summary: was it ever casual?
warnings: MDNI 18+ , wlw fem!reader x Sarah , oral , touching , yearning , non established relationship, unrequited (??) love
a/n: this is unedited. This is so Sarah, things get real and she bails. Shipped her with Kie before I ever shipped her w jonbee..like just kiss already...or I just have a thing for shipping Kie w the Camerons. Anywhooo Imk your thoughts, comments make me giggly and if you reblog I'll kiss you on the mouth.
The feel of her skin against yours is something that you could never forget . Would never forget.
It was warm and soft , warm like the sunlight and soft like the silk bedsheets your grandma would always have at her house. It was nostalgic , like a long hug from your mother.
The first time was a little over a year ago today.
Rose Cameron and your mom had been friends for the past few years , ever since her and Ward got together.
That meant you’ve got to spend more time with the cameron family , especially the oldest one of the girls — Sarah Cameron.
It was nothing out of the ordinary when Rose invited you to follow them to their weekend trip to long beach.
It was night one at the beach house. You had spent the day with Sarah , biking your way to the beach— it wasn’t a long one , since the beach house was nestled just a few meters from the golden sand — Sarah helped you with you sunscreen , and you helped her with hers , rubbing the cream on her back and shoulders , the skin appeared so vibrant and smooth , anyone would have longed to press their lips against it .
And who are you to feel any different ?
Of course you would have never let her know that. That was impossible.
So you just pushed the though away , and when you saw an ice cream truck passing by , you turned the conversation to that.
“hey—“ you said softly , tapping said smooth shoulder to get her attention , pointing at the ice cream truck, “lets get some”
You said , to which she happily nodded but then looked down to your beach stuff ,
“Shit , we shouldn’t leave all our stuff behind , i’ll just stay and you could grab a cone for me too?”
“Right , yeah— of course , what flavor?” You immediately nodded , getting up to your feet , dusting the sand of your legs.
“Vanilla with sprinkles” she shrugged , “i’m basic” she said and smiled , pushing her gold framed sunglasses up to her head , the gold glistering thanks to the sun.
“I’m on it” you smiled and went straight to the ice cream truck , having the sudden realization that it’s impossible to look cool while walking on the hot sand in flip flops, it truly is a humbling experience , do not try.
You came back with two delicious cones handing the one to her and bowing , she chuckled and mumbled a ‘thanks’ already licking her ice cream .
“Ugh I love ice cream” she hummed , closing her eyes for a moment
“When I was little , around six , an ice cream truck would drive by tanyhill every day , it was the highlight of my mornings.” She thought and chuckled before continuing , “one day I remember… Rafe had asked our dad why he wasn’t an ice cream man. It was one of the last memories I have of him being so carefree.” She sighed and shook her head ,
“I’m sorry , i’m oversharing again.”
“No don’t do that, don’t apologize. I like getting to know you ,you have something to say , I want to hear it.” You assured her softly quickly swallowing the bite of ice cream that was in your mouth.
“Wait don’t move” she pointed reaching for her bag , and you didn’t dare move , you’d do anything he said , she just had to ask .
She pulled out her film camera, pressing the shutter gently to focus , and shot.
You just stared at her as if waiting for an explanation.
“What?” She giggled “you looked cute , the sun is making your skin glow”
Giggling and shushing each other you tried to sneak back into the Beach house , knowing everyone was asleep you had to be quiet since you had stayed out way past you guys’s curfew.
You fumbled with the key , missing the keyhole multiple times , you cursed and muttered under you breath , it was almost comical , endearing.
“Just let me do it—Jesus Christ” Sarah had muttered with a huff , almost fondly , biting back another giggle , that would surely wake up someone , if not everyone , inside .
After a few attempts , you were inside the house .
“Tada!” Sarah had whispered , and you had smiled ,
Both of you had your finger pressed on your own mouth , preventing yourselves from making any sound.
Tiptoeing , you both made your way up the stairs , warm feet touching the cold wood .
You were about to head to the room , wait for Sarah to get to the shower before you , and rinse the salt water off her skin preventing the itchy feeling. That was the plan.
“Hey-“ she shoot her hand out touching your skin , soft fingertips wrapped around your wrist .
“Wait we could just shower together..less… chances we make someone up if we don’t open and close doors every ten minutes.” She had whispered softly , looking at you with those eyes that no one could say no to .
You were weak. You nodded right away. There was nothing she could ever request for you to do that you could say no to .
“Yeah…yeah you’re right.” You had whispered back , at the time you were afraid your voice would come out trembling , but either way you didn’t even register what you sounded like , everything was blurred . The only thing that muttered was her .
The bathroom was small , just a small lamp , lightening the room. She started taking off her shorts and the cover up top . She did it so casually , and your heart was beating so quickly , you were afraid it was loud enough for her to hear.
You followed suit . Took off your coverup , letting the denim shorts fall down your feet , trying not to focus on the way her breathing sounded extra intimate in the small bathroom .
You had tried not to look . But it was inevitable, your eyes had followed her naked body almost unconsciously as she stepped in the shower. It wasn’t lustful . It was worshipful . She was a goddess .
She had the most beautiful lips , soft and inviting , two blushing pilgrims.
Her knees , scarred in the most beautiful way , you wanted to touch those scars , kiss them and learn the story behind every single one of them .
You had gulped and stepped in the shower as well , the distance between you was short , close enough to feel each others fire burning through your bodies.
She had passed you the body wash , and that simple brush of fingers was almost enough to unravel you completely.
You were both massaging your own skin . Fingers against skin , the smell of majestic rose and gardenia flowers filling the steamy air, and two gazes unable to move from each other’s eyes.
She had silently stepped closer , close enough for you to suck in a sharp breath , like she burned you , and you wanted her to do it again , and again and again.
Reaching up , her finger had touched your lip , it was like she was examining it , like it was the most fascinating thing in the world , you couldn’t have stopped yourself from gulping again , it was getting hard to breathe , hard to move , hard to react.
Sarah had looked back up to your eyes , and then back down your lips , a silent question in her eyes , one she was probably afraid to voice properly.
You had only nodded , at this point it was surprising you were able to do as much as move your head.
It had started of as a brush , a caress to your lower lip with her own. A sigh had escaped both of you , like you were finally able to breathe . She touched your shoulder , her fingers sliding up to cup the nape of your neck , the movement making a delicious shiver run down your spine . Your own hand , needed something to hold , so it instinctively made its way to her waist , your thumb rubbing the wet skin .
All of it was so perfect , so special , that you could barely contain your emotion.
You both pulled back , just enough to breathe , noses still touching , hands still holding.
Breathless smiles and hardly suppressed giggles were written all over your faces .
You couldn’t stop yourself . You had started planting little kisses , from the corner of her mouth , to her cheek , her jaw and her defined collarbone. Breathing her in , she tangled her fingers in your hair , cradling your head like something worth to be treasured over. A soft stifled sound escaped her, and it was like music to your ears.
You wanted to hear it for the rest of your life. And maybe after.
She had pulled back , and that look on her face , that breathless need , made you feel weak in the knees.
No words needed to be spoken. Every touch spoke more than any word ever could.
And its known that the more we talk , the less the words mean.
So you got on your knees. Kissing a path down the soft swell of her breasts , the line of her stomach , the bones on her hips. Sarah had to gasp for air , hands gripping the wet cold tiled wall.
You watched her head fall back against the wall , and you loved how she did that.
One of your hands found its way behind Sarah’s knee , hooking her leg over your shoulder , while the other hand steadied her by her hip .
At that moment you had wished you knew how to paint , so you could capture this sight forever.
“Is this okay?” You had breathed against the skin of her thigh, kissing and looking up at her , waiting for her reaction.
She bit her lip — trying to contain any noises , she had to remind herself that it was way past midnight , and everyone was asleep.— and nodded , gripping your free shoulder to steady her trembling body.
You curled your fingers against her hip , gripping and kneading the soft flesh .
You were sure that you could touch her all night , all day , and it still wouldn’t be even remotely close to enough. You were starved for her . Craved her like she was your last meal .
You looked up again . Your face felt warm , your neck too , like you were on fire.
“Please” She breathed. Thats all you need to hear . That plea . In her soft , breathy voice.
Your mouth was on her , tasting her like you were drowning and she was the only source of air to save you. The edge of your lips made contact with her pussy and then her clit , teasing her.
Her hand flew to her mouth , stifling any moans that were sure to come.
Her eyes shut closed , head against the wall. You’ve never seen anything more beautiful than that, you didn’t think it was possible , because that was as beautiful as it could possibly ever get.
The flat of your tongue slowly made ways front to back ,and then all over again. You couldn’t help but moan against her skin , looking up at her you pulled back just enough to speak .
The slick of her glistering on your chin.
“Sarah—look at me” you had ordered softly , and she instantly obliged , her hand leaving her mouth and going back to your head , pushing your head gently back to her pussy. A plea for more , without any words.
And there was no way you’d ever deny that. You’d never deny her anything. You could never deny her anything.
Your tongue was back between her folds , and one of your hands following as well.
Your fingers had sinked into her in a way that made both of you moan in unison. It was like you were meant to be there. You withdrew your fingers almost fully , before sinking them back in , curling them in just right. She clenched around your fingers , and once again , you thanked the fact that you’re already on your knees , cause otherwise you would have passed out.
The second time was a few months after the first one.
It was thanksgiving. The drive to Tanyhill was short , but always exciting . Cause Tanyhill equaled Sarah , Sarah equaled goosebumps all over your skin , erratic heartbeat and multiple butterfly wings tickling your insides.
The scent of roasted turkey and spiced apples drifted through the house. It had started just like how you would expect from the Camerons . Rose had hired a personal chef and gossiped with your mom, obviously. Ward had made his annual speech about family and gratitude , just like your uncle . Rafe was…Rafe . Wheezie had just kept her head down , probably texting under the table .
And Sarah? She smiled . A smile that made her whole face light up. She was beautiful . It should be illegal to be this beautiful , you had thought.
She was wearing this beautiful mini dress, with long bell sleeves that made her look like she just stepped out of a Jean-Luc Godard movie.
Her hand brushed yours a few times , just to pass you a dish and vise versa , her knee touched yours and she didn’t move it , it was a simple touch , a simple feel of skin against skin , but it was enough to undo you . Every. Single . Time.
Upstairs , the bathroom door clicked shut. You had reached to lock it .
Sarah pinned you against it , her knee found its way in between your legs , and she could feel every single throb of your core on the skin of it.
Your hands were on her back , her waist , her face . Everywhere. Everywhere you could possibly reach , you wanted to please every single part of her body . Didn’t want any part to be left feeling neglected.
She had dragged her tongue and teeth against your collarbone , and you swore it was the hottest thing anyone has ever done to you.
“I missed you” You had whispered , voice shaking , panting. Hands exploring , worshipping.
She didn’t reply. Maybe she didn’t hear it , or was too clouded by desire to say anything. Either way , you didn’t repeat yourself.
Your mouth was against her temple , warm breath panting against her skin. Her fingers made their way under your dress, pushing the damp fabric of your panties to the side.
Fingers teasingly slid in between your folds , then she withdrew her hand , bringing it to her lips , and licking her glistering fingers while looking at you .
You could’ve died right here and there.
That night you stayed over. Excusing it as a girls sleepover to the others.
You had sneaked into her room , and held her close , impossibly close. Like you wanted to merge your bodies and souls together. She had let you. Had held you just as closely. Your eyes had slowly fluttered closed , the day’s exhaustion finally catching up to you . You took a deep breath in , the scent of Sarah’s hair and skin — a velvety , elegant , olfactory landscape scent— letting it fill your senses.
And thats when once again , you had thought..
You’d definitely go happy.
The next morning , you woke up by the streaks of light , making their way through the blinds , kissing your skin softly . The sun was warm , and from the bed you could already tell it’d be a good day , that thought affirmed the moment you felt Sarah’s weight next to you , leg draped over yours , limps tangled together like they were meant to be.
You pressed a lingering kiss on her forehead, and in that moment you had wanted to pour every good feeling to her , hoping you could teleport it. Cause it was all hers.
Trying not to move to much so you didn’t accidentally wake her up, you let yourself close your eyes , have silly , dumb thoughts. You let yourself think of how next year would look like for you two .
Maybe you’d have your own cozy penthouse apartment , where you’d cook dinner dancing your hearts off in the kitchen after she had shown you off to her friends at the pier while you both sipped on cold pints , smiling till your cheeks hurt .
You had been on cloud nine . Have had this stupid , almost annoyingly happy smile. Every time Sarah’s name was mentioned , you’d get this..tingly feeling , this warmth spreading on your chest , this flipping your stomach keeps doing every time . It was like your feet were lifted off the ground , but you at the same time you didn’t need it anymore , you felt like you could elevate , fly.
Tonight was the annual boneyard party.
Normally you’d avoid it at all costs. Stay at home watching The office till the sun welcomed the day , like you haven’t already rewatched it thousand times . That way you’d avoid the disaster awaiting to happen . Just think of it like a three layer burrito where Kooks , Pogues, and Tourons could co exist and party for a few hours.
But not tonight. Sarah would be there , kook princess missing a party? Yeah .. didn’t think so .
You had started getting ready way earlier than you should have . You’ve shaven your legs more than once —just to be sure everything is smooth and soft— , made sure your hair was pretty but not like you had tried too hard , even though you totally had. And the outfit? Yeah you’ve changed it way too many times. Clothes scattered all around the bedroom floor. You reapplied your cherry lipgloss , checking yourself out in the mirror, from every possible angle .
You went over to your bed , pushing the covers aside , the clothes too , looking for your phone , and when you finally found it , you smiled to yourself , checking if Sarah has seen your text about tonight , about seeing her there.
She hadn’t. You sighed but didn’t think much of it . You’d get to see her tonight. And thats what matters.
The sun was dipping low , the warm golden hue of the sun mingling with the one the firelight provides. The speakers were already rattling with bass and everyone — Pogues , Kook and Tourons— was fathered around , either the fire or the pony keg.
You saw Sarah before she saw you.
She looked like a dream . Your dream. In a mini yellow summer dress , it was fresh and feminine , just like her. Her dirty blonde hair , so perfectly messy, you wanted to run your fingers through the silky locks. It made you sick , how beautiful she was. One look at her and it was like stepping on a live wire, feeling it shock every cell in your core. And fuck , you loved it.
You took a deep breath , and smiled , walking up to her as she talked to some friends — some preppy guy named topper. Meh.
Your hand brushed her waist gently expecting her to turn around and hug you , like she did a few days ago , kiss you softly , maybe .
The look on her face when she turned , wasn’t exactly happy to see you , more annoyed that she had been interrupted from her conversation with Topper than anything. She looked down on your hand on her waist and then back up to meet your eyes with a look that made you drop your and to your side instantly , like it burned.
“Hey—“ you tried but she cut you off , pulling you to the side , away from Topper’s ears .
“What the fuck are you doing?” She had gritted out. It made you rethink everything. Did you overstep ? Do something you weren’t supposed to do?
You looked around , not wanting to get anyones attention and muttered
“Are you joking? Im just-“
“Just what?!” She snapped at you , cutting you off again.
This wasn’t how you had planned this would go. And a part of you was still waiting for her to say she’s joking say ‘Ha! Got’cha’ and laugh at your face for falling for it .
But she didn’t , and that made you pause .
You started saying something , but she wasn’t having any of it. She seemed genuinely annoyed.
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you , or what the fuck made you think you can touch me like that in public , in front of topper , but we’re not together.
You shook your head , huffing “what—what are you even talking about right now, Sarah?”
“this—whatever it is that we do..it doesn’t mean we’re together . No attachment, no nothing” She dropped her voice lower , like she was ashamed , like even mentioning your intimate moments , was acid on her tongue.
You wanted to scream . To cry and make her see reason. Be transparent about your feelings . Cause how could she say no attachment , no nothing , when she let you hold her all night , gave soft kisses all over your face , and begged for your touch ?
It didn’t make any sense.
But you stayed silent. Nodded stiffly and gulped. “Right” you muttered.
The rest of the night was a nightmare. No disaster was a cuter word for it . More fitting. Making you wishing you owned a time machine and turned back time before you decided to come here. But the same way Michael Scott had once said you can’t unsay something and put words back into your mouth , you can’t undo actions like you’re in a video game either. So you suck it up , and practically inhaled a few drinks.
It was a week after the boneyard incident. You’re left confused , and devastated. Its like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped over again and again. You were barely surviving , barely eating , barely sleeping. Yet you still hoped , for something more. Sarah had pierced through your soul . Leaving you with half hope , half agony . Cause you’ve loved none but her.
You loved her. Her stupid lips. Her stupid knees. Her eyes . Her hair . Her skin.
You could go on and on. You loved her completely. Eternally. Endlessly . A total love sick mess.
It was almost Christmas . You and your friends — Jackie , Macy and Alex— were hanging out at Jackie’s . In all honesty… you didn’t want to be there. They knew it. But they practically threatened you , so you didn’t really have much of a choice here.
You had practically buried your face in the chocolate popcorn bowl.
“Seriously . Stop—stop it!” Alex snatched the bowl from your hands
“Hey! What are you doing?” You tried to reach for it,
“Alex , give it back—” you huffed.
“No she’s right , this is getting excessive.” Jackie joined Alex with a sigh , Macy just nodded silently .
“Are you trying to piss me off? Cause its working.” You scoffed.
“We’re just helping you get over this—“ Jackie pointed and sighed again ,
“This loser , thing you’ve got going on.”
“Loser? Seriously? Thats what you’re going with?”
You narrowed your eyes at your friends , your hurt intensified.
“Loser. Yeah” Macy continued “Babe were just trying to help you here , this isn’t getting you anywhere, you’re just digging a deeper hole to dug yourself into-"
“And we’re not letting you do that” Jackie shook her head disapprovingly and Alex added “yeah, not on out watch.”
“You don’t get it.” You teared up rubbing your face “You’re not even trying to get my point of view of the situation”
“There’s your point of view , and then reality-“Jackie started once again , her hands gesturing two opposite ends.
“No! No shut up—just shut up” you rose to your feet , sniffling and putting your shoes back on.
“What?” Alex’s eyes widened , “no hey , come on—“
But you had already made your way to the front door , shutting the door with a loud thump. You didn’t look back , Just got straight to your small car, rubbing your arms to warm up.
A strangled sob left you as soon as you got into the driver’s seat. Your shoulders were shaking with the effort to restrain your emotions. You buried your face in your palms. This was pathetic . You were pathetic.
You didn’t even remember how you got here, its like a ghost had taken over your body and drove for you.
You sat down on the damp sand, feeling it slip through your fingers.
Sarah had showed you this spot before everything , claimed you were the only one she’s ever shown it to , it was her spot, the spot she drove to when she felt lost , when she needed to find herself. So being here brought you closer to her in some weird way. You could call , maybe text her , but didn’t want to come of as pushy , or make things worse. She would come to you , you though, yeah she would . Cause thats how its supposed to be.
You heard some small rocks move around , like someone was biking through the cold night, the last thing you needed right now was to get robbed or assaulted.
You turned your head , grabbing your keys and using them as a makeshift weapon,
It wasn’t a burglar , nor a creep .
“Sarah—what…what are you doing here?” You managed to speak , hoping your voice didn’t come out trembling,
“You don’t know?” She asked softly , setting her bike down and sitting next to you on the sand .
The question made you pause. You had hopped , deep down , that she’d somehow read your mind and be here as well but … you weren’t enough of a fool to believe it’d actually happen .
“Did you think i’d come?” You asked , your voice barely above a whisper.
“I knew you’d come here” she replied , touching the sand , just like you did earlier.
“You came here..because of me?” You regretted that sentence the second it left your mouth , too much, you thought.
But her response , once again , made you pause.
“I don’t usually bike 4 miles in the dark just to take a swim” she replied sarcastically , finally lifting her gaze to meet yours.
You gulped , picking at your cuticle , averting your gaze, “well you shouldn’t have”
“Did you not want me to?”
“Thats not the point , Sarah . Not the point.” You sighed rubbing your face.
She reached and cupped the nape of your neck , making you shiver , it was like she had this power over you , one touch and you were done for . Instinctively , you leaned into her touch , closing your eyes.
Her warm lips made contact with the skin of your jaw. A breathy gasp escaping you , you couldn’t even control it anymore , your body had a mind of its own and she was all that mattered. Everything else disappeared.
“Is that the point?” She breathed against your skin , trailing kisses down your neck.
“Closer” you gasped , hand reaching up to cradle the back of her head.
“That closer enough?” She hummed against your neck , her warm breath making your skin tingle , sparks everywhere.
You hummed , your nose now nuzzling against her cheek. Playfully giving a little bite at her skin , now it was you making her gasp.
You took that gasp , adding it to the reasons why heat is pooling down your abdomen and laid her down on the sand , straddling her hips .
“I missed you” you murmured , pressing soft kisses on her neck and collarbone , curling your fingers over the swell of her breast making her moan softly , gripping your back .
“I missed this” she murmured back , your touch sending an electric current in between her legs.
It took you a second to register that it was happening again , and you lifted your face and pulled back shaking your head and getting off her.
“No—no this is not going to happen”
“What?” She almost flinched , like your words have slapped her.
“Don’t look at me like that, Sarah. You’re not—you’re not the victim here.” You scoffed , bitterly but you refused to tear up in front of her. Tears brimmed on the corner of your eyes regardless, you couldn’t help it.
“What victim? What are you on?” Suddenly her eyes were hard, narrowed.
“What am I on? Seriously ? You’re so self obsessed , you’re always in this.. this bubble wrap and everyone is around to serve you and make you feel special but I do not deserve this” You were crying now , so silently that you wouldn’t have noticed , not if you weren’t able to taste the saltiness on your lips. Your chest was heaving , it was hard to breathe.
“So what are YOU on Sarah?”
It felt horrible . Like you were throwing up the words. You know you’d regret this later , probably cry about it as well . You were being hurtful. But she’s been hurtful this entire time, so I guess you’re even.
You couldn’t see her face , you refused to . She had a talent of making you crumble with just a look , and you weren’t supposed to let that happen, not tonight.
So you just got up , pushing off the sand , and walking off, straight to your car , no look , no goodbye , no nothing.
Midsummers . It was a kook thing — and genuinely speaking , the last thing you wanted to do all evening was associate yourself with them and their golf clubs .
You’d choose rotting in bed . But your mom was insufferable when she didn’t get her way , so you chose one bad evening over a terrible week.
The dress was beautiful . You had to admit that . It was basically a single piece of silk draped made into a dress with a front and back tail that gave an ethereal effect in the wind. The little flower crown full of pink peonies — that your mother insisted on — that was beautiful too.
Midsummers is peak summer, after all . Everything feels golden and bright.On paper. The party was at the country club , like every summer . Like every over-the-top , exclusive party the kooks threw.
It was picture perfect . Perfect suits. Perfect dresses. Perfect haircuts. Everybody pretending they’re not watching and criticizing each other other’s every move.
She never misses those things.
And maybe that’s what hurt even more. The fact that deep down , You hoped she’d be here , you’d apologize about last week , she’d understand where you came from. She’d apologize too , for all the mixed signals, for all the hurtful actions , for the lack of care.
You’d touch her face , a feather-light caress and she’d kiss you , pour all her emotions out… there .. on your lips.
Couples started to walk in together . All flowers and silk dresses. Kiara and her parents , looking like she wanted to be everywhere but here , maybe catching a wave or two with the Pogues . Kelce and his family , smug and stand-offish as always.
Rose and Ward followed, like they’ve done this a million times — which they have— smiling and waving like a royal couple .
Wheezie behind , smiling like the prom queen.
Rafe ,cocky but making sure to have a nice posture, just like his father.
There she was. It was a light and floaty dress moving with fairytale like fluidity . Perfect for summer. Golden hair falling on her shoulders , messy , like she’d just walked back from the beach. A flower crown completing the look.
However , the smile that only she could bring out with just one look , instantly dropped the moment you saw Topper by her side , holding her hand , like she was a trophy . Like it belonged there. Like she belonged there — next to him and his preppy suit.
You blinked a few times . This could not be real . She hated the guy. Strongly disliked at least.
Your Sarah . Your Sarah, making a public appearance with this….boy , next to her. It felt like a joke . A cruel prank.
Like every moment you’ve spent together was a lie. Every late night talk , every secret , every smile , every shit-talking phone call . it was all an illusion. And it felt like a slap in the face.
Cause no . You’re not the chill girl you tried to be. And it wasn’t casual for you.
