How the Bad Batch got white-washed: a script
(Don't know if this is how it actually happened, but it's my personal theory that came out after some wiiiild discussions on Discord. I don't believe this actually happened, but I do think liberties were taken to secure audience members and ratings. Enjoy, my little crumpets!)
CW: Everything. Just...at this point, in between fics and art filled with violence and Naughty Times and Doug's irrational ramblings about Toaster Strudel and SEC football, you should probably leave if you're under 18.
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(Be Star Wars animation studio, probably Florida, who knows)
Studio Executive: Yo, animator, we got a problem here.
Animator: Yes?
Studio Executive: These clones, the new guys in this new show, 'The Bad Batch'…they all look alike. All bronzed, good looking guys with dark hair and thick shoulders.
Animator: Yes, that’s, um, kind of what clones are, sir? They are genetic duplicates of an indigenous actor from New Zealand.
Studio Executive: That’s the problem.
Animator: Say what?
Studio Executive: Who is watching this damn show? Who is paying for Disney + subscriptions? Who is our main money-making audience here?
Animator: Um, I guess…families? And, uh, lonely single adults?
Studio Executive: EXACTLY. And you know what is declining, besides civility in an ever-crumbling society?
Animator: What?
Studio Executive: THE BIRTH RATE.
Animator: Uh, actually--
Studio Executive: YOU KNOW IT, I KNOW IT, THE WORLD KNOWS IT. DAMN GREAT RECESSION AND PANDEMIC AND CRUSHING REALITY GETTING MILLENIALS ALL (legitimately) SCARED OF HAVING BABIES. WE NEED MIDDLE CLASS PEOPLE TO START BREEDING LIKE RABBITS IF WE WANT TO HAVE A STEADY POPULATION OF AUDIENCE CONSUMERS OF DISNEY PRODUCTS.
Animator: Well, that seems aggressively eugenics-oriented, with a tinge of classism.
Studio Executive: WHATEVER I MAKE THE BIG BUCKS SHUT YOUR ART SCHOOL MOUTH. Now, redesign those new clones!
Animator: To…what?
Studio Executive: First of all, the tech guy! What’s his name?
Animator: ….Tech.
Studio Executive: WELL THAT SHIT’S EASY TO MARKET. Anywho, get rid of the tan and the muscles and the thick dark hair. No nerd looks like that, come on. Make him a skinny white guy with receding hair, slap some hipster glasses on him too. Actually, you know what? Meander your ass over to the accounting department on the second floor and draw a few of the weirdos conducting audits in there. Base the tech guy off of them, not a buff, golden, Maori man.
Animator: But the guys in accounting look NOTHING like Temuera Morrison! This is just wrong!
(pictured above: Not the average CPA in the USA. That rhymed)
Studio Executive: Bro, get real. Are these lonely single ladies and the exhausted moms watching this show with their kids going to run into Mr. Morrison while working their office job? You think Boba Fett’s tanned self sits at the corner cubicle and tries to hit on them when they go to the copier? What are you smoking?! And on that note, make that tech character sassy, smart, and nurturing! Make him the perfect guy!
Animator: Why? I am so confused.
("Wanna come look at some Excel spreadsheets with me, baby?")
Studio Executive: Because we want all the 30-something ladies watching this show to get so hot and bothered over Tech that they decide they need to have this clown’s babies, like, now! And they’ll run over to the accounting office, drunkenly hook up with one of the auditors in a broom closet after Thirsty Thursday, and boom! Another consumer born, 9 months later!
Animator: This is sounding astonishingly like eugenics.
Studio Executive: WHATEVER. Same goes for the other clones! Make that tall bald one look like the aggressively outgoing construction worker that’s laying cement outside of the accounting office! The one that always wolf-whistles and screams ‘Jesteś piękna! Beautiful like model!’ at every woman! The one that all the ladies in the office watch and go ‘Oh, yes, take that shirt off, it’s a hot day today, daddy’. Watching that fun guy on this show means those ladies with THROW THEMSELVES at guys like this! And bam! MORE CONSUMERS FOR DISNEY BORN.
(Wrecker has raw contractor energy. ::lays pipe::)
Animator: I am not enjoying this conversation’s direction.
Studio Executive: CAN IT AND TAKE IT UP WITH HR. Now the leader, I know we’re going with Rambo, and I’m okay with it, but give him a little extra smolder and snatch that waist a bit. I want to go for a ‘hot waiter at Cooper’s Hawk that slips you his number after you tip him 40%’, vibe. 30-something ladies love Cooper’s Hawk, there’s been market research, do it.
(He'll judge your love of pinot grigio, but not how you pay him, wink wink)
Animator: No.
Studio Executive: SHUT UP AND DO YOUR JOB. Now, the last two…bald, calm guy that always seems tired but is still constantly there for you? Basically, every exhausted Millennial man right now? Make him extra pale because he hasn’t left his condo since 2020 and his only social outlet is playing STEAM games with his other lonely friends. Perfect. Job well done.
(He uses his scomp to play 'Dave the Diver'. You know he does)
Animator: Yeah, his name is Echo and he–
Studio Executive: Good, make him like I said, and trust me, ladies will see men like him and want to fix them, and then promptly ride said men like it’s Derby Day. More consumers born, we will have a bumper crop of tickets purchased at Disneyworld and Galaxy's Edge within the next couple of years. Excellent.
Animator: Sir, you are a sick, sick man.
Studio Executive: Speaking of which, the last guy. Just make him Clint Eastwood.
Animator:…Clint Eastwood. Isn’t he old as hell?
(Oh, Daddy Warcrimes, you and your toothpick are the Internet's Everything)
Studio Executive: Yeah, but, daddy issues abound amongst many of our consumer audience. And this is a show about daddy issues. And hopefully, by watching this, we will turn more people in daddies and KEEP OUR CONSUMER NUMBERS UP ON DISNEY +!
Wait, where are you going?!
Animator: I’m resigning and joining the Peace Corps, I can’t do this anymore.