me…" he trailed off with a sigh.
His phone buzzed and Janus saw it was Logan calling. He hesitated for a moment, the pety part of him wanting to let him go to voicemail, but he answered in the end.
"I am so sorry, Janus, I had this emergency at work and I couldn't-"
"It's okay." Janus said tiredly.
"...it is?" Logan sounded surprised, and a little taken aback.
"Just… come to my place when you can, okay? I want to talk to you." Janus said, hoping he didn't sound too harsh.
"Oh… yeah, of course, I'll be there in exactly 30 minutes and 40 seconds. Logan said.
…
True to his word, Logan arrived just like he said, for once being punctual for something other than work.
He knocked on the door exactly 30 minutes and 40 seconds after their call ended, but Remus got to the door before Janus.
"Don't break him, please…" Janus shook his head. And he went to sit by the kitchen table, knowing there's no stopping Remus.
Remus grinned at him as he turned the handle, "no promises!"
He opened the door, "Listen, dork-face, if you keep treating my best friend like that I will cut your dick, cook it and eat it while making you watch, got that?"
"...as grossly specific as ever, Remus, I got it." Logan said, sounding a bit fond. Remus had a weird way of growing on you, Janus knew that from experience.
"...can I come in now?" Logan asked after a while of Remus not moving aside to let him through.
"You can try, but I-"
"Leave my boyfriend alone, would you, Remus dear?" Janus said with the shake of his head.
Remus pouted but moved aside, "boyfriends actually show up to dates…" he mattered before going to his room to give them 'privacy', he's probably going to listen in, this apartment's thin walls allowing no secrets.
Despite everything, Janus couldn't help a small smile gracing his lips when he saw Logan, the guy was too cute for his own good… how is he supposed to stay mad at those brilliant blue eyes?
No, you're not mad. He reminded himself. You're worried.
"I can sense I'm in trouble." Logan said lightly, attempting poor humor to lift the tension between them… it didn't work.
Janus bit his lip, now that Logan was here, he wasn't sure how to approach the subject.
In the end, as Logan sat down in front of him, he just let out a tired breath, "look, I'm not your teacher and I'm not your parent… I'm not going to scold you or lecture you…. I'm just worried…" he trailed off.
Logan frowned, "worried? About what?"
At that, Janus snapped, and he got up sharply, slamming his fists on the table in frustration, "about you, obviously!"
Logan jumped, looking up at Janus with wide eyes, "m-me? But I'm-"
"If you say fine I'm going to break something." Janus cut him off, "you can keep up the act all you want Logan, but I know something's wrong, and I can't help unless I know what it is."
Logan was silent for a long moment before saying, very quietly, "I appreciate the concern but, I'm really okay… no need for you to worry."
Janus buried his face in his hands, not like he didn't expect this, but still…
"Really? No need to worry? I can hardly recognize you! You don't talk to me anymore! And I don't know why! …did I do something to drive you away? I used to do that before I met you but… I worked on it… am I doing it again?" The last question was to himself more than to Logan. Is he reverting back to his toxic traits without realizing it?
"What? N-no, Janus you did nothing wrong I just…" Logan said immediately, trailing off with a sigh, "I… it's not something you can fix, Janus…"
Janus blinked, sitting back down and taking Logan's hand gently. Did Logan finally say something about what was bothering him the last few months? Finally?
He swallowed, "maybe not, but I can listen, what is it?" Janus said as gently as he could. He didn't want to push Logan but he also wanted to know very badly.
Logan was silent for a long moment, then Janus noticed his eyes getting shiny and wet behind his glasses and, before he realized what was happening, Logan was crying.
Janus hates when Logan cries, it's the worst sound in the world for him, the sound of sadness and misery coming from the person he loves so very deeply is… very upsetting.
He quickly gets up and pulls Logan up into his arms, hugging him tightly, letting Logan cling to him and sob into his shoulder.
"I-it's m-my dad…" Logan says between sobs and Janus' nails dig into Logan's back a bit unconsciously at the mention of that man.
Logan's homophobic dad that sent him to therapy sessions and had endless arguing with him after he came out. And, finally, ignoring him completely after he started dating guys.
"...what about him?" Janus tried his best to keep his voice even and not dripping with anger.
"He… he…" Logan sniffed, pulling back to look Janus in the eyes, "...he's dead, Janus… m-my father died…"
Janus' eyes widened in surprise, that… was not the answer he was expecting. But, the more Janus thought about it, the more Logan's behavior made sense. The missed calls, getting caught up at work, the meaningless small talk… he was…
"You were trying to keep yourself busy to distract yourself from thinking about it, didn't you?" Janus said softly, sitting them both back down but keeping one of Logan's hands in his so he could rub it soothingly.
Logan sniffed again, nodding, "I… I don't know how to feel about it… I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about it…" his voice was still rasp and shaky, but Janus nodded, listening intently. "We haven't been in contact for so long and suddenly I get a call from my sister that he's just… gone." Logan continued.
"What about…" Janus started but Logan finished the question for him.
"The funeral?" Logan let out an empty chuckle, "he wouldn't have wanted me there…" he said bitterly, "he said it himself… he doesn't have a son…"
Janus nodded again, for now not saying much and letting Logan say what he needs to say.
"But now… now he's dead, is it wrong to keep resenting him? Am I a bad person if I don't feel bad for a dead man? …should I feel bad? All I felt for my father was resentment, from even before I came out, even though that made him ten times worse, he never made an effort to understand me, he just wanted me to be the perfect copy of himself." Logan rambled on, it's nothing Janus hadn't heard before, though the death part was new.
"But… despite everything… Now that I think about it, I do feel a sense of loss…" Logan frowned, "I think a part of me kept hoping he'll 'come around'... that he'll attempt to make amends…" Logan took in a shaky breath, "now that he's gone… that hope is gone too… I'll never have the dad I wanted…"
Logan finished, looking up at Janus with damp eyes, "Janus… I'm truly sorry for the way I treated you, my father's death is not an excuse for me to push you away like that… the last thing I want is to hurt you."
Janus sighed, shaking his head and leaning closer to kiss Logan on the cheek, "it's okay, I'm glad you were able to talk to me about it eventually, even if there's nothing I can do to fix the problem, I'm always here to listen." He offered Logan a small smile, "no more walls between us, okay?"
Logan nodded, returning the smile, "it's a deal."
Janus then smirked as he thought of something, "but that doesn't mean you're off the hook." He said, which earned him Logan's adorably confused face. "You still have a lot of missed dates that you owe me." Janus grinned mischievously.
Logan's eyes widened slightly and he sighed, "this is going to cost me, isn't it?"
Janus finally gave Logan a deep and real kiss on the lips before pulling back to say, "that, my dearest, is a promise." He chuckled.
"Well, in that case, I better get started now." Logan smiled.
Janus raised an interested eyebrow, "oh? What do you have in mind?"
Logan got up and Janus followed, "you'll see, can't ruin the surprise, where's the fun in that?"
Janus laughed as they walked out of the apartment, "I'm starting to regret teaching you that."
"Teaching me what?" Logan asked curiously.
Janus smirked, "fun."
Logan snorted, "I was fun before I met you."
Janus chuckled, "sure you were, Teach."
Logan pushed him lightly, "you, sir, are the worst."
Janus took Logan's hand and placed a kiss on the back of it, "I love you too, Lo."
