Evreybody talks about wolfstar’s toxicity but bro Rosekiller has the potential to be so fucking toxic because imagine this they’re at a party and Barty is flirting with this person and Evan knows it’s just to make him jealous so he doesn’t give in and then Barty’s yelling at him as to why he didn’t come get him and then they have amazing hate sex.
Behind every gay person, there is a gayer evil person which is Barty standing behind Evan with Evan standing behind Barty and Barty stands behind Evan but Evan also stands behind Barty while Barty is behind Evan who is behind Barty-
Marlene scowls at Pandora, who quickly pinches her lips together with a coy look, making Remus chuckles in his cup of tea.
"No, no, hear her out," Sirius cuts.
"Two male penguins?!"
"Still can't believe you didn't hear about that before," Peter mentions, stirring his new cup of coffee.
"They got an egg too?! When they have been trying to steal one but they get a reward instead?!"
"That was one solution to stop that behaviour," Remus sagely comments.
"If I did that, I wouldn't be given a child!"
"You don't want one, Marl'."
"Thank God for that too— ouch! Fuck! I'm on your side!"
"Just accept that penguins have more rizz than you," Mary says before ducking at the pillow. "Hey!"
The waitress clears her throat from behind the couch and Marlene smiles toothily at her to lose it as quickly when facing them again.
"As if you have any."
"Shouldn't we be happy that gay penguins are accepted and loved? Especially if they raised a little baby!"
"I believe, their chick was also a lesbian," Remus comments
"Their child too?!" Marlene exclaims in shock. "What is going on in this world?!"
"I could present you someone if you are that desperate," Pandora gently offers. "I have this co-"
"I don't need help!"
Sirius grimaces with a nod. "You do."
"Like you are any better, slag."
"I'm on your side!" He argues with a waving hand that she slaps away. "Cunt!"
"On her side against— queer penguins?" Peter wonders.
"I just can't bloody believe it."
"Sometimes, I wish I was a penguin," Remus mutters and pauses at all the eyes jumping on him. "Erm."
"And you call me desperate."
"You literally have a feud with penguins now?" Mary points out.
Sirius laughs before looking up just in time for James to walk in Hogwarts. Marlene sighs, not bothering to glance since these two always predict whenever their other half is around.
"Hi James!" Pandora greets.
"Hey," he grins even if it's a tad sadder than usual while he puts his wet umbrella against the rack already full. "Whatcha talking about?" He asks, sitting down next to Sirius who scooted over and immediately puts his arm on his shoulders.
"Marlene discovered animals can be queer," Peter explains. "And wants to fight a couple of penguins."
James laughs, turning to her. "But that's so cute!"
She scowls at him. "They have it so easy while we have to bloody pay taxes and they got a marriage and child for free, how is that right?!"
Mary leans toward James. "She got a bad date last night and-" she shrieks at the kick in her back, getting her face smashed in the couch's bottom. Marlene cackles evily just as Mary rounds on her. "You better not have used your shoes on my new shirt!"
The waitress pays them no mind, used to their antics, as she nods at James' order before walking behind the counter.
"Knee."
"You're such a cunt. Don't come whine to me about pain from your trainings because I'm never massaging you again."
"You alright, Prongs?" Peter asks. "Where is Lily?"
He shrugs. "I'm alright. She had work to do so," he says and smiles at Sirius who squeezes him with his arm. "I'm really fine. Just a bit bummed out."
Remus offers a supportive smile, leaning out of his armchair to pat his knee. "You're still friends."
James sighs and takes the cuppa from the waitress' hands with a polite smile. "I know… It's just that I kind of hoped her- us, to be it."
"It's her loss, mate," Sirius says with a startle at Remus' slap on his arm. "What?! It's the truth!"
"Lily is our friend too," he retorts with a pointed look but Sirius only rolls his eyes.
"At least it ended well."
"It might be awkward for some time but everything will be fine," Pandora promises. "You just can't picture her naked anymore."
James blushes. "I wasn't going to! And I know that, I'm just disappointed that it ended up— like that."
"You two dated quite quickly," Mary points out. "It's not that uncommon to realise that despite your attraction, you were both better off as friends."
"And that she is a lesbian."
James scowls at Marlene. "First off, she was almost never attracted to anyone before. Second, she is attracted to me. Third, she is trying to figure it out so don't push her around, Marl'."
Pandora nods. "Yes, I want Lily to stay our friend too. She is lovely."
"Why do you assume I'm going to bully her? I'm just sharing facts!"
"Because you are one," Mary sniffs and flips her off when she sticks her tongue out.
James watches them with an amused grin and meets Sirius' eyes with his own unsure gaze. "She would like that too but she is worried. I told her that it doesn't change anything but…"
Sirius pats his cheek before petting his hair. "Don't worry. I'm sure it will be fine."
"She might only need some time," Remus agrees.
"Breakups, as nice as it went for you two, is still hard," Mary adds with a sorry look. "You were both— intense."
Peter shares the sentiment with a nod as they watch James drinks his cuppa and Sirius brushes his wet hair to cheer him up. He smiles at them, lips wordless for several tries before rolling his shoulders.
"I still love Lily, maybe not as much as a lover like I wanted but at least we are. She offered me a chance to try and… If I'm honest, I felt it for a while."
"Oh, Prongs."
"No, it's fine," he promises with a quick comforting smile at Sirius. "I was happy. Think she was too but you know, no sparks or anything. Comfy but more like friends with benefits rather than lovers."
"Shouldn't it be like that?" Marlene wonders, putting down her cup on the coffee table. "Maybe you only got through the honeymoon part."
"We can't really judge on that," Peter slowly says. "No one has been in a serious relationship more than you. Even Re-"
"Let's not talk about him," Remus interrupts.
Sirius glances at him before settling back on James. "I'm sure there is someone out there that will give you all the sparks you want."
James sighs. "It's stupid but I had everything planned. Now I have to plan another wedding, with someone else, in God knows when but I want to find my soulmate-"
"Lobster-"
"To build our lives together and get married," he finishes with a fond but torn expression.
The doors of Hogwarts slam open and the rain furiously takes advantage of that small gap before it closes after a figure stumbles through on heels. The cafe falls silent, everyone doing a double-take at the long white wedding dress, beautiful despite its soggy state.
"And I want a pony!" Pandora blurts out with eager eyes at the apparition.
The disheveled black hair clashes with the long veil scrunched up in it while the bride frantically looks around with wide bloodshot eyes, which almost pops out of her skull when landing on a gaping Sirius.
"Oh my God," he gasps out, hand frozen in a tangle of James' hair as he straightens up in his seat.
With blank and tears brewing eyes, the bride stumbles to the couch, completely missing the step of the entry but she saves herself with a thunderous look and nails digging into the couch.
"Sirius! Oh my God, there you are," she gasps out.
"Holy crap," Marlene blurts out.
Sirius stares at the bride before jumping out of his seat. "What are you doing here?!"
The bride scowls, angrily pulling at her skirt before throwing it to point out the obvious. "I went by your apartment but then I only found your landlord who told me you might be here-- which you are and I finally found you..," her voice cracks the more it goes as her already ashen face blanches.
Sirius is quite close to follow her by the weak step he takes but stops himself. James is as flabbergasted as him but by his frown he might have recognized her. Remus glances between them before almost inching over the edge of his seat, ready to stand up.
"Pads?"
"Hum, would you like a cuppa?" The waitress asks with a worried frown.
The bride almost glares at her, ramming her dress in one hand, before turning back to Sirius.
"I need your help-"
"How the hell are you even here?! Found me?"
"Sirius can't actually be secretly married, is he?" Peter whispers but Remus is at lost of words.
"I know all your whereabouts."
"Can someone explain to me what's happening?!" Mary exclaims with a barely hushed tone, leaning against Pandora's shoulders to stare at them closer.
Sirius jerks, glancing frantically at them until he lands back on the bride who started to breath heavily.
"Oh my God, breathe!" James says, standing up with a gesture at the couch. "Sit down, catch your breathe."
She ignores him. "I need your help, Sirius-"
"Did you just run out of a wedding?!" He exclaims.
"Yes, mine! You— ne fais pas l'idiot !" She argues with big gasps of air, chest bobbing not by much despite the speed under her corset. "I ran off because I couldn't do it, not anymore. I… I just can't. I had to crawl through a window but I had no idea where to go except to you," she gasps out with a fever splattered on her cheeks, "I think I broke my ankle because of these stupid heels."
Sirius takes a deep breath, leaning onto the couch to look at her legs, before looking up. "What's your shoe size? 13, right?"
"What? No, I'm not a child anymore, Sirius! 5," She says, exasperated.
Every patron are still watching when Sirius jumps over the coffee table to get to Mary. She can barely make a noise before her shoes are grabbed and she shrieks when Sirius only tugs harder.
"Sirius! Stop!" She shrieks, clawing at the rug when she is dragged, before throwing a disbelieving look at them. "Wha- can anyone help me?!" She gasps when one of her shoes finally gives up and Sirius almost falls on Pandora before he does the same for the second shoe.
No one moves and even the bride seems stunned by Sirius, who walks up to him to hand him over Mary's shoes. James gapes at them.
"Padfoot?"
"My shoes?!"
"Free heels."
Sirius throws blindly the pair of sparkly heels on the couch, helping the bride stay upright as she tries to put Mary's shoes on with one hand while the other shakily holds on the dress. Mary, baffled, glances at the heels before taking them with a shrug.
"Sirius?" Remus cautiously calls.
"Don't come in the apartment for like, an hour at least!" He calls as he leads the bride outside, helping her as keeps tripping despite the new shoes.
They watch them through the windows, along with everyone else, while Sirius hastily tries to untangle the veil from her long black hair before throwing it out on the street as they disappear around the corner. Pandora turns to gape at them in excitement.
"What just happened?!"
Remus slightly shakes his head and turns to James. "Prongs?"
He jerks to face them, still standing in front of the couch, and his mouth finally shuts with a loud noise. "Huh?"
"Have an idea who that was?"
"She looked a lot like Sirius," Peter comments.
James nods, clearly in his thoughts, before sitting down with a last look at the windows. "It's Regulus."
"Who?"
"Sirius' brother."
"Sirius has a brother?" Peter asks in disbelief. "Since when?!"
Mary frowns. "Hum, then explain why his brother was wearing heels and wearing a wedding dress? Stealing my shoes?"
"You are wearing the heels," Pandora points out.
"Because he stole them and they are clearly expensive— even if they don't fit with my current jeans."
"He is trans," Remus says. "That's the brother who didn't want to run away with him when they were younger?"
James nods, glancing at the windows again. "Regulus."
"You knew?! How come didn't I know?" Peter asks.
"Wait, is he a trans man or a trans woman because I'm lost," Pandora interjects.
"Trans man," James explains. "He— well, their parents aren't quite accepting that part but he still stayed with them. That's why he looks so… not."
"God, was that a forced marriage and forcing him to stay a woman?" Mary asks in horror. "Wait, is it Regulus as a man or? Strange name."
"That's the name he picked for himself."
"You knew him from your private fancy school?" Peter wonders and looks at Remus. "But you weren't there, so how did you know?"
"Erm, Sirius might have mentioned it to me," he admits. "Barely…"
"Oh my God, their parents must be going crazy. They are just insane-"
"Holy crap, Sirius with tits is hot." James stares in disbelief at Marlene, finally coming back to earth by the looks of it with a slight scoff. "What?! I never thought that would happen! And they look terrifyingly similar!"
"I thought his family was in France," Remus mentions, confused. "How did Regulus find Sirius like that?"
"Should we go check on them maybe?" Pandora asks, straightening up on her knees. "He said to not come to the apartment but maybe we can bring some warm food and drinks for them. Make Regulus feel welcome."
James gasps. "Do you think he is going to stay?"
Marlene frowns at him. "Wait… Didn't you have this huge crush on Regulus?! I remember something about Sirius' sibling!"
Mary cackles at James' vivid blush. He makes a rude gesture at her while Pandora smiles fondly at him, joining him on the couch to rub his shoulder. Remus smiles with a sorry on his lips, remembering James' infatuation on his best friend's brother back when they met during university where Sirius only showed up sometimes to visit with no mention of any sibling except for James.
Just discovered black swans are statistically gayer than the white ones but even more that male couples would have sex with a female swan until she lays eggs just to CHASE her away to steal the babies so the two males can raise them together.
AND THEY HAVE A HIGHER SURVIVAL RATE?
(this is literally rosekillers)
I just know Marlene McKinnon would hate them (she has grudges with queer animals because they can steal babies and don't pay taxes) and Dorcas would let vent while trying not to laugh because it's gay swans.
wolfstar; jegulus; dorlene; panryly; rosekiller
"What I mean is that it's not right."
"Isn't that kind of homophobic?"
Marlene scowls at
Pandora: Evan, I'm pregnant and it's Barty's.
Evan:
Regulus:
Emmeline: Sorry?
Dorcas: I... How is it possible?
Barty: Obviously we didn't have sex!
Evan:
Pandora: But I got his sperm inside of me.
Regulus: This is truly hell.
Emmeline: Why would you say that?! On Evan's birthday!
Pandora: It's also my birthday-
Dorcas: Your funeral more like
Pandora: And that's my present!
Barty: We are having a baby! Applaud!
Regulus:
Evan: Why couldn't you just say you agreed to be our surrogate?!
